Gaslighting Exposed: A Narcsissist's Secret Weapon

Have you ever felt confused walking away from a conversation like you're not sure what just happened? Maybe you started doubting yourself or wishing that the conversation had been recorded so you could double check yourself. Maybe you've been wondering if you're going crazy or forgetting things or just not very smart. If you've ever felt like this, there's a good chance you were being gaslit. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you doubt your own sanity. I'm going to talk about what gaslighting is, how it works, and how it can impact your self esteem. I'll also share some tips on how to protect yourself from gaslighting and how to recover your self esteem if you've been on the receiving end of this form of abuse. Hey there, I'm Meadow Devore, providing you with tools and insights to navigate life's challenges and to improve your self worth. So why do they call it gaslighting? The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gaslight, which was turned into a film of the same name in 1944. The story shows the progression of a woman who is slowly losing her grip on reality due to her husband's manipulation. He chips away at her over time, hiding things, lying to her, telling her she's sick or weak or tired. By the end, she's watching the gas lights in the house dim at night and she believes him when he tells her they're not dimming. Instead of trusting herself, she believes she's gone totally mad. The story is chilling and frighteningly relatable. And almost a century later, we still use this term gaslight to mean deliberately and systematically destabilizing someone to make them doubt their thoughts, feelings and sense of reality. How does gaslighting work? Gaslighting is related to something we all participate in, at least against ourselves. So when someone asks, can I gaslight myself? The answer is yes, sort of. So let's first look at how your own internal pattern works. When your mind wants to keep unwanted information hidden from your consciousness, it employs what's called defense mechanisms. Basically, it's a way to defend yourself against internal pain. Defense mechanisms are normal and they're natural part of psychological development. They are unconscious lies that you tell yourself to help mask what you you don't want to see, feel or believe. They basically obscure the truth by saying this isn't happening or whatever's happening isn't that bad. Gaslighting is when someone else tells you lies to help mask what they don't want to see, feel or believe. It's when someone else uses a defense mechanism against you, distorting reality by giving you some version of this isn't happening or what's happening isn't that bad. If you'd like to learn more about defense mechanisms and how they relate to self worth, I cover this in my book the Worthy Mind. It's available for free on Audible and I linked it in the description. Moving on, let's talk about what gaslighting actually looks like. The classic example is denial. If you're in denial, that's when you refuse to accept reality or facts. It's when external events or circumstances are blocked from your conscious mind so that you don't have to deal with the emotional impact. For example, your friend might be in denial about her marriage even though she's found illicit texts on her husband's phone. That's an unconscious lie she's telling herself to help mask the pain of the reality, an immature internal defense mechanism. Even though this type of defense mechanism helps her avoid pain in the short term, it causes enormous pain in the long term. Eventually your friend will have to face the facts of her marriage or she will continue to suffer. Now, when a narcissist or abuser uses denial as a way to gaslight you, they are using the same strategy, an immature defense mechanism, but they are using it as a weapon against you. They are refusing to accept reality or facts and trying to block your conscious mind from accepting reality so that they don't have to deal with the impact. They are using you to avoid pain in the short term and completely willing to have you experience the pain in the long term. They would rather you suffer the impact rather than having to fess up to the truth. For example, if you found illicit texts on your husband's phone and he tells you you never saw that, that didn't happen, you're being too sensitive or you're exaggerating any tactic or strategy that is meant to distort, deny or dismiss reality to help the abuser avoid what they don't want to see, feel or believe is gaslighting. Gaslighting is the signature tool of a narcissist because a fragile shell of a reality where everything has to mirror back their own adoration, admiration and self importance. Since they live in a distorted reality, to them you only exist within this distorted reality. You're just an inconvenience that's threatening the fantasy. And this is why they gaslight you. Because without your participation in that fantasy, they will lose what supply you give to them. It's good to know that even though this is an immature way of manipulating someone, these people are not stupid. They're not going to abuse you all the time. They will do it intermittently. They'll be nice to you for as long as they need to to ensure you're going to stay. But as soon as you begin to threaten the fantasy, they'll dim