5 Ways to spot a narcissist early

Have you ever left a conversation feeling unexpectedly small and questioning your worth even when everything seemed fine on the surface? Where instead of feeling seen, you were left feeling insignificant, ignored or even a little foolish? If you find yourself feeling anxious, full of self doubt, or replaying conversations to try to make sense out of what was said, you might be dealing with a Narcissist I've spent the last two decades researching the connection between self worth and narcissistic relationships, and as a coach, author and someone who's lived these challenges, I know how disorienting these interactions can be. In this video, I'll give you five ways to check the narcissist early personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns and actionable strategies to empower you in everyday life, making sure you're always one step ahead have you ever met someone who seemed overly interested in everything you say, Nodding along, laughing a little too hard at your jokes, or maybe making you feel oddly center stage is like an over charming salesperson who knows just what to say to make you feel special, yet also leaves you with that sticky feeling of being somehow indebted, as if you owe them your time or even a purchase. This is our first way to check the narcissist Early Excessive Charm in the beginning, what you're checking for right away is the intensity and speed of someone's charm. It's that initial wave of attention that feels just a bit too focused and too quick to praise and too eager to create instant connection. This excessive charm can be the groundwork for what's known as love bombing, where this attention escalates into an all out assault of affection designed to overwhelm and quickly secure your emotional attachment. In a grandiose narcissist, this might look like grand declarations of love or compatibility. They might call you their soulmate or bestie, or offer you lavish gifts, future plans or gestures that seem out of place for the stage of the relationship. In a covert narcissist, you'll see an understated charm that mimics genuine care. Generally what you'll see is someone singling you out with overwhelming compliments to fast track intimacy. You'll see excessive flattery on your appearance or your intelligence pushing for a deeper connection too soon. At work, you might see a colleague shower you with constant praise and unsolicited favors, hinting at an ulterior motive. What you're checking for is the use of charm as a tool for influence, not genuine connection. When you're an empathetic person like you and me. We miss these early warning signs because we tend to see the good in everyone. You might think someone's excessive charm is just them being friendly or needing support, and your kindness makes you want to believe that they're genuine, making it hard to spot when someone's actually using charm to control or use you. In my experience, I didn't see this rush of charm in the beginning as a red flag. I didn't see the fast tracking of intimacy as a problem. Before I had a solid sense of self worth and boundaries, I had two modes. I either didn't like you and kept you far away, or I'd swan dive off a hightower into a very shallow and dangerous pool of complete over trusting. I'd forge friendships, relationships and work partnerships within a few days or even a few hours. A lot of us have been hurt because we've moved too quickly and trusted too easily because we are kind and loving people. But I'm interested in your take on this. Your story and experience matters to me and to this community. If you have time today, please share what you've been through and what you've experienced. When it feels like someone's laying on the charm too thick, try the simple charm Check this is when you say something like thanks, why do you say that? This response does two things. It shows appreciation, keeping the interaction positive, but it also puts a potential narcissist on the spot a bit, asking them to reveal the motivation behind their charm. It's polite, but it gets straight to the point. If they give a thoughtful response that keeps you both in the conversation, then their charm might be coming from a genuine kindness or agreeableness. If you're dealing with a narcissist, they might dodge that question. They might give you a very shallow answer or shift the focus to themselves, showing their interest and charm isn't genuine and that you should proceed with caution. Moving on, Imagine being in a conversation where you shared something deeply personal, expecting, understanding, or at least some kind of emotional response, only to be met with indifference or a quick subject change back to their own interests. This lack of empathy is not just hurtful, it's a significant red flag and our second way to check for narcissism early on, what you're checking for right away is not just an occasional lapse in compassion, which can happen to anyone, but a consistent pattern of indifference to your feelings or any situation that doesn't directly benefit them. Narcissists often fail to recognize or validate your emotions because they want their own needs and desires perpetually to take center stage with a grandiose narcissist, this lack of empathy might show up as overshadowing your feelings with their achievements, while with a covert