5 things narcissists do that'll never make sense to you

Have you ever found yourself completely baffled trying to figure out why someone acts the way they do? Whether you're dating, married, or trying to figure out a past relationship, narcissists can keep you questioning everything if you don't know how to categorize their behavior. I've spent the last 20 years researching self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author and survivor myself, I teach simple systems to empower you in any situation. Today, I'll share five things narcissists do that never make sense. Unpack the motives behind these behaviors and show you how to avoid getting hooked. Have you ever been on the verge of walking away from someone only for them to suddenly act like the perfect partner or perfect friend or family member? It's like a switch flip and for one moment they're everything you wanted them to be. This is classic narcissistic behavior, giving you just enough to keep you hooked. Narcissists use a psychological tactic called intermittent rewards. It's the same principle that keeps people addicted to gambling. You never know when the next win, or in this case their good behavior is going to come. So you stay invested, hoping for that next high. This creates a powerful emotional trap, keeping you stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment. What makes this so baffling is the unpredictability. Most people assume that when someone shows care or affection, it reflects real feelings. But that's not how narcissists work. Those moments of goodness aren't unconditional. They're calculated to keep you tethered. It's about making sure that you stay invested despite the harm they're causing. To start recognizing this pattern so that you can break free. Use the benefit check. When someone with a pattern of harmful behavior suddenly flips the script and acts like the perfect partner, friend, family member, ask yourself, how does this change in behavior benefit them? Instead of being swept up into the apparent goodness of their actions, redirect your focus to the bigger picture. Even though the outward behavior has changed, the internal motive hasn't. So keep your eye on what's in it for them. Have you ever noticed how some people twist your kindness into an excuse for their behavior? With narcissists, this isn't accidental. It's a deliberate strategy. They exploit your empathy, using it as a tool to avoid accountability and to keep you in their orbit. Narcissists know you value compassion and forgiveness and they can put on a good act. They'll play the victim. They'll spin heart wrenching stories or deliver tearful apologies. When they cross the line. These moments make you hesitate because you don't want to seem unkind or unfair to someone who appears so vulnerable. But their remorse isn't about repairing the relationship. It's a ploy to deflect attention from their actions and to draw you deeper into the cycle of their control. What makes this so confusing is that many people see empathy and compassion as good and valuable traits. Traits that make us more likable, more dependable, more lovable. But narcissists don't think this way. To them, it's just a weakness that they can exploit. They know that you're a good person, and they rely on this knowing that your guilt, patience and selflessness will make you stay longer than you should. The truth is, your empathy isn't the problem. They are. When someone twists your kindness into something to manipulate you, use the compassion mirror to stay empathetic while blocking their control. If they start spinning a story to make you feel guilty when, reflect on their emotions without taking on their burden. Calmly say something like, it sounds like this has been really hard for you. Then stop. Resist the urge to fix, rescue, or apologize. None of that is your responsibility. Next, gently redirect accountability back to them. Say something like, what do you think will help? Or what are you planning to do about it? This keeps the focus on them, signaling that while you care, their problems aren't yours to solve. If they push harder or try to guilt you into action, stay calm and say something like, I trust you'll figure it out. By holding steady, you make it clear that your empathy is a strength, not a vulnerability that they can exploit. If you'd like a copy of the Tools I Share, sign up below and you'll get a new three minute empowerment plan every week. Have you ever been deeply hurt by someone's words or actions, only to have them act like it never happened? Narcissists are masters at this. They'll say or do something that cuts to the core. But instead of apologizing or acknowledging that they hurt you, they move on as if nothing ever happened. Worse, they expect you to do the same thing. To a narcissist, guilt isn't about regret for hurting someone, it's about the fallout that they might have to deal with. Admitting fault or taking accountability isn't just uncomfortable for them, it's intolerable. And to do so would mean exposing a flaw or a weakness or giving over control, which clashes with their need to appear superior and untouchable. So instead of acknowledging harm, they simply move on, leaving you to grapple with unresolved pain. This behavior is really confusing to most of us because we expect someone to remain accountable or to show remorse in any kind of relationship. And when you don't see those responses, it's easy to start questioning yourself, like, am I the one overreacting or did I do something wrong? But the truth is that narcissists