What narcissists ACTUALLY want

Have you ever wondered why narcissists are drawn to some people but not others? Is it just bad luck, or is there a personality profile that tends to attract narcissists? Well, today I'm going to walk you through the traits that narcissists actually look for. Why the greatest parts of your personality actually put you in danger of exploitation, and how to break these patterns so you can truly have a healthy and happy relationship. I'd like to introduce you to Bash. He's realized that he had a few narcissists in his life. An ex girlfriend, an ex friend. And now he has a burning question. Why am I a narcissist magnet? Sebash, where do you think this pattern started for you? When did you first start attracting them?

You know, I had a. My ex that I dated for about three and a half years that I think was kind of the first time I had dealt with a narcissist. And she was dealing with, like, some really serious health problems. And I just put my entire self into helping her and taking care of her. Thankfully, she got better. But part of me feels like maybe that kind of set the tone of I need to kind of set all of my feelings aside. I was friends with this guy for eight years that was a textbook narcissist, where it's the same thing, you know, I need to fix them, I need to take care of them. And so. So, yeah, I think that's kind of where it. Where it all kind of comes from.

Yeah. Okay. So before this one, relationship and friendship, what I have found with my clients, with myself, and just by studying this for so long, we don't just accidentally end up in these places. We fit a profile and we're being targeted. And because we fit the profile, the best parts of us are being exploited. So I was wondering if you kind of know what the profile is, like, what part of it do you think you fit or do you even understand if this was going to be like a True crime special? How do you fit the profile of the perfect target?

That's a great question. I can't say I would say I know how I fit the profile, but I think it could be like. I'm sure you hear this a lot. I'm a high empath, right. So I just genuinely care about others. And so I think that might be a part of it, Right. Just kind of having that. That high level of empathy for other people and kind of almost over understanding a situation. Right. And rationalizing that of like, oh, well, they're this way because of xyz. And that's not their fault. So I think that might be a part of it.

Right, okay. And would you say that you tend to see the positive in people or are you pretty cynical? Like historically, what's your personality like?

I definitely see the positive to a fault. Right?

Yeah.

Kind of given people a lot of passes, a lot of, you know, oh, they were just in a bad mood or a bad day or so. Yeah, I would definitely say I see the positive in people.

Has this changed that?

I would say it's made me a little bit more guarded. Right. A little bit more just aware of the situation.

If you are a kid that believes that you need to be smart to be loved or to belong or to be accepted, do you think that strategy is related to what you were doing when she got sick?

Yeah. When my parents divorce happened, I was the one that tried to kind of be the one that keep it all together. Right. Kind of keep those, those emotions bottled up and just be the strong one. Right. Because I have a little sister. So I think in the divorce and when my ex got sick, I was kind of the one that was like, hey, like this is going to be okay. We're going to find a way through it. What I did most was just trying to be the one that's. That has the way figured out, has the path figured out, if that makes sense.

Yes, definitely does. So I want to reflect back to you because my original question was why do you think you attract these people? When you are a person that is willing to shoulder other people's responsibilities, that's willing to carry the burden for others, that's willing to be rational, intelligent, also optimistic, you have basically made yourself into a very, very attractive container for someone who wants to use you.

Right? Right. Yeah. No, I mean, I could definitely see that. Um, you know, I also think just being the person that has always been encouraging, I think realizes is a textbook narcissistic supply. Right?

Yeah, yeah, encouraging. So it's basically like the way I think about it is like I'm. If you're willing to give and give and give and give and not requiring a fair compensation, that is the equation that actually depletes your self worth. But that's also the equation of giving narcissistic, apply, needing nothing. Giving narcissistic apply needing nothing. That's what keeps you in that bond.

Right.

So if you think about this like a spending problem, most of the people that I've ever worked with, including myself, that have found themselves in narcissistic relationships are People that overspend over, give under, earn in every relationship, they don't earn enough back. They don't ask for enough back. Right. So. So it's this outward giving and not receiving and tolerating the not receiving. That, that is, that is the counterpart. That is what fits this dysfunction. So what would it look like to not fit that? I mean, when you have a. When you have somebody who's sick, that's really difficult, really, really difficult to look at. And I think there are times where you're not going to have a fair distribution. You're not going to have like a regenerative kind of relationship. It will be like when you have little kids. Like, there are times where you're just giving, giving, giving, giving. You're not going to be receiving. That's okay to me, it's less important. Narcissist. Is she not. That is not the important part. What's important is your ability to be manipulated and the harm that you were willing to endure for too long. So I think the important word here is enabling and understanding the difference. Like, what is enabling there? If you look at your relationship through that lens. So if she's being rude to you, if she's being unkind to you, if she's doing this, this, this enabling is basically making excuses for that. Not giving the true consequences or not making them have to live with the true consequences of what they have done.

