3 traps a covert narcissist uses to keep you poor

Have you ever been around someone where you can never do enough, give enough or be enough? Where you feel guilty or selfish for having your own aspirations and also subtly punished for not being who they want you to be? If you're a motivated high achiever, yet still struggle with anxiety, low self esteem, self doubt, or you find yourself trapped in codependent relationships or friendships, this information is crucial for your personal growth. A covert narcissist could be the hidden force keeping you stuck in a race that you can't win. The subtle manipulations you've been feeling, they're real, and these traps are designed to keep you under control. For the past 20 years, I've dedicated my life to researching self worth and the deep connection to money and narcissistic abuse. I'm not only a coach, author and teacher in this field, but I'm also a survivor myself. In this video, I'll share three weird ways that a covert narcissist keeps you poor personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns and actionable strategies to free you from these traps so you can have the money and life you deserve. Have you ever felt guilt, tripped or manipulated about money by someone close to you? These patterns aren't always random. Sometimes they're deliberate strategies used by covert narcissists to create a sense of dependency and control, affecting everything from your bank account to your self esteem. This is the first trap of a covert narcissist, their distinct way of manipulating you through dependency and pity. This could look like a parent who guilts you into caring for them, a partner who subtly hints that they can't manage without your financial help, a colleague who always has a hard luck story when it comes to picking up the tab, or a friend who uses emotional vulnerability to lean on your wallet. This behavior isn't just seeking support, it's a calculated move to keep you emotionally invested and financially tethered to them, making sure that you feel responsible, guilty or selfish for wanting your own independence or questioning the balance in your relationship. So I have a lot of personal experience with this, going all the way back to when I was little. I remember feeling painfully guilty for wanting things and feeling overwhelmingly responsible for my dad's finances. When you grow up with a covert narcissist as a primary provider, you learn this dance of thinking that you as the child need to be the one to support the parent and that needing or wanting your parent to provide for things is like this unforgivable sin. In my case, I felt like asking for something would not only open me to punishment, but also cost me any hope of love or connection. In other words, to be loved, I needed to want nothing from him and to provide for myself. Fast forward to dating and to marriage. I just kept repeating this pattern, always eager to give and never feeling safe to expose my own needs or desires. I was a hard worker and very driven to succeed and I thought it was just bizarre bad luck that I kept dating guys who lost their jobs or who were unable to work or who happened to be filing for bankruptcy. I didn't realize that my eagerness to please and perform and give and provide in hopes that I'd get a couple little crumbs of love and appreciation was the exact behavior that led me straight into the COVID Narcissist Trap the key to coping with this manipulation is to strengthen your emotional defense, especially against toxic guilt and feelings of obligation. It's important to understand that healthy relationships don't feel burdened with guilt. People that love you don't want you to feel guilty, they don't want you to feel burdened, they don't want you to do more than your fair share. You also need to know the difference between sadness and self pity. There are times when tragedy strikes and people do need help. They are actually hurt and there is a real sense of sadness for their loss. And loss is the key word here. Self pity isn't about loss, it's more of a narcissistic self indulgence and it's about getting you to feel sorry for them so that they can use you to free yourself from this trap. Start by asking yourself, am I helping or paying because I want to or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't? If you're afraid of asking them to pay for themselves or asking them to contribute more, or if the thought of not helping feels like it would cause problems in the relationship, that's a red flag. The first step is recognizing that it's okay and actually healthy to prioritize your well being. And if you do confront them about this and they guilt you, criticize you, stonewall or punish you, it's time to reassess, change passcodes, close accounts and do what you can to disentangle financial enmeshment. Moving on to the next trap. Have you ever been praised by someone close to you for being ambitious and successful only to be later criticized for the same qualities? This is one of those calculated traps set by the COVID narcissist. The financial no win situation where your success is both celebrated and condemned on the one hand, they love that you're driven and capable of achieving great things. On the other, they resent you for actually wanting to work or pursue your goals, claiming it takes from the time, attention or resources you could be dedicating to them. It's a classic move to keep you unbalanced, constantly striving to meet ever shifting expectations that leave you feeling like you're never enough. This could look like a partner who initially applauds your career success, then later complains that you're too focused on work and not the relationship. Or a family member who boasts about your achievements to others but privately criticizes you for not being present enough, putting you in this spin cycle of guilt for pursuing your ambitions. It could be a friend who admires the money you make yet resents you for not spending enough of it on