Codependency & Emotional Vampires: The Power of Setting Boundaries

If you struggle with self esteem, think you might be giving too much to others, and wonder whether or not boundaries will help you, the answer is yes. Here's the hidden truth behind these issues and the biggest threats you need to avoid. First, let's talk about self worth. Self worth is not other worth. It has the word self in it. It's about you. You build self worth by valuing your self. Self worth is built on a foundation of healthy boundaries because it's built on the idea of honoring and caring for yourself. Having boundaries means you clearly define what will be sustainable for you so that your resources don't get depleted. Self worth is built by investing in self and broadening self and becoming a whole self. The opposite, becoming selfless, becoming worthless and low self esteem, low confidence. That means you've lost a sense of self. And the more you lose yourself, the more susceptible you are to allowing someone else to take up that empty space left behind. So first, let's look at codependency, a chronic and devastating loss of self. When you're not able to answer clearly who you are, what you want, what you desire for yourself, but you're very capable of answering for someone else. It leaves you vulnerable to allowing someone else to answer those things for you. This exposes you to having someone else determine your identity, your desire, your needs, what you're capable of. And it causes an incredibly painful, dysfunctional dynamic and makes healthy relationships impossible. This loss of selfhood leads to a bunch of compulsive actions and behaviors and a painful dependence on the approval of others. When you lose that core sense of selfhood, you begin to search elsewhere for meaning, approval and identity. Instead of seeing yourself as a whole, separate, contained self, you begin to look towards external cues to try to define yourself. While there's no specific diagnosis for codependency, there are a few warning signs that you might want to look for. Trouble articulating and sharing your feelings and beliefs. An insatiable need to be liked or appreciated. An exaggerated sense of responsibility. Feeling guilty for asserting yourself. Trouble with intimacy and boundaries. Chronically prioritizing others over yourself. A deep seated lack of self worth. All of these symptoms point to one underlying problem. That you've lost your sense of self and and someone else is taking up that space. Now. We can't talk about codependency without mentioning who this type of behavior attracts. Emotional vampires. Emotional vampires are not exclusively bad people. And they don't always have malevolent intentions. Of course, they can be abusive and vindictive and terrible to deal with some might even be straight up psychopaths or sociopaths or have some kind of personality disorder. However, a large percentage of them are just highly insecure people that are attempting to get love in unhealthy and immature ways. So it's actually more helpful just to consider yourself and how you feel when you're interacting with someone. Here are some of the warning signs to look for. Their feelings, needs and desires seem more important than yours. You feel guilty for not being or doing what they want. You don't feel like you have permission to have privacy or boundaries. You don't feel safe showing vulnerability. Why it might seem like codependents are going to be the prey of emotional vampires that neglects a core truth that both lack a healthy and stable sense of self. Neither emotional vampires nor codependents actually know who they are, what they feel, what they need, what they want. They've lost themselves and both put an exaggerated importance on the opinion of others. Codependents and emotional vampires share the same goal. They both rely excessively on others to define their identity and to help them feel loved and important. Both are unconsciously trying to boost their sense of self worth by using another person. However, they have different strategies to try to get to that goal. A codependent gives away their attention, their sense of self to try to get love, appreciation and acceptance, while an emotional vampire takes someone else's attention, appreciation, and love to boost their sense of self. When you're not able to articulate your feelings, advocate for your own needs, share your true desires, or communicate clear boundaries, you inevitably end up where there's no self to give. The good news is that to build self worth, there is a way out of this one that fortifies you against this dysfunctional dynamic and also prevents these kind of people from being attracted to you. And it's called boundaries. Boundaries are not about the other person. Boundaries are about you. When you have healthy boundaries, you're able to show up as your whole self. You're able to experience true intimacy with others, and you're able to experience a sense of freedom in your relationships. When you have unhealthy boundaries, you feel stuck, helpless, overwhelmed, and resentful. You might not need to change every relationship in your life, however, you need better boundaries. In any relationship that has any of these following symptoms, you often feel frustrated or angry after interactions with this person. You feel like you're walking on eggshells around this person. You feel like you're going to be outcast or unloved if you're not doing what this person wants you often feel exhausted after engaging with this person. You feel responsible for the person's feelings, thoughts or actions. Or you have a difficult time finding your center when you're around this person. The definition of a boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area. It's both a line of containment keeping you on on one side, and a line of protection keeping others on the other side. Think about it like drawing a circle around you where you keep yourself inside the circle, and that's called containment. And you keep others out of your circle, and that's protection. Inside the circle is your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual space. That's where others are not protected, supposed to come in. This is the space where you live. It's the space that you occupy. It includes all the aspects of self that you love, that you cherish, that you're trying to build. This circle is where self worth is built and no one else actually belongs in that circle. Boundaries are rules. Clear communication about what works for you. When you're clear with your boundaries, no one is guessing about where that circle around you is. If you think you might be dealing with codependency or emotional vampires and you want to build your self worth and, and you know you need better boundaries, here's what you do. One, get clear on your role. Self worth is not other worth. Self worth is about self. You build self worth by reinforcing your own value. Two, reclaim your whole self. The more you lose yourself, the more susceptible you are to having someone else take up that empty space. Three, anger wants to protect. So notice where you're irritated or frustrated or you have that little agitation of anger. That's the clue that a boundary needs to be set. Four, get clear on what boundary needs to be set, what needs to be protected, what needs to be kept in about you and what needs to be kept out about others. And five, take action to honor your boundary. Boundaries are about you. They're about behavior that you have have to implement. So you take an action that honors. This is the line around me. I'm even stepping back from this line or you're in my circle, I'm going to step back. So you take action to contain anything within your line and to protect anything from coming into your circle. Boundaries are a big topic and I have several videos planned, but I'd love to hear from you. Do you have a specific boundary question? Please let me know in the comments and I'd love to make a video to answer you.