narcissist, you might see them seeking sympathy for their issues while ignoring yours. In day to day interactions, this might look like a friend who never asks how you're doing, a partner who dismisses your feelings as overreactions, or a colleague who is indifferent to your workload or stress levels. When you're an empathetic person, you might miss this because you're focused on caring and connecting. You're not actively looking for manipulation, so you might overlook or excuse their behavior. Your hopefulness and tendency to see the potential for good in others can sometimes lead you to misinterpret or to rationalize away the signs of emotional detachment or self centeredness. And this is exactly what I used to do. I couldn't even wrap my mind around someone who didn't care about someone's feelings. I couldn't even imagine that someone wouldn't have empathy. So I'd project kindness and empathy. At work, with colleagues, on dates, in friendships, with my brother, with my sister, my mom, my dad. And this kept me stuck in so many damaging relationships. My toxic hope and projected empathy kept me bonded to people who were more than willing to use me and hurt me. Checking for this can be really tricky, especially if they are currently using excessive charm or love bombing to try to hook you. The key to discerning whether you see true empathy is to watch for the depth, consistency and context of their response to your emotions and needs. When someone's empathy seems off and you're concerned that you might be dealing with a narcissist, use the immediate empathy test to check their reaction. When you're opening up about something that's been weighing on you, quickly switch the conversation to something trivial. Ask something like do you know what time it is? Or do you know today's date? Pay close attention to how they handle that change. If they're genuinely empathetic, they'll probably show concern or confusion at the sudden shift and possibly try to steer the conversation back to your emotional state to make sure you're okay and that you finished with what you were sharing. A narcissist, even one who's good at performative empathy, might easily switch gears, revealing a lack of genuine emotional engagement. If their reaction seems shallow or too quick to move on, you might say, sorry, I got sidetracked for a moment, but back to what we were talking about. And this gives you a moment to assess their initial response to your emotions more carefully. While this strategy might feel like a test or even manipulative, it's really about empowerment and protection. Narcissists are very good at tricking you with fake kindness, and it's okay to make sure you're not being fooled. This is about keeping yourself and your loved ones safe and making sure that the people closest to you really do care about you. Moving on Imagine you've asked someone not to share photos of you online without your permission. It's a simple request related to your privacy, and yet they continue to post them, disregarding your request. This brings us to the third way to check for narcissism, a fundamental disrespect for personal boundaries, your expressed limits on what is acceptable and what is not in how others treat you. What you're checking for is a pattern of behavior that indicates a disregard for your comfort and autonomy rather than just occasional oversights. Narcissists often go against your preferences, treating them as either obstacles to their own desires or threats to their ability to dominate and control you, or as entirely irrelevant. A grandiose narcissist might openly defy your request, seeing it as a competition they want to win, while a covert narcissist might agree to your face but go against you behind your back. In the real world, this might look something like repeatedly making plans for you without asking, or someone continuing to interrupt your quiet time despite your request for space, or a coworker constantly borrowing your supplies without asking, even after you've expressed that it bothers you. When you're an empathetic person like you and me, we miss these boundary violations because we tend to err on the side of trust others too quickly, hoping for mutual respect and understanding, and we make excuses for the violation, thinking that they are accidents or lapses in judgment, rather than seeing them as deliberate disrespect. Before I understood the concept of boundaries, I always thought that people just crossed them because I was just bad at setting them. Basically, I took their transgressions upon myself and saw the violations as an inadequacy on my part, thinking that if I could just be more clear or more assertive or more direct, then I thought people would finally respect my boundaries. I didn't realize that boundaries aren't really about the other person, they're about defining what works for you, and then it's up to you to hold the boundary. Where I used to ask someone not to call late at night only to be upended if I saw a call come through at 11pm Thinking I must not have been clear enough about why I really need my sleep or why I really need them to not do that anymore. I now say I don't receive calls after 8pm and then I set my phone to do not disturb. And if someone repeatedly calls during those hours, I now see that they're willing to violate my boundaries. And now I understand