The Wrong Way to Set Boundaries

How would you feel if you got a text right now that simply says, are you okay? Would it warm your heart? Would it trigger a sinking feeling of guilt? Or would you feel annoyed? I wanted to get to the bottom of this to see if my reaction is completely abnormal or to see if I'm justified because there's something more sinister going on here. In the past month, I've gotten this type of text from two different people. And in both cases, my immediate response was irritation. And it made me wonder, have I always been annoyed by this? Is it okay to be annoyed by this? So I searched my history and what I found is both embarrassing and enlightening and tells you everything you need know about how to handle this type of text. But first, let's go back in time to the days before texting to a story about my neighbor Margie. She was brand new to town and I wanted to be friendly and to welcome her to the neighborhood. Her son was about the same age as my daughter, so I invited them over for a small play date in my backyard. And then the next day there was a knock at my door and Margie wanted to see if we could get the kids together. And then the next same thing. Hi. Then after school drop off, she showed up with a cup of coffee, just wanting to chat. As the days went by, I found myself doing mental gymnastics to justify Margie's constant visits. Told myself, she's new, she's just being friendly. And I was like ignoring that uneasy feeling that started to settle in. And that's when I missed the first crucial warning sign. The intention behind her visits. Was she reaching out for my benefit or hers? Of course, the visits and the coffee were couched as just being friendly, same as these are you okay texts. But I didn't even stop to really look at what was going on. Instead, I felt guilty and obligated and just wanted to avoid an awkward conversation. Before we get into how weird this all got, we first want to say I'm not proud of how I handled this, nor am I condoning my behavior. I am completely aware that this might sound like grade A mean girl tactics. However, when you're empathic conflict avoidant, people pleaser like me, these are the types of problems you end up having. And it's not because you're mean, it's actually because you're trying so hard not to be mean. So back to Margie. I worked from home and I felt like a sitting duck. I just wanted to hide. So I stopped opening my curtains in the morning and I'd sprint in my car if I had to run an errand. And I stopped answering the front door. And she'd knock, and I'd just pretend I wasn't home. And it didn't stop there. After a few weeks of going to comical, even extravagant lengths to dodge a neighbor, all because I didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation, I had this idea. I'll find my own sanctuary. So I proceeded to join a private beach club where I could finally relax and escape the ongoing Margie saga. I then proceeded to have a splendid week and a half, lounging in the sun, thinking that I'd finally figured out how to escape this guilt and dread. When I kid you not, I hear Margie's voice. Hi, neighbor. As she placed her towels and beach bag on the lounge next to mine. I heard you were a member of this club, so I just joined. And this brings me to the next point. If an invitation to engage makes you feel uncomfortable, guilty, or burdened, that is a red flag. It's a sign that the person wants something that you don't want to give. For example, emotional or mental resources that you may not wish to spare, like time, attention, and effort. So here I was, using a beach club membership to run away when the issue was so glaringly obvious. And even though I was terrible at enforcing my boundaries, Margie was equally terrible at honoring them. If someone is persistently trying to engage with you and it's making you feel uncomfortable to the point where you're considering extreme measures, that's your emotional warning system telling you that your boundaries are being crossed. So instead of confronting her, I ran away again, this time back home, where I proceeded to go through the real estate section, thinking I should just move to a new house. These were the old days, you know, with the red pen. And I'm circling a few options in the newspaper, and I hear footsteps and storming up my walkway, followed by incessant pounding on my front door. It's Margie shouting, I know you're in there. And that's when I finally had to face the music. And this was no longer about Margie. This was about me failing to understand a crucial concept. If you feel dread when you're dealing with a text or a Margie, it might be because that person isn't your intimate friend yet. They're behaving as though they're entitled to that level of closeness. This mismatch can create unease, and it might feel like an invasion of your emotional space without proper boundaries. All of along, I had been allowing Margie to fast track a friendship that I was not comfortable with. Now I know how important it is to take time with friendships, or any relationships for that matter. You have every right to decide the frequency, the depth, or even the style of intimacy that you're willing to engage in. I also know that the more you dodge or avoid, the bigger the problem you create for yourself. Which is exactly what happened with Margie. So back to Margie pounding on the door. I finally have to do what I should have done weeks before I open the door. Margie, clearly hurt, asked why I had been so friendly at first, only to become so rude later. I took a deep breath and I finally was honest with her. I explained that as a single mom running a business from home, I didn't have the time or the emotional bandwidth for new relationships. It was a very uncomfortable conversation to have, but it was one that was necessary. This was a huge learning lesson for me because when I was finally clear, Margie understood and things actually changed. So, back to that text. Are you okay? If you find yourself uneasy or downright annoyed by a text like this, don't second guess yourself. Trust your feelings. That's your internal alarm system telling you that something's off. Don't ignore it. And don't hide under your covers. Just act on it. Ask yourself these three critical questions. One, is this person reaching out for their benefit or mine? Two, is this an invitation to engage that I actually want to accept? And three, does this person presume a level of intimacy that hasn't been earned or agreed upon? Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you can't engage. However, if you choose to respond, keep it simple and direct. A simple all good or. Yep, with a thumbs up. No guilt, no shame. You're not a bad person for setting boundaries. In fact, you're taking control of your life. And if anyone makes you feel guilty for that question, why they're in your circle to begin with. You have the right to protect your own emotional space. Own that right and do it without guilt.