Narcissists Want You to Argue—Here’s How to Win

Most people don't realize they're arguing with a narcissist until they're already stuck, trapped in endless conversations that go nowhere. I've spent the last 20 years researching self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author and survivor, I teach practical systems to help empower you. In this video, I'll break down the two levels of this dynamic. The low level game that pulls you into the endless arguments and frustration. And the high level power move that ends the game for good. So let's talk about the two games at play. The first one is their game, the one the narcissist wants you to play. And it's a lot like tic tac toe. Repetitive, frustrating, and no matter how many times you try, it always ends the same. I call this game the Squabble. The tricky part is that most of the time you don't even realize that you've stepped into it. The squabble doesn't even feel like an argument at first. It starts with something small and obvious, something that seems so, so reasonable to correct. The narcissist might say, why didn't you call me when you know you did? Or they might say, why were you so late when you weren't? Or they might say, you don't care about me after you've gone out of your way to show that you do and it feels natural to respond, you think, this isn't an argument. I'm just clarifying a simple misunderstanding. But before you know it, you're in deep and the conversation shifts and suddenly you're defending yourself and justifying your actions and trying to prove your good intentions. This is the trap. You're treating it like a problem to be solved, assuming that the goal is to find common ground or to clear up the issue. But narcissists don't share that goal. They don't want the problem solved. The squabble isn't about truth or resolution. It's about keeping you hooked, pouring your energy into something they've designed to be unsolvable. The harder you try to make sense of it, the more you get pulled into the loop. And it's like that game of tic tac toe where every move you make is blocked and no matter how carefully you plan, you're stuck reacting while they're controlling the entire dynamic. The squabble only works if you keep playing. Once you understand this, everything changes. By the way, if you're wondering how to assess the level of risk that you're dealing with, I've created a free narcissist Protection checklist to help. It's a quick and powerful way to protect yourself and those you love, and you can grab it in the description below. Now let's talk about the second game, the real game, the one where you take back your power. The narcissist wants to keep you stuck in that tic tac toe land, but you don't have to stay there. Instead, you can step into a different game, one that's deliberate, strategic, and all about the long game. Think of this game more like chess. Every move matters. It's not about reacting emotionally or rushing to respond. It's about thinking several steps ahead and protecting what's most important. Your power. To play this game, it's important to understand what power really is and what it isn't. Power is often confused with control. Control comes from fear. When we're afraid, afraid of being rejected, afraid of being misunderstood, or of losing someone, we try to dominate, manage or force a certain outcome. For example, if we're afraid someone's not going to like us, we might try to manage how they see us or explain ourselves excessively or overcompensate to win their approval. And this is exactly what drives the squabble we when the narcissist accuses you of something ridiculous or unfair, like you don't care about me, that fear kicks in. You think I need to fix this. I need to explain so they understand. But that's not power, that's control. You're reacting out of fear and trying to manage their perception of you. And the more you try to fix the situation, the more power you hand over. Power doesn't come from managing or fixing. It comes from self worth. Self worth is knowing deep down that you deserve attention, respect and energy. Not because you fought for it or explained yourself, but because it's your inherent right. Power is quiet, steady and grounded. It's like having a strong backbone with a soft heart. Your backbone holds firm, protecting you with your strength and boundaries. And your soft heart allows you to stay authentic, vulnerable and open. But only when you choose to be. This strategy makes it impossible for the narcissist to win. Their entire game depends on keeping you stuck in the squabble, reacting and defending yourself. But when you stop reacting and when you stop trying to fix the situation, you take your power back. Staying calm when they provoke you, setting a boundary without over explaining and refusing to justify yourself. These are the moves that win the long game. The narcissist can't force you into a squabble if you refuse to Play. And without your reactions to fuel them, their tactics lose all of their power. Since arguing with a narcissist doesn't work, let's focus on what does. The power game isn't about fighting harder. It's about stepping into a new strategy altogether. Here are the five rules of the power game that are going to help you in any situation. Rule 1. Always stay calm and and unpredictable. Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Every outburst, every defensive argument, and every frustrated sigh gives them what they want. Control. They know how to push your buttons and how to get your reaction. And once you react, they've already won. The power move is to stay calm no matter how much they provoke you. Imagine them throwing darts, expecting to hit their target. If you don't react, those darts just fall flat. You'll become unreadable. And when you're unreadable, you're unpredictable. And that throws them off balance. This doesn't mean suppressing your feelings or pretending everything is fine. It means holding onto your power by choosing not to give them the emotional energy they're fishing for. Whether it's through silence, a neutral response, or a calm, steady tone, your calmness signals that their tactics aren't working on you. Rule number two is to control the narrative by saying less. Narcissists are master manipulators, especially when it comes to words. The more you explain, the more ammunition you give them to twist and to use against you. That's why one of the most effective rules of the power game is to say less. Think of it this way. Every explanation, every justification, every defense is like handing them a tool. The less you say, the fewer tools they have to work with. A boundary doesn't need to be a long winded debate. It's just a simple statement. Like I said, not discussing this, you don't owe them explanations or reasons. Silence and brevity are powerful because they put the control back in your hands. The narcissist can't manipulate words. You don't give them. Rule number three is to protect your position by staying consistent. Narcissists will test your boundaries repeatedly. They're going to push and provoke and wear you down over time to see if you're going to cave. So this is why consistency is so important. Power doesn't come from one dramatic moment. It comes from holding the line over and over and over. And if you say you won't engage with their behavior, follow through. If you decide to step away from a conversation, don't get pulled back in because they provoke you one last time. Consistency sends a clear message you mean what you say. And it also protects your position, your sense of self. Because you're no longer swayed by their attempts to manipulate you, they, over time, they'll realize their usual tactics just aren't working anymore. Rule number four is to keep your distance. The closer you are to a narcissist, the easier it is for them to pull you into their chaos. Creating distance emotionally, conversationally, or even physically is one of the most powerful ways to hold onto your power. Distance doesn't mean running away or avoiding conflict out of fear. It means setting limits on how much of your time, energy, attention they have access to. For example, if they're prone to baiting you into long conversations, keep your responses short and disengage. If they constantly call or text to pull you back into their drama, step back and limit contact. When you create distance, you're not just protecting your energy, you're also breaking their cycle of control. The less access they have to you, the less they can manipulate. And rule number five is to keep your intentions private. Narcissists thrive on information. The more they know about your plans, emotions, and vulnerabilities, the more they can exploit them. One of the most important rules of the power game is to keep your intentions private. You don't need to explain why you're pulling back, why you're setting boundaries, or what your goals are. The less they know, the less they can use against you. Think of this like playing poker. You wouldn't lay your cards out on the table for your opponent to see. Protecting your intentions is about maintaining control over what they can and cannot influence. This isn't about being secretive, it's about being strategic. So when you stop oversharing and keep your plans to yourself, you keep your power firmly in your own hands.