S5 Ep. 6 On Dating, Worthiness, and How To Find The One

This is Meadow d' Vore, and this is the Meadow Devore podcast. Hi, guys. I've missed you. You missed me, probably. So I went offline for a little bit because I had a deadline that I had to work through. And over the next couple months, I'm going to be putting out podcasts as much as I can, but every so often I'm going to have to hit pause and work on my other stuff. And I will let you in on all my secrets as soon as I possibly can. But right now, I have to keep it all underground. So this week I have a great session to share with you a woman who is so this is for all the single ladies. She is single. She wants to date. She's had some not so great dating life experiences. She's trying to decide whether to go on apps or not or how do you. How do you feel worthy of dating a good guy or having a good relationship? And how do you go about finding these people? So we talk about how to find somebody in real life, we talk about dating apps, we talk about worthiness and how this plays out in relationships, especially those early parts of relationships. So if you're single or you think you might be soon, you might want to listen in on this or if you know somebody who's single and like, feeling really stuck, listen. I was single for a really long time and I. It was one of the most painful things of my life. I think that humans are made to be in partnerships and they are made to have friendships and they're made to. Made to have deep relationships and loneliness is chronic. It's everywhere and it's so painful. So I do think this is an incredibly important self development topic to talk about. How do you form these bonds? Especially right now where social media is weird and phones are weird and you're supposed to be swiping to find people and like, how do you actually do this thing that humans have done since the time began? Okay, so I think we're going to talk about dating. My favorite line from your email was I Something about, like, you can't stop yourself from looking at somebody's hand to see if they're married. If they have the ring.

Yes.

Right. Which I totally understand because I used to do the exact same thing. It was like such a habit. Like, like I wouldn't even look faces. I was just looking at hands. Like, let's start with the hand and then we'll move on to the face.

Yeah, See, I look at the face first. I'm like, are they attractive?

Are they Married or are they showing that they're married?

Yeah.

Okay, so you said that relationship is, or the idea of relationships one of the most painful subjects for you. Do you know why?

I think it's so. I think it's the area in my life that I think I haven't worked on like self worthy things. Like I've worked a lot of, you know, finding my work worth in my career and finding my worth in my family and like friends. But I feel like that's. This is the area where I just keep getting stuck.

Can you kind of describe the stuckness or the pattern that you have found or do you not really know?

So I'm on myself about the pattern. Yeah, yeah. So like I, I've only been in really two serious relationships and both of those people were, I mean, it was just like toxic, codependent. They had big issues with drugs and.

Alcohol and so why do you think you were a match to that? Why do you think you were attracted to that?

Oh, I think it stems from like just childhood stuff.

Okay, so can you say a little bit more about that?

Sure, yeah.

It's just childhood. Well, lots of us have childhood and not all of us keep dating addicts or alcohol. Why do you think you're a good match to it?

Yes. So I think as a child I. So my mother was mentally ill but like wasn't diagnosed. I think I just missed out on a lot of the like attachment and connection that most children get. And so when I, I mean, I didn't date in high school and then as soon as I got to college, the first like guy that looked at me, I married.

Your bar was high.

Oh my gosh, he's looking at me. I'll take him.

I'm marrying you now. Okay. So. Yeah. So why do you think. I mean, I know this is funny. It's funny, but it's also very painful. Why do you think you were attracted to a person? I want, I want you to look at it. Not like this just happened. Like you, you're a magnet and your magnet is set to so far, this, this kind of person.

Yes. So I.

What does it do for you to be in that relationship? What was going on? You think.

So? I think there is some sort of like codependent, like savior complex. Like I don't have to look at my pain because your pain is blaring and you know, blaring us in the face.

So I had a joke back in the day. My. Oh God. I just, I wouldn't, I would not curse anybody with having to date after child, just dating is hard, period. But the joke was I could turn anybody into a guy that had no job. And it was a joke because it was true. It happened over and over and over. So, you know, taking responsibility for that is like, what was I doing? What was going on here? So, yeah, I could see maybe it's a hero thing going on, like, let me save you, you little broken winged person. But that is assuming a sort of grandiosity that doesn't come with. It's not consistent with what you said about your self worth and what I know about your self worth. So I want to show you maybe a different way. Rather than thinking, oh, yeah, well, I was raised to be the person taking care of the broken people or whatever that is. Right.

