People Pleasing & Narcissists: Why We Attract Them & How to Break Free

When was the last time you told someone, no, I can't do that for you, or the last time that you felt comfortable asserting yourself? If you've ever felt like it's your job to make people like you and it's your fault if they don't, or if you've ever felt selfish or guilty when you want to say no, or if you ever feel pressure to outwardly appear happier, friendlier and more helpful than you secretly feel on the inside, then you, like me, might struggle with people pleasing. Today we're diving deep into the psychology of people pleasers. We'll explore why we do it, why we need to stop and about think, and I'll give you some practical steps to help you break free of the cycle. Let's get started. Hi there, I'm Meadow Devore and this channel is your go to place for self development and building self worth. It's completely normal to want to belong and to want to be liked. But for some of us, we feel this deep sense of stress, anxiety, or a compulsive need to fix it when we believe that people around us are unhappy or when we believe someone doesn't like us. Agreeableness is one of the big five personality traits, the others being openness, conscientiousness, extraversion and neuroticism. Agreeableness is the concern for social harmony. People high in agreeableness value getting along with others. They are generally considerate, kind, generous, trusting and helpful. When you're fundamentally compassionate and caring, you typically don't like conflict. You probably want to put others at ease. You might want to go along to get along with the group rather than creating waves and and it's a good characteristic to have. We need kind and generous and compassionate people in the world. One of the problems with this is that you are more likely to be a target of disagreeable types, narcissists, psychopaths, argumentative, cold, selfish, hostile and abusive people. And it becomes an even bigger problem when you're unable, unwilling or unaware of when you need to stop being agreeable. Now onto why do we people please? The need to please is related to our need to belong. This is a social instinct that evolved to keep us safe within groups so that that we could survive. This means that we have a natural instinct to people please. And this instinct helps us work together and cooperate within a community. For most of human history, the threat of exile or ostracism meant certain death. We evolved to experience a few painful emotions, sharp feedback systems to keep us in check and to keep us safe within A group shame is one of those painful emotions. It's a signal that we're doing something that puts us at risk within that group. Rejection is a terribly painful emotion and, and we experience that when we've been excluded. We have an innate fear of this rejection or shame, making it extremely uncomfortable to risk a relationship or to risk our place within a community. When you're emotionally healthy and secure, you will risk exile, ostracism, shame and rejection to protect yourself and those you love. Basically, this means that your self preservation instinct outweighs your social connection instinct. People pleasing syndrome, sometimes called the disease to please, is the opposite. This is when the instinct to belong outweighs the instinct to survive. It's when your social instinct is on hyperdrive at the risk of self preservation or protecting those you love. Typically, this happens when you've been raised, trained, or have learned that survival relies on your need to be agreeable, to belong or to get along. This means that to be safe, you had to be nice, you had to be boundaryless and at least pretend to be happy, friendly and helpful. You may have been raised by a parent whose love was conditional or who was emotionally unavailable. You may have learned that you got more love, affection and your basic needs met when you were being friendly, helpful and giving. For example, if your parent is a narcissist, your life depended on being agreeable, polite, kind, generous to someone who was harming you. So rather than having the instinct to protect yourself for a child within that narcissistic dynamic, you often revert to agreeableness. This may have kept you safe as a child, but it massively backfires as an adult because you will keep attracting predators who want to use you. So let's talk about why we need to stop. Stop people pleasing. It's easy to fall into the trap of people pleasing because you tend to get positive feedback for this habit. People pleasing pleases people, but the effect of this compulsion over a long time can be devastating. First, it obliterates your self esteem when you place more importance on how you appear and what others think of you. By definition, you're devaluing yourself. As your self worth plummets, your compulsion to please others rises and you end up in a desperate cycle to perform for others, hoping to gain worth back. This never works works and you end up exhausting your resources until you're a burned out, resentful shell of yourself. Second, you need to heal, to have healthy and loving relationships, to be a better parent and to live a fulfilling life. You cannot continue unhealthy patterns from your past. By being a people pleaser, you stay stuck in a cycle of dysfunction for your own emotional, physical and mental health, you need to end the pattern. And third, you attract predators when you don't know how to say no or when you need to say no. You you're unintentionally inviting dark personalities into your life. The more compulsive and unaware you are about your people pleasing habit, the more danger you invite to yourself and those around you. To help protect yourself and those you love, you need strong boundaries. For me, boundaries were really difficult and confusing, so I created the course I wish I'd had when I was trying to learn how to set boundaries. It's a step by step self guided course called Boundaries Masterclass and I've linked it in the description and I hope you find it helpful. Let's talk about how to stop. Here are three practical steps to help you break the cycle. 1. Procrastinate on purpose. Instead of answering right away, wait for at least a day before you reply. Use the phrase I'll let you know tomorrow or I'll get back to you tomorrow. This will probably be pretty uncomfortable, but it helps you be more aware of your own compulsion. Notice if discomfort comes up and see if this feels like an unhealthy childhood pattern. Use the 24 hours to gain insight into your own habit so you let go of your own dysfunctional baggage before you say yes or no. 2. Name the discomfort. When you find yourself flipping into people pleasing mode, try to articulate the exact discomfort you're wanting to avoid. Ask yourself what would I be forced to feel right now if I don't do this people pleasing thing? 3. Lean towards courage. People pleasing is often motivated by fear of not being liked, fear of rejection, fear of not belonging. To stop this habit, instead of relying on niceness and agreeableness, start leaning towards courage and inner strength. Try to have the courage to not be liked all the time, the resilience to endure rejection and the strength to take risks. Start valuing courage in yourself and in others and try to take small steps of courage in your relationships.