5 clues to spot a narcissist in conversation

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling inexplicably drained and undervalued? Where maybe you'd hoped to make a connection or find some common ground or get to know each other, but you're left feeling insignificant, ignored, sidelined or even a little foolish? If you find yourself feeling anxious, full of self doubt, or replaying conversations to try to make sense out of what was said, you might be dealing with a narcissist. I've spent the last 20 years researching the deep connection between self worth and and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, an author, and someone who's lived these challenges, I know how difficult these interactions can be. In this video, I'll give you five clues that'll help you spot a narcissist in conversation. Personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns and actionable strategies to empower you in any conversation. Making sure you're always one step ahead have you ever found yourself stuck in a conversation where it feels like you're just an audience to someone else's monologue? This is the first clue at spotting a narcissist in conversation. The overwhelming dominance of self centered topics when you're talking to a narcissist, you'll notice this ongoing pattern. The dialogue orbits around them. They'll tell you stories of either the hero to be admired or the victim to be pitied. It'll feel like the conversation is a stage and they are the solo performer. And this can be tricky when you're an empathetic person like you and me because we're naturally interested in people, we're caring and concerned when they've had hardships and we're happy to celebrate when someone else has an achievement. In my experience, I'd often walk away from a conversation not even realizing that the person never even asked about me. For example, I had one family member who told me the same story about how cruel her mother was on her deathbed. Every holiday I'd nod my head and wait for the moment where I could share that we both had this in common. My mom had done the exact same thing, but year after year after year, the same thing. She wasn't interested in getting to know me. I was just the willing audience to directly address and navigate the challenge of self centered conversation. Employ the probe and pivot method. This strategy is not just about finding a way to enter the conversation, but also serves as a subtle test to see if the person can shift focus from themselves to genuinely engage with your perspective. First use a straightforward question to check engagement? Ask something like would you like to hear my experience with that? This question not only offers you an opening to share your perspective, but also serves as a litmus test for their interest in a two way conversation. If the response is more self focused, talk without acknowledgment of your question, it's time to pivot. Excuse yourself from the conversation with a polite but firm exit such as I just remembered I have to do something else. Let's catch up another time. Okay, moving on. Have you ever left a conversation feeling smaller than when you entered it? Confused by how your self esteem just took a hit after a few minutes of talking? This brings us to the second thing you'll hear in a conversation with a narcissist. A quickness to criticize or pass judgment, often right from the get go. It's a subtle yet powerful way that they assert their dominance in conversation. You're going to hear them make dismissive comments or outright judgments about people they know, places they work, family members, neighbors, bosses or co workers. You'll notice how quick they are to comment on other people's choices or behaviors, or they might even criticize yours under the guise of being blunt or honest. This isn't just about having an opinion, it's about making others feel less than and boosting their own sense of superiority. Now, when you're an empathetic person, this is easy to miss because you're prone to want to connect with others rather than to look out for red flags. You might internally make excuses for them or minimize their remarks rather than calling them on their rudeness or callousness in the moment, but other times it's glaringly obvious. I remember being on a first date with this guy who within the first 15 minutes started talking about how his 10 year old daughter had gained weight wheat since his divorce. There was no hint of concern or worry or empathy. He was blatantly willing to throw his daughter under the bus and was using it to try to look as if he was like morally superior to her. And that's when you don't even pretend to be polite. You just stand up and walk out. If you're facing a barrage of criticism and judgment, use the acknowledgment and test method. It empowers you to neutralize negative impacts without direct confrontation. You first acknowledge the comment without agreeing to it and then test with an empathetic question. You're not only protecting your self worth, but also subtly challenging the narcissist's tendency to belittle, and this provides you with valuable insights into their behavior, so first acknowledge that you heard them without agreeing. A simple I see or that's one way to look at it keeps you neutral and then ask a question that tests for empathy and self awareness, like how do you think that made them feel? Or have you ever done something like that? These questions will give you feedback about their capacity for empathy. A narcissist will deflect, ignore or escalate criticism without showing any genuine empathy or interest in your perspective. You might also try a gentle redirect towards a different topic, like was something good that happened to you recently? This not only shifts the focus, but also tests their willingness to engage in a balanced conversation. A polite and firm exit strategy might be Seems we have different views on this. I appreciate the chat, but I need to leave it here for now. This step allows you to gracefully exit the conversation while preserving your own well being. Onto the Next clue have you ever received advice that you didn't ask for and which somehow made you feel worse about your situation, especially when it seemed like the person offering it didn't truly have your best interest at heart? So let's talk about the third clue to identify a narcissist in a conversation. Unsolicited advice that's not always as well meaning as it appears. Rather than trying to help you, the narcissist is more focused on asserting their superiority and belittling you, and this can be really confusing, especially if you didn't ask for the advice. They wrap their critique in a veil of concern, making you second guess your choices. It's like they're using their wisdom to subtly knock you down a pig, all while boosting themselves up. I remember sharing with a family member about an upcoming doctor's appointment to help me deal with perimenopause symptoms, and she emphatically told me that I shouldn't go, that if I was stronger, I'd be more like her. I hoped that I'd find connection in sharing this, but I ended up walking away feeling