Like that.

I don't know. You didn't say that exactly, but that kind of an idea.

Mm.

Just think about in life, what kind of person has a very low bar, will accept a very low bar.

I mean, it's the kind of person who is like, so desperately wanting the thing.

Yes. Desperately wanting the thing. And also doesn't think they can get the actual thing.

Right.

So I don't think this is a hero complex, and I don't think this is a grandiosity issue. I think this is a self worth issue completely. So typically, what I've seen for myself and others, it plays out like this. If I set the bar low enough, they will have to love me. They'll be so lucky to have me. They will never leave me. Yeah. Doesn't work. Do you know why that doesn't work?

I mean, usually the. I mean, they. They're not able to love me in the way that I actually want them to.

Yeah.

Or.

Or at all.

Yeah.

More lonely. Yeah. When you're dealing with. When you're trying to lower the bar so far down that you're trying to make it so this person won't want to leave you, you actually create a situation where they. They can't stay with you because you're not being authentic and you're not showing up as yourself and you're not even playing on the level field at this point. It's really like, becomes this weird man. Are you following me on that?

Yes.

So, like, where I was trying to protect myself and like, kind of what I was thinking was like, I come from a pretty wounded past, and I was thinking always that I also needed to be matched with somebody that came from pretty wounded past. Like, how could they possibly understand me? How could they possibly get me somebody that was Just, like, healthy and loved and had this great childhood and whatever. Like, what would they have in common with me? Was kind of my thinking. So I was always like, you know, you put a hundred people in a room, and I would find the broken one, and not because I wanted to fix them, because I thought that's the only person that would love me.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, I think, with my, like, behavior and thinking too.

So the radical change that has to happen for this is you have to have. You have to, like, actually want to date instead of dating down. You have to date up. You're very silent.

I am. Because I have so many thoughts, my mind voice is going crazy.

Tell me some of them. Let's just happen, like, yeah, bye.

I'll see you later. Yeah. Like, what if they think I'm. What if they think I'm the one that's broken? Yeah.

What if they're hanging down? You're the down.

I'm the down for them. Yeah. Or like, what if I'm my authentic self and then they don't.

That is the truth. What if. What if somebody's dating down because this is how you're presenting yourself, you're dating up. Like, tell me about that. What comes up for you there? What does that feel like?

Well, I just think it feels like they're gonna figure it out one day and leave me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This has been your dating life. This is the counterpart. That's what that always felt like for them. Just so you know. Oh.

Okay.

People know. They just know. They know where they stand.

They know, why try?

Why try? And it's. It's limited time anyway. Right? It's. It's. So this kind of situation for you creates a situation where, one, you cannot be loved, and two, you can only be used. And you're setting yourself up to be used. This is a double whammy. This is not good. Now, what's really cool is if you get yourself up and you date up and you're worthy, you know you're worthy, and you refuse to go lower. Not. Not that I think any human being is less than another human being. I'm talking about there are certain ways that people match. There's certain, you know, spiritual things that they match on or intelligence things or whatever. Like, you might be a black belt and karate and somebody else might be a great chef, and you both have this, like, intense passion. And so that's a good match, like, for both doing this interesting thing. And they're not the same thing, but they're interesting. And then there's people that are, like, not really interested in doing that, and so they're a better match to somebody else that isn't really interested in impressing as hard in certain ways. So I'm not saying that there's like a hierarchy, even though kind of. In dating. That's what I'm talking about. You can feel it if you're. If you're manipulating the dating situation to try to make yourself safe by thinking that you're dating down. It's never really the case because all people are created equal. But it does create this really weird dysfunction within a relationship when you think you're the one that they are lucky to have. It's not the best. And the other isn't the best either, where you feel like you're lucky to have this other person they're gonna leave you in any time.

