If They Do This… They’re a Narcissist

Have you ever wondered if there's a quick and reliable way to check if someone's a narcissist? Whether it's a boss, a co worker, someone you've just met, or someone you've cared about for years, when you're dealing with a narcissist, the goal is to spot them early and repel them fast. That one move can save you years of stress, manipulation and emotional abuse. If you're empathetic, giving and care deeply about people, this test is crucial because you're exactly the kind of person they're looking for. A spent the last 20 years researching the connection between self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who's lived it, I know how much damage they can do. In this video, I'll share a simple behavioral test you can use anytime, anywhere, plus real life examples and strategies to protect yourself in any situation. So let's start with what drives their behavior. Narcissists don't show up with a warning label. They show up with charm or confidence, or with a crisis that pulls you in. Imagine you're at a dinner party, a work event, or a family function. You might be looking for connection, hoping to feel seen or safe or included. You might feel a little unsure of yourself or drawn to the person who seems easygoing and magnetic. Now flip the lens. The narcissist isn't looking for any of that. They're on the hunt. They walk into that same room, scanning the crowd with one thing on their mind. Who will give me what I want and how quickly can I get it? What they want is narcissistic supply. Your time, your attention, your energy. That supply props up their ego and feeds the fantasy of who they believe they are. It can come as praise, pity, emotional reactions, or power over someone else. And they can't survive without it. Narcissists are like sharks. They have to keep moving, keep scanning, keep fishing. If they stop, if they don't find a target, they start to collapse from the inside out. So every room is a new opportunity. Every person is a potential source. They're not resting. They're not connecting. They're watching for openings, small signs that you'll hand over your time, your attention, or your energy. And they'll find out fast by pressing on one of three specific boundaries. Because to them, these aren't yours. They're resources. And you're just the delivery system. For our purposes here. Let's think of boundaries in a super, super, super simple way. A boundary is something that you can draw a Line around something that you own, like a fence around your yard. Inside the fence is yours, and outside the fence is not yours. By the way, if you want help assessing the level of risk you're dealing with, I've created a free narcissist protection checklist. And it's quick and powerful, and it's in the description below. A narcissist is always checking to see if they can press a button and make you change your behavior. To test your time boundaries, they'll wait until you set a small one. Like you say you're heading out or you're going to bed early or you've gotten time off next week. Then they press. Maybe with guilt, maybe with excuses, maybe with passive aggression. And they watch. They're not testing what you say, they're testing what you do. If you shift your schedule, delay your exit, or give in to the guilt, they learn something. That you're someone whose time can be taken to see if they can take your attention. The process is kind of the same. They push buttons to capture your focus. The setup is simple. You're already focused on something else, like you're in a conversation or a meeting, watching something, reading, thinking. And that's when they strike. They might try to text you while you're busy or follow up again if you don't answer fast enough. They might pop over unannounced and expect you to stop what you're doing. They might just cut in on a conversation, stand in your line of sight, or talk over what you're watching. And then they watch to see if you're going to drop what you're doing, to see if you're easy to pull towards them. If they can break your focus. Focus once. They're gonna do it again, and it will escalate. To see if they can feed on your energy. They set up a trap and then watch what you do. The setup is subtle but deliberate. They forget something important, or they act helpless, or they bait you in with drama. They stir up guilt, conflict, or pity just to see how fast you step in. And then they watch to see if you're gonna protect your energy or if you're going to hand it to them. If you take responsibility for their mess, if you jump in to calm them down, if you explain or soothe or carry what isn't yours, they know you're now a source. When you don't want someone crossing a line around your time, attention, or energy, the key is to say no with behavior. What does that mean? It means your actions must match your words. You hold your position and then you wait. It's not the boundary violation that tells you who people are. People with trauma, neurodivergence, or people pleasing habits might cross a line too, but they're usually trying to connect, even if it's clumsy. Others might just feel disappointed or surprised, but they