Is everyone a narcissist?

Have you ever found yourself looking back at a relationship asking how did I miss that? Where maybe in hindsight you see tactics of manipulation and narcissism and now you're not really sure who or what to trust going forward. In this video you'll get a behind the scenes view of a live one to one coaching call where I'll show you the red flags that are easy to miss, why you miss them in the first place, and exactly how to build self trust so you can finally have the relationship that you deserve. Let me introduce you to Aaron. Since ending a relationship with a narcissist, he has started to see manipulative behavior everywhere. He spent the last year sifting through his childhood, his family, all his past relationships and now he's wondering, was everyone a narcissist? He's watching people's body language, facial expressions, trying to keep an eye out for every possible red flag. He's frustrated because he used to be trusting and empathetic and now he wonders if he might be sabotaging his closest friendships and relationships. So Aaron, when do you think these trust issues started for you?

It's. I think I've always struggled to kind of trust myself and my intuition mostly because growing up I don't think I really understood other people or at the very least I didn't feel understood. And then looking at it in, in terms of having gotten worse, it was definitely after the relationship where I dated someone I think to be a narcissist.

Yeah.

Just because after a full year of being with that person, I distanced my, you know, in all the typical things, I distanced myself from friends. I, I didn't really have a support system and the person I was spending the most time with on like almost a daily basis was him. So to not have that, to try and date other people, to try and spend time with my friends who were obviously also not understanding that situation or were trying to maybe, but not in a way that was actually helpful.

Yeah.

It became a struggle to know whether. Oh actually turns out all my friends are also narcissists. And turns out all my family are narcissists. And turns out everyone in the world is a narcissist and is trying to manipulate. You know what I mean? Like everyone in the world sucks and I am constantly being targeted and being taken advantage of and I don't think that that's true, but it definitely felt like that.

Do you think that you were overly trusting before and now you've kind of swung the pendulum over here or were you always Kind of like this.

I think I often saw the best in other people growing up, or tried to throughout. I think growing up, I kind of was like, this is like, people being mean to me or people being, you know, physically abusive or whatever is a normal thing. And if I want to have my core needs of, you know, attention and validation met, then I guess I will have to just endure that for the moments that it is nice.

Yeah.

Which, now that I say it out loud, does kind of sound like it might have been in. In the family somewhere rather than.

Yeah, it definitely does. And it doesn't mean that your family necessarily. Most the time, you get this pattern from having a narcissistic dynamic in the family, but sometimes you get it as, like, secondhand smoke of, like, living with people pleasers that were trained in the same way. So.

Right.

I. I don't think you can just say all the time that it's like that, but it's often like that.

Right.

Like that. What I heard you say is that you've basically learned to tolerate a certain amount of suffering in order to get a little bit of love. Yeah.

Oof. Yeah. That's a beautifully painful way of phrasing it. Yeah.

You have substituted the idea of love and for this thing of I will, like, march up the hill and hold everybody's baggage, and I will, you know, soldier on to get this tiny little crumb, because that's all I've ever had. So you become patterned in that way of really, really tolerating things that you shouldn't. And what you called it was being kind of optimistic or seeing the good in people. And that is a really beautiful thing about people. And unfortunately, that is exactly what gets exploited in these kind of relationships. And that's why it's so heartbreaking, because this good part of you, it's like, do I have to lose that? Do I have to lose faith in humanity? Do I have to be mean? Like, what. What am I supposed to do?

Now that sounds incredibly recognizable.

How do you know what to trust at all? Right now.

That'S a. That's a tricky one. I trust. Things that I can see. Right. I've. I think, especially after that relationship, I've stopped trusting people's words, because words and actions are not the same thing. I'm. I'm now maybe, you know, like you said, pendulum swinging the other way, a little bit more cynical about it, and look at people going like, well, I believe it when I see it kind of thing.

Yeah. Yeah. How does that feel to see. To have that worldview now for you.

