5 Relationship Mistakes No One Ever Taught You

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have relationships that seem so effortless? Part of this comes down to the people involved, and part of this comes down to the communication strategies they use. We all know that if you don't pay attention to toxic habits, they could destroy your relationship. It doesn't matter how much you love each other. Today we're focusing on the communication mistakes we're often completely unaware of. So let's get into my top five overlooked red flags. Have you ever caught yourself shutting down or pulling away in a heated conversation as a protective reflex? Maybe you find yourself tiptoeing around uncomfortable topics knowing that they are touchy subjects. This is the crux of the fifth most common mistake, avoiding conflict. This can look like withdrawal, where you pick up your phone and start scrolling instead of working through an uncomfortable conversation. It can look like pretending there's nothing wrong, and it can look like walking out of the room when things get too heated. It can look like avoiding certain subjects or stonewalling, where you shut down or refuse to continue working through things. This strategy actually stems from an instinct to protect yourself or even to protect the relationship. It's a defense mechanism when things get intense. Avoiding conflict seems like the easiest way to keep the relationship intact. We do this because we want to help our relationships. However, this strategy really hurts us in the long run when you avoid conflict. At best, you end up in a pretend relationship where the other person doesn't really know how you feel, how you think, what you care about, or what you really want. While you might be skirting conversations that put the relationship at risk, you ultimately set up a failing strategy where there's no real foundation to strengthen the relationship. Believe me, I know this one all too well. I was with my ex husband for 17 years and I used to see it as a point of pride that we almost never argued. In fact, when we went to the mediator during our divorce, she asked us if we're sure we wanted to get a divorce because we seemed to get along so well. But the truth was we were just both really good at avoiding conflict. He would just leave when things got uncomfortable and I would just pretend everything was fine. I was afraid to ask for what I wanted and needed. And because I didn't want to seem needy, I didn't want him to think that I was a burden. So I played the part I thought I was supposed to play. Fear and Shame Here were the driving factors. I was afraid of difficult conversations. I was afraid of the vulnerability it would require on my part. I was ashamed of my own needs and my own desires. And I was afraid that our relationship wouldn't be able to endure the conflict. Now, does that mean that diving headfirst into conflict would have saved my relationship? No. The undeniable problems were there from the get go. Avoiding conflict just kept me stuck in an unhappy relationship for longer. However, there's a powerful silver lining to this realization. Recognizing our tendency to avoid conflict is the first step towards meaningful change. Here's how we can transform this instinct into a tool for strengthening our relationships. Conflict, when approached thoughtfully, can actually be a growth opportunity for a relationship. And it allows both people to express their feelings and needs openly, paving the way for mutual understanding and respect. Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, we need to learn to engage in them with honesty and empathy. So start by acknowledging your fear or your discomfort around the conflict. It's okay to feel vulnerable. Instead of shutting down. Communicate your needs. Say something like, I'm overwhelmed. Can we discuss this after I've had some time to think? In conflicts, you want to aim for understanding rather than winning. Which brings us to the fourth most common mistake, keeping score. This one is trickier than you might think. So let's unpack this. Keeping score can look like trying to make things fair, keeping track of who's doing what and who's contributing what. This can fall into a tit for tat pattern where you don't do something because they didn't do something. And it can also turn into retaliation where you try to even the score through covert punishment. We do this as an attempt to create fairness and for self protection. We might think, if I can just keep track of what they're doing wrong, I can prevent myself from being treated unfairly. It's a strategy we adopt, perhaps subconsciously, to protect ourselves from getting hurt or to ensure that our efforts and pains are acknowledged. In my personal experience, this one is complicated. In my previous marriage, I couldn't stop keeping score. I was always keeping track of how much he helped around the house, how much he helped with childcare, how much he helped financially. I was always keeping lists in my head what he had done, what he hadn't done, why I had always done more. And this was a miserable way to live. But I couldn't stop myself from being resentful. And here's what I missed. It actually was unfair and he was taking advantage of me. He was using me. And this is where my conflict avoidance mistake number five kept me in this perpetual cycle of resentment. So instead of asking for help or speaking about unfair distribution of responsibility, I Avoided the subject and silently seethed. And this is a recipe for failure. Now here's why. This is a complicated subject for me and not really black and white. I had always thought that this keeping score thing was a me problem. I thought it was a problem with my thinking. I thought it was a problem with focusing on the negative. I thought it was just kind of how I was built. But once I met my current husband, I realized I never keep score. Like, doesn't even cross my mind. I don't feel resentful. I don't feel like things are unfair. I don't make lists of what I'm doing, and I don't make lists