don't care about the pain they'd cause, their focus solely on self preservation. Your feelings aren't part of their equation. They're really only put out because they think they have to deal with you. Now, when someone hurts you and acts like it never happened, use the name the pain tool to honor your feelings and to maintain your boundaries. Say, I'm feeling hurt, angry, shocked, et cetera, and I'm not going to pretend everything's fine. This identifies your emotions and sets a boundary without inviting debate. If they dismiss or deflect, end the conversation immediately. Say, I'm not going to continue with this. And then remove yourself from the call, the conversation, or the room. Have you ever caught someone in a lie or bad behavior only to hear an excuse so absurd it made you question your own sanity? Narcissists do this all the time. When confronted, they don't just dodge accountability. They create excuses designed to bait you into defending yourself. And that's exactly the point. Most people expect excuses to make sense, even if they don't agree with them. You might think, well, maybe they misunderstood what I meant, or if I just explain myself better, they'll see the problem. But narcissists rely on this instinct to draw you into their trap. Every time you try to clarify or explain, you give them exactly what they truly want, your emotional energy. If you call out a narcissist for their behavior, they're going to say something like, you're always accusing me because you're so insecure. Or if you weren't so controlling, I wouldn't have had to lie. These statements aren't meant to resolve the issue. They're meant to provoke you. By shifting the focus from their actions to your supposed flaws, they bait you into defending yourself. Before you know it, you're caught in an emotional argument trying to prove that you're not insecure or controlling. And this behavior is super confusing because it's so counterintuitive. Narcissists don't care about justifying their actions or finding resolution. Their excuses are tools to extract something far more valuable. Your time, your attention, and your energy. And these are the currencies of narcissistic supply. The more emotional energy you spend Defending yourself, the more they feel in control. The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing the bait for what it is. Their excuses don't need to make sense. They're designed to keep you hooked and engaged. When you see this clearly, you can stop taking the bait and instead of defending yourself, calmly redirect the focus back to their behavior. Say something like, this isn't about me. This is about what you did. By refusing to play their game, you deny them the emotional currency that they crave, and you take back your own power. Have you ever faced a dark moment hoping for someone to support you, only to find that they're completely absent? Or worse, making it all about themselves when you need them most? Narcissists vanish emotionally, physically, or both, leaving you to carry the weight of your struggles alone. This is due to their pathological need to remain the center of attention. Your pain, your needs, and your heartache threaten their ability to receive narcissistic supply. To a narcissist, your struggles shift the spotlight away from them, and they can't tolerate that in public. Narcissists appear supportive when there's an audience. They might sit in a hospital waiting room for a stranger or post a heartfelt message on social media. But behind closed doors is a different story. To them, you're not someone to care for. You're something to use. When you're vulnerable, sick, hurting, you're no longer useful. Your pain becomes an inconvenience because it interrupts their ability to seek attention elsewhere. This abandonment doesn't just happen in the moment. It defines how they view relationships. Narcissists don't experience connection as a mutual bond. To them, people are tools to be used. When a tool isn't functioning as expected, they abandon it without hesitation. What makes this behavior even more baffling is their lack of object permanence in a relationship. When they leave, they're not thinking about your pain or whether or not they're there with you. They're focused only on finding their next source of attention and validation. Then when they come back, whether it's days, weeks, or months later, they expect you to erase the past and seamlessly resume the role of being their good little tool that does what they want. In their mind, they've hit a reset button. And your pain and their absence and their abandonment, they don't count. This stark contrast, public performative support versus private indifference, leaves you questioning everything. And many times you're going to turn it on yourself. Because how can someone appear so caring to strangers and yet not care at all about you who they claim to love. The thing is, though, if there's no audience to admire their effort or their kindness or their generosity, they don't see it as real. When someone abandons you in your darkest moments, use the spotlight shift to recognize that their actions aren't a one time lapse, but part of a deeper pattern. When they disappear or make it about themselves, remind yourself their need for narcissistic supply always takes precedence. This isn't about me, it's about how they operate. Reframing the situation this way helps you see that their behavior isn't about you. It's not about your needs. It's about their dysfunctional toxicity. Then take a step back to protect yourself from the ongoing abuse.