When your dad is a covert narcissist

What happens when the very person you trusted to have your back, the one who was supposed to love you, who was supposed to provide for you, who was supposed to protect you, instead takes advantage of you, harms you, and robs you? Today, we're diving deep into a question that's painful and daunting for many. Could your father be a narcissist? Narcissism, especially covert narcissism, isn't always as obvious as you might think. It's often lurking in the shadows, making it even tougher to identify, especially when you're dealing with someone you love. If you were raised by a narcissistic father, there will be unmistakable signs in your life. And in this video, we're going to explore five red flags to look for and the types of struggles that you might be experiencing due to this style of upbringing. So let's get into the first sign to look for. He always needs to be the center of attention. Now, this is going to look really different between the larger than life, grandiose narcissist and the more elusive, vulnerable seeming covert narcissist. For the grandiose narcissist, I want you to picture a father who enters a room and immediately becomes the life of the party. Not because he's genuinely entertain or interesting, but more because he demands the spotlight. He might interrupt someone else's story to share a supposedly more exciting anecdote of his own, like that time that he met a celebrity or saved the day at work. And these tales, more often than not are exaggerated or even entirely made up. If you had this type of father, you might have learned to stay silent. Or maybe you felt like there was never any airspace for you to talk. Instead, you'll remember his booming voice, talking over everyone, making sure all eyes were on him. Now, let's contrast this with the COVID or vulnerable narcissist. This is the father who, instead of being bold and arrogant, constantly plays the victim. Instead of dominating conversations by tales of how great he is. In a covert narcissist, he'll dominate stories with how life is unfair, how he's been mistreated, or how he's a vulnerable victim, hurt, broke, sick or alien in some way, his vulnerabilities, his victimhood, is what needs to to be the center of attention. Having a covert narcissist for a dad might have meant that your feelings or your problems were often sidelined. For instance, if you came home upset about a failed test, he might have responded with, well, when I was in school, I had it so much harder and no one was ever there to help me. And suddenly your problems became about him. Fast forward to today. When you've been raised by someone who demands to be the center of attention, you've been trained into taking the backseat. You probably are uncomfortable speaking up for yourself, and you might even tend to avoid conflict. Maybe you find your yourself hesitating to share personal stories, or you might find it challenging to express your feelings or your needs and often feel like they're not valid or significant. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It's a fundamental aspect of human connection. But for narcissistic fathers, you're not going to see genuine empathy. For the grandiose narcissist, you'll see the father who seems indifferent or dismissive of feelings or anybody else's experiences. If someone else is going through a hard time, he might respond with comments like they just need to toughen up or I've been through worse. He lacks the capacity to genuinely console or even to be present in someone else's moment of pain. With a father who's a grandiose narcissist, if you were hurt or upset, he might have been the kind to say stop crying or not that big of a deal. Over time, this can make you internalize your emotions, believing that they aren't valid or worthy of attention. Now imagine you're a teenager who's going through a tough situation at school with a bully. Approach your dad, and instead of offering you comfort, loyalty or protection, a covert narcissistic father might side with the bully, dismissing what happened to you. Where a grandiose narcissist is threatened by your admirable qualities, a covert narcissist is threatened by your vulnerability. There's only room for one victim in his world, and that is him. This arrogant coward would rather throw you back to the wolves to protect his fragile image of himself than to do anything to protect you as the child. Already emotionally vulnerable, you're left feeling isolated and invalidated. Your personal pain has been brushed aside, and you learn that your emotions are secondary to your father's ego and self image. You might even start to blame yourself for what happened, thinking that by being bullied you were a disappointment. As an adult, you may hesitate to share personal struggles or vulnerabilities with others, fearing that your feelings will be dismissed or turned against you. You might develop a habit of bottling up your emotions or putting on a brave face, even when you're hurting inside because you've been conditioned to believe that your feelings aren't valid or important, you might have developed a pattern of sidelining your needs for others or feeling guilty when seeking support. It can be hard to ask for help or even to recognize when you truly need it, because you've been conditioned to prioritize others feelings over your own. One of the most subtle, yet harmful tactics a narcissistic father can employ is concealing his desire to control under his guise of concern. This is especially damaging because it often confuses you into