What else am I still carrying over? Right. That's my biggest worry is like, you know, what, what, what emotions inside of me are just kind of just baggage with my, my girlfriend now, who's absolutely amazing. She. I was waiting to tell her something that wasn't too big of a deal, but I was just so worried about how she was going to react. I was so worried that she was going to be upset. Mind you, she's never really been, you know, she's not one to get upset about things. But in my previous relationship, you know, it was like that where, you know, I would say something that she wouldn't want to hear and she would blow up or give me, you know, be upset and, you know, just walking on eggshells and emotionally punished.

Yeah, exactly.

And so it was like I waited a whole week to tell her this thing, and I finally told her and she goes, oh, okay. And I was just like, I've been stressing about that for a whole week and it was fine. And she was accepting and loving, and so I'm like, man, okay, yeah.

So if you were going to name that emotion, what do you Think stopped you from saying it? What kept you from it?

I mean, I would say it was just anxiety.

So do you think that's fear, anger, shame or sadness?

I would say fear.

Yeah.

Fear of. Yeah, the reaction. Right, the. I don't want to tell. Tell them this thing because when I tell them this thing, there's going to be conflict and I don't want to have to deal with that conflict.

Yeah.

So. And, you know, not that conflict. You know, I'm a manager by profession, so I kind of deal with conflict all the time, but it's a different level of conflict where, you know, I feel like there's no resolution to it. It's just they're upset and there's no way I can bring them back down. So. So, yeah, yeah, I think that's the best way.

So what does it feel like to be responsible for bringing somebody back down if they're upset? What does that feel like to you? Yeah, feels like.

Yeah, yeah, you know, it, it. Well, I'll just use an example. When I was dealing with my friend who, you know, I don't really speak to anymore, one of the last kind of fights we got into, it was like he had text me about something and man, I saw the text come through and the anxiety in me just peaked. Right. Like, it was, it was, it was the fight or flight reaction where my heart just started racing and I was just almost physically being crippled by anxiety again, not because I'm scared to deal with conflict, but because this person can just be so irrational that, you know, it was just like, oh, man, here we go again.

When your parents got divorced, your mom moved to Hawaii, how much did that feel the same? Did it feel like things were out of control? Did it feel like you didn't.

You.

Didn'T know how to fix it?

Yeah, I think that's. That's a great comparison, you know, because it was a situation where it was just like, you know, I don't know how to bring this all back together. So. Yeah, right.

So that's the thing, like kids do. And I'm very aware of this. I got a divorce. And very, very aware of it. That kids take it upon themselves to try to fix the thing. They think it's their fault. They think they're also powerful enough to fix it. Right. So of course you did. Even as a teenager, you didn't know any better, so of course you did. And yeah, I think it's an interesting thing to look at because, you know, I come from just crazy background. A lot of my clients do, but yours is like, you know, plotting along, good enough. And then there's this break. There was like a traumatic event called a divorce. For most kids, that's a very traumatic event, even if it's peaceful. But it's like a severance. Yeah. So if you adopted this idea that it's my responsibility to fix it even if I can't, or it's. It's my responsibility to fix other people's feelings is almost what I'm hearing you talk about with your relationships, or even a week ago or two weeks ago when you didn't want to bring something up. It's like, if I bring it up, then I'm going to have to fix it.

Right, Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty spot on.

Going back to the profile of why you attract, why you're a narcissist magnet is the conflict avoidance. That right there. If you could work on one thing, you'd have to be able to really hone that and understand that. Why, when you're being in a manager role, are you able to have conflict?

I would say because it's. It's a very. I think this goes back to me being very analytical. It's a very A plus, B plus, C kind of. There's. There's steps to it. Right. You know, most of the things. I've been a manager for a long time, so most of the things people are coming to me with and are upset about, I'm like, I've dealt with this before. I know how to fix this, this. You know, I just need to hear them out for a second, you know, understand the problem and then offer a solution. Right. It's a very.

So why aren't you afraid? That the walking on eggshells kind of idea. Why are you not afraid of their feelings? There's.

I mean, it could be because I've found a way to emotionally separate myself from the clients while people that are close to me. That. That boundary just isn't there. Right. It's like you said in the last video, the being the poor sponge and the glass of water. Right. There's just. Yeah, there's just. There's no boundaries. Right. But you know, when I'm at work, I'm the ping pong ball because I'm like, you know, I know how to protect myself and none of this is personal. Right. These people. Yeah, these people aren't mad necessarily at me. It's not about me. It's about, you know, the company or whatever it may be. So. So, yeah, I think it's Just that separation.

