Does it matter when people get offended when you ask questions?

So how are you today, Alana?

I'm great.

Good, good, good. So in my Purpose class, we've been talking about when it's rude to ask somebody a question and when it's not rude to ask somebody a question. And kind of the tension is— I'll be extreme— if somebody, you know, went up to someone else and said, "Why are you so stupid and ugly?" kind of a rude question. On the other hand, at some point we need to be able to discuss ideas freely. Makes sense? So what's the boundary between a rude and inappropriate question on the one hand, and we need to be free to discuss ideas, well, of all sorts?

Um, I think I'd think of a rude question as something that targets someone else's maybe looks or personality, like, you look— why are you so stupid and ugly? That's one example of a rude question that you probably don't want to ask because it's probably going to lead to like, why are you so mean? And I don't know. So I think that's one rude question. Another one, maybe not so big, but maybe asking an ignorant question, like maybe if someone is really, really poor and you ask them, "Wow, why do you wear the same shirt every day?" really ignorantly, that could be considered rude. I try to ask questions that— or if I ask questions, I don't ask questions that could be rude. I just try and ask questions that I know are good questions that will inform me of something and that won't offend the other person.

Got it. So, um, it makes sense. I want to introduce the distinction between kind of direct questions and talking about the thing more generally. So, um, you know, I could imagine a direct— so, why are you so stupid and ugly? It's clearly a direct question. Or to go to your example, um, why do you wear the same clothes every day or whatever? Um, you know, those direct-to-you sorts of questions certainly have the potential to be rude. Um, uh, is it ever okay to ask people direct questions about themselves?

Yes, I think so. It's just that there might be a line where you could call, like, sensitive, or that question could be sensitive to them.

And, um, how do you know what that is, or how do you judge what that is?

Um, I guess you can tell if it makes them mad or sad or what, I guess, just based on the reaction.

So after you've asked a question that makes them, you know, yell at you or go off crying or something, then whoops, that one was too much. Yeah, what we can do—

I feel like maybe you could like kind of foresee it though, not all the time. You'd have to test it out.

Got it. Then going away from direct questions back to general questions, to go with your example of somebody who is perhaps poor and can't wear lots of different clothes all the time, what if there was a general discussion in a classroom of, say, we'll call them rich kids and poor kids, and the general discussion was, why do some people wear the same clothes all the time and other people wear pretty interesting new things every day? Um, is that an okay conversation to have?

I think it depends on how the quote-unquote people take it, because I feel like some people could like be open about it, some people could get shut off and offended by that question, and some people could just be like, oh, whatever, I don't really care what they talk about. I think it depends, but I feel like most people would like shut down. And be offended.

So in that case, even though it's not a direct question, well, two things. One is your criterion according to which it's an appropriate conversation or not is whether or not people become offended.

Yeah, I think that's one.

Got it. And so How do we know? I guess again, just as with direct questions, we just can kind of guess, but otherwise we have it, we have the conversation. If people become angry or sad or offended, whoops, we crossed the line. Is that all we can do?

Yes, I guess you could apologize. Oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. If you can tell based on their action that they're offended, but I don't really know how to react when you realize that you've asked someone a bad question.

Got it. Um, are there any circumstances where it should be okay to discuss something even if somebody is offended by the discussion?

I, I think so. I think it also depends on the intent of the discussion. Like, if you were trying to learn about someone's disability instead of mocking them, like you you were like genuinely curious, if you were like— but that's one example I was thinking of. But on the other hand, it might be weird if you're a grown adult with Google and a search engine, if you're asking someone about their disability, even though it's a general and open-minded question.

Got it.

That's just an example.

I'll give you another example. This came up in my class a little bit. So for instance, are you familiar with the term neurodiversity? Um, no, no problem. Um, there are a number of things, of conditions that sometimes are described as learning differences, sometimes described as neurodiversity, and some people include under such headings things like ADHD, being on the spectrum, You know, those, those are the big ones. I'm forgetting a big one as well, but you know, so let's just take the example of ADHD. Suppose that you're in a conversation about why have rates— and this I'm fairly sure, certain this is true— that diagnosed rates of ADHD are higher in the US than in Europe. Um, should we be able to have that discussion or not?

I think so. I think because that's a general question about the health of a nation, I guess. But you might say that if there was a person in the room with ADHD, that he or she could be offended. But I don't know, it doesn't— to me, it doesn't feel like that would be too much of a rude question. I don't think it would be a rude question at all.