thinking that this controlling behavior is rooted in love and concern for your well being, when in reality it's all about maintaining power and influence over you. So imagine you're a teenager eager to go on your first solo trip with friends. If your father is a grandiose narcissist, he might aggressively oppose it, saying it's far too dangerous out there. I've traveled a lot, I know how risky this can be. And he might then brag about his own adventures and how amazing he was in those situations, making you feel inexperienced and incapable. This trains you into doubting your own abilities, making you think that you're not equipped to handle the outside world without your father's guidance. Now with a covert or vulnerable narcissist father, that same teenager excited to go on your solo trip, might be met with a response like oh, I just worry about you, or that sounds awfully extravagant, or I'm just not sure you're ready. Why can't you just be happy at home? Here, the COVID narcissistic father is weaponizing past vulnerabilities to foster dependency or to try to avoid responsibility, like having to pay for the trip or being inconvenienced by your needs. Over time, this makes you increasingly unsure of your own emotions or abilities. You may begin to feel like you're inherently fragile, always needing protection. Or you might find that you're constantly second guessing your own decisions. Or you feel overly dependent on others, especially authority figures for approval before taking action. As an adult, you might struggle with trying new things due to a deep seated fear of failure or vulnerability. You might often feel like you're not ready or you're not strong enough for challenges, even when you are. When control is constantly camouflaged as concern, it makes it hard to tell the difference between care and manipulation. You're left in a perpetual state of confusion, always questioning if the love you receive is genuine or just another means of control. So imagine a scenario where you came home from school after a hard day. Maybe you were teased or faced a difficult test, and you try to share your feelings with your dad, you're seeking comfort and understanding. Instead of listening, he brushes you off with comments like oh, stop being so dramatic. Or why are you always so sensitive? Other kids have it worse. These responses don't validate your feelings. Instead they belittle them, making you feel as if you shouldn't have had these emotions in the first place. This can have devastating long term effects. It teaches you that your feelings aren't valid and that you should bottle them up or dismiss them. It stifles your emotional growth and can lead to a slow slew of mental health challenges. With COVID narcissistic fathers, the emotional invalidation is going to be harder to spot. Again, remember that they want to be the only victim, so this might look like they're trying to cheer you up or make you shake it off. Maybe he gives you a sarcastic comment or a condescending smirk, or just the cold shoulder. Whenever you try to express yourself genuinely. This can feel really confusing because on one hand you think he's trying to make you smile, but on the other hand you're getting the clear message that you're feeling. Feelings don't matter. If you grow up in this type of environment, you often become a people pleaser, always trying to gauge and cater to the emotions of others while neglecting your own. Or you might swing to the opposite end of the spectrum, becoming emotionally closed off, fearing that expressing your feelings will lead to further pain. If you've ever felt like you constantly need to justify your emotions, or if you find yourself doubting the legitimacy of any of your feelings, this might be a sign that you've experienced this style of parenting. Love, especially from a parent, should be something you can rely on. It should be a given, offering you a foundation of self worth and tools for building healthy relationships. But with a narcissist, love is a tool, a bargaining chip. So picture that you're a teenager who's been accepted into a few colleges and you're ecstatic to share the news with your dad. A grandiose, narcissistic father might react with if you really cared about this family, you'd choose the college closer to home instead of the one you want. Here he's twisting the notion of familial love and loyalty to manipulate your choices, making you feel guilty for pursuing your own dreams and happiness. Now imagine that you've just experienced a breakup with your first true love and you're devastated and you seek comfort from your dad. A covert narcissistic father might reply with a sigh like can't you find a way to work it out. This is really hard on me. My own father, when I called him heartbroken after filing for divorce, said, well, I guess I'll still love you, but I really liked him. So instead of offering comfort, covert narcissistic fathers weaponize heartbreak and make themselves the victim. Their message is clear. You are not as important as me. When love is used as a manipulative tool rather than genuine care, that emotional toll is huge. It robs you of a clear understanding of what love is supposed to be like, look like, feel like you don't have the knowledge, the the skill or the tools to even imagine a healthy relationship, let alone create one. And this means that you most often end up repeating the pattern again and again in your adult relationships. To hear my story about how I repeated these patterns and what finally woke me up and helped me recover, watch this next.