Okay. So I would say you have a good skill there. You just haven't applied it to the. Right. All the places. Some people are able to have no boundaries at work and great boundaries with friends and then terrible ones in the relationships. So kind of figuring out where in your life you collapse your boundaries is kind of an interesting thing, especially because if you're at work, I would imagine you have authority. Right, Right. You have a certain amount of authority because you're a manager. I don't know that you're holding that same idea in a relationship, but it might be good. Not that you have authority over them, but you have authority over your own life.

Right, Right. Yeah. No, I think that's. I mean, that tracks. Yeah, No, I think that's pretty spot on, to be honest.

So the thing that's crazy about trying to build a healthy relationship, especially after coming out of dysfunctional relationships, is you have to get very good at this terrible, terrible thing.

Right.

And it's called risking the relationship. You have to actually keep risking it. You risk the actual core of the relationship every time you tell the truth, every time you bring a new thing. And over time, oh, my God, it's so scary. But over time, that's how you find out if you have the stuff that's needed when you're not willing to risk the relationship. Basically, you're doing that enabling thing. I'm going to not tell you about this because I don't want to have the conflicts and I don't want to know if this is going to blow us up. So you're actually carrying all the consequences inside of yourself instead of risking getting to know the person, being willing to blow it up or not. Because you'd rather deal with the real, real.

Right. Yeah. No, I mean, that. That makes sense. I think it's that. That avoidance to. Yeah, the fight blows up bigger than. Than what it should be, and then all of a sudden, you know, now we're talking about splitting up. And so, yeah, I think that's a very real fear on the other side of it.

Right. However, if you keep doing it, you will be in a place of like, I love her and I'm staying. And if this blows up, I can handle it, and I will not change how I feel about her. There's stability in me. Kind of how you think about if somebody comes to you with a problem at work. You know, you've seen it before, you know how to handle it, you know, it'll blow over. Like, if you had that kind of trust in Yourself and that kind of trust in the relationship itself, you come to those conflicts more like, okay, we're gonna. We're gonna build this stronger right now. It's not gonna be comfortable, but this is how we're going to do.

Could be hard sometimes, right? It can be hard sometimes having that. That logical thought process when you're in that. That feeling of fight or flight, and, you know, you have that anxiety. So I think it's just trying to keep it front of mind. Right. Try to keep it.

But it's that feeling of like, can I handle you at your worst? And can you handle me at my worst? And can you see that I'm vulnerable? Can you see that I have flaws without taking advantage of me and hurting me? And. And that takes a lot of time. But also, you. You have to risk that. You have to. Going forward. You're not going to get a better relationship unless you do do that hard work.

Right, Right. And I'd even say you kind of learn how they react to certain situations. Right. Like I said, having that conversation with my girlfriend now, it was like, oh, is that what acceptance feels like? Oh, wow, this is amazing.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So I would say you're doing it right. Like, what you're doing is correct. The habit that you have, I would say, is somewhere between codependency, narcissistic abuse, and enabling. And I imagine that it's just a strategy that you started trying to figure out the world when the divorce happened. And, like, I'm going to take responsibility. I'm going be the one that fixes things. I'm going to be the one that bears the responsibility, and that is noble and good. However, it's going to hurt you in the long run. You have to allow others to bear the responsibility that they should be bearing.

That kind of nails me to a T. That's definitely been my M.O. for the last at least 10 years.

So, um, yeah, so I'm trying to figure out where. Where you're not able to have a good boundary because it sounded like you were nervous about talking to her. So that, to me, sounds like there's. There's a misunderstood boundary for you there.

Right. I see what you're saying. Just wanting something to work for my future. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Versus a friend is. Is a little different. I talk to him a couple of times a week, but, you know, a relationship, I think it's a little deeper. So I think maybe that has something to do with it. Just of that fear of, you know, I don't I don't want this relationship to go away.

Yes. So that is not a small thing. And actually, if you look at behavioral psychology, evolutionary psychology, and you look at the way that humans have evolved, vault, if you think about whatever was really important 10,000 years ago, it's going to be critically important, like in our DNA, it's going to be very, very hard to remap. And so sometimes we try to fix this by having boundaries or having better scripts. But what I'm. But sometimes you have to just go back and go, you know, 10,000 years ago, finding a mate and settling down, that was survival. So close to our survival. And that was very important. So, of course those boundaries are harder. I don't know if that helps you kind of rethink. Like, oh, that's why with this friend, my guess is that it's easier. He's not critical to your self preservation. He's not critical to. 10,000 years ago, that guy would have been kicked out of the village.