recalibrate and move on. A narcissist, though, you're going to see it. You're going to see a flash of irritation, a smirk that immediately drops a a sudden edge in their tone. Sarcasm, guilt, or silence. They shift tactics. That's your cue. They weren't making a request, they were checking for power. A narcissist crosses the line to dominate, to win. And when they don't get what they want, they escalate. Because it was never about the boundary. It was about seeing if they could bend your behavior. And if they succeed even once, they're going to be back. Let me give you an example. Let's say it's your time and you've made it clear that you're done for the day and you're dealing with this person that you're trying to check if they're a narcissist or not. You're packing up, you're heading out, and that person stops you saying, wait. Before you go, can you help me with one quick thing? Caveat to this? Not everybody that needs to interrupt you is going to be a narcissist. I'm imagining that you guys are in this situation. You understand the difference between a person who does this all the time, you feel manipulated, so you're checking this, and a person who's just accidentally bumbling along and asks for help. Because the point isn't to always say no, it's to say no selectively. And then watch what happens when you do it. You tell them, I've got to run, or like I said, I have to leave, or like I said, I have an appointment or whatever it is. And then the boundary isn't what you said, it's what you do. At that point, you leave. You don't explain, you don't stall, you just keep going. That's your. No, not the words. And then you need to watch. If they accept it and move on, great. But if they tighten their jaw, have a little flash of disgust, or they escalate, like, seriously, it only takes two seconds. That's a push. Or, wow, okay, I guess I just figure it out myself. Like, that is passive aggression. That's when you need to stop and ask yourself, are they just asking for help or are they testing to see if I'm going to yield. Because that moment tells you everything. If it happens once, it might just be frustration or a bad day. But if you keep seeing it happen, if your exits are followed by guilt or fallout or pressure, you're not in a misunderstanding. You're in a power play. Now, let's say it's your attention. You're in a conversation, working or watching something. You're focused, and someone asks, hey, you know, can I ask you something real quick? And you respond politely, sure, give me a second. Then you stay engaged in whatever you're doing that is your no delivered through your behavior. And then you watch. If they wait, great. But if they try to talk over you or act offended or hijack the moment, they're not reacting to the moment. They're reacting to the resistance. They're trying to override your position to secure supply. Now, let's say it's your energy they're after. There are just a few minutes left in a zoom call, and you're wrapping it up, and people are saying goodbye. And that's when they drop it. I mean, not that anyone really cares, but I cried in the bathroom for an hour this morning. Silence. This isn't someone asking for support. Because when someone truly needs care, they don't wait till the final moment of a meeting when no one has time or energy to help them. But this is a super common narcissistic tactic. They wait until the exit, and then they drop something heavy to force emotional investment. So here's how you test it. In that moment, you don't dive in. You don't reopen the conversation. You just hold the line politely. You can nod or say something nice to them like, I'm sorry you're going through that. But then you close the meeting as planned. Again, this is about your behavior. It's about your action. Ending the meeting. That's your no calm, clear behavioral. You can always check in with them later if it feels right. But then you watch. If they let it go, the moment ends. If they escalate, drop into pity, double down, or shift into blame, saying something like, I knew you wouldn't have time for me. Now they've shown you what they're really after. They're not after help. They don't need support. They want to extract. They want to dominate so they can get that emotional supply that they they came for. Just remember, this is a test. They're pressing to see if your behavior will bend. And it's a game of chicken. So hold your position and watch what happens. If they back off, you're good. If they push harder, you've got your answer. Thanks for listening. And if you want to know how to spot the danger before it even starts so you can protect yourself and take back control, I recorded the audiobook version of Spot the Narcissist for People Like Us. It's already a number one bestseller in evolutionary psychology, forensic psychology, and self help for abuse. One listener wrote, this audiobook has been on continuous repeat for me for two weeks. The practical advice and specific phrases helped me claw my way back from the darkness of these relationships, so I'd love to share it with you. It's on audible now, and I walk you through everything step by step. The link is in the description.