Apologies are BS. Here’s why.

Imagine this. It's 1:00am and your neighbor's dog is outside barking. It goes on and on. You call your neighbor and you ask them to bring the dog inside. And your neighbor says, oh, I'm so sorry. Then you go back to sleep. Three weeks later, it's 2:30 in the morning and the dog is outside barking. You call your neighbor. Your neighbor says, oh, I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. You go back to sleep. Two nights later, it's 11:45pm and the dog starts barking. And you get up and you bang on their door. And they say, you guessed it. I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. What do you do in this situation and how do you feel about that neighbor apology? I wanted to understand this because I found myself in this exact situation. And it turns out that there's something really weird going on here with these two little words, I'm sorry. And they actually reveal a bigger problem about how we relate to each other and how often manipulation hides behind social politeness. Before we dig into the problem with apologies, let's define what an apology is supposed to be. An apology is generally an expression of remorse or regret for wrongdoing. It's supposed to signify accountability and responsibility in order to repair a relationship. These three Rs, remorse, responsibility and repair are the key points here. Here's what's so confusing about this. My neighbors were really nice people. Yet no matter how nice they were or how many times they apologized, they kept leaving the door open at night. Which brings us to the first reason apologies can be problematic. They are often used as a currency to merely give the appearance of wanting to repair the relationship without doing the actual work. True apologies should involve the three Rs, remorse, responsibility and repair. In. In Neymar's case, for instance, there was an appearance of remorse, but no responsibility to keep the dog quiet and certainly no actual repair to my disrupted sleep. It's like saying I'm sorry has become this social shortcut, a way to mimic the three R's without actually taking meaningful action. In situations like this, apologies can serve as a get out of jail free card where the focus is not on actual accountability, but on appearing accountable. Okay, so here's another scenario. A few weeks ago, after work, I was heading to a party and I put in a long day. But I was looking forward to seeing my friends. Before I left, I put on this pretty dress and makeup and jewelry and redid my hair. And before I left, I took a look in the mirror and felt pretty good about myself. And at the party, one of the ladies came up to me with all sorts of pity on her face. It's like, are you doing okay? You look really tired. I'm usually pretty resilient, but I was shocked when she said that. I felt foolish for having tried so hard to look pretty that night and my eyes immediately welled up into tears and I walked away hurt and stunned. A week later she texted me she wanted to borrow something of mine and I wrote back. I got my feelings hurt at the party last week and ended up in tears on the way home. I don't think any woman wants to be told she looks tired and it's just not necessary or kind. Her response I'm sorry you took my comment in a negative way. Which brings me to the next reason why apologies are bs. This kind of apology is what is called a non apology. It lacks the necessary elements, remorse, responsibility and repentance. Here it has those two sneaky words, I'm sorry. But this isn't actually coming from remorse. It's coming from anger about their behavior being noticed. It's manipulative, a way to seem like they're making amends without actually having to take responsibility. And by doing this, they fail to repair the relationship. So when you hear phrases like I'm sorry you feel that way or I'm sorry you took it that way, this is a red flag signaling aggression, not compassion. When I look at both of these scenarios, my neighbor's multiple apologies about the barking dog and the friend's non apology, there's something definitely strange going on here. And it comes down to one simple idea. They lied. To put it bluntly, they weren't sorry about their behavior. They were just sorry that I noticed. And this is the main reason I think apologies are bs because when you're an empathetic, compassionate and caring person like me and you, we fall for this too often. We project empathy on others and we imagine that they're kinder and more considerate than they really are. We think, oh, no one wants to wake someone up in the middle of the night. We think, I'm sure she didn't really want to hurt my feelings. And then we make excuses for this type of treatment, justify it and minimize it. And believe me, the first thing I want to do in a situation where I've wronged someone is to say I'm sorry. It's a knee jerk reaction to defuse the situation. It's a way to off gas the tension when something's gone wrong. However, when apologies are used in a way to deflect responsibility, to avoid intimacy, and to damage a relationship rather than to repair it. There's a darker truth you need to consider. Sometimes people aren't actually sorry. So where does that leave us? Well, this is what I want you to consider. Let's go back to the barking dog, but this time, imagine you called your neighbor and she says nothing and just hangs up on you. And then you call again and she just hangs up and then again hangs up. Would you see this issue differently if someone doesn't just at least pretend politeness? And would that lead you to a different outcome? For me, it definitely would, because the actions and the words would be congruent and therefore I'd take action based on a different understanding of my relationship with that neighbor. Or what is. After I explained that I got my feelings hurt, the lady just texted back, well, that's your fault. Would that change the situation for you? Would it lead you to a different outcome? If so, I really want you to think about how often you let people off the hook because they say those two little magical words, I'm sorry. I also want you to think about what you'd do if you couldn't say those words to someone. If your dog woke someone up in the middle of the night and you couldn't apologize, what would you do instead? If your friend got her feelings hurt and you didn't say those magic I'm sorry words, how else would you make amends? If you're like me, you'd be really uncomfortable and you might feel anxious or ashamed or sad. The point is that when you don't engage in that knee jerk apology thing, you feel the weight of the emotional burden. And this will compel you to deal with the issue at hand. I'm guessing you change your behavior, you take action, and you do whatever was necessary to repair the relationship. And that's exactly what you should do. Because then the truth of the apology is always in the behavior, not in the words. So the next time you hear those magic words, I'm sorry, ask yourself, are these just words or are they backed up with actions? Is this a form of emotional manipulation or is this genuine regret? A lot of this is going to come down to how skilled you are at discerning the difference between real and fake emotions. For three tricks to help you know the difference, watch this next.