that they are the problem, not me. To gauge respect for your boundaries in daily interactions, try the request and check method to set a boundary related to your time or space. The first step is to make a request something like I'm booked this weekend, can we meet on Tuesday? Then you check for their response. And when I say response, this isn't about what they say, it's about what they do. Too often we believe the words and forget to check the behavior. Words can lie, but the behavior will always tell the truth. If they respect your need for space by not pressing on your time during that weekend, then their behavior aligns with respecting your boundaries. However, if they attempt to push for plans on the weekend or contact you regardless ignoring your stated request, it clearly shows a disregard for your boundaries through their actions, not through their words. And this doesn't automatically label them a narcissist. You often see unhealthy boundaries in codependency and trauma as well. With narcissism, there will be a consistent pattern of entitlement and manipulation over time, whereas with an empathetic person who's just struggling with boundaries, they might display an excessive eagerness to please or fear of separation, even at the cost of their own boundaries. Moving on have you ever noticed how some people seem to manipulate situations to gain constant attention? This isn't about the natural human need for reassurance or the occasional confidence boost. Our fourth way to check for narcissism is a more calculated behavior, the frequent and strategic need for affirmation. This isn't about a person who genuinely struggles with self doubt, who might ask for feedback or reassurance. It's about people who use their request for affirmation as a tool for manipulation and control. You'll see it in the way they artfully direct every achievement, decision or opinion back to themselves, requiring not just agreement but often admiration. With a grandiose narcissist, you'll see an overt demand for adoration and praise, and they'll see you as a direct threat if you do not play along with their self assumed superiority. In contrast, a covert narcissist manipulates situations more subtly to elicit affirmation in the form of pity, playing the victim or underselling their achievements to fish for compliments while maintaining an aura of false humility. What you'll see is someone who constantly highlights their successes or talents in casual conversation, not to share joy, but to secure your admiration and to validate their ego. Or you might see someone who constantly tells you about their woes wanting pity instead of a solution. When you're empathetic, you might miss this red flag because you naturally want others to feel valued and understood. You like to help and you like to make others feel good. You give compliments and support freely out of genuine kindness, and this innate generosity can blind you to darker intentions and to strategic manipulation for control and narcissistic supply. This is exactly how I used to be and why I always miss these red flags. I naturally wanted people to feel at ease and I was overly focused on others. Instead of checking in with myself to see if I felt uneasy or manipulated, I just had this knee jerk response to people, please. I was also very easily manipulated by guilt tactics. If anyone needed affirmation and then upped the ante with a bit of guilt, I'd bend over backwards to make sure they felt loved and cared for, many times to my own detriment. To assess the frequent need for affirmation and to distinguish it from genuine self esteem or occasional reassurance needs, use the affirmation check method. The first step is to observe the pattern. Pay attention to how often and in what context someone seeks affirmation. Is it a regular part of every interaction, seemingly designed to keep the spotlight on them or to assert their superiority as a hero or a victim? Notice if their need for praise or validation feels controlling or dominating, then intentionally refrain from affirming them. I know this might feel uncomfortable, but this is about your empowerment and it's important to protect yourself. Then watch their reaction. What happens when they don't receive the affirmation they want? Do they start manipulating with exaggerated disappointment or guilt tripping or subtly punishing you for not providing the desired response? This reaction can reveal a lot about their motives. A narcissist might respond with frustration or escalate their attempts for validation, seeing your neutrality as a challenge to their ego. In contrast, someone struggling with self esteem may show appreciation for your engagement. Understanding your neutral response is an opportunity for genuine connection rather than needing constant praise. This method isn't necessarily about what is said, but digs deeper into why it's being said and how they deal with not hearing what they want. It helps differentiate between healthy and manipulative behaviors, providing insights into whether someone's need for affirmation is part of a broader pattern of narcissistic behavior. Moving on have you ever found yourself fading into the background of a conversation, feeling more like an audience member than a participant? This experience, where someone seems to be pulling the threads of dialogue back to