of what he's doing. I'm not keeping track of the way we divvy up responsibilities. And I don't think this change is because of some sort of emotional enlightenment that I've arrived at. I actually think it's because I'm truly supported and cared for. He's not using me. He's not a narcissist. He's not trying to exploit me. And being in the coaching and personal development space for the past 20 years, I found there's this weird way that we actually use positive thinking to perpetuate abuse. In my case, I took it upon myself to think that I needed to change a negative thinking pattern, basically thinking that if I could just change myself, then this pain would stop. It's a type of spiritual bypass where you think you can just choose better thoughts and arrive at a better outcome. But when you're being abused, exploited, or used, you absolutely must address it. Which brings us to how to improve this issue of keeping score. It starts with self awareness. Begin by acknowledging when you're keeping score. Check in to see if you're constantly tallying contributions or faults. And then next comes the reality check. You have to be really honest with yourself. Are things truly unfair, or are you just in a mental habit of thinking that you shouldn't have to do X, y, or z? If things are truly unfair, ask yourself why you're tolerating this unfairness. If this seems like a mental habit, ask yourself what you specifically need to address in your relationship to try to alleviate the pattern. Speaking of patterns, let's talk about mistake number three. An unhealthy expression of emotions. Have you ever wondered why communicating our emotions in relationships can be so challenging? We often swing between two extremes. Explosive emotional outbursts or being emotionally stoic or unavailable. Why do these patterns emerge and how do they affect our connections? On one end, there's this tendency to explode and throw tantrums. And this might look like rage, unbridled envy, shouting, hysterical crying. And on the other end, there's this being stoic, emotionally unavailable, or out of touch with our feelings. And this might look like numbing out, blinking out, zoning out. It might look like cracking a beer or pouring a glass of wine. It might appear to be more peaceful or civilized. But don't be fooled. Both ends of this spectrum can create significant barriers in our relationships. Emotional outbursts like anger or frustration can be overwhelming and damaging, leading to hurtful words and actions. Spewing your emotions all over someone is just a way to off gas your discomfort at their expense. And it's not healthy and it's not a useful strategy. On the flip side, being emotionally stoic or unavailable may seem like a way to maintain control or protect yourself from vulnerability, but it often leaves our partners feeling isolated and disconnected. Even worse, being disconnected from your own emotions cuts you off from crucial feedback and inner guidance. These reactions often stem from how we've learned to handle emotions in our past, whether it's our family of origin, past relationships, or even societal influences. Emotional outbursts can be a learned response to feeling unheard or powerless, while emotional stoicism can be a defense mechanism against vulnerability or hurt. These are two ends of the same dysfunction. Being unwilling or unable to handle your own emotions I grew up in a household with explosive rage and fury. My mom would fly into hysterics, throw tantrums, scream and cry, and my dad would break things and slam doors and scare me. Growing up in a household like that, I vowed to always keep cool, calm and collected. And while this might seem like a great strategy, what I was actually doing was dissociating and distancing myself from my emotions. Instead of being aware of anger, fear or sadness, I'd just slip out the back door of my mind until I felt comfortably far away from the problem. Emotions are meant to be a check in. They are meant to be a system for clear inner guidance. Being cut off from my anger, I wasn't able to recognize boundary violations. Being cut off from fear, I wasn't able to register when I was in danger and being distanced from sadness, I wasn't able to grasp how lonely or heartbroken I felt in my last relationship. If you struggle with this, I have a self guided course called the Four Voices that goes deeper into this subject, helping you understand your emotions, how they work, and how to use them for inner guidance. I'll link it below. Before we get into the number one mistake that everyone makes without realizing how detrimental it is. Let's talk about the mistake you're probably not even aware that you're making. This one was big for me, and I honestly thought, I never did this, and boy, was I wrong. Mistake number two is the need to be right. Now, before you blow this off and skip this, hear me out, because this is way more common than you think. Have you ever caught yourself in a conversation insisting on correcting the facts or steering it towards accuracy? This is a classic sign of the subtle yet pervasive trap of needing to be right. That's not just about winning a big argument. So sometimes it's the small moments where you insist on factual accuracy or the correct version of events, information, or details. For example, your husband might say, we got there at 5, and you gently correct him, saying, no, we got there at 5. 