How Covert Narcissists Manipulate: True Story

One of the worst things that you can find out is that you were being manipulated without even realizing it. And I'm about to tell you a cringe worthy story about the last vacation we took as a family before I filed for divorce. The four manipulation tactics that my ex used that seems so obvious to me now that I know better, and what I'd do differently today to stop a covert narcissist in his trap. In my personal life, it was a lot easier for me to spot the grandiose narcissist, but the COVID narcissists were the ones that kept sneaking in the back door. What really stood out in my interactions with the COVID narcissist was this overwhelming feeling of guilt mixed with this sense of heavy obligation. I felt that all the time, like I could never do enough, be enough, like I was always disappointing them, like I should try harder to give them more. And that's exactly how I felt. On that trip to Hawaii, my ex husband said he didn't want to fly with us because it was so hard to travel with a little kid. I love traveling with her. She was fun. And I was happy to book separately because honestly I was happier when I wasn't with him. It wasn't until he had already left to go home at the end of the week when I was checking out of the hotel where I realized he had left his luggage. So now not only did I have my own luggage, the luggage of a little girl, and all the things to keep her happy on a plane, but now I had his luggage as well. So I need to pause here and explain what was going on. For me, there were four main manipulation tactics that I didn't understand or recognize. So before I tell you the even more mind blowing thing that happened once we got home, let me first walk you through what I'd wish I had understood then. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser deliberately manipulates facts, information or your memories to make you doubt your own perceptions. In a relationship with a covert narcissist, gaslighting often manifests subtly. They may deny saying something or doing something, trivialize your feelings or shift the blame onto you, all with the aim of eroding your self trust and making you more reliant on their version of reality. In this scenario, the gaslighting was him telling me throughout the vacation that he had never asked to be on a separate plane. He repeatedly told me that I'd booked a vacation without inviting him. Stonewalling. This is a refusal to communicate or to engage with Someone, particularly in discussions that require emotional involvement. In the context of a relationship with a covert narcissist, stonewalling serves as a manipulative tactic to avoid accountability and to maintain control. By shutting down communication, the COVID narcissist leaves you feeling isolated while avoiding any responsibility for their own actions or behaviors. I wish I would have seen this one, because this was his go to manipulation tactic. For years. When I asked why he didn't want to fly with us, he'd just clench his jaw and say nothing. He'd act like I wasn't saying words. And then when I tried to pressure him to give me an answer and finally confronted him, asking if it even occurred to him that I might need help navigating the trip with the child, he didn't even blink. He was callous and cold and just responded with a flat no toxic guilt. In a relationship with a covert narcissist, you may often find yourself feeling selfish or guil for expressing your own needs and boundaries. This is a calculated tactic. The narcissist twists conversations to make it seem like your reasonable requests are actually impositions, selfish demands, or evidence that you don't care about them. The end result is that you're left questioning your own motives and feeling guilty for wanting basic respect and understanding. It didn't even occur to me that I could just leave his luggage behind. I would have been crushed with guilt if I'd even thought that way. So I did. The next thing, I just took his stuff to the airport. I paid the extra luggage fee and continued home. But before I tell you the really crazy thing that happened, you have to understand one more manipulation tactic, and that is that covert narcissists are masters at playing the victim. This is a tactic where the COVID narcissist manipulates situations to appear as if they are the injured party, regardless of the reality. This serves to divert attention away from their own abusive, manipulative behavior, making it difficult to hold them accountable. In essence, they twist narratives to paint themselves as the mistreated or misunderstood hero, thereby elicit sympathy and making it harder for you to challenge or confront them. So here's where it gets unbelievable. We landed in the middle of the night, and I'm schlepping my luggage, his luggage, her toys, the backpack, a little sleeping girl, only to go out to the parking lot and realize my car wasn't there. I put everything down, I searched for my keys, and I found nothing. And then it dawned on me. He not only left me to deal with his luggage, he'd taken my keys from my purse before he even left. And upon his arrival, he took my car with the child seat and. And drove himself home. I was furious. Yes, furious. But I was also tired, and I called for a taxi. And over the next few days, his explanation was that he knew he'd be tired when he arrived. So what was he supposed to do? He was the one that was left out of the vacation. I'd been thoughtless not to provide him a way home. Was I really that callous that I'd want him to just wait at the airport until the middle of the night? Always the victim, always using my empathy as a weapon. Always making me feel crazy, insignificant, and selfish. Once you know better, you do better. So what would I do now? I wouldn't enable his dependency by booking him separately or by paying for the trip. That's the first line of protection. I definitely would not touch his luggage. He was a grown man, and it wasn't my job to Sherpa his stuff. And then once I realized he'd taken the keys in the car, I'd now take a taxi to a hotel. I would not go home again, because now I clearly see the manipulation, and that would empower me to protect myself and my daughter against this type of abuse.