5 Traps a female covert narcissist uses

Have you ever known someone where you felt like no matter what you do or what you say, you can never do enough, give enough or be enough for her? Have you left those interactions feeling guilty or exhausted, burdened by the weight of being her emotional support? If you struggle with anxiety, low self esteem, self doubt, or you find yourself trapped in codependent relationships or friendships, this information is crucial for your personal growth. You may be Dealing with a Female Covert Narcissist for the past 20 years, I've dedicated my life to researching the complexities of self worth and uncovering the hidden aspects of narcissistic abuse. I'm not only a coach, author and teacher in this field, but I'm also a survivor myself. In this video, I'll share five key signs of a Female Covert narcissist and personal stories from my own experience to help you identify them. The first key sign is their distinct way of manipulating through emotional control. Unlike overt manipulation, what you'll often encounter is a more subtle form passive aggressive behavior, fabricated conflicts, and an unrelenting pressure to prove your worth. This is a cycle that exhausts and diminishes, turning your efforts into a never ending quest for approval and acceptance. You're probably not going to see this overt manipulation. Instead, you're going to experience passive aggressive behavior where you feel punished but you don't know why. You'll be the target of fabricated conflicts where you did nothing wrong, but all of a sudden you'll find yourself in trouble and and feel the need to apologize or to work harder to stay in their good graces. Female covert narcissists are masters at making you feel like you need to prove your worth, putting you into this endless cycle of feeling like you have to perform, serve, achieve and give to earn their love. In my experience, the telltale sign of being tangled up with a covert narcissist is this deep personal sense of not feeling worthy. In my books, I define worthy as the quality of deserving time, attention and energy. When you're wrapped up in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you end up feeling the opposite. You end up feeling like you don't deserve time, attention or energy. And you end up feeling like you need to give more effort, more service, more money, more kindness, hoping to feel worthy. And covert narcissists love this and they want to keep you trapped in this cycle. The key to coping with this type of manipulation is to find ways to reinforce a separate sense of self or a separate identity that is independent of the narcissist's Validation. Practice saying no to demands that drain your resources or violate your values. Remind yourself that your worth does not depend on someone else's approval or recognition. Now onto the second key sign of a female covert narcissist. The issue of boundaries and control. This aspect takes us deeper into how she subtly infiltrates and dominates various aspects of your life. With a female covert narcissist, you might miss this sign, because when you're naturally empathetic, like you and me, we often are way too willing to give up pieces of ourselves to make someone else happy. A covert narcissist will disregard your boundaries and try to elicit pity or guilt trip you into giving them what they want. When you say no, they won't listen. If you say you're not available, they'll insinuate that you're being selfish. They'll apply double standards where they're allowed to have privacy. They are allowed to not be available. They are allowed to say no. But you, you will always feel subtly punished, devalued, or demoted for trying to have any square inch to yourself. The female covert narcissist wants to control every aspect of your life and your decisions, but she won't just come out and say it. No, she'll disguise it as care, concern, or worry. She'll be like, oh, I just worry about you. And you'll feel that pit in your stomach, like you're stuck and there's no way out. The way that I experienced this with my mom was that I felt consumed with guilt and burdened with a false sense of responsibility. I felt like her feelings, her mental health, her money issues, her tantrums were my problem, that if I'd done something she didn't like, that I was actually directly causing her to suffer. I was terrified of letting her down and disappointing her, but not because I valued her opinion. I was more afraid of the emotional punishment that I'd have to endure if I didn't do what she wanted. I didn't see it for what it was, my mother trying to control and dominate me. Instead, I thought it was a me problem, where I constantly tried to measure up so that I wouldn't be penalized. The key to dealing with this type of control is to firmly establish and assert your boundaries. Boundaries are simply clear communication of what works for you and what doesn't. It's not about being confrontational. It's about being assertive and respectful to your own needs. Boundaries are hard and uncomfortable, especially when you're new at them. But with practice and time, the investment becomes empowering. Let's move on to the third key sign, Emotional impact and erosion of self worth. This sign is about the subtle ways that covert narcissists can compare you to others and diminish your efforts, often leading to a profound impact on your self esteem. This aspect is particularly insidious because it targets the very core of your identity, your sense of self worth. They're smart about how they do this. It's not going to be all the time. They'll take a dig at you just when you're feeling a little bit insecure, or just when you're looking for a little bit of support. Or on the flip side, in one of those chance moments where you're feeling pretty good about yourself yourself, they'll jab you with an unexpected insult just to keep you off balance. You might find yourself constantly being compared to others, or your efforts and achievements might be consistently belittled or overlooked. And this continuous undermining can lead to a significant erosion of your self esteem. I remember years ago telling my friend about starting my coaching business. I'd just been on Oprah and I was like over the moon about my career. And she said with a laugh, I can't even imagine anybody hiring you. Look at your life. And I just stood there like stunned. My optimism immediately vanished. Before her comment, I was thinking of myself as a strong single mom with a thriving career and an opportunity to work with these amazing people. And after her comment, immediately I felt like I wasn't smart enough, successful enough, married enough, or rich