them, or accuses you of changing because of your success. These scenarios are not about genuine concern for your wellbeing. They're tactics to undermine your confidence and your achievements, making sure that you remain conflicted between personal success and their approval. In hindsight, it's easier to spot this, but in my experience, I didn't recognize this when it was happening. What I did feel was that I needed to be careful about what I shared and what I kept secret. In my previous marriage, I instinctively knew that I needed to share only what made him look good. If he could look like he was part of something or say he was there, like when I was on Oprah and he was there as a guest, that was fine. It was something that he could use as currency to elevate his status, and that felt safe to me. But if it was something that was just for me, like a meaningful note from a client, or an exciting lead from my agent, or even something super simple like buying myself a sweater, I'd hide it and I'd keep it a secret. To change this dynamic when dealing with the financial no win scenario, here are a few strategies. First, let's start with what healthy love looks like. Love wants what's good for you. When someone loves you, they are happy to celebrate your wins. They are not threatened by them. Your success isn't the problem. You do not need to try to limit yourself, censor yourself, be smaller or less of yourself to try to make someone else feel more comfortable. Practice discernment when you share, keep an eye on how people react when you share about personal success or loss. Covert narcissists will be interested in successes that can be used for their own benefit, and they will be dismissive and critical of ones that don't if discussing your achievements leads to criticism, stop sharing details about your success or financial gains with those that use it against you. This doesn't mean that you're not proud of your achievements, it means that you're choosing who deserves the right to know about them. Take your power back. If you're criticized about your success or financial focus, ask directly, how does my ambition negatively impact you? Or why does my success make you so uncomfortable? This puts the onus on them to explain their issue, not on you to justify your achievements. Moving on to trap number three. This last one is tricky because the ramifications are financial, but the trap is emotional. If you struggle with imposter syndrome or you're uncomfortable asking to be paid what you're worth, you might have unexpectedly already fallen into this trap. The belief that love and acceptance are rewards for your performance. Covert narcissists are masters at equating your worth with how much you achieve or provide, instilling a deep seated fear that failing to perform could cost you their love or approval. And this constant chase for validation doesn't just emotionally exhaust you, it has tangible effects on your finances. This performance for love dynamic pushes you into a cycle of under earning and overworking. Why? Because when you're conditioned to believe that your value to others, and by extension your financial worth, is measured by how much you do or give or sacrifice, you inevitably set yourself up for financial strain. You might accept lower pay, over commit to work without adequate compensation, or avoid financial opportunities that could be deemed safe, selfish. All in the bid to prove your worthiness of love and approval. What that looked like for me was that I would fill in the blank spots in any relationship. If anything was missing, I'd take care of it. I thought that this was what love was made of. The continual act of picking up the slack in someone else's life. And of course, with this strategy, you tend to attract the same type of person over and over. I used to joke with my girlfriends, give me a man with a decent job and I'll turn him into a broke loser who can't pay the rent. And it was funny because it was true several times over, thinking that if I took care of them or paid their rent or made them dinner, I'd never really have to know if they loved me or wanted me. Rather than asking for anything in return, I'd simply keep spending more, giving more, Preventing me from ever having to really know how they felt about me. Preventing me from ever having to face whether or not they believed I was worthy. Preventing me from ever realizing that I alone held the key to my own worth. And covert narcissists love this. They want to keep you in this under earning pattern so that you're just manipulatable enough to be useful and just successful enough to fund their lives. Which is why so many of us who have been in these types of relationships or raised by these types of people struggle to ask for what we deserve in relationships and in money. If you want to learn how to feel comfortable asking for money, to feel confident in your value, and to finally put an end to imposter syndrome, I do have a process anyone can follow and it solves this exact problem. It's a 90 minute workshop where we look at a solution that goes far deeper to address the underlying problem at the root of under earning money anxiety and Imposter syndrome. This is a step by step system based on 15 years of teaching, money and self worth all condensed into a 90 minute workshop. We explore the deep connection between past emotional wounds, including childhood traumas and experiences with narcissistic abuse, and the discomfort around earning. We go far deeper into how these experiences unconsciously shape your views on self worth and success and how healing from them can unlock your true potential. We tackle imposter syndrome, the fear of rejection, and the insecurities that hold you back from stepping forward. We also work to up level your self worth by setting higher standards for what you're willing to accept. If you're ready to uplevel your earning, click the link below to learn more and book your space and hopefully I'll see you soon.