I think it's helpful to some extent because it's helping me get to a place where I have a better sense of ego or self. And it's kind of become this, this thing where I am glad that I went through what I went through. I can see that. I mean, it was awful at the time, but it is helping me become a kind of like a stronger person and, you know, more empathetic, more compassionate. Yeah. But in a way that is more, also more guarded. Right. More kind of hyper vigilant. And I, I trying to move kind of past the hyper part of that and find a middle ground where I, I know who I am and I know my boundaries, but I also know that other people are flawed and deserve, you know, at the very least, compassion and understanding. Yes.

So some of that I agree with and some of that I would kind of rewrite a little bit. So there's the difference between hypervigilance and discernment. And that's kind of what I want you to think about those two words. So hypervigilance is really coming from this alert, fear, very trauma informed place. Right. Everything's out to get me. Everything could go bad. Yeah. And you could be paralyzed from that. You could be, you know. Yeah. The fight or flight. So instead of that, for me, from my experience and for a lot of my clients, we were overly trusting. And why we were overly trusting is because we were taught that we were not allowed to have a different opinion than our parents. We were not allowed to have a different opinion from the church we were raised in, whatever. So over time, this cultural kind of prescriptive idea of you have to not have a self and you have to not have boundaries and that's the only way to be safe. So that gets kind of hardwired in as a child and then later on in life you're thinking, oh, I'm virtuous because I just trust everybody, Everybody's good. And then you find yourself in these kind of situations. So discernment is more not coming from fear. It's coming from a neutral witness space of like you said, it's just a little bit different words. Like you said, you're watching as like, I will see. I. I will see, I will see. It's like you're not jumping off the high dive, hoping there's water down there. You're gonna stand there, you're gonna see like, do we have water? How deep is it? Right. Are there sharks? It's like that, that it's almost a full body Experience. So it's not gonna be mental. It's not gonna be triggered. So when I say you're not in your body, it's like you're in your head. You're just thinking. You're running patterns, you're running scripts in your head. And the discerning is actually you are experiencing life from within the animal that you live inside of. And that animal does hold trauma, and it does remember things, but it also helps you discern safety, like an actual safety, not just a mental safety, if that makes sense.

Right.

And that is really valuable because that you can trust. That goes back hundreds of thousands of years. In our DNA, we've been programmed to know what to trust and what not to trust. And it's even beyond words and body language. Like, it. It. It's just in our bodies, what that means. And I say this to people that are, like, trying to date or want to meet somebody is date with your body. And. And what I mean by that is, like, notice your actual physical reaction to being around a person. Are you relaxed or are you tense?

Right.

Do you get a weird headache? Does your neck start hurting? All of those things. Are the body letting you know that it's uncomfortable or that it's stressed in some way? And that kind of discernment is actually really helpful and very something that you can very much trust. Do you know what the pattern is that you fit, like, why you attracted this person in the first place? Do you. If you had to come up with a profile, do you know the perfect bait profile for a narcissist?

I'm aware of some of the parts for me, I think, you know, having. I think not having a very strong social network already. Right. Having few. Few close friends, I would say. And then, I mean, the same pattern growing up where I was very understanding and very empathetic towards other people's struggles and situations. Even if I'm the one getting frustrated, like, I will eventually come around and go, well, maybe they were just having a bad day. And then I will go back and I'll say, okay, why were we fighting? That kind of saying.

Right.

Which is something that once it's. I think it's. In my experience, when a narcissist clocks us, it's very easy to then go, okay, well, I now know how to manipulate you into making up with me for the thing that I did wrong. Right. Not that they will acknowledge that it was the thing they did wrong, but, no, I think, yeah. Especially during that relationship. It eroded my sense of, oh, I'm. I'M right sometimes too. It became very much like, okay, things are only nice when I apologize for my opinion or my side of the thing, but I have to because otherwise it doesn't happen.

Right.

Which, which I now see as a red flag.