enough, and that I was making a total fool of myself. That look at your life comment happened in 2008 and that so called friend has been out of my life for over a decade. And her words still replay in my head anytime I feel insecure, care about my work. Coping with this requires you to do the work to build your self worth. You build your self worth by investing in yourself. By giving time, attention and energy to what you love, to what you desire, to what you need. It means that you do your best to silence those old voices, old criticisms and hurtful memories so that you can live the life that you deserve. Start by doing small things that make you feel proud of yourself. Acknowledge your efforts and be kind to yourself. Remember, the hurtful words and comparisons from narcissists are reflections of their issues, not yours. They do not define your worth. You do. Moving on to the fourth key sign, communication and defensiveness. This is where the COVID narcissist tactics become especially evident in how they handle conflicts and conversations. In interactions With a female covert narcissist, you might notice that they often dismiss, minimize or completely shut down your attempts at communication. But they won't do this all the time. And this is what's confusing. What you'll see sometimes is something called hoovering, where they seem to be genuinely interested in you. They ask you a bunch of questions, and you might really feel like they care. When you're in the trap of hoovering, the conversation is going to be one sided, where you are doing most of the talking. You might share vulnerable information about yourself, or you might share something personal. But then you walk away from the conversation realizing that the other person hasn't shared anything about themselves. That's called hoovering because just like a vacuum cleaner, the narcissist is sucking information out of you. While in the moment this might feel like intimacy or connection, later, they use this information against you to target your vulnerabilities. The flip side of hoovering happens when they don't think that the information is going to be useful for them. And this is when you see them be dismissive, they'll cut you off, interrupt you, or completely ignore you. Now, if you have a criticism or something that you want to discuss about their behavior, or if you want to talk about a way that they've hurt you, they instantly become wounded victims. They'll deflect the criticism and they'll turn the conversation on you. They'll make it seem like you're the one hurting them, that you're the one that's in the wrong. No matter how the conversation begins, it ends with them playing the victim and you being the perpetrator. I remember emailing this editor to revise a cut that she had made on one of my podcast posts. She had edited out this key piece of information. I just wanted the full explanation to be in the audio. I thought it would be a simple request, but a few seconds after sending my email, my phone immediately started buzz, accusing me of being rude, cruel, insensitive. Then she called me sobbing, telling me that I can't tell her things like that, that she's sensitive and she can't handle it if I'm unhappy. It was totally bizarre and reactionary. So when you see this kind of tantrum or victimhood, especially if they're creating drama out of something really small, this might be a sign of COVID narcissism. The best way to handle this type of communication is to stay calm and focused, be careful about oversharing, and stay on the lookout for hoovers. When you're aware that a Conversation is going off track, try to bring it back to the issue without getting caught up in their defensiveness. Remember that you have a right to express your feelings and concerns. If a conversation becomes too heated or unproductive, it's okay to step back and revisit it later. Okay, Our final key sign, no win situations and constant Monitoring. This sign is particularly challenging because it places you in scenarios where regardless of your actions, the outcome is never in your favor. In a no win situation created by a covert narcissist, you'll find your actions are constantly scrutinized and criticized. It feels like you're walking on eggshells where every choice you make is wrong in their eyes. These scenarios are designed to keep you off balance and in a state of constant self doubt. What you'll see is something like your friend asking you for your opinion, where you carefully offer your honest thoughts and then try to be supportive. And then your friend criticizes you for being too opinionated, not supportive of her choices, and then you end up feeling terrible. So you decide to be more agreeable next time. But when you simply agree with her, then she accuses you of not caring about her problems. So no matter what you do, she makes it so you're in the wrong, leaving you with no way to win. Alongside this, there's this aspect of constant monitoring. A covert narcissist wants to know and control everything you do. This could manifest as incessant questioning about your whereabouts, your activities, or even your thoughts. It's a form of surveillance that invades your privacy and autonomy, leaving you feeling trapped and suffocated. I experienced this years ago on a road trip. I was with a few friends having a blast when out of the blue I got a Facebook message that gave me this instant gut punch, feeling like I was doing something wrong or like I was in trouble. This was a supposed friend asking me who I was with and why I didn't invite her. And I wasn't feeling that angsty knot in my stomach because I felt like I hurt her feelings. Nah, it was because I broke the rules. And I knew it. I was supposed to tell her where I was. I was supposed to tell her who I was with. I was supposed to tell her where I was going. I wasn't supposed to have fun that didn't include her. I wasn't supposed to have my own life. I knew this without her ever really having to say it. Dealing with no win situations and constant monitoring requires a delicate balance of assertiveness and self care. It's important to recognize these scenarios for what they are. Traps designed to undermine your sense of self. When you find yourself in a situation like this, try to step back and view it objectively. Ask yourself if there's a genuine issue or if it's just a manipulation tactic. In terms of constant monitoring, setting boundaries is critical. Crucial. You have the right to privacy and autonomy. If the narcissist crosses these boundaries, reinforce them calmly but assertively. Remember, you're not responsible for their reactions. You're only responsible for maintaining your own well being.