15. Or it might come up as a way to curtail exaggeration. You might say something like, well, she wasn't furious, she was just annoyed. Or you might find yourself trying to review specific dialogue points. Something like, that's not what I said. What I said was. Sometimes it's an even longer or larger process where you might believe that if you can just get them to agree on the facts, or if you can just get them to understand what you actually mean or what actually happened, or if you could just explain what you were thinking, then you could finally come to an agreement. All of this falls into the ugly category of needing to be right, and it's intimacy killer. It turns discussion into a battle to be wonderful rather than an opportunity for mutual understanding. This approach often stems from a desire for validation or fear of vulnerability. And I find this a lot with clients who are recovering or still involved in narcissistic relationships. And this was me as well. I think after years of being gaslit, I was desperate for truth, for someone to understand me and to hear what I said and to believe me. It wasn't so much about competition for me, but more about trusting myself and having someone else trust me as well. But regardless of the intention, insisting on being right is a losing strategy. It creates a dynamic where one person's perspective dominates, leaving the other person feeling unheard, invalidated, and sometimes even gaslit. The focus shifts from understanding and empathizing with each other to proving a point which erodes the foundation of trust and mutual respect. Okay, to start working on this, be aware of when your need to be right starts to surface. Is it during specific topics or situations? Understanding your triggers is crucial. And then value empathy over accuracy. Shift your focus from winning the argument to understanding the partner's perspective. Show empathy and validate their feelings, even if you disagree on the facts. And then you need to let go of control. Accept that you don't always need to control the narrative. Embrace the idea that different perspectives can coexist without one being right or wrong, and most of all, choose the relationship over the facts. If you want to build intimacy, trust, and connection, you must prioritize the relationship. Instead of focusing on factual accuracy of a conversation, try to understand the feelings and the perspectives of the other person. Now onto the number one most commonly overlooked relationship mistake, something we've probably all been guilty of at some point. Complaining. Okay, we all know what complaining sounds like, but in the context of relationships, we need to pay close attention to the complaints that are failed attempts to get the other person to change, to get them to do something, or to get them to take responsibility for something. This can sound as simple as it's freezing in here, where instead of asking for the thermostat to be turned up, or having a conversation about what's comfortable for both of you, you passively complain and hope to have your needs met. Or it could sound like there's never anything in the fridge, where instead of asking for help with groceries and you grumble and place ambiguous blame, it can sound like oh, I'm so exhausted. Where instead of having a difficult conversation about getting more support with the kids, you make cryptic remarks that aren't really helpful. Complaining is basically a negative expression of dissatisfaction or frustration without offering a solution or a path forward. It's a passive approach where we might hope our partner picks up on our hints, magically understanding our needs. Many of us resort to complaining because it feels safer than directly asking for what we need. There's a vulnerability in making a request or expressing a need directly. It's also really scary asking for what you need or want. Whether we're talking about chores around the house, finances, or sex, it's vulnerable. If you actually ask for what you want, you run the risk of being rejected or even worse, ignored. And this is actually the positive intention behind complaining. And it's a bizarre attempt to get what we want without having to take risks in the relationship. If you can just complain and magically get what you want, you don't ever have to find out if the person is truly supportive, kind, or generous. You don't have to know if they share your values. You don't have to be rejected, hurt, or ignored. Just this past year, I found myself doing this. I'd complain about the weather, I'd complain about the fog, I'd complain about the isolation of living in the country. And. And I was doing this for months before I finally heard myself. And I was like, meadow, what are you doing? I know better. I teach this. And yet I still fell into this trap. The problem with this habit, beyond the fact that it's super annoying, is that complaining never actually addresses the problem. So first you have to figure out what the problem is. Then you turn the complaint into a request where you ask for support, help or change directly. And that's really hard. This recent one took me a few months. Even though I kind of heard this voice in my head right away say what the problem was. I heard it and I was like, that's too big, too scary, too risky. I was like, nope, that can't be it. But after a few months, I just kept coming back to the same sentence over and over. And that meant I needed to have a very difficult conversation. I had to be very honest with my emotions. I had to expose my vulnerabilities and put my relationship at risk to ask for what I needed and wanted. And even though I know my husband loves me and supports me, asking for help or support is always super scary for me. So here are some ideas to help you practice a better strategy. First, you need to spot the pattern you need to be aware of when you're complaining versus making a clear request. Then practice stating your needs and requests clearly and respectfully. Use phrases like I would really appreciate your help with. And make sure to focus on solutions instead of highlighting the problem. Suggest possible solutions or alternatives. Understanding these relationship mistakes is the first crucial step in creating harmony in your relationship. But let's face it, there are situations where no matter what you do or what you try, you have to face a hard truth. The relationship just isn't working. Which brings you to a really difficult question. How do you know when a relationship is over? Click this video to learn the three signs. It's time to leave. Where you'll learn my three step process showing you what you need to do, what you need to know to help decide whether you should stay or go.