Yeah, that is, yeah. Good. Yeah. So there's a couple different things, like characteristics that are, you're really high on. Obviously you're flexible. So that means you can see things from other people's points of view. That's part of the profile. You, you wouldn't be targeted if you couldn't do that. If you were very rigid in your own point of view, they would spot that right away. So that's, that's a workable thing. It's a good trait of yours, but it's going to be tested by people that are, you know, looking to use you. You're agreeable, meaning you're kind, you're empathetic and I'm guessing maybe conflict avoidant or you were conflict avoidant. That's usually in the profile. Would you say yes or no on that part?

I would prefer avoiding conflict if it's, if it can be, if it can be resolved without conflict before. I mean, so I, I was definitely, I was raised by people who were very preventative in terms of problems. So it was don't walk too close to the edge because if you fall, then we are going to have to deal with that. It was very much, let us do it for you. So though, that you don't do a bad job and then get a bad grade or upset someone with their president or whatever. It was very much done for me.

You're responsible for other people's feelings and outcomes and experiences. Yes.

And yes. And I was also not given autonomy.

Yes.

For the things where something was supposed to be my responsibility, but because my parents didn't trust me. I think that's kind of a key thing. Yeah. Coming back to trust. Right. Is they didn't trust that I, as a kid was going to be able to do it to their standard rather than my own. Right. To their standard or to others standards. Again, still nothing to do with me. But that, that perception of others or that perception of them as to how well I did or how well I completed something was a case of, okay, well then we'll make the decision for you, then we'll do the thing for you. And so I didn't learn that autonomy of like, no, I want to do it, no, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it and fail. And then it's your job to help me get back up. Right. They didn't do that. They just. They either prevented me from falling or failing, or they. Yeah, they kind of tried to fix it for me before it even went wrong in the first place.

Yeah, that. I mean, that's a massive devastation. A personal boundary where. Right. You don't have a self. You literally do not have a self. You're an extension, regardless of if it's vindictive or abusive or meaning to be that way. When you don't have autonomy, like you said, if you don't have a sense of sovereignty, if you don't have a sense, that is a devastating boundary to try to recreate and to try to understand. Where do I start? And mom stops. And that is very, very, very common. And, I mean, all narcissistic parents require that to be gone. However, like I said, sometimes just very insecure, codependent trauma, you know, traumatized people also can do that. Not. Not because they're meaning to dominate you, but because they're afraid. Okay, so let's talk about, like, some really simple checks you can do even on a date, even when you very first get to know a person. What you're looking for is a willingness to have a separate self. And this is something that you never got to have. But this shows up, like, over coffee. It will show itself if you know what to look for.

Okay.

So for example, if you're out and you're like, I like this kind of music. Me too. I like this kind of dancing. Me too. Oh, I. I love that kind of car. Me too. Super red flag. That is not what you want. That is not compatibility. That can easily be manipulated, and it actually can be manipulated for a really long time. Up to three years. Somebody can pretend to be who you want them to be. Super scary. Yeah. So you're looking for someone right away that goes, oh, yeah. I don't actually like country music, but I really like this kind of music where it's not a big deal for you to like something that they don't like. And that is a great sign. And that happens right away if you're checking for it and it's like kind of a discard. Like, it's a nothing. For somebody who's not narcissistic, you might not even realize that that happened, but that is what you're looking for. Like, I like beer. I don't, you know, anything. Anything that isn't trying to dominate you and make you agree with them, but is showing, like, I'm comfortable with you having a separate sense of self, does that make sense?

It makes sense. I think that the thing I would be or I have struggled with in the past is then where. I mean, arguably the thing I need to practice then is people, please less. But, for example, my first date with the avoidant is like, oh, I'm going to. Do you want to drink? And I was like, I don't drink. And he was like, oh, I won't have a drink. That either. And then I was like, oh, I will have a drink then. Because then you can drink and that's what you want to. Right, Right. So, okay.

But that is also right there. A narcissist goes, bingo. He's a good match.