So it's almost like you want to find someone that's like on the same playing field as you.

Yes. Yes. And what that feels like is you equally feel lucky to have each other. Like, you know they feel lucky to have you, and you know you feel lucky to have them. And you know you both got a good deal. Have you ever felt like that? No. Okay, so how does one even go about finding this?

Yeah, great question, Meadow.

Let me know. Okay, so let me just right now put you in a room with a hundred dudes.

Okay.

All right. What typically do you go. You know exactly what you go for. So just tell me the truth. What do you go for? 100 different guys. Who are you gonna go for?

I'm gonna go for, like, the really outgoing, funny dude.

Mm.

Good looking.

Okay. And why?

So I. I love to be. I love play and I love to be spontaneous and have fun, but that is not a part of me that normally comes out. Like, I'm more. I mean, I'm enneagram6. I'm like, take care of things and make sure everyone's safe. And I feel like it brings out my 7 wing to have someone who is, you know, like the life of the party.

Mm. Okay, so I just want. I'm gonna repeat back basically what you said, but edited so you can hear. I look for somebody who's funner than me because I'm not fun and I need to be more fun.

Okay.

Do you see the imbalance there? Do you see the inequality there?

Yes.

Like, out of a hundred dudes, we're in a room and you're picking the guy that isn't like you and has a quality that you don't think you have. So let me tell you a different thing that you could be looking for. You could be looking for someone like you. Someone that would get you. Someone that would value your qualities.

Okay. How did the two shy people meet? At a party.

You start looking for that.

Yeah.

Instead of looking for the one who's not like you because you think you have a flaw and he's gonna fix it. Can you see the problem there?

I do.

I mean, it's a tiny problem in the beginning. It is a gigantic problem. A year or two later, that's a big problem.

Uh huh. Yeah. In my marriage that was like one of the things that he would always bring out. You're not outgoing enough.

You're like, you were supposed to fix that in me. That was my deal.

Yeah.

It doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Dang it. So. So imagine going into a room and looking for the person just like you. What would that. What would he look like? How would you spot?

Well, he'd probably be talking to one other person.

There you go.

And I think he would be like the kind person.

Yeah. Yeah. The kind person that doesn't need an audience and isn't joking around, isn't outgoing. How does that feel?

You can't see me right now, I don't think. But I'm just like smiling. I'm like, that feels so good. Like, that sounds so great.

Doesn't that just sound easier?

Yeah.

Trying to find your missing piece and be fixed through a relationship just feels terrible to me. It's so much easier to just like meet on the same. On the same field. Like, oh, I think we're alike. We understand the same thing. You're kind. I'm kind. You're kind of shy. I'm kind of shy. You like to talk to one person.

I like to talk to one person.

I want to be the person you're talking to.

Yeah. I never realized that is my type. And that's just an. A belief that I had about myself. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really interesting this, like, put yourself in a room with a hundred guys when you're single because you kind of know. You'll know. Like, mine was always. Mine was. Oh, the cocky guy. Like, he was kind of like the alpha cocky. And I used the word cocky. Yeah. That is not. It's not good. It's not good to be like this broken, wounded person that's barely breathing. Going for the cocky guy in the room like this. This ends up in disaster over and over and over. And then it wasn't Until I really changed that. And so you, you do have the ability to, on purpose, start practicing being attracted to different qualities. We are naturally going to be attracted to what feels like home to us. And what feels like home when you came from not so great is not good. That's not good for people to rely on that, you know? And I would say that, oh, it feels like. He feels like home. He feels like home. Yeah. That's not, that's not the goal when you come from some severe abuse or severe dysfunction or from an alcoholic home or from this. If it feels like home, that, that means don't go there.

Yeah.

Because there is this familiarity when you have this, this lifetime baggage behind you. Right. So it needs to feel. If you're coming and you're trying to break a pattern, it needs to feel unfamiliar, not like home. Okay. So unfamiliar, like I'm in a new pattern. This feels unfamiliar, but it is a constant check in with your body. Constant, constant, constant. So I want to put you against the funny guy, the funny outgoing guy. And can you check your body? What does that feel like to be in your body? What happens in your body next to a guy like that?

