This 5-second test exposes a narcissist

Have you ever wondered if there's a quick and easy way to check if someone's a narcissist? Whether it's a boss or co worker or someone you've just met, or even somebody that you've cared about for a long time, when you're dealing with a narcissist, the goal is not only to spot them as early as possible, but to actively repel them. And this can save you years of manipulation, stress and emotional abuse. If you're an empathetic, giving and caring person, this test is crucial because you're exactly the type of person they target. A spent the last 20 years researching the connection between self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author and someone who's lived these challenges firsthand, I know how devastating a narcissist can be. In this video, I'll share a simple 5 second test that you can use anywhere at any time, real life examples for how to use it, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation. Let's begin by breaking down the mindset of a narcissist so you have a clear picture of their motivation and who they target. And imagine you're at a dinner party, or maybe at work or at a family function. First, let's look at your mindset in these kind of situations. Maybe you're looking for someone that you can connect with, or someone who seems likable or friendly. Or perhaps you're feeling insecure and you hope to blend in. You might also see somebody laughing and carefree and feel drawn towards them. Now for contrast, I want you to step into the dark and empty world of a narcissist. Narcissists are fragile and desperate, which makes them feel fierce predators, but luckily very predictable. To best understand them, imagine you're a predator on the hunt. They need their next meal or they will not survive. When you're this desperate, you're not looking for connection or kindness. At every dinner party, work meeting, date or family holiday, you have two questions in mind. Who will give me what I want and how quickly will they give it to me? So what do they actually want? Narcissistic supply, which is essentially time, attention and energy that narcissists use to feed their ego and artificially boost boost their sense of self. This can come in the form of praise, sympathy, emotional reactions, or even the control that they can exert over others. Without this supply, their fragile sense of self crumbles, leading them to constantly hunt for new sources to maintain their inflated self fantasy. Just like a vampire can't live without blood. A narcissist can't survive without narcissistic supply. Your time, your attention and energy spent reinforcing their personal fantasy. Think of narcissistic supply as currency. Currency as in money, a medium of exchange, a measure of value or a means of payment. And also currency as in electricity, the classic example of energy currency. This is what the narcissist is checking. Will you give me the currency I want? And how quickly will you give it to me? They test for this immediately by pressing on three specific boundaries. The word boundaries gets tossed around a lot, but what does that actually mean for our purposes? Think about boundaries in a certain way. A super simple way. A boundary is a property line around something that you own. This makes sense if you think about a fence around your yard. That's the boundary line. Inside the fence is yours and outside the fence is not yours. The five second test that I'll teach you is designed as the flip side to the narcissist test for you. So first I'll quickly outline the specific way that they test you, what they say and how they check to see if you're a usable target. Narcissists check for supply by pushing against a particular boundary, your invisible fence line around what they want most, your current currency, time, attention and energy. They'll quickly set you up to state your boundary and then they'll gradually push against that line to see if you're willing to bend. This happens so quickly that you might miss it. So here are a couple quick scenarios to help demonstrate. To see if they can cross your time boundaries, they might ask something like what are you doing this afternoon? That's the setup. You might say something like, I don't really have anything planned or I'm pretty worn out and I'm just looking to go home and relax. Your response is the boundary. Now they'll want to see how flimsy this boundary is and they want to see if they can manipulate you into allowing them to cross it. They need your time to reinforce their fragile self image, so they apply as little pressure as possible to see how easily and quickly you'll bend, showing them how useful you'll be to them. They might take a beat or maybe even change the subject before trying to get you to change your plans. They might say, oh, I, that's a bummer. There's a great band playing tonight at the club or at work. They might say, I'm really stressed about this project and I need your input. Their test is first to see if there is a boundary around your time and then to check if you're willing to change it. To see if they can cross your attention boundaries, they'll wait for the moment where you're focused on something else. You might be in a conversation, texting someone, or listening to a presentation. And that's the setup. Your attention is elsewhere. Remember, you own your stream of attention and there's an invisible line between you and your focus. They might say something like, hey, I just need to ask you something real quick. Or they might tap your shoulder. Or they may come into your space to see if they can break your concentration. They might talk over your conversation or stand in between you and the TV show you're watching. This is a test to see if they can divert your attention to feed their need for narcissistic supply. To see if they can cross your energy boundaries, which includes anything that depletes your health and resources. They might target your financial, physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental health. Even though this might sound really difficult to test for, narcissists have spent their whole lives honing these skills and are very adept at finding ways to get their