Right?

So, yes. So you're gonna have to be very uncomfortable when you have the people pleasing. I have it so bad. And I do, I do. So I'm like, this is for your own good. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't say it. You know, just like, yeah, I don't want that. Or, no, that doesn't. That's me. And watch what they do. And this isn't like, yeah. So, yeah, I'm not sure. Like, that could be an avoidant. That could also be a narcissist right there. So it's the. The wanting to match you and also the weird almost responsibility that you felt to change who you were to make him more comfortable. Both of those. That could be your baggage. That could be his manipulation. But, like, together, that is the dynamic right there.

Right? Yeah.

So how do you break that? I'm gonna get a drink. Do you want one? And you say, I don't drink. And they say, okay, fine, I won't drink. And all you have to say is, yeah, do what you want to do. I actually want to get to know you. So you just kind of give them. Give them a reason. Like, they might be codependent too, but give them a reason to be themselves and you yourself and see, are they willing to do that? Does that make sense?

Yeah, that's. I mean, that's gonna take some practice, I think. But that sounds. It sounds incredibly healthy and well adjusted. It just doesn't sound familiar to me.

Same, same. I know I was the same. I was the same when I met my husband, who my. My husband now, you know, I had done this. I had been single for 10 years, so I just kept going on the worst first dates. Oh, my gosh. I. Like, I could write a book of all the terrible first dates I went on. And mostly because I was Just not a good discerner. But when I met him, I knew this and I knew, I have to check right away, does he agree with everything? Because that's what I kept doing, like you said. And that's what he, I kept meeting are people that either want me to comply to everything of theirs or I feel responsible to comply or they're agreeing with everything. So it was just like too matchy matchy. And I really misunderstood the idea of intimacy. I really thought like intimacy is like this, like, like this. Like you're just all together in one space, like all enmeshed, all entangled. Right. And I didn't understand, like, oh no, like intimacy is like this. You have to clearly be able to see the other person and they have to be able to clearly see you. And that's how you tiptoe very slowly into more vulnerability with a person.

Right.

So when I met, my husband and I, we met at a concert and my daughter was playing piano and he said something like, she's great. My kids play two. And I was like, oh God, wonderful, here we go again. And I said something like, yeah, well you know, this is the, this is where I studied. And this is kind of the classical style. And he's like, yeah, I don't like that. And it was just such a throwaway, like it was like not a big deal, like. And I was like, okay, good. Okay, good. Okay, I can do this. I can do this. So interesting, you know? Yeah. But it was like of within the first 15 minutes of talking to him. But. But it is uncomfortable and it's, it's almost compulsive and itchy feeling like I would have to just sit there and breathe through it a lot.

Yeah. And I think that's one of the. Actually I did want to ask that about discernment, but yeah. Is how do I discern, haha, pun not intended, between my body feeling a certain way because it's a bad situation or my body feeling a certain way because I had a thought that was negative and scary and induced that fear.

Yeah. That will come with time. And both can trigger a physical situation, a physical experience. So you could see a guy with a gun far away and that could make your heartbeat. Right. Or you could think of this guy's gonna rip me off and you don't see anything and that could make your heartbeat. Right. So you could have this physical experience or a mental when this seems very woo woo. And it's really not. It's like based on thousands of years of behavioral psychology and evolution really like, we survived. We are here because other people survived in very scary situations, and that got passed down to us. So when generational trauma. Yeah, yeah. But also, like, alertness and safety, they were able to save their lives and feed themselves and have children. So when you're. I think the worst thing we can do is discount if our body is nervous. Discount that and try to spin a narrative that you want to have in your. In your mind. And this is very, like, popular and manifesting. And I think this can be really, really negative for people like us where.

Right.