So I have like a tightness in my stomach.

Yeah.

Hold my gut, which is home.

That's home. Yeah. Tight gut, stomach. So what emotion do you think that is?

I think I would have said in the past it's like excitement, but I think maybe, I don't know, maybe like fear. Yeah.

It'S like the protect, run, danger. So now put your body next to somebody who's just talking to one person who isn't the life of the party seems kind of. What, what is the body response there?

I'm like, I'm like tearing up. Yeah. I feel like it's like a heart feeling, a softness in my heart.

Why do you think it makes you tear up?

I don't know. Maybe because I. It's. I'm sure that's just like a sadness of like I've been. I've been like looking for something for so long, but I don't. I didn't know what it was.

Yeah. So is the sadness like you don't have what you want or is it just a. An awareness that this is what I want?

I think it's an awareness. Yeah. And it's like, it, it is sad that I haven't, I haven't ever gotten that.

Not yet.

Not yet. Not yet.

So the feeling when you imagined being next to it was a heartfelt and your eyes started to tear up. So I Know this doesn't sound sexy at all, but that is the feeling you need to be looking for.

Okay.

Stomach clenched, needing to feel protected, like you can run and defend is not the sign for the good partner for you. Like what you actually want is this heart swelling, eyes tearing up. It's a different feeling feeling. And that is very body based. So this means you will never get this through an app. Just so you know, dating apps don't give you body feelings. Dating apps are completely mind centered. It's only mind voice doing the dating. And mind isn't a good mate picker. You know, we evolved as animals. We've evolved forever and ever and ever to pick our mates. Body instinct, body picked mate. That's just how it always has been. So to try to override the body instinct, you need to know what it feels like to be next to this human. Really before you even consider whether or not you're going to date him. It's like a 100% body gets to decide. And so what you're looking for is my stomach clench. Really? Truly. This is what it. You go on a date and you're like sitting there. Is my stomach clenched? Am I getting that weird heart swell feeling? Like, am I feeling like if I really let myself be here, do I want to tear up? Those are, those are the two poles for you. And you just keep checking in with your body, with your body, with your body, with your body all night long. And it's not about whether he likes you or not. And it's not about if he's funny or not. It's not about anything like that. It's like, what does my body feel like to be next to him?

Okay, I'm gonna ask a question.

Yes.

And this is for all the single ladies out there.

Meadow, bring it.

I'm sure they might be thinking it too. So if I'm not on a dating app.

Uh huh. Yeah. I don't know. They all hide under rocks. There are no men anywhere ever.

They're all on dating apps. Yeah. But seriously, like I do. I am not on dating apps. And I'm to the point where it's like I want to be going on dates but I don't know how to find them out in the world.

Yeah, no, I, believe me, I was, I was miserably single for like 10 years. It was like I just wanted it to end. I was the worst date here. I like, I'm just so much better in a relationship.

So like can I go on a dating app and then meet them in person? And then make the decision after I have that.

You can, but you're. You might be missing the one that would actually. Your body would respond to. So, like, how.

How would I know? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you're basically putting your mind in charge. Go for it. I mean, I have heard of people that have met this way. It isn't impossible. But I'm telling you, as far as evolution goes, 99.99% of all humans ever have met person to person in real life. That's how it went down. So I know it seems weird, but real life is happening. And so this is. This is kind of what I want you to think. It's a fun. It's a fun thing. So all single ladies, listen, think about if you were going to have the best story about how you met. Like, this is a story. Like, if you're meeting the one. Right. You only have to meet one more guy. That's it. You go on one more first date. If this was the last one, the last guy you met, the last first date you went on, how would you like to meet him?

How would I like to meet him? Yeah.

What would be the best way to meet him?

I.

Feel like I'm swoops in on a white horse.

Oh, no. I have, like, fantasies of like, we bumped into each other on the subway.

