5 clues to spot a covert narcissist in conversation

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with a sinking feeling, despite no obvious conflict, as if something was off but you couldn't quite put your finger on it? What if that subtle discomfort was actually a sign, a clue to uncovering hidden manipulation? If you find yourself feeling full of self doubt, emotionally drained, or replaying conversations to try to make sense out of what was said, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist. I've spent the last 20 years researching the deep connection between self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, an author and and someone who's lived these challenges, I know how difficult these interactions can be. Covert narcissists can be difficult to identify in everyday interactions. But if you know what you're looking for, they show up right away. In this video, I'm going to give you five clues that'll help you spot a covert narcissist in conversation. Personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns and actionable strategies to empower you in any conversation, making sure you're always one step ahead. I have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling drained because all you did was comfort someone, even though it seemed to go nowhere? This is our first clue for spotting a covert narcissist in conversation. The Overwhelming tendency to fish for Sympathy when you're talking to a covert narcissist, you'll notice a reoccurring pattern. The dialogue orbits around their misfortunes. They use their sad stories to grab your attention, hoping to make you feel sorry for them, using the appearance of vulnerability to hook you into serving their emotional or material needs. Anyone can have a bad day where they complain a little bit too much or need a little extra support. But in a conversation with a covert narcissist, you're looking for speech patterns that elicit pity. They don't say I need to get a job. Instead they say I was forced out of my job and now I don't know what to do. There's always this clear slant that they are the victim, with a subtle invitation for you to jump in and save the day. And. And this can be tricky when you're an empathetic person like you and me, because we're naturally concerned. When someone shares their hardships, we automatically want to comfort and offer support. In my professional life, I've learned to be very wary of anyone who argues for their own limitations. The person who wants help but then gives me a hundred reasons why they can't be helped, or the person who wants pity but argues against any reasonable solution this doesn't necessarily always mean they're covert narcissists, but it's a sign for me to take a step back and proceed with caution. When you find yourself in a conversation where the person seems to be fishing for sympathy, constantly talking about their issues or challenges, try the Seamless Share test. A key trait of COVID narcissism is a lack of genuine interest in your life unless it serves their purpose, and this tool helps you check for this. Instead of directly asking if they want to hear your story, seamlessly weave in your own related experience or emotion, such as that's tough. I had a similar experience where this tests their capacity for a two way conversation. If they quickly shift the focus back to themselves, showing little interest in your shared experience, this is a red flag. Excuse yourself from the conversation with a polite but firm exit, such as it seems like you've got a lot on your plate. I hope things improve have you ever caught yourself second guessing a comment that left you feeling a bit off, almost like there was a hidden sting? This brings us to the next thing you'll hear in a conversation with a covert narcissist passive aggressive comments disguised as casual remarks. It's a sneaky way that they undermine you while maintaining this innocent facade. You'll hear them drop subtle digs or backhanded compliments about friends, colleagues, even you. And these remarks often come wrapped in sarcastic humor or faux concern, making it harder to pinpoint the negativity. For instance, they might say something slightly demeaning about someone's work ethic or lifestyle choices, suggesting that they're just concerned or making an observation. This isn't just about voicing opinions. It's a strategy to subtly belittle others, to elevate themselves by without appearing overtly cruel. Now, when you're an empathetic person, this is easy to miss because you might interpret these comments as genuine care or humor, not recognizing the underlying hostility. When you're wired to give people the benefit of the doubt, you'll often overlook subtle signs of manipulation and belittlement. A Simple example of Passive Aggression I used to hate going to restaurants with new people because I was embarrassed about my food allergies and I never wanted to seem too high maintenance to be fair. Most people responded with empathy, but I remember this one guy who announced loudly, oh, you're one of those people that needs to be special. At the time, I politely laughed and took it as a harsh joke. But now, after years of similar patterns with him, I recognized the intentional manipulation. This type of sarcasm, especially concerning something as vital as health was clearly aimed to make himself feel superior by belittling my needs to quickly check if you're dealing with intentional passive aggression or just a slip, use the Clarify and observe method. Empower yourself by pausing the conversation with a light hearted clarification like I'm curious, what did you mean by that? This does two things. It gives the person a chance to explain, potentially revealing that it was a genuine mistake or humor gone wrong, and it puts them on the spot to reflect on their comment. Next, observe their response and body language closely. If they're a covert narcissist, they might double down on the sarcasm and tease you for being too sensitive. Or they may become defensive, dismissive or insincere, possibly even turning the situation to make themselves the victim, revealing their inability to engage genuinely. If this was an honest mistake, most people will respond with openness and genuine concern, offering a sincere apology or clarification, showing a real interest in making sure they haven't hurt or offended you. If you'd like a copy of the Tools I share, sign up below and you'll get a new three minute empowerment plan every week. On to the next clue. Have you ever found yourself unexpectedly compelled to fix someone's problems as if you're the only one who could help, even when it left you feeling drained? Let's talk about the third clue to identify a covert narcissist in conversation. The Savior Complex trap. This is when the person you're talking to subtly nudges you into a role where you feel responsible for their well being, almost as if you're their designation. Covert narcissists excel at this, weaving stories and presenting problems in this way that you feel baited into feeling that only you can understand or solve their issues. It's a manipulative technique designed to tap into your innate desire to be needed and to feel important. But here's the catch. It leaves you drained and depleted. And it's a one way street where your efforts to help are never truly acknowledged or reciprocated. Instead, your kindness and willingness to assist are exploited to serve their endless need for attention and validation. Empathetic people miss this because we naturally