Embracing Boundaries: How Saying "No" Can Empower You

If you struggle with feeling guilty or selfish every time you try to set a boundary, if you have a difficult time saying no, and if you're feeling overworked, underappreciated and overwhelmed, here's how to take back your life. First, I need to tell you that self worth is never built by doing something you don't want to do. To build self worth, you actually have to keep more value than you give away. Where financial worth is about keeping more money than you spend, like you save more than you spend, self worth is built in the same way, but we're collecting more self and keeping more self than we spend. This idea of self, it can be earned, it can be spent, it can be invested, it can be used as a type of currency, and its value is determined by supply and demand. To raise your self worth, you have to claim, own and possess more of yourself, which means that you can never build self worth by giving yourself away. The next thing you need to think about is can you afford to say yes? And what I mean by this is, what will this yes cost you in finances, energy, health, time? Do you have an excess or an overflow of these resources that you can give? From when I say that, what I mean is you have to have extra after you've already cared for yourself. So do you have extra time on top of what you need? Do you have extra energy on top of what you need? Do you have extra money on top of what you need? So excess resources is where you say maybe, or that's the possible yes. If not, you can't afford to spend your resources. Now that doesn't mean just because you can't afford it that you won't do it. Of course we all do things that we can't afford to do. We all say yes when we probably can't afford to say yes. But the, the deal is that when you do that, I want you to do that consciously so that you know that you're putting yourself into some sort of debt. Like, I'll say yes to something that I can't really afford to say yes to. And on the back end I know that I have to make up for that. So say, I don't really have the time to do this, but of course I will do this because it's like somebody I love and, and I really want to help them. However, on the back end it's like, well, I didn't really have that time, so I actually have to take more time for myself to fill that resource back up. And then you also have to Be really real about this with yourself. Are you saying yes because you're trying to, you know, keep this ideal image of yourself out there in the world? Are you saying yes because you're secretly manipulating this friendship or whatever and you want them to like you or something like that? So if, if you're doing that, just be honest with yourself and you can still do that if you want to, but you might not. Especially if you're using this word selfish against yourself. Like actually doing it might be self serving. Actually doing this might be my little secret agenda to make them like me or to make myself seem a certain way. If you can't afford to say yes and you decide to do it anyway, just make sure that you like your intentions and you like the motivation behind it. Next, I want you to ask yourself, what do I want? We are so in the habit of just reacting to whatever people ask. You know, we don't even check in with ourselves. It's just like so and so needs this and you don't even look at do I want to? I mean, maybe you do. Maybe you actually do want to and you don't even realize it. Maybe you don't and you won't allow yourself to know that. So I not only want you to know that, do you want to, but I want you to know why you want to. Do you want to do the thing? Do you want to say yes? Do you want to say no? Do you not want to do the thing? All of these things are really important for you to know. And this step is hard because it's so much easier to just react and do and not have to check in with yourself. It's so much easier to just be the kind person that shows up and saves the day. And then even if you're exhausted in the night and you're feeling resentful or whatever, it's like, well, at least I didn't have to face that selfish part of me that just wanted to stay home and say no. So this part is hard. It's about getting to know yourself. It's also about showing up more real in your relationships. And self worth is really about reinforcing that you are worth your time, attention and energy. So you can't just spend it all on other people without really investing it back in yourself. So first, just check in with yourself. Do I want to do this? Yes. No. Do I like my reasons? Yes. No. The fourth step is to name the emotion on both sides of the equation. So what I mean by that is, if I say no, what terrible feeling am I going to have to confront this feeling that I'm selfish, this feeling that I'm mean, this feeling that I'm ungrateful? What is this feeling that I might have to confront in myself? And if I say yes, what feeling might I need to confront? Maybe I'll be resentful. Maybe I'll be angry. Maybe I'll be irritated. Maybe I'll be tired. Maybe I'll be exhausted. So both sides of these equations have a yes and a no. And both sides have a not so great feeling maybe attached to it. So instead of just unconsciously reacting, I want you to be consciously deciding if both sides have maybe something not so great attached to them. If both sides have something maybe good attached to them. I want you to consciously choose which way to go. The fifth step is to say the words. Boundaries are simply clear communication about what's true for you. They help others understand you and know how to work with you. So, key word here is true. You have to start with something true. This means don't lie. This means don't tell stories. Don't make up false excuses. Don't say you're busy if you're not. And I'd urge you to keep your answers as short as possible. I've talked about this true kind necessary. This comes in key for boundaries. When you say something true, don't lie, don't exaggerate, don't justify. Say something kind of that means, you know, be polite, don't manipulate, and don't try to get them to agree with you. And don't try to get them to kind of buy your excuse or let you off the hook. That is all the things we want to do, especially when boundaries are new to us. It's like I want to say no, but I want you to still like me. Sometimes you don't get that choice. Eventually, you'll be surrounded with people who do honor your boundaries and do honor what's good for you. And do honor when you tell the truth. So remember, honesty is kindness. Clarity is kindness. Speaking back, giving a clear answer, that's kind. And then you say what's necessary. This is the hardest part for me, I think, because I want to explain myself. Oh, man. First, I want to lie. I want to say I'm busy if I'm not. Second, I might want to, you know, make sure that they're seeing me in a certain way, which is unkind. And then third, I want to give a lot more detail so that they just really understand that I. I had to say no. So this is like boundaries 101. You gotta start with what's true, keep it short, what's kind, keep it polite and not manipulative. And then third, what's necessary. No justification, no excuses, no reasons. And try to contain your answer in a sentence or two. And just know they don't have to agree with you, they don't have to like it, they don't have to say, great idea, say no to me. You know, it's okay. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to say what's clearly true for you and what works for you. So if it's an all in yes, meaning you can afford to say yes and you want to say yes, then you just say yes. If it's a half yes, like either you go into some sort of debt with your resources or you don't really want to say yes, but you're going to, then say yes with limits. Say something like, I'd love to help you. I'm available Saturday from 2 to 4, so you put a limit on it. You say yes with a limit if it's a no, either because you can't afford to say yes or because you actually don't want to say yes. The best phrase is no, thank you. You could also say something like, that doesn't work for me, or that doesn't feel good to me, that doesn't work with my schedule, or that's not my priority right now. So to recap, if you have a hard time saying no and you often feel guilty or selfish when you're trying to set boundaries, here are the five steps to help empower you so that you can take back your life. Number one, self worth is never built by giving yourself away or doing something you don't want to do. Number two, can you afford to say yes? Try to only give what you can honestly afford. Going into emotional, financial or energetic debt is not a virtue. Number three, ask yourself, what do I want? Keep yourself in the conversation rather than just unconsciously reacting to others. Number four, name both sides of the emotional equation. That means if I say no, I might feel and if I say yes, I might feel. Neutralize both sides so that you're consciously choosing rather than unconsciously reacting. And then number five, say the words, keep it true, keep it kind, keep it necessary. Say yes or say yes with limits or say no, thank you.