Yes. Like that. But that's a. That's a valid. That's what I mean. Like, if that's like, that's the story that I would love to have. If that's true for you, I would much rather you spend all of your life on a subway with a little sign I'm single. You know, Like, I would rather you invest in that than swiping. Swiping, swiping.

It's so time consuming. Yeah. I don't want that. I do want to meet, like, in person. Like, I want to be living my life and like, maybe I meet him at a yoga at the yoga studio or.

That's what I'm asking. Yes. Do you want to meet him at a yoga? On the subway, in cooking class, outside of museum? I don't know, like in real life where you would naturally be. Because if he's a good match to you, he will be there too.

Great. Yeah. No, that's. Yeah. Sorry, my roommate's cat is talking to. Yes. I think that is. That's what has stopped me from getting on dating apps.

Yes.

Since my last breakup is because I'm like, I just don't want that storyline. No.

And if you don't want that Storyline. Don't begin that storyline.

Right. That's just one more way of settling for me at least.

Yes, it is. It is. If it doesn't feel good to you. If it doesn't feel good and some people don't have a stigma around you don't, fine, whatever. You're still not dating with your body. And then, yeah, swipe, swipe, swipe. Go out, meet, feel your body, be in the chair. Make sure you're feeling what's going on. And then like, does it feel safe across the board? This person needs to feel safe. Really safe. Body safe.

Yeah.

So that's, that's what I, that's what I know. You know, like, when I was dating, there wasn't, There weren't apps. Like iPhones were barely like apps. There weren't dating apps. Like, I didn't, I was pre bumbled and all that kind of stuff. But match.com was a thing. And I just, I remember thinking like, there was like one person I met and we went on a couple dates and it's like, I don't, like, I'm like embarrassed that this is how we met. And I could feel it in me, like, this isn't a good thing if I'm embarrassed about how we met this. Like, what are we gonna do? Like, change the story or whatever. Like, I could feel we're just gonna lie. And we did. We went to a dinner and it was like his boss and he told the person that he had met me through my blog, which wasn't true. And it's like, oh, he's embarrassed too. This isn't good. This isn't how a great foundation is made. But I do know people that have met online and that is how. And it worked. So in general, though, I'm going to say rules of evolution are in real life and instinctual, really instinctual. There are smells, there are pheromones, there are all kinds of little things that your body is picking up from another human being that you just, you need that evolution in place to be like, yep, that's a good one. That's not a good one. We're not a match. We are a match.

Right? And as someone who has historically just lived in my head and not my body, right. Like, I just found out how to body four years ago.

So many of my students say that. Yeah, I know, I know. You have a body. Actually, the one that should be dating, he's very intelligent when it comes to dating and it's kind of exciting. So this is kind of. Rather than allowing yourself to go to a dating app, because if you're settling, you're gonna meet other people that are also on dating apps. And maybe, yes, they're desperate, too. Like, there is a guy out there that wants to meet you just as much as you want to meet him. I promise. He's out there. He's living. He's, like, living his life right now. He's breathing out there right now. It's happening. He's already born. He's there. So really, it's like, how do I put myself into the space where I recognize him? So this is what is really cool, is you start to have a relationship to him or you meet him, you have a relationship with this person because you already know the story you want to have.

Okay, so tell me a little bit about what that.

So, for me, it was like, when I really got my mind around the fact that he's out there, he's living his life. Like, am I living in a way that I would be proud to tell him? Like, yeah, this is what I was doing the day before I met you. Or, this is what I'm doing the day I meet you. Or this is the date I'm on instead of being on the date with you, because we're going to be in the restaurant looking at each other. Like, I didn't know where I was going to meet him. I just knew that I had, like, bar that I had had pretty low. But when I thought about, oh, no, I'm actually already in relationship to this person that I really, really care about. I wanted to live my life in a way that I was proud of and that I would be proud of when I met. I don't. I don't know if that's making sense to you, but. But it was more like, he's just past the horizon. You just can't see him right now. So what if you just refuse to date anybody until you know it's him?

Yeah, that. I think that would be really a really powerful way to live. And. But. And with that, I'm thinking if I'm already in a relationship with him and I haven't met him, all of a sudden I have an abundance mindset.

