The Shocking Truth About What Self-Worth Really Feels Like...

Hey there. This is Meadow Devore, author of the Worthy Project. And I teach tools to help you build self worth. So today I want to knock out what self worth actually is because I think so many of my clients and readers, they imagine that self worth is something that it's not. So you know how when you go to a dinner party where you don't know very many people and that feeling of feeling self conscious or insecure and you might tell yourself, oh man, you know, if I had self worth, I wouldn't feel insecure. That's not true. Insecurity or self consciousness is just being conscious of yourself. So self worth is actually valuing yourself, knowing that you have value, knowing that you are worth something. So in the Worthy project, let me read it to you. I say worthiness is the quality of deserving attention, energy and respect. So the quality of deserving attention, energy and respect. So that doesn't mean that you do have attention. It doesn't mean that people are giving you energy and respect. It means that you have the quality and that you know you deserve that or you know that you're valuable enough to have that. So I talk about self worth kind of. I mean, honestly, when I'm working with a client, I tell them it's kind of like holding plank. Self worth feels like that. It is not this like, oh my God, I'm so amazing, look how beautiful I am. I'm amazing at everything I do. It feels much more like plank position, like that high push up position. And you're just holding it. And what you're holding it against is the buckling into making other people's feelings, thoughts, goals more important than yours. And so it's holding that I am valuable here and I'm going to hold my value without shoveling it towards somebody else. So for instance, say you're really worried about your kids. And so you give and you give and you give and you think and you think and you think and you give all of this energy or self, you know, the currency of self out to this idea. And so you lose value. Believe it or not, you lose self worth by doing that if you have forgotten yourself in, in the meantime. So to build self worth, you have to actually be conscious of self. Not in an insecure way, but you have to be conscious of your true self, who you really are, what you really want, what you feel, what you think. So you could, let's put you back in that party. We're sitting next to each other and we're both feeling that self conscious feeling. So what is the antidote to that? And what does self worth feel like? It feels like I am, I have the quality I am worth energy, time and respect rather than oh God, I hope so and so sees me like this or I hope so and so sees me like that or I hope they like me or I hope I appear nice or I hope I sound smart or I hope I seem likable. It's more as you are that that feeling of holding playing position. As I am, I am worth knowing as. As I am, I am worth having a conversation with. As I am, I am worth just sitting here also and not having to do any kind of song and dance to please people. So it's more like that. Often I'll tell people that what it feels like isn't this great feeling. It's just the lack of the painful feeling. So if you can go back to that idea of like that insecure feeling, you know, that's a really just sticky, sticky yucky feeling. Self worth feels like that's just gone. So it's not really a thing. It's not really a tangible feeling or a tangible expression of how you're living. It's more that all the static is gone, the insecurities gone, the self consciousness gone, the worthlessness is gone. So the quality of deserving energy, attention and respect. So attention means literally thinking about yourself. You deserve to think about yourself, to know yourself. You deserve to give yourself energy, to keep energy without giving it to others. Unless you have extra you, you deserve respect. And so it's just that simple way of walking through the world knowing not that everybody's going to like you, you don't need that. Not that everybody's going to think you're fabulous, you don't need that. It's more that you are this neutral way of being in the world that deserves just to take up space. And believe me, I know maybe if you're like me, that's impossible to even imagine because it was so, so, so hard for me to feel like that or even imagine that. So when I used to go to a dinner party or a party or anywhere, what I would mostly be focused on is how can I impress? Oh good lord, I spent so much time trying to impress people, thinking about ways to impress, trying to be smart, witty, funny, pretty, happy, you know, whatever. I was constantly trying to put out this image that would be likable. So I would feel exhausted. I would also feel very like I'm watching constantly. Like I had a thousand different sensory detectors on me to see like am I doing well? Are they liking me? Am I not? You know, how do I need to. Do I need to dance faster? Do I need to talk slower? You know, like, how do I make these people like me? And. Or I would walk in thinking they're not gonna like me or they're not going to be nice to me, or they're going to see, like, how flawed I am or how I mean, really, like the worst part of my life in as far as worthlessness was after getting a divorce and feeling so broken. I remember actually going back and reading the Scarlet Letter, because that's what I felt like. I felt like Hester Prynne. I felt like I had a big letter on my chest that stood for divorce and meant, you are a failure and you are not loved or you are broken. Everybody knows it. So when I would go to parties, either I would flip into this Persona that I could pull off and it was kind of like acting and I acted like my outgoing self to get through it, or I felt like I had this very flawed, very vulnerable, I could be hurt easily and that people knew that. So I felt wounded and naked with that. So fast forward now. How do I do this different? Well, one, I don't go to a lot of dinner parties. No. Maybe I live in Big Sur. My nearest neighbor is like still a 15 minute drive away. So what, what I actually do when I go is I remove any kind of expectation that I need to give energy to other people for them to like me so that exchange isn't happening anymore. I don't feel like I have to do something for you to be worth your time at all. I know I can't do that anymore. And I also know that's how I devalued myself a million times over. So I'll go in and what I am now thinking about is the other person. Are they interesting? Are they insecure? Are they kind? Do they seem vulnerable? So instead of being all focused on me, am I crazy like I was? I'm much more able to compassionately witness people. And also for me to watch people from this place of I don't even know if I want you to like me. Which is radical. I mean, so different than I used to be, but it's very freeing. And, you know, I don't go into these situations going, oh, I have to convince you to, that I'm likable. I'm going into these situations like, I'm going to check you out. Maybe you're interesting or maybe you're not, or maybe you're kind or maybe you're not or maybe you're fun, maybe you're not. And I'm going to watch you and I'm going to figure out kind of how I feel about you. So that's much more what worthiness feels like. It's like that strong standing in my plank, you know, holding my core and holding to myself without jumping out of myself to go try to perform for somebody else. So that's what I want you to try. Whatever situation you're feeling insecure, see what you can do to not basically not think about yourself or your ideal self and more think about being a very neutral witness to the feedback or to what you're seeing or to how people are operating around you. Thanks for listening you guys. If you find this helpful please share with your friends. And if you'd like to know more about me, my courses, my books or about privately coaching with me, please go to my website meadowdivore. Com.