Right, right, right.

You wouldn't even have to deal with it. So. So that's the thing. But, you know, a partner who's really, really mad at you, that. That was a big deal. That's very, very big deal.

Right. Definitely more visceral than just a friendship.

Yeah. And it's not just psychology, and it's not just like a couple little thoughts that you're having. It's like deep in our B.O. that fear is present, and it's. It's not. It's not something you can override, but if you understand it, you can be like, oh, that's why I'm extraordinarily afraid of this conversation. Like, it's not necessarily that I am broken in a certain way or because I was messed up by my parents. Like, it. It might not be any of that. It might just be like, because it's a big deal, and it's always been a big deal, and it's supposed to be a big deal. And that's okay. You understand? Okay. So let's put it like this. You're having a conversation, somebody's really ragey or really emotional or can't stop crying, and you start feeling like you're out of control. Okay. So you're just automatically now going to be like, okay, this is divorce trigger. I do not need to try to fix it like I did when I was 17. But how do you not let that. How do you not let their pain inside of you?

It's a tough question.

It's a tough question. So let me give it to you another way, like I coach people all day long. To be boundaried in that way is to see them as a very separate entity. And also for me not to be in charge of how they feel. Like I trust that they're gonna feel how they feel and I'm gonna witness them feeling without getting involved in it, if that makes sense.

So just kind of like creating that, willfully creating that separation within. Within your own feelings.

Yes. But you can be very empathetic and witness. So I think that's the word that I kind of use all day, every day. But even in my family, I am here to observe and be a really compassionate observer. However, when I start feeling responsible, to fix or hold somebody's feelings, that's where resentment can build up, that's where guilt can build up. That's where the boundaries have been crossed. Right. So I have my own feelings, you have your own feelings. And we should be able to observe each other and allow each other to have these feelings.

Right? Right. Okay. Okay. But it sounds like you have to be very intentional with it. It sounds like that needs to be kind of a plan going into it. Right.

Boundaries are easy with me for, with work because that is, that's what I do. It's not.

Right.

It's not like in that old, old 10,000 year old DNA in me. Right. Me and my daughter, that's like hardwired.

Yeah.

It's really hard. Really hard. So the people that are the closest to me, it's harder and it's like that for everybody. So if she's upset, I have to work so hard to not be upset with her. I have to work so hard to be able to honor her. Like give her permission to feel her own feeling. And I will sit with you, but I'm not going to jump into that pool. But I'm going to watch you swim in it if you want me to.

Right, Right. But just not, not feeling the need to dive into the pool and pull her out.

Right. Because a lot of times they don't want to be. And especially when you have somebody that's really upset, they want to be upset for however long they need to be upset for. Right?

Right.

Even if they're really mad at you, like when you love someone, you have to honor like they have the right to their own feelings and, and to not interfere with that and to not try to take that away from them or shorten it or fix it or change it. That that's true. Trust in another person.

I can say this now, like, yeah, that Sounds great, but yeah, I have to make sure I do it.

Yeah, you have to practice it. But I mean, you can't practice it if you don't know the goal. So, you know, before, if you had the goal of fixing things for people, well, that's, that's a strategy. And it got you into some trouble and a lot of pain and. And it unfortunately creates opening for people that aren't going to have good intentions for you.

Right.

This other one is I have my own feelings. You have your own feelings. We're both entitled to our feelings. Neither of us have to fix each other. But I do want to know your feelings and am I okay with that? That is like, that's a different goal, that's a different strategy. And I don't think you walk around like that with everybody on earth. I think that's the goal within family structures or within really close friendships or relationships. That is the structure.

Right.

Like, you don't want to do that with your. You know, if you're managing a team of 60, you don't. That would be exhausting to try to be there for everybody's feelings. Right.

Absolute.

So it's just like the people closest to you, the ones that matter most, the ones that are going to be the hardest. So I have this image of Teflon. Anytime I start feeling responsible for my daughter or my husband, I think of a Teflon pan and how it's a non stick surface. And that's what I feel like. I'm energetically holding up and it's nonstick and it comes and it just falls off and it comes and it falls off and all my only job is just to hold the pan there.

Yeah, that's powerful. That's a good way of thinking about it.

I hope you found value in this session. Each person's story is unique, but the more you learn, the more you can spot patterns.