Yes.

Yeah. Because it's awesome.

Yeah.

He's already there.

He's already there. And it's really interesting because now I'm in this relationship, and I can see, like, three years, you know, when we go back three years before I met him, it's like, oh, I didn't meet him because he was doing this and he was doing this, and he was doing this. He had all these things that were lined up and needed to happen first. And it was like, I can clearly see that. I just waited and it's okay. It's good.

Yeah.

Like, you don't want to meet somebody that's still married. You don't want to meet somebody that's like, just met somebody else. Right. You don't want. You want this person when they're free and clear and ready.

Yeah. This is, like, totally shifts my mindset.

Good. So, yes, you do. The hundred guys, you pick one, you go, oh, yeah, I can't. I literally have to turn off the attraction switch that I cannot be attracted to anymore. And I have to really learn to filter for this other one and keep conscious about that. And then I date with my body. I'm already in relationship to this person. What is the story I really want to have? What is our beginner story, beginning story? What do I want that to sound like and be? And then. Then you have to put yourself into the world, and you just have to keep going places every single day. Like a new place every single day. Because we are creatures of habit. And if you haven't already found him in your little tiny habits, that means you need a new place. And then you add another one. And then you add another one. And so that was kind of my thing is, like, every single day didn't really work. Some mom. And it was like every weekend I just tried to do something new. Take a new class, go to this concert, whatever, you know, go to this place. Place. Go on a walk there instead of there. Like, just every time just being, like, something that's naturally that I wanted to do, but also, like, just a little bit outside my comfort zone, because I knew I wasn't going to meet him on my couch watching Netflix, because so far I hadn't. So I knew I had to get my butt off that couch and do something. Right. But then I just kept doing things that I liked. And then you end up meeting somebody who does things you like, which is great.

Yeah. But.

Yeah, every day or five times a day, five times a week, or every Friday night, you just. That's my day that I go out and I deliberately try to go put myself in new places. So this goes for dating. This also goes for making new friends, too. It's just this idea that they're not gonna. Unless you want to date your FedEx guy, they're not coming to you. You have to be out in the world, and you don't have to meet one Thousand guys, you just need one. So, like, think about the story backwards. Five years from now, where are you guys at? Four years from now, where are you guys at? Three years, two years, one year, and it's like, that's all written. That's already happening. So just where do I need to be today, tomorrow, the next day? What does that feel like?

It feels like this, like, weight is lifted from me.

Can you articulate what the weight was?

I think it was like this sense of like, urgency. I'm running out of time. I need to hurry up and find a partner.

That's like, that's just so, you know, they love that.

Yeah, but that is what I mean. I think that is what is like. No, like, there is an abundance. Like, there's an abundance of time. Like, you have plenty of time. Just keep living your life and doing things you love.

And well, by doing that, that's the only way you're going to meet him. That, that's, that's the thing that is like, oh, I just be myself. Oh, I just live my life. That is the only way I end up with capital T, capital O, the one. Right. That. That's the only way. There is no other way to meet him.

Right.

You can't contrive it. You can't make it happen faster than it's going to happen. You can't put an ad in the New York Times. Like, I mean, you can, but it's not gonna. It's not gonna be the road that you're really wanting team to go down.

Right.

So if the road is. Yeah, we met on the subway. Tell me what he's doing on the subway. Is he telling jokes with lots of people looking at him and laughing?

No, I think maybe he's like helping someone out. Maybe like someone's lost or like someone's. I don't know, weird things happen on the subway. Maybe someone fainted and he, like, he caught them.

I love it. He laid down his jacket over a puddle. That's the one. Yes, yes, yes. But can you feel that? Like, can you look for that quality of kindness?

Yeah, but you're like, you're right. It takes like taking my attention off of the guy who's telling jokes so that I can catch the other guy.

Yes. The other guy's been there the whole time. You miss him when you're looking for the shiny anxiety producing object. How about, are you worthy of that guy who just helped somebody who painted?

Yeah, I think so.

