Surviving the Vulnerability Hangover: Finding Your Self-Worth

You know what a vulnerability hangover is? It's that gut wrenching feeling that pops up after you've maybe shared your true self, your true desires, something personal about you, and you feel exposed and embarrassed about what you've shared. Stay with me. There are four key steps to handling a vulnerability hangover so you can bounce back stronger and build self worth. First, you need to get clear on the threat. The definition of vulnerability is openness or susceptibility to attack or harm. So if you think about vulnerability, it's really one part shame and one part fear. Two of my least favorite feelings. Fear is designed to be uncomfortable. It's meant to keep you safe when you're feeling open to harm or open to attack, or feeling uncertain about how someone viewed you, or your mind clicks into overdrive to try to control the outcome. What fear wants is for you to get clear on the threat, to batten down the hatches, to watch the perimeter, to like, look for the bad guys on the horizon. It wants to keep danger at bay. So for the fear part, what you need to ask yourself is what exactly is in danger and what is threatened? Now, shame is designed also to be uncomfortable. It's meant to help you stay connected to your social groups. It's about uncertainty or danger within your social connection. Shame wants you to belong, it wants you to be safe in your connections, and it wants to keep you from being ostracized. So for the shame part, you need to ask yourself what connection has been threatened and what is in danger. So when you're having this vulnerability hangover you're feeling, first part, fear, get clear on the threat, get clear on the danger. And then second part, shame, which is a type of fear, it's really about the social connection. So what, so social connection or what social group am I maybe being threatened from being ostracized from? Step two is to assess what's been shared. So maybe you're feeling vulnerable because your ideal image is being threatened. In which case like that's that idea of who you're supposed to be and how great you're supposed to be, or you know, that I'm supposed to look put together, I'm never supposed to have bad feelings. I'm not supposed to be failing at something. So that is the ideal image. So is that the part that's being threatened? Is that the fear, like I might be not seen as this ideal that I'm trying to put forward? Or are you feeling vulnerable because your true self is being threatened? Did you actually share something really true about who you are, what you feel, very exposing, and that's your true self. And it's, like, kind of scary because I don't usually share that part. I try to put the image out front, and now here's the real, and somebody saw the real. So once you determine, okay, I'm feeling vulnerable, or have this kind of vulnerability attack because I shared either something that might tarnish my image, in which case we'll work on that, or second, because I shared something true, either way, you could feel vulnerable. But it's important for you to know which aspect of self is being threatened. Number three, you want to understand your intentions. Go back and go, what did I share that for? Why did I say that? And not to beat yourself up. It's really to understand, was I trying to connect or was I trying to maybe get some sympathy? Like, what was the intention behind this feeling? Now that feels like you overshared, but in the moment, what kind of drove you to do it? And then I want you to look at that intention and run it through these three questions. Was it true? Did you share something true? Was it kind to you and to the person? Did you share something kind about yourself? Did you share something kind about the world? Did you share something that brings kindness to others? And then three, was it necessary? The three that. Number three, one is the hard one. Because sometimes you're going to be in this vulnerability hangover, and you're going to be like, no, it was not necessary. And no, I don't want to feel like this. And I wish I never said that. I'm not wanting you to go back and beat yourself up. I'm wanting you to really understand. Okay, in that moment, I was feeling like I wanted to connect to this person. I shared something that maybe felt like I would get a little bit of sympathy or a little bit of love or a little bit of connection. Now, sometimes you don't get that feeling back from that person. You're like, crap, I shared too much. I said the wrong thing. And now it's just kind of out there. So when you go back and look, was it true if it wasn't true, and it was kind of an exaggeration or kind of a, mmm, a little ego thing or whatever. The goal is to try to correct your future conversations so that you at least don't lie and try to say something true. And then the next thing is, was it kind? Try to say something kind. Now, in the moment when you're talking to someone, this is a great check. True, kind. And then the next One is necessary. So when you're only saying what is necessary and you know the intention behind it, like I'm trying to build trust with this person. I'm trying to see if they're like friend material. I'm trying to