You know, I can sit there and tell you all the positive things about this person, and I can, like, make a huge sales pitch for this person while my body is, like, acting as if it's terrified and I'm totally separate. So why I am able to do that so well is because I learned really early on to dissociate. So I actually wasn't having an experience of my body most of the time. I was just kind of like a walking, talking head. And for you, you weren't able to have a sense of self, so you might also have a really difficult time implementing, embodying your entire self inside your skin. I know that sounds strange, but that's kind of what you have to teach. So how do you do that? You will know if you can squish up your hands and feel your hands while you're there, or, like, crinkle your feet, like, do something physical or like, put your hands on the edge of your chair. Something physical that you have to pay attention to to make sure you're actually feeling your body at the same time. And then it's not a mental thing.

Ah, okay. So that's where we might run into a slight issue, because I fidget all the time anyway. Because of my adhd. Yeah, I think. Well, I mean, so ADHD is. Is a central nervous system thing anyway.

Yes.

So I'm in this place where I'm not in my body, right?

Yes.

Everything is in my head.

Right.

Then at the same time, my body is also doing things Right. And so it's even that. And this is just a case of me, I think, practicing more just awareness of my body and mindfulness. But even that of like, okay, squish your hands so that you have something to focus on. I'm like, but I do that subconsciously, passively, anyway. Right.

But are you conscious of it and are you aware of it?

Oh, right. No. So it's a. Yeah, it's a.

So it's bringing the awareness there, for example, like, Right now, are you hot or cold?

I'm in the middle. I'm neither hot or cold.

That's all you have to do. Like, you have to actually check your body to know that.

Right.

Like, I'm cold, my feet are cold. I'm in my YouTube studio and we have, like, this stone floor that gets really cold. So I'm cold.

Right.

So that I have to check in with my actual animal that I live inside of to know that.

Yeah, that's a good one because that's. My therapist is. Keeps making me go, like, okay, just how does your body feel right now, right before the session?

Oh, my gosh.

And I'm like. I'm like, oh, yeah. I am holding my entire body tensely. Let me breathe like a normal person for a second. And then I'm like, oh, this is what it's like to sit normally. And it's. It's such a strange, because I think most of the time, like, a good 99% of the time, there is tension in my body in some way, shape or form, probably most of my body, and I am not aware of it.

Yes.

And then when I make myself aware and let go, I'm like, oh, is this what it's like?

Yeah, that is what it's like. So imagine that feeling right there on a date, fully trusting that you can protect yourself.

Ah, okay. And then that's a good thing, to feel comfortable in that way.

Yes.

Yes. So even if they're being weird because you're relaxed and you see that they're weird and you're like, yeah, you can't touch me.

Right. So what then, if. I mean, this is a very specific scenario, but I recently went on a first date and I felt that way, and then on the second date, I did not feel that way anymore because I thought I was. I suddenly. I was like, I really need to impress him now because this is.

Yeah.

We're doing.

Jumping out of your body and up into your.

Into my head. Right.

Okay. So that. That's the tricky thing about this whole dating with your body thing, because you could definitely. It's not necessarily that they're a threat. It's actually you're a threat because you left yourself. That's why you're in trouble. That's why it's dangerous.

Wow. That's massively insightful and a huge relief. So, yeah. So that entire second date was just all in my head in that sense?

Yes. Yes.

Wow.

Yes. Yes.

I think I can even pinpoint, like, the turning point where I went from feeling Comfortable on the second day to being like, ah, suddenly everything is.

What was it? What was it?

He just shared about the fact that he really loves plants. And that's kind of like the thing he nerds out on. He was like, what is something you nerd out on other than your work? And I was like, I do not have an answer ready because my answer was going to be my work. So how do I now. How do I now answer this question? And I, I don't think I have like the maybe self awareness or maybe just practice of redirecting a question that I don't have an answer for to one that I do have an answer to and going like, I don't think you needed to.

Okay, so hang on.

Maybe I'm in my head.

I know you because of your work. I know you because of that. I would be devastated to hear that you went on a. On a date and said that you nerd on, on anything but your work. Because I know you. Like, it would be so false, so why not just say what's true?

