How to Find Peace and Self-Worth During Holidays With the In-laws!

Hey there. This is Meadow Devore, author of the Worthy Project. And I teach tools to help you build self worth. I don't know if there's a better way to get that voice in your head going than to have some sort of family gathering or some sort of in law encounter or some sort of holiday in your future. So I wanted to talk today about the voice in your head and how this plays out and how this can make you feel really, really worthless quickly. So when I'm talking about the voice in your head, I'm referring to the intangible world of your mind. Thoughts, the ideas, the perceptions, the beliefs. The worthless voice narrates and repeats your worthless stories. It's the voice inside your head that sounds critical or judgmental, envious, could be full of rage. This voice often mimics people like for me, it's the voice of my mother, even though she's been gone for decades. It can do a really good impersonation of my ex husband. It can do a great impersonation of, you know, teachers from high school. It can grab pieces of past conversations and just like embed them in my head. So it's like that stupid Katy Perry song that you can't get out of your head. It's like that. You just hear it and hear it and hear it in your head. So even though this voice might sound like your own voice, you might actually hear something that sounds like you. This voice is merely an aspect of your mind and it functions like a software system. It's running strategies and it's not personal. The voice isn't against you. It's not trying to hurt your feelings and it's not trying to sabotage you. It's just merely an aspect of your mind trying to make the world around you behave. So in the worthy project, I talk about, you know, this voice being kind of like a car alarm and you have to learn how to deal with it. Like a car alarm. So impending dangers are very old part of your brain. Your brain is looking for danger, looking for like threats, looking for the bad guys that are against you, right? And that's kind of what a car alarm is for too. It's supposed to be something that alerts everybody to like somebody's trying to break into a car. It's like woo, woo, you know, that kind of a thing. But when the voice in your head gets out of control, it's like that car alarm that never turns off. And then eventually it doesn't really signal danger anymore. It's just an annoying thing that you have to Deal with. So the good news is that just like a car alarm, this voice evolved to keep you alert and safe. And it does a very good job when the threat is real. The bad news is that just like a car alarm, most of the time there's no real threat. And until you shut it down, it will keep on blaring for no good reason. So the work here is to train yourself not to react to the voice in your head and to see it more like that annoying car alarm is in the middle of the night. So back to the in laws, back to the holidays, back to some sort of gathering that you might have to go to where you feel not so great. Well, the good news is I just had a great example of this. And it really, I have to say, like, it's. This kind of thing isn't so much about the people involved. It's really about the pattern that you've been given or your habits. So I have a long, long history of weird baggage around family gatherings. It goes back to childhood. It goes back to the way I was raised. It goes back to, you know, not really feeling like one of the family members and always kind of feeling like an outsider. So, of course, I take that baggage with me into my new family and into almost every kind of family gathering thing that I go to. So I hear the story in my head. I don't belong, they won't like me. I don't want to go. And it's this feeling of being exposed or feeling vulnerable or feeling unprotected. Like, I love my little family unit. I really love my family unit. And it makes me feel so comfortable and it makes me feel so safe, and I love my family. However, when there's like, extra people that I don't super know really well, or they're not exactly the people that I was raised with, or I don't know really who they are, I might forget their names. Then all these faulty car alarm voices kick in. Now, before worthy work, what this looked like was usually I just try harder to be my ideal self. So I get all focused on, am I pretty enough? Is this the right outfit? Is my hair good? You know, am I impressing people? Am I looking put together enough? You know, when I was a young mom, I'd make sure, you know, the outfit is just right for her, and the outfit's just right for me. And a lot of time and effort went into that. Now I realize early on, usually like a day or two before, like, I'm feeling insecure or I'm feeling not so great. And. And then I just have to kind of tell myself, this is normal. This is normal for me. I typically react to these kind of situations by feeling insecure. I typically feel vulnerable. I typically start running all kinds of car alarm stories in my head. So whether you're conscious of it or not, the voice in your head affects what you do, when you do it, and how you do it. So self worth and building self worth really means that you have to be differently from someone who has the negative stories, so you have to have a better story. So I just wanted to share a couple quick tips about what this looks like now. By bringing your attention away from that worthless voice, away from that, like, car alarm in your head, and focusing on your true self, you can interrupt the pattern and create some space for a quieter, worthy voice to be heard. Now, the worthy voice is never going to sound like a car alarm. It's actually pretty difficult to access, and you have to be pretty grounded to kind of hear it. It's going to sound something like what you'd say to a small child, or it's going to be kind. It's going to be true. So to change the story from worthless to worthy, first of all, you have to remember you're not the voice in your head. You're the one listening to it. So just that little step while I was getting ready to go to this gathering helps me. Okay, I'm just hearing an old voice. I know what to do here. I can do this. So right now I want you to think about a situation where you often feel not enough ashamed or unworthy. We'll just do it here about some sort of family gathering or holiday thing, because we're going to keep it on topic just so you can come back to this. Now imagine the story that plays in your head during this time situation. What worthless message, what worthless message does your mind offer up? So for me, it's like, I don't belong. They don't like me. I don't want to go. I feel vulnerable. I'll never measure up those kind of things. Now imagine that you could set a boundary with that story. So instead of believing the story or allowing it to influence you or your emotions or your behavior, just take a moment to intentionally put that message into the faulty car alarm category. Even though the message might be difficult to ignore, just see if you can remove your internal reaction from the mental noise. So I don't need to change these ideas. I don't belong, they don't like me. I don't want to go I feel vulnerable. All I have to do is see that, like the alarm system. Like, oh, this is my mind feeling afraid. This is my mind putting me on high alert for danger. And this is just what it does. I don't have to react to it. This doesn't have to tank my self worth. This doesn't have to influence how I even behave. All I have to do is put it in the category of this faulty car alarm. So you redirect yourself by asking, what's one true thing? I covered this in a different episode, but this is so powerful. What is one true thing? What is the truest thing I know? And try to tap into that deeper wisdom. So when I did this just a few days ago, what's one true thing? It's a beautiful day. It really was, you guys. It was like the first blue sky day in months here in California. So that was one true thing. What's another true thing? I want to feel better. That was true. I wasn't feeling great before. I was feeling pretty teary. I was missing my daughter a lot. It was like just one of these new experiences where I'm getting used to having her as an adult and out in the world and me feeling a little bit fragile, like I don't have my protective little family unit with me. So that was true. Even though it sounds negative, it still works because it was true. True. I'm feeling teary. I miss my daughter. I love her. All of those things were true. And oh my gosh, it sets you right out of the car alarm situation into being grounded in real life. So I'm going to give you those steps again. Think of a situation where you often feel not good enough, ashamed, or unworthy. Number two, imagine the story that plays in your head during this situation. What worthless message does your mind offer up? 3. Now set a boundary with the story. Instead of believing the story or allowing it to influence your emotions or your behavior, take a moment to intentionally put that message in the faulty alarm category, even though the message might be difficult to ignore. See if you can remove your internal reaction from that mental noise. And then four, remember, redirect yourself. Ask yourself, what is one true thing? What is the truest thing I know? And then tap into a deeper and wiser part of your consciousness by bringing your attention to the truth. That is how you move any situation out of the voice in your head that's directing you towards this worthless message back to worthiness. Okay, let me know how it goes. Thanks for listening, you guys. If you find this helpful, please share with your friends. And if you'd like to know more about me, my courses, my books, or about privately coaching with me, please go to my website, meadowdivore. Com.