needs met. So this setup is easy to miss. They might forget their wallet, or they might forget you asked for a day off, or act confused when you explain that your feelings are hurt or or insist that you get upset with them over their latest drama. The setup is to put you in an extremely uncomfortable position if you don't give them your energy. For example, if they forgot their wallet, you have to decide whether to protect your energy, monetary currency, or face an uncomfortable situation. This is the boundary violation. They push against the invisible line of what's yours and try to make it theirs. The same goes for forgetting the day off. They put you in a position where you must spend energy explaining or working. This double bind is so uncomfortable that we often give in just to make it go away. And we might think that we didn't explain the boundary well enough or that it's our responsibility to have better boundaries. But here's the deal. They always know where the boundary line is. They are simply checking to see if you will uphold it. Which takes us finally to the actual test. When someone comes close to the lines around your time, attention, or your energy, you are going to smile and say, no, I'm not available for that, or that doesn't work for me. For example, in the time boundary scenario, after they say something like, oh, bummer, there's a great band that's playing at the club tonight. You're going to be friendly and also give A dead end? No. Then you're going to watch what they do. If they have a false smile and are trying to manipulate you, their face will immediately change. Their smile will immediately fall away. They might even become more calculated and up the pressure to see if you're going to bend. An escalation might sound like, oh, I have these two tickets and I'd feel terrible about letting them go to waste. They are testing you here and then you test back. Friendly and engaging. And repeat the boundary. I'm not available. If someone is trying to violate an attention boundary, refuse to give away your power by taking control of the interruption. If you're talking to a friend and someone interrupts, say something like, pardon the interruption to your friend. And then shift the attention to the possible narcissist. I'm in a conversation right now. And then go back to your friend. If you're watching a show, press pause and say, I'm watching this right now. This strategy here is to name the boundary violation, making it clear that they are interrupting and that your attention is your asset and that you're going to protect it. Do not give them your attention. Instead, take an empowered stance with a friendly, firm no. Or I'm already focused on a specific task, or I can't take that on right now. Again, you're going to watch their response, see if their face shifts. See if they have any remorse for the interruption or if they escalate. You'll test in a similar way for the energy boundary violation. This one really comes down to a matter of how long you're willing to be uncomfortable. If they forgot their wallet, you're going to say something like, no problem, you can venmo me. And then you're going to politely smile and wait. This might be super uncomfortable. In fact, a narcissist is counting on the fact that you'd rather pay their bill than have to endure this discomfort. If they're having some sort of emotional tantrum trying to bait you into an energetic investment, refuse to give your emotional energy, refuse to meet them in their tantrum space, and give them a way to interact in a way that isn't violating your boundary, remain calm and friendly and say something like, I trust that you know what's best for you, or I'm confident that you'll figure this out. You. It's the emotional equivalent of not paying their share of the bill. You politely refuse to engage in the tantrum. Just remember, this is a test. They're pushing on your boundaries to see if you will uphold them. This is like A game of chicken. So sit tight and wait to see what happens. Regardless of the situation, this test relies on your ability to spot the boundary violation and then to remain calm and friendly and be willing to be uncomfortable while you wait for the reaction. Remember, do not apologize. That shows that if they work hard enough, they can get you to bend. Do not explain that gives them more information to use against you. Do not justify that shows them that you're uncomfortable saying no. When someone tries to get you to bend your boundaries around your time, attention or energy, follow this simple process to check to see if they might be a narcissist. Smile and say, no, I'm not available for that, or that doesn't work for me, and then count to five in your head while remaining friendly and firm and observe their reaction. A reasonable person will respect your boundary and acknowledge your decision without pushing further. They might say something like, oh, okay, no problem, and then move on without any fuss. However, a narcissist who's checking to see if you'll be their next target will likely escalate their attempts to manipulate or pressure you. They might become more insistent, try to guilt trip you, or change tactics to see if you're going to bend. For example, they might say, you're really the only person I can count on for this, or if you don't help me, I don't know what I'm going to do. By using this five second test, you quickly expose their true intention. A narcissist reaction to your firm but friendly boundary within those five seconds will reveal their predatory nature, helping you identify and avoid them before they can manipulate you further. If this person is a narcissist, their response is going to depend on two things. If you have history, they'll try to use tactics that have worked on you in the past, and they'll escalate that manipulation. If they don't know you, they'll either drop you immediately and move on to an easier target, or they'll know you're onto them and perceive you as a threat. Once the narcissist knows that you see through their facade, they'll quickly escalate. And if you don't know what to look for or how to defend yourself, it could cost you your livelihood, your family and your reputation.