embarrassed and totally dismissed. She not only made me feel like I was making a mistake, but also positioned herself as being morally superior for being more natural and avoiding medication or help. After recognizing unsolicited advice for what it often is, a power play veiled as concern, this is where the Reflect and Redirect method comes into play. If you're on the receiving end of unsolicited advice that feels undermining, pause and ask yourself does this advice feel supportive or does it make me question my self worth? A simple way to check and Potentially exit the conversation is to say it's definitely nuanced. If you're dealing with a narcissist, you'll see them persist or even double down with their advice while they disregard your feelings entirely prioritizing, needing to be right over, empathizing with you. Moving on have you ever been in a conversation where the goal seems to be who could speak the fastest or the most? This leads us to our fourth clue in spotting a narcissist in conversation. The relentless battle for airtime. It's like dialogue becomes a competition not for the best ideas, but for who can dominate the conversation with sheer volume of words. What you'll see is a conversation where the scales are heavily tipped. One person does most of the talking, often cutting you off, interrupting you, or blatantly speaking over you. And they seem to be in a constant rush to express their thoughts, leaving zero space for yours. This isn't just eagerness to share, it's a clear tactic to maintain control, making sure their voice dominates and your input becomes secondary, if not entirely sidelined. When you're a generous and kind person, you're going to miss this because you're not threatened by allowing someone else to have the floor, and you might even be more comfortable taking the back seat in a conversation. But it's important to know that this relentless grab for conversational dominance is a red flag for narcissism. Because of the underlying purpose to shift the power dynamics. It's a calculated effort to reduce the conversation to a one sided showcase of their own views. I recently experienced this at a meeting where it was supposed to be collaborative and I had a list of questions and I'd hoped to address them. But as the meeting went on, I felt more like I was trying to jump into a heated tennis match rather than a conversation. I even found myself at one point, like raising my hand to try to get a word in edgewise. And by the end of the hour, I felt completely unseen, unheard and marginalized. Facing a conversational steamroller who turns dialogue into a competition requires a deliberate strategy that allows you to reclaim your space without directly confronting the aggressive dynamic. And this is where the pause, question and assert method comes into action. It's designed to specifically address the challenge of competing for airtime, and it equips you with the tools to interact. Interrupt the cycle of dominance gently to make sure that your voice is heard and respected. So when you notice that a conversation is being dominated, take a moment to collect your thoughts, then you ask a question. It's a subtle challenge and you can ask something simple like can I add something here? Or I have something to say. Then watch for feedback. A narcissist will double down or try to dominate the dialogue, or completely dismiss your input. And this reaction is telling. If your attempts at inequitable conversation are always met with resistance or dismissal, it's a strong indicator that you're dealing with a narcissistic tendency. Moving on, have you ever been caught off guard by someone's defensiveness or even aggressive reaction to what you thought was a mild comment or even something neutral? This is our final clue for spotting a narcissist in a conversation. A pronounced sensitivity to criticism. Interestingly, for narcissists, even the absence of complete compliance or wholehearted agreement can be misconstrued as judgment or criticism. Narcissists often operate under a binary perception of interactions. You're either with them or you're against them. And this mindset leads to a scenario where deviations from their views are simply offering a different perspective can trigger a defensive or aggressive response. Even a neutral comment or a question intended to clarify can be perceived as an attack. When you're an empathetic person, you'll naturally pick up on this sensitivity, and you might unconsciously avoid saying anything to trigger this. You might know that certain topics are touchy, or you might feel that you need to outwardly agree with their position even though you inwardly don't. But this isn't a healthy strategy because you need to be willing to share your point of view so that you can pay attention to how they handle it. You miss valuable information if you avoid conflict. I remember being on a date. Yes, another date with a different narcissist, where I mentioned that I loved yoga. And the guy looked at me like I had just insulted his mother. And he said, you don't do that whole oming thing at the end, do you? That's satanic. Back then, I didn't recognize the red flag that this was, nor how important it was for me to speak up at that point so that I could get a clear assessment of who I was dealing with. Instead of staying true to myself, I just gave an ambiguous reply so I wouldn't upset him. And what started off as a small compromise to avoid conflict evolved into a pattern that dominated our relationship, ultimately costing me years of my life where I silenced my own voice to keep the peace. It was a hard lesson in the importance of standing firm in my values and the dangers of letting someone else's reactions dictate the terms of our relationship. When you're navigating a conversation with someone who seems to see disagreement as a personal attack, it's crucial to have a strategy that tests their openness when to other perspectives without triggering defensiveness. The perspective check is designed precisely to do this. Our empathy is important, but too much of it can cause us to prioritize other people's voices over our own. And the perspective check isn't just a skill to check for potential narcissists, it's a tool for every conversation. It'll help you remain present and heard so that you can embody your empathetic nature without losing yourself in the process. So start by expressing your own experience or belief in a gentle way, followed by an invitation for the other person's perspective. You could say something like I really love the Averitt Brothers. What kind of music do you like? Then carefully watch how they respond to your sharing. Are they listening and engaging with respect? Are they too eager to agree? I'll cover that red flag in a future episode. Or are they dismissive or perhaps even belittling? You're looking for someone who is at ease having their own perspective without needing to conform to your idea or being threatened by a different opinion. So mastering the perspective check is essential for anyone, especially those of us with high empathy, to make sure that we don't lose sight of our own voice.