Yeah, well, so that. Because he caveated it with, like, with not your work, because I had already talked to him about it.

So it's like, okay, so. Okay, yeah, people do this all the time. I'm like, I literally don't exist outside of my work. What do you mean? You're like, this is.

I live and breathe my daughter, my family.

This is everything.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

It's totally fine to just show up.

It's work.

There isn't anything like, get to know me. This is who I am and I love my job.

Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, I did, I did find something. It was just something that I nerd out on slightly less so.

Right, exactly.

It just took me a second to go, like, wait, I was going to probably say work, and now you've asked me to say something else. So let me think of something else. Here's to something else.

Right, But I think that, like, took you out of the body up into the head. Yes, exactly. So when you feel that happening, if you're aware enough to realize now all of a sudden I'm nervous and I feel like I'm not able to trust him with. Come back to yourself first before you start feeling like that and go, okay, what did I just do? Believe me, like, I always want to, I always want to impress people. It's just like, it's really bad. So you just have to know, okay, when is that becoming a performance where I'm just Not integrated into my body anymore. Which means that my body, because I've had trauma, is going to react like it's all alone in a scary place. That's what's going to happen to the body, regardless of who this guy is.

Wow.

You got to come back. You got to live inside yourself. You got to be with this animal that's been traumatized, and you have to be like, it's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. And then you start getting a better read.

Yeah. That's so fascinating how.

How you date with this information is not okay. So there's a couple different things. Your body can sense if somebody's a predator. And after you, your body can sense that, but you have to be in your body to notice that Your body also knows everything bad that's ever happened to you. And if you vacate it, it starts to panic. And so you're going to have to be able to not freak out and get back inside yourself to determine what you're looking at. That's. It's hard. It takes so much concentration for adhd. It's going to be really, really hard because it takes a ton of awareness, but you get better and better and better at it. Especially because it sounds like right now it's like, I'm panicked. You must be bad. And it's like, no, I'm panicked. It might be me. How do. I don't. Like, it's not my fault. Don't do that thing. But like, it might be me because I've left myself. Let me right. Am I hot or cold? Just do that. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Back here and then see how that feels.

Yeah. I think that's one of the things I've struggled most with just throughout life is being in the moment. Because I'm always anxious about the future, and I'm always resentful about the past. And I'm like, well, how. My therapist is like, but what about right now? And I'm like, but what about right now? It doesn't matter right now because I've got my goals that I need to reach within the next 10 years, and I've not. I've had to deal with all this from my parents, and I'm not doing okay. What do you mean, right now? Right. And it's like, yeah, exactly. Being more aware of that. And it's interesting to use the word awareness, because I think in my head, I think of awareness as a perception thing, but, like, I notice things and I draw the patterns. Right. And so it is still in my head, but it's not in my body. And so like body awareness or I guess intuition would maybe be the word for that, right? Or discernment then.

Yeah, yeah. It's just, it's a broader scope, so it's just a much more zoomed out view.

So.

Because you're in the view at that point. Yeah, that's instead of just only trying to like be this hyper alert, like tiny little, you know, thing that you're looking through to see is this person. Okay.

Because if you're going to use a magnifying glass to look for signs that someone's a narcissist, then, yeah, you're probably going to find them. Because everybody has ego is the thing, right?

Yes.

So yeah.

Yes. Well. And that's the thing that's really tricky and that I work with a lot of my clients on because we have the pattern a lot of times, like there's, there's people that I dated. I cannot tell you at all whether they were. And I was with them for a long time. I have no idea if they were a narcissist or not. What I do know is I was in the pattern and I would create the dynamic whether they intended to or not. So a lot of it was me. And then there are clear, clear ones that are like, oh, no 1 million percent. That was a. That was that person. But it was so in me that it's like I could turn anybody into somebody who wanted to use me. I was very usable. I wanted to be used. So how can you tell if somebody's bad and intending harm on you when you're acting like that?