Well, um, and of course that was the direction I was going to go, is suppose somebody is offended by that conversation, should we therefore stop that conversation if somebody is offended by it?

I think that particular conversation, especially if it was designed or going to help us maybe lower the ADHD diagnosis, I mean, that's a good thing, right? I'm not sure. Um, I feel like if it's a good thing that isn't intentionally causing any harm, they're just talking about it, maybe shouldn't— they shouldn't take it to offense too, or too personally, especially if they're not talking about that person.

So you, Alana, could say they shouldn't take offense Suppose they do. Should, say, at TSC, or if you were leading a conversation, would you stop the conversation? What would you do? Take the person aside? Would you change topics? What would you do in such a case?

I'd ask why they're offended. I'm not really sure where it goes from there, but I'd for sure ask because they can't say it, and maybe it's it's just them trying to protect themselves from hearing things about whatever. So I feel like I, I would ask, and then if it is a really big deal, then maybe I'd change the subject. Um, because if I'm trying to have a good Socratic discussion with the group, I feel like everybody has to be in and invested, at least not offended.

So suppose they become really offended when you ask why they're offended. As that, would you then, what would you do then?

Uh, hey buddy, calm down. I didn't mean to, I don't know. I feel like, um, I don't know. I feel like then if I really wanted to keep the group going, I feel like maybe the curiosity of the topic, especially if we were like really into it, would die down because everyone's just having to listen to me deal with this kid who's offended. I don't know why. He's not telling me. Maybe I would have to change the subject or put him in a breakout room or something. I'm just talking as if I was like a guide or in Zoom. And then later on when he's cooled off, ask him why it was so offensive and what I can do better. But in the moment, I would probably just change the subject to something maybe related but not too related.

Got it. So, um, thank you. I'm hearing kind of in the background two things. Let me see if I summarize correctly. One is If the intention of the conversation is positive, then we have more leeway regarding what we can discuss. And the second, I think, related piece is if discussing the topic may be useful or necessary towards solving or addressing a situation, then we should be able to discuss it. Does that sound accurate? Intention plus might be working towards a solution?

Yeah.

Do those— so suppose it's really positive intention and, um, it— your understanding, you personally believe that it's necessary to discuss the thing to look for solutions. Um, would that— would you override people being offended if you believe those two things? Or if enough people are offended enough, even though you're well-intentioned and even though you think it's necessary to discuss to find a solution, you would shut down the topic?

If it was one person in a relatively large group, I would for sure, especially if everybody else agreed with me, I would stick to the plan and stick by my thoughts and say, well, this is really important, so we need to talk about this, even if only one person is offended because everybody else agrees with me. So we have a majority, kind of. And then, but if it was multiple, and especially if it was the margin majority of the group that were my team that I was discussing this with, then obviously it's not compatible. So I can't— we're not going to come up with any solutions with half the group offended by our topic. So I feel like then I would have to override my feelings and talk about something else. But if it was just one, like the minority, then I feel like it would be okay. They just might not want to participate in the Solution finding.

Got it. Suppose you were a scientist and you were engaged in research. We'll just keep using the example of ADHD, and you are engaged in research which you believe to be well-intended and you believe to, um, be necessary research to help address the issue, but the public was offended by your research. Would you stop your research if the public was saying, ban Alana Garcia, stop Alana Garcia from doing this?

I feel like me personally would feel like, just because I'm like sensitive to that kind of thing, I would feel really bad and probably stop my research. But in hindsight, I probably shouldn't do that, especially if I believe in my cause. Should probably be stronger than I am right now. So if I were to think about it a lot, I would keep going, especially if my team and I believed in it and we thought it would be something that people would come around to. And even if they didn't, it would help everybody for sure.

Are you aware of real-world situations that have been somewhat like these hypotheticals we've been describing?

Um, I hear it from my dad and his podcasts and things like that. But I'm not too educated. I guess if you ask me about a topic, I could give you what I know, but I'm not too invested.

Got it. Got it. Well, I would say there are, in some circles, these are hot topics and they're very real-world issues. And it is relevant on lots of different topics. As you can imagine, people have very different opinions and different people are offended by discussing different kinds of things. So I would say both within TSE and the world at large, these are, these are live issues, so to speak. So we've kind of covered our time for today, so I won't push you more today. But worth thinking about?

Yes, for sure.

Okay. In which case, have a great day, and we will see you again next time. Yeah, bye.

Thank you. Bye.