5 Mind games narcissists play

Have you ever tried to explain yourself only to be met with blank stares or endless debates leaving you frustrated like you're just going around in circles? What if this exhaustion was the sign that you're losing a game that you didn't even know you were playing? If you find yourself full of self doubt, emotionally drained, or replaying conversations trying to make sense out of what was said, you might be dealing with a narcissist. I spent the last 20 years researching the deep connection between self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and a survivor myself, I know how difficult these situations can be. The mind games of a narcissist can be challenging to decipher, and when you don't understand them, it could cost you your job, your family, or the relationships you love most. In this video, I'll share five mind games that narcissists play, real life examples of how to spot them, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation. Have you ever tried to talk to someone about their behavior only to have the narrative shifted so the tables are suddenly turned on you? This is the first mind game a narcissist uses. The the Reverse Uno. When you play the card game uno, the goal is to get rid of all your cards. And as you go around the circle, you start to get an idea of what people are going to play and how they're playing, what they have left in their hand. And one by one, people are putting down their cards. And finally you have one card left and you're about to win. And then someone all of a sudden puts down a Reverse Uno and your whole game is thrown off and everyone starts scrambling to find their next card. And then sure enough, when it's your turn, you have to go back to the deck and draw again and again until you finally find a card to plunk. That's the power of the Reverse Uno. It throws you off, puts you into reaction mode where you're more likely to make mistakes and gives your opponent the upper hand. And this is exactly how it works with a narcissist. When you feel hurt and upset and finally get the strength to confront them about their behavior, they pull the Reverse uno to shift the direction of the narrative. So now you're the problem and they are the victim. If you say something like, I felt really hurt when you ignored me at the party, they'll use the Reverse Uno and say something like, you were the one that spent the whole night chatting with everyone else. How am I supposed to feel about that? Where you were the one that originally felt vulnerable and hurt. Now you're the one having to justify and defend when you find yourself confronting someone and suddenly they shift the conversation to your past mistakes or your flaws. Try the wild card strategy in Uno. The wild card allows you to take control of the game no matter what the other players are doing. Similarly, this strategy helps you maintain control of the convers and set the tone rather than engaging in their manipulative game. Instead of getting defensive or justifying your actions, calmly acknowledge their comment and then steer the conversation back to the original issue. Say something like, I hear you, but we're talking about this right now. This strategy empowers you to remain in control of the focus and the original intent of the conversation. Have you ever had someone insist that they know exactly what you're thinking and feeling, even when they're totally wrong? This is the second mind game a narcissist uses. Simon says. In Simon says, Simon is in charge of everything you do. Simon says, close your eyes, so you close your eyes. Simon says, touch your nose, so you touch your nose. Then they trick you with something like jump up and down. And if you do that, you're out because they didn't say Simon says. The power of Simon lies in the ability to control your actions by making you doubt your own decisions. And this is similar to the narcissist mind game. The narcissist wants to control every move you make, just like Simon in the game. By telling you what you think and feel, they make you repeat their version of reality, effectively saying Simon says before every single thought or feeling that you express. If you don't accept their version of your thoughts and feelings, you're out. Meaning that they'll gaslight you or accuse you of being irrational or dismiss your emotions altogether. This tactic keeps you second guessing yourself and dependent on them for validation, making it easier for them to maintain control over you. For example, if you say, I feel overwhelmed with work right now, they might say, no, you're not overwhelmed, you're just envious of your manager. In other words, Simon says what you think, Simon says what you feel, and then Simon puts you in your place with a strategically placed passive aggressive comment. Where you may have hoped to share your experience or gain connection or understanding, you now feel invalidated and dismissed. And even worse, you're left wondering if you really are wrong about your experience. When you find yourself dealing with someone who tries to dictate your thoughts and feelings, the key to breaking free is to stop listening to Simon and to start trusting your own judgment to claim authority over your own thoughts and feelings, try the Simon doesn't say Strategy. Instead of accepting their version of your emotions, use a direct statement to assert your autonomy. Say something like I'm quite aware of what I'm thinking and feeling. This does a couple things. It lets them know that the tactic isn't working and it sets a boundary to let them know that you have sole ownership over your thoughts and emotions. It also reinforces your self worth by reminding you to trust your own feelings and to protect the right that you have to your own experience. If you'd like a copy of the Tools I share, sign up below and you'll get a new three minute Empowerment plan every week have you ever tried to discuss a difficult topic only to end up more confused and frustrated as they deny everything and then distract you with unrelated issues? This is the third game a narcissist uses, the shell game. The shell game is where there's a small ball hidden under one of the three cups and you're supposed to follow along to see which cup has the ball. Sounds simple, but it's a con designed to be deceptive and unfair. They use sleight of hand and misdirection to manipulate the game in their favor. By keeping you focused on the distraction, you lose sight of where the