focus on the emotions and needs of others, often at the expense of our own well being. In my personal experience, the red flag is what happens inside of me if I'm in a conversation with someone and all of a sudden I start feeling responsible to help them. I have to check myself. This doesn't mean that they are a covert narcissist. It simply means I know I'm easily baited into this savior complex. Even worse, if I start to pity them along with feeling like I can save them, this is a big warning sign that I'm falling into an old dysfunctional pattern. To manage a potential savior complex, trigger and assess the other person's intentions, use the Reflect Ask Observe technique. First, pause to reflect on your urge to help. Is it coming from a place of genuine mutual support, or are you feeling overly responsible for their well being? Next, ask a clarifying question about their expectations for your role, such as how can I best support you right now? This question shifts the responsibility back to them, acting as a quick covert narcissism test by revealing whether they want genuine support or just want to exploit your helpfulness. Finally, observe their response carefully. In a healthy conversation, they'll offer a specific, reasonable request with appreciation. But if a covert narcissist is trying to bait you into a savior complex dynamic, they'll respond with vague answers, escalating demands, more dramatic tales of hardship, or even guilt inducing tactics. Moving on have you ever been confused by someone who seems to admire you one moment and then criticizes you for the very same qualities in the next? What does it tell you when someone praises you for something and then immediately shames you for the same thing? This leads us to our fourth clue in spotting a covert narcissist in conversation. Contradictory Valuation Covert narcissists often exhibit an unpredictable mix of valuing and devaluing you within the same breath. One moment, they express admiration for your success, subtly binding you closer with affection almost immediately after, however, they could criticize you for the very traits they just praised, such as working too much or or being too materialistic. This hot and cold behavior not only keeps you off balance, constantly trying to reconcile their conflicting views, but also serves their agenda by making you strive harder for their approval, all while they benefit from your resources or achievements. When you're a generous and kind person, you'll miss this because our tendency is to empathize and to support, which leads us to rationalize or dismiss the negative or confusing aspects of someone's behavior. We focus on the positive, even if it's inconsistent, and this tendency to prioritize the good and overlook the bad blinds us to the manipulative tactic of being valued and devalued simultaneously. I once had a friend who was always struggling with her coaching practice and constantly asking if I could send my waiting list clients to her website. At the same time, she'd criticize me if I didn't make time for her phone calls saying that I wasn't a caring friend. I was simultaneously valued for what I could professionally offer her while being devalued for any limitations I had on my time. It was a never ending cycle of being baited into a savior complex while being devalued and shamed for never measuring up. When you notice someone alternating between valuing you and devaluing you, it's time to gently check their intentions. Use the priority clarification test by asking which is more important to you? The aspect that they praised or the aspect that they criticized? While most people won't see this as confrontational, a covert narcissist will most likely see this question as a threat because it shines a light on their manipulation. Pay attention to what they say next. Most people will offer a clear, honest answer or express genuine curiosity about your perspective. Covert narcissists, however, may avoid giving you a straight answer. They'll get defensive or even turn the conversation back on you, which is a sign of their manipulative tactic coming to light. Moving on what does it mean when someone reacts with defensiveness or outright stonewalling over the tiniest thing? This is our final clue for spotting a covert narcissist in conversation. A subtle but pronounced sensitivity to criticism. Covert narcissists typically see interactions in black and white. You're either fully supportive or you're completely critical. In conversation, you'll notice that a covert narcissist may react defensively not just to direct criticism, but also to the responses that don't fully validate their expressed vulnerabilities or hardships. If you suggest that they could overcome their issues, or if you don't respond with the level of sympathy, pity, or exaltation they seek for their tales of woe, they're likely to see your reaction as criticism or direct threat. Unlike grandiose narcissists who might react to criticism with outward anger or aggression, covert narcissists tend to withdraw, punished through silence, or stonewall, cutting off communication as a way to cope with and control the situation. When you're an empathetic person, you'll naturally pick up on their sensitivity, and you might unconsciously avoid saying anything to trigger it. You might know that certain topics are touchy or totally off limits, and you might feel that you need to outwardly agree with their position even when you inwardly don't. But this isn't a healthy strategy because you need to be willing to share your point of view so that you can pay attention to how they handle it. You miss valuable information if you avoid conflict. And this is exactly what I used to do with my ex husband, a classic stonewaller. To compensate for the possible punishment, I did my best to completely avoid any subject that might trigger his insecurities. I remember once when he was promoted at work, I made the mistake of congratulating him, not realizing that I had just gone against his wounded victim narrative. To him, my mention of the promotion became a threat that I'd no longer be subsidizing his lifestyle. Of course, he didn't come right out and say this. He got angry and simply left for hours and then days, leaving me filled with anxiety to try to figure out what I'd done wrong and how I needed to fix it. When he finally came home, he barely looked at me and simply said, I'm not built like you. I can't live with this type of pressure. And then resigned from the new job. And that's how deep the manipulation goes with a covert narcissist. They can make even good news into a problem or a threat, leaving you to pick up the pieces if you find yourself being silently punished. Tackle the issue with the direct inquiry method. First, pinpoint the problem by initiating a conversation with a clear but non confrontational statement like it seems like something's off. Can we talk about what's going on? This opens a neutral door for dialogue. Most people will be open and appreciative, showing a willingness to understand the issue and work toward a resolution. They might share their perspective or their feelings about the situation. They might seek mutual understanding and collaborate on the ways to improve the dynamic. However, if you're dealing with a covert narcissist, they'll deflect, maintain silence, or twist the conversation to make you feel at fault without addressing the actual issue. They'll continue to use silence or emotional withdrawal as a control mechanism or to avoid accountability.