themselves, spotlighting their achievements, thoughts and feelings at every turn, flags our fifth way to detect narcissism, the conversation dominator. This isn't just about someone being enthusiastic about sharing their life or having a strong personality. It's a repeated behavior where they fail to show genuine interest in what you say and regularly ask questions about your life, or they might even interrupt you to bring the conversation back to themselves. A grandiose narcissist will often dominate conversations, blatantly boasting about successes or demanding attention, leaving little space for others to contribute, while a covert narcissist might dominate more subtly, playing the victim or humble, bragging to keep the focus on themselves. However, neurodivergent people, people with trauma, and even people with social anxiety can display these same traits of dominating conversations as well. So it's crucial to differentiate narcissistic behavior from those who have no intention of harming us. This really comes down to the intention and the motivation behind the behavior. Neurodivergent people, for example, might have different conversational patterns due to how they process social cues, not out of lack of interest in others and not with the intention of hurting or manipulating others. Similarly, someone with social anxiety might talk about themselves more simply because they're uncomfortable and don't really know what else to talk about. The key distinction lies in the intent and awareness behind the behavior. Narcissists consciously or unconsciously aim to maintain the spotlight, while neurodivergent or socially anxious people do not intend to disregard other people's feelings or monopolize discussions. With a narcissist, you'll see something like a co worker constantly redirecting discussions to highlight their contributions, overshadowing team achievements. Or you might see someone interrupting you to steer the focus onto their personal stories or opinions, often disregarding the initial topic or during one to one conversations, you'll see them monopolize the dialogue by detailing their life's trials or triumphs without showing interest in any of your experiences or feelings. Over time, when you're dealing with a narcissist, you'll see a manipulative pattern. Their need to dominate the conversation isn't just self centered, it's a tactic to control and overshadow undermining the genuine exchange essential for healthy dialogue when you're an empathetic person, you'll miss this because you'll naturally listen and give others the benefit of the doubt. You might interpret excessive talking as enthusiasm or a need to be heard. Your patience and understanding can lead you to excuse dominating behavior as a personality quirk, rather than recognizing it as a deliberate tactic to control conversation and maintain attention on the narcissist. This generosity can often blind you to the manipulation behind this. For me, it came down to two things not wanting to be rude and having very low self worth. I didn't feel comfortable inserting myself when people were talking over me. Combine this with low self worth and I had a lot of trouble feeling like I was worthy of speaking up. And this combination is a cue that attracts narcissists because it's so easy to exploit. It didn't feel like my voice mattered, so I just let people talk over me, talk at me while pleasantly nodding along and making myself a great target for narcissistic supply. To empower yourself in conversations that seem to be taken over by someone else, try the Equal Exchange technique. This method makes sure that your voice is heard and checks to see if the person is willing to engage in a balanced conversation. Start by arming yourself with phrases that can gently bring the conversation back to a more balanced place. Something like that's really interesting. It actually reminds me of can work wonders. Nonverbal cues are also your allies here. A slight lean forward, a raised finger, or an engaged nod can signal that you have something to contribute. If the conversation stays one sided, try being more direct with Can I share my take on this? It's a concise way to invite yourself into the dialogue and to gauge their response to a simple request for equal participation. Now keep in mind that there are several reasons why someone might dominate the conversation. But to check for narcissism, you're looking for the intention of control, domination, and someone manipulating for narcissistic supply. If the person is a narcissist, they will not like even the most gentle attempt to balance the dialogue. They will ignore your cues. They might become triggered with rage, and they also might try to manipulate you to try to regain control of conversation. The Equal Exchange technique is more than just about getting a word in. It's about affirming that your experience and perspectives are valuable. So remember, in healthy interactions, everyone should feel heard and seen. If you consistently find that your efforts to balance the conversation are ignored, proceed with caution. Mastering the Equal Exchange Technique is essential for anyone, especially those of us with high empathy to make sure that we don't lose sight of our own voices. But to really protect yourself, it's best to become a person that repels narcissists in the first place.