see if we get each other, great, wonderful, but keep it to true, kind and necessary. And then the fourth step is to learn and let go. To build self worth, you have to stop managing what other people think of you. You have to stop managing whether or not your ideal image is intact. You have to stop managing other people in general and start investing in what is true for you. So at this point, if you're in a vulnerability, hangover, or when you are in one, you simply have to wait for feedback. So you don't go try to fix it. You don't go try to manage it. You don't try to control what they think about you. You don't try to go apologize for what you said or you know, all that kind of micromanaging of another person or of the conversation that you already had. Instead, you sit with yourself, you feel that discomfort. You try to learn from what you said. Was it good, was it true, was it kind, was it necessary, great. If not, I'll do better in the future. And then you wait for feedback. You wait and you do your very best to try to trust that other person on the other side and wait for their feedback. Do they respond back to you? Do they reach back to you? Did they nod? Did they hear you? Did they pull away? Now that doesn't mean anything bad about you. That's really showing. Like, okay, this is the kind of person that might not want to connect in this way. This is the kind of person that really might want to connect in this way. And from that feedback you determine whether they are a person that you can trust with your innermost vulnerabilities. You wait for the feedback before you share more. Even in real time, when you're having these conversations, if you're on a date or if you're at a dinner party or whatever and you're, you kind of dip your toe in and you're like, oh, I'm going to share something real about myself. You wait, did they share something back? If not, right then? And there you go, okay, that's where we stop. This is, I'm, I'm not going to keep going further. I'm not going to sell my vulnerabilities to this other person and hope they catch it. No, because that's going to make you feel bad. So you're watching in real time. I shared this, they shared that back. Okay, maybe I'll share this and maybe they'll share that back. Now if you're after the fact, no big deal. Just go back and think, okay, what was the feedback? What did I miss or what did I not see? And maybe it's positive or maybe it's negative, but just learn from it. If they're not someone that you can share your vulnerabilities with, just move on and let go. You don't have to fix it, you don't have to manage it. Just know, okay, that's not a safe space for me. If it is a safe space for you and you did receive feedback that felt good to you, then you appreciate the trust. You appreciate the person. You appreciate that they gave you feedback and they met you there. And that is the kind of relationship that you want to be invested in. And that's also the kind of relationship that you want to feel comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities, even if you're like the next day. So if you're feeling that overwhelming gut punch after a deep conversation and you're having that kind of hangover feeling after you maybe overshared or you're not really sure where you stand, this is what you do. Number one, you get clear on the threat. You break it into two parts. One part is fear. What is being threatened, what is in danger. Second part is shame. What connection has been threatened? Number two, assess what was shared. Are you feeling vulnerable because you maybe tarnished a little bit of your ideal image? If so, let it go. Are you feeling vulnerable because you shared really your true self and you're a little bit feeling exposed? If so, that's where you have to just dig into surrender and trust. The truth is out there. You showed up. The worst that can happen is they don't meet you back. And the best that can happen is someone saw who you really were and they get to know you even better. Number three, understand your intentions, go back, review and try to figure out and be real with yourself. What was the actual intention of sharing in the first place? Was it true, was it kind and was it necessary? And number four, learn and let go. To build self worth, you have to stop managing what other people think of you. Instead of beating yourself up for what was shared, wait for feedback. Determine if this is someone that you can trust based on that feedback with your innermost vulnerabilities. If not, move on and let go. It's over. If yes, appreciate that safe space. Know you made a connection learn from this feeling of this vulnerability hangover. Maybe readjust and go a little bit slower next time. That way you can be a little bit more careful with yourself going forward so that you don't have such a hangover. And as you build this skill, you'll get better and better at sharing what's true, sharing what's necessary, going slowly, watching for feedback, and little by little, you not only connect better to other people, but you also build self worth. So I want to know about you. Which one is harder for you? Shame or fear? If you had to pick one, which one would you choose? Let me know in the comments.