those gaslights and say you're seeing things. Here are a couple of examples of what gaslighting sounds like. They will tell you, stop being so sensitive. What they really mean is you're not in charge of what you feel I am. They will tell you that never happened. And what they really mean is I can't allow you to know that happened because then you won't keep feeding me the supply I need. It will tell you you're being crazy. And what they really mean is I'm being crazy and I'm afraid you're going to find out. They will tell you you're overreacting because the only appropriate reaction in their fantasy is for you to continue admiring them. So what they really mean is any reaction that is your own cannot be tolerated. They will tell you I was just joking and what they really mean is your pain is a joke to me. They will tell you if you loved me. Fill in the blank. What they really mean is if you loved me, you'd let me abuse you without complaining. They will tell you if you were just better in some way, smarter, pretty or more successful, I wouldn't have to do this. Gaslighting across the board is terrible for your self esteem, but this one really hits where it hurts. And it's meant to. The gaslighter wants to you to believe that you are inadequate. They want you to be in pain. They want to control you. They want to make sure that you can't threaten their little shell of a reality. And this isn't the only way it impacts your self esteem. While defense mechanisms are necessary and useful in coping with the inevitable pain that goes with being human, when too deeply entrenched, they can keep you from accessing important aspects of reality that you ultimately need to face. Gaslighting is even worse because it's an external force that exponentially exacerbates these problems. When your opinions, needs, wants are constantly put down, denied and ridiculed by another person, you begin to forget who you are. And over time you lose touch with what you need for effective relationships and for strengthening your own sense of self worth. When someone repeatedly disregards, lies about or distorts the awareness of your own experience Your feelings, your needs, your desires, your. You're not only at risk for losing your sense of reality, but your actual experience of self is at risk. They'll find subtle ways to put you down. And if you already struggle with self esteem, you won't even notice because they're just reinforcing what you already believe about yourself. They'll go right to the core of your deepest, darkest beliefs about yourself. They'll use your insecurities to make you feel like you're dependent on them. And if you do react, you're often told that you're being hypersensitive, exaggerating, or being neurotic. What does gaslighting feel like? For gaslighting to work, you actually won't be aware of it, but there will be signs when you're being gaslit. You'll feel confused, your mind will spin. It'll feel like you're underwater or maybe in outer space. You'll be unbalanced, ungrounded, and you'll feel like maybe something's wrong, but you won't be able to put your finger on it. You might feel slightly inebriated or high, like you can't concentrate or think clearly. Your mind is foggy and numb. You might feel dizzy or nauseous. You might dissociate or retreat into your inner mind, and you'll lose touch with the physical reality around you and instead focus on the confusing mental acrobatics trying to make sense of what's happening. It kind of feels like you're in the Matrix or in the Upside down. And it might even feel euphoric. Because when you stop fighting to stay in reality and instead follow them down into that fantasy, succumbing to the gaslighting can feel, weirdly like relief. Which brings us to how to protect yourself against gaslighting. Gaslighting depends on your participation. This doesn't mean it's your fault or that you're causing it. It means that it's a dual fantasy and it requires you to engage with it even though your participation is unconscious. So the first thing that you need to do is get clear on your part. If you think you're being gaslit, ask yourself, why might I be participating in this? What truth am I trying to avoid, and why? Your next protection is to stay grounded in reality. You do this by focusing on physical senses, what you see, hear, taste, touch, rather than focusing on what you think or remember. Do not try to bring the gaslighter over to reality with you. Narcissism and gaslighting is based on dual fantasy, not on dual reality. Do not try to explain, convince, show proof. Have the recordings show the photos that is a dead end and they will flip it on you and gaslight you more. So save yourself and don't try to save them. Start telling yourself the truth. The more you lie to yourself, the easier it will be for you to be gaslit. The more you're able to accept and adapt to reality, the better you'll be able to withstand gaslighting and to be able to recover from the emotional abuse. Sometimes you might not know the truth, especially if you've been gaslit for a long time. In this case, you need to reach out to a friend, a loved one, a professional to walk you through what's true and to show you how to effectively distance yourself from threatening feelings without distorting reality. Never isolate yourself from people you trust. You need other people to help you break that pattern.