ball is and they win. And this is similar to how a narcissist keeps you flustered. The narcissist uses a strategy of outright denial combined with distractions to exhaust and frustrate you. Just like the she game where the cups are shuffling. They're going to shuffle the narrative so quickly that you lose track of the original issue by repeatedly denying any wrongdoings. They're going to say something like I didn't do that, I didn't say that, or that's not what I meant, shuffling ideas past you so fast that it's hard to focus on the truth or the lie. And then they bring up unrelated issues, attacking your known triggers, shifting the focus away from their behavior. Where you were trying to address the behavior, now you're distracted, confused and exhausted. And this is exactly what they want to exasperate you so that you'll give up on holding them accountable. When you find yourself in a situation where someone's shuffling through denials and distractions trying to make you lose sight of the original issue. Take control of this mind game by using the eye on the ball strategy. The ball here is the topic that you originally brought up, the original situation behavior, or the topic that you tried to start discussing whenever the narcissist tries to shuffle those cups and denies or distracts firmly. Bring the focus back to the main issue with a clear and assertive statement. For example, you can say something like I am focused on insert topic. This strategy empowers you to cut through the distractions and to maintain clarity, preventing the narcissist from derailing the conversation. It acts as a reminder to stay focused on the truth and to refuse to follow their attempts to confuse and exhaust you. Have you ever tried to discuss a vulnerable subject only to find yourself suddenly being criticized and attacked? This is the fourth game the narcissist uses. Whack a Mole. You know how in the Whack a Mole arcade game, moles pop up randomly from different holes and you're supposed to be quick enough to hit them down before they hide again. The narcissist uses the same tactic, keeping you on edge, hyper vigilant and in reaction mode, trying to distract you until you eventually give up. If you try to bring something up with a narcissist, they'll play the role of the mole. They'll deflect any criticism and pop up an attack with blame. Then you try to address that issue and then they deflect again and then they pop pop up with a new attack. And the more you try to pin them down, the quicker they're going to get at deflecting and attacking. For example, if you confront them about breaking a promise, they might say, I didn't promise you anything. Why do you always need to judge me? Or if you call them out for lying, they'll say, I didn't lie. You're making stuff up. Basically, when you get upset, they get upset at you for being upset. This forces you into a defensive position, distracting you from the original wrongdoing. You end up defending yourself and your actions, which not only deflects attention from the narcissist faults, but also induces guilt and self doubt, making you less likely to challenge them in the future. It's like a never ending cycle. Just like the game of Whack a Mole, when you find yourself dealing with a narcissist who's using a Whack a Mole strategy, try the strategic withdrawal method. In the Whack a Mole game, the narcissist wants you to believe that you're stuck in a never ending game. They want you to keep your focus on their attacks and distractions. However, the only winning strategy here is to stop engaging and to strategically withdraw when they try to bring up a different topic. The first step is to bring the Focus back to the original issue. For example, you can say something like we're discussing original topic right now. Then if the whack a mole continues, use strategic withdrawal by stating this conversation isn't working. I'm done now. And then you remove yourself from the conversation by leaving the room or hanging the phone up or ending the meeting. This strategy strategy empowers you to maintain control and to avoid being drawn into an endless diversion and attack. Whack a Mole Situation have you ever been in a relationship where someone says all the right words that sound like they love and care about you, but their actions tell a different story? This is the fifth mind game a narcissist uses playing house. You know how kids play house and they imitate the roles of adults without really understanding the responsibilities that come with these roles. They might say I'm the mommy or I'm the daddy, so but this is all pretend and there's no real obligations or consequences. Similarly, a narcissist uses the concept of love in this kind of superficial way, saying the words of caring and affection but not following through with genuine loving actions. The narcissist pretends to fulfill the role of a loving partner or a parent or a friend to create the illusion of love and care which keeps you invested in the relationship. They might even say I love you or I care about you or you're important to me. But their actions don't really demonstrate love or care. And then if you confront them, they might say something like how could you even think I don't love you? Or why would you accuse me of not caring about you? This mind game involves the narcissist pretending to not understand basic connection, morality, cultural norms or expectations. By playing dumb, they create confusion and frustration, making you question your own perceptions and judgments. This constant questioning of reality can erode your confidence in your own moral compass and decision making abilities, leaving you doubting whether your expectations of love and care are even reasonable. When you find yourself dealing with someone who uses words of love and care without backing them up with genuine actions, try the action Truth check to help you figure out what's real and what's pretend. Instead of believing their words, observe their actions. Actions always tell the truth. This helps you determine whether they're playing house to manipulate you or if they genuinely care about you. For example, if they say I care about you but consistently ignore your needs, recognize this as a mind game to control and manipulate you rather than being about genuine care. And if this is a tactic, consider taking steps to protect yourself and to stop playing house with this person. Remember, you deserve genuine care instead of a make believe mind game.