Why?

I think because that is. That's the guy that I want in my life. And everyone deserves to have what they want in their life.

Are you a kind person that would help somebody if they fainted?

Yeah.

See, you would see kindness in another person, and you see kindness in yourself. Yeah. Mm. Yeah. You see how. How much more grounded that feels than trying to see something you don't recognize in yourself?

Yeah, it. Yeah, it feels. Yeah. So much lighter.

Yeah. Because you. You. It's like you already know that language. You know the language of kindness? You understand that one?

Yeah. I don't have to be anyone else. I don't have to be someone.

No, no, you just get to be your nice self and. And that person, he'll recognize that in you. So what does your body feel like right now?

Yeah, So I am like. I am, like, sitting at attention. Well, it's like I'm. I'm sitting in my worth right now. My. I mean, my shoulders are, like, tall and broad and.

Good.

Yeah.

And that. I like that you said sitting at attention because it's almost. It's a more grounded. You know how you said it? I used to say it felt like excitement. Like, this is a different aspect of excitement. It's not that fear. Anxious. I don't think. No, it's more grounded and attentive.

Yes.

Good, good. So tell me, what's your first activity? Where are you gonna go? What are you gonna do?

Oh, my first activity. Okay. I am going to go to a workshop this weekend on Saturday, Sunday. It's through my grad school program. And. Yeah.

All right.

Watch and see.

Okay. And you're looking. You know who to look for. Now.

You know who to look for, and.

You'Re going to tell me how it goes.

Okay.

So. Yeah, yeah. So what I really want you to hear is this process isn't about trying to shape shift yourself to meet somebody else's needs. It's really how to filter for what exactly you need and want and desire and how to filter out the rest.

Right.

And so you become really clear. This. And then I have permission to want this. I am allowed to want this. I'm allowed to have this. I am worth this. Mm.

Yeah, I read that. I forget where either was the other podcast or. Oh, yeah, it was. I think it was a podcast that you released recently. And the lady was talking about origami. Mm. Trying to fit someone. That's exactly how it. Dating has helped to me.

Yes, yes, yes. Right. So do you see? This is a whole different way. This is like you're. You're just basically looking through this little. Like, I already have my shape. I'm not changing my shape. Are you a match to this shape? That's all I'm looking for. Mm.

Yeah.

And then check in with that body. Am I scared if he scares me? This isn't good for me. I'm not that early. Love isn't scary, but it's a different kind of scare. You won't have body if your body is worried or scared. Your body is what remembers all the childhood stuff. So that's why you need to check in with it. Because your brain's gonna be like, yes. Feels like home. And your body's like, I'm fucking terrified. So you need to listen to the body there.

Yes. Which I think you had even said, like, earlier when I was dating, like, go to the bathroom, check in with your body. Yeah. As a way to help.

Yeah. I had a really. That's. That's. That's when everything changed for me when I. When I did that. And it's like, oh, relaxed. Not relaxed. Relaxed. Not relaxed. Relaxed. Not relaxed. Okay. All right. I get it.

Yeah. And I think for me, just holding tight to that boundary with myself of, like, saying no when my body is telling me to.

Yeah. Believe in the body, believing all of its wisdom. It knows so much more than you could possibly know. Really. Truly. I mean, have you ever had, like, food poisoning where your body just knew. Needed to not have that food in it? That's not a conscious thinking thing that happens. Right. Your body's like, I'm dying. This must get out. It knows things.

Yeah.

That you don't know. So. And this is one of them. Cool.

Oh, my goodness. I gotta go, Meadow. I gotta go live my life.

Go live your life. Go on a walk. Go on a subway. Go get on that damn subway. Thank you guys so much for listening. I hope that was helpful. I will be back next week with a whole new client to talk to. If you'd like to be a guest on the show and get advice from me, go to meadowdivore.com getadvice to fill out the form. And it gives you bunches of topics that you can look at and see. Oh, yeah. To let you know what I'm looking for and what we're looking for for the team that's putting together this podcast. In the meantime, have a great, great day. Sa.