And that's, I think, why I then suddenly after the narcissist was like, oh, all my friends are also narcissists. Because I used to exhibit people pleasing behavior to my friends as well.

Almost everybody that has one. Narcissist is infested with narcissists. Because they fit the bat. Yes. It's like cockroaches. They're. If there's one, there's a lot of them. Because you fit the pattern. You don't just fit it to one person, you fit it to everybody. And they all come in.

In the broad strokes, then.

Yes.

Is it mostly a case of actively disagreeing with people if I disagree with them rather than.

Yes. And having the courage to be yourself there?

Yeah.

Think of it as the courage to be a separate self. That's not necessarily conflict, it's just more that you're going to show up like that Question. What do you nerd out on? Say the truth. Even if they don't want to hear that, Even if they tried to direct you elsewhere. Just be yourself.

Yeah.

Then you find out, well, if he doesn't like that, that's. That's not your problem.

Okay. So, yeah. Then that becomes a case of. Of confidence, I guess.

Or that is how self worth is built. By having a self.

Yeah. No, that makes sense. I think that that's going to take some work.

It takes work. It definitely takes work, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, that's a really.

I actually think, just hearing you over this time, what I think is happening is you are getting a very physical read, and you are interpreting the physical read because you're not aware of it. Into. This is manipulation and bad. Like, you are feeling the experience of fear in your body, and you're not aware of it because you're not aware of your body. That's what I think is happening a lot.

Right. Because I do feel that I'm aware of fear in my body, which. That's a sign. Wow. So, like, that. That feeling of, like, sinking in my chest where when someone says something and I'm like, oh, that hurt my soul somehow. Right? Like, it's like. It's like a. Like that feeling I will feel in my body, but then everything else I'm not as kind of tuned into, I think, which is probably just.

Well, you're probably having a baseline fear that if you paid attention to all the time, would, like, be debilitating. But it's there, correct? It's there.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's there. When you are coming out of trauma and you have any kind of ptsd, adhd, all of that, there is like, a vibration coming off your body that is just fear all the time. Fear.

Yeah.

So that. That's how I feel. Gonna give you, like, false signals until you really understand what is coming from you, what is coming from another person. What is coming. Because I'm not aware of my body.

Here and is the only way to kind of. Or I mean, the. The way to handle that is by just mindfulness. I guess, then.

Yeah. So when people would tell me mindfulness, I'd be like, okay, I'm thinking about my body. That is not it. That is not it.

It's the actual feeling.

It's the actual sensory experience. So it's so much simpler than what I thought it was because I'd be like, mindfulness. Okay. I'm on my yoga mat. I'm thinking about my feelings, and I think I feel angry. And that's how I would do it.

Right.

Like, just basically just more mind. That's all of that. That's not helpful. And it makes you really, really anxious. So the way I get is, yeah, sensory, so hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling, like, sensing, feeling hot, cold, nervous tension, that kind of thing. So that is how you actually experience a body.

Right.

So I wouldn't call it mindfulness because that, like, gives you this. Sure, I have to think about it, but it is really coming from the body.

Yeah, yeah. So moving my awareness to be like, are my shoulders tense? Yes. Drop your shoulders kind of thing. Rather than like, am I currently having anxious thoughts because I'm spiraling.

If you were aware the minute you felt like, it would be bad to talk about work, I bet something happened in your body that you didn't even realize. And then you went into, okay, I gotta. I gotta impress. I gotta come up with something. And then you're out of it. And then all of a sudden, he seems like a liar and somebody you can't trust because you're. You're not sure what to trust anymore.

Yeah, I think it's. I had also in advance decided for myself. I was like, oh, I'm gonna present this way. Right? Like, I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna think and act and say confident things and be this about it. And I think even that in and of itself already kind of put me to be more prone about what's going on in my head, though, right? Really, like, vigilant about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and how am I positioning my body? Right. Yeah, yeah. Rather than just going, like, let's go with the flow. Let's kind of feel it out.

It's really real. Like, your body really does relax in certain ways that you can trust. Now, I don't want you to say to yourself, oh, man, this guy is perfect. And it was a me problem. What I want you to hear is you weren't able to tell yet because you weren't there.

Right. And it takes time in the. When I. When I got into my head after that question, you mean? Yes, right?

Yes. So you have to go. You have to, like, train yourself to stay there and discern. Stay there, discern, stay there, discern. And then over time, you will know.

I think that's the. The place where I'm at. I'm still, like, growing pains, right? It's a little. I'm still awkward at realizing these things. I mean, just to really quickly tie that back in Because I think that's how my mom used to act, where it was like I had done something and it was a bad thing or whatever, and suddenly she was blowing up on me, and I was like, girl, I lost my geography homework. It's not looking back now. I'm like, that was not as big a deal as you made it, but for some reason, you were screaming at me for 10 minutes when I was 8 years old and had done something that I knew wasn't good and came to you for help. And so all I got was rage. That's not the vibe. Right. That's not going to help me know how to handle that kind of situation.

So, no, all that does is teach you that it's not safe to make mistakes, and. Which is basically where you are right now. It's not safe to make mistakes. Right.

Yeah, well, yeah. And I. On top of adhd, and, you know, ADHD comes with rejection, sensitivity and perfectionism and exacerbated by the fact that I wasn't allowed to make mistakes, but also not knowing how to, because people always did everything for me. I'm like, well, how am I supposed to be a functioning adult? I'm not one. Because I never got the chance to grow into one until I started making enough money to pay a therapist.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I would argue with you on that, and I hope that you can hear this and take it with you. You are an incredibly great functioning adult. In most situations, there are triggers that send you spiraling. But I promise you, when you're teaching, I know you're not trying to impress. I know you're not trying to spin tails for people. You're probably much more in a moment with hearing what's happening, seeing what's happening, especially on camera, than you realize. And so if you can see. Oh, when I'm. When I'm doing that, that's the feeling I have to have. That's like, I've honed that skill.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

There's a. There's a little bit of. Of. I don't think it's pleasing necessarily. I think it's more of a performance thing, just because I like performing as well.

Yeah.

So I'll make jokes and stuff like that. And I'm like, well, I'm doing that for an audience. Right. I'm not just saying it because. But at the same time, I also kind of am.

Yeah.

Because it's representative of me as a person. Right. And.

Right. But if. If I saw a recording of you teaching and who you really are in real life. Is it pretty close?

I mean, that requires me to have a sense of self, Meadow. And I don't actually know what I'm like, so.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm the same person. Right. I'm the same person when I'm your student. I'm the same person when I'm your coach. I'm the same person at farmer's Market. I'm the same person. It took a long time to be that, though.

Yeah. And my therapist keeps saying the same thing you just said where it's like, I hope. I hope you can see how brilliant you are. And I'm like, but that's a nice word. And I don't feel that way about myself.

No, the word is asset. Like, that's the one that I want you to grab onto. I want you to see yourself as an asset to somebody.

Oh, okay. For a second I was like. But then that. Doesn't that mean they're taking advantage of me? But you mean in the sense of like. Like I'm adding value?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you don't have to do anything at all. Just being there is an asset.

Yeah. Wow.

That's hard, learning so much.

It is.

It is. That's the word. You are not a liability. That's the point.

Okay. Hit me right where it hurts. Thanks. Yeah, well, yeah, Because I think that's for the majority of my childhood, how it was made to feel.

Yeah, I know. And you're still carrying that. And you don't have to.

Wow. Thank you.

Yeah. So if you can see yourself as an asset, then you start to match others who see you as an asset, and you see that you bring value just by being rather than doing or performing. And it's. It's just so much more healthy and good. It's a process. It takes a while. It's a lot of practicing. But, yeah, that's what I hope for you.

Thank you. I hope it for me, too.