Loving your child's mind: Advantages of winning and losing

So I want to talk about winning and losing. What are the advantages of winning and what are the advantages of losing?

The advantages of winning may be if you win a round, you're closer to your goal, or if you win like the finals of something, then you get your goal. Maybe it's a medal or a ribbon. And the advantages of losing is that maybe you think about it, so you get to try to get more thought in it, maybe.

Okay.

And you think about something that you did wrong.

Okay, excellent. Um, what do you think, Sayankara? Do you think that Alana is right about the advantages of winning and of losing, or do you— would you have different advantages of winning and of losing?

I think losing is better because when you lose, then you can, then you can think about what you did and, and you can retry next time and hopefully win because you have more practice.

So did you say that losing is better than winning because of that? Okay. Marwa, what do you think? Is winning better or losing better and why?

I don't know.

You agree with Alana and Sankara that losing is good because you learn from it?

Yeah, winning is better.

Okay, go ahead. Winning is better when you're not talking because there's a lot of background noise, please. Go ahead, Alana, tell us why winning is better.

In my opinion, I like winning better because you achieve your goal and you don't lose. And maybe sometimes if you lose, you bring it on yourself and you think you're like really bad or just because you lose. I think that you guys won't do that, but maybe other people will. And if you win, there's relief. I mean, because you were so— maybe not pressured, just like, and it's intense. So when you win, it feels really, really good.

So you would say while we do learn from losing, that winning is better overall?

In my opinion, yes.

Sankaro, you had said losing is better. Are you convinced by Ilana or not? No. Why not?

Because everybody loses at some stage, and to— for them to get to winning, they have to lose. So I think losing is better, because if you didn't lose, you'd never win.

Do you think that, um, you would be happy if you ever— if you lost everything every time your whole life?

No, but it would be funny losing every time.

Okay, so do you think— so Sankara, you're saying it would not be fun to lose every time? Yeah. So would you say even though losing— even though you're still saying losing is better, we need to win sometimes? Or I guess I'm confused. If losing is better, why isn't it better to lose all the time?

Because if you lose all the time, that means you're not trying in anything.

I see. So you're saying— would you say losing is only good if and only if it sometimes results in winning? Because you learn? Yeah. Alana, do you agree with that piece that losing is good if and only if it results in you getting better and winning sometimes?

Um, you don't need to win. I mean, it's good if you win and not lose every single time, so I kind of agree on that.

Okay. Um, what do you think, Marwa? Do you think that losing is only good if you learn, if losing leads to you learning and thus winning sometimes?

Yes.

Are there any places where you have— where losing has helped you learn so that later you won? I'm not hearing you, Marwa. I think you're still muted.

Yes.

What's an example of a place where, or a situation in which you lost, and that led to learning, which led to winning?

Because if you lose, you'll learn your mistake. That's how you lost. Like in most of the things I do.

And most of the things you do?

Yeah, most of the things.

Do— does everybody always learn from losing, or do some people not learn from losing?

Most of the people.

Do or do not learn from losing?

Do.

Okay, so it's just every once in a while, but you think there are a few people who do not learn from losing?

Maybe.

Why would somebody not learn from losing?

Maybe they're just too caught up in themselves because they lost. Maybe they're a big winner person. And they lost. And like I said, maybe they bring it down on themselves so they don't focus on thinking of what they did wrong.

Okay, so you're thinking actually the person who would not learn from losing might be— I'm tempted to use the language— they have a big ego. Do you know what I mean by they have a big ego?

Yes.

So does that sound right to the rest of you, that somebody who might not learn from losing is somebody with such a big ego? Um, they're kind of—

if—

let me see if this is right, Alana. Sounds like you're saying they have such a big ego, they kind of blame the losing on everybody but themselves, and that's why they don't learn from it. Is that kind of what you're saying?

No, they blame it too much on themselves, maybe, so— and they don't think about anything else.

I see. So because their ego is big, they blame it too much on themselves. Um, what do you think, Sankara? Do you know people who do not learn from losing?

I only know one person that I think wins all the time. Um, his name is Max.

So does he learn from losing, or you would say he never loses, so he never learned— he never needs to learn from losing?

Yeah, he never loses, like He answers everything right in class and stuff.

So do you think maybe he doesn't need to? Do you think he'll ever lose, or do you think he'll win his whole life and never need to lose?

I think he'll lose once.

Do you think that he'll be prepared to learn from losing or not?

I don't know.

Okay, Marwa, what about you? Do you know anybody who does not learn from losing?

No.

Okay, everybody in your world learns from losing. Okay, um, is there a way to learn more after you lost? What can you do to learn more or to learn better when you lose?

Maybe it's that after you lose and you learn what you did wrong Maybe you could try and see how your opponent did, or how your opponent countered that, so maybe you could learn how to count— how to counter what he countered. Like, I'm not sure.

You're thinking maybe like studying your opponent to see exactly what your opponent did, that that's one technique for learning more from losing?

Yeah. Yes.

All right, so, Cara, do you have any techniques for learning more from losing?

Um, no.

Would you say you already learn pretty well every time you lose? Yeah. How do you do it? What do you, what do you think about or examine, or how do you learn from situations in which you lost?

I mostly— well, if it's about school, then I mostly just watch lots of videos about it.

So you watch videos to prepare yourself more effectively for next time?

Yeah.

Okay. Um, how about swimming? Um, do you sometimes— do you win all the time in swimming, or do you sometimes lose?

Um, I sometimes lose.

And what do you do in order to be more effective when you lose in swimming?

I just train more often and go practice more often.

Would you say losing motivates you to train more?

Yeah.

Okay. Marwa, how do you learn from losing?

If it's with Sokka, most of the times I don't lose.

Okay. Um, is there any, is there any sort of situation where you learn from losing?

Mostly.

You always win at everything, or there are some places that you sometimes lose?

Some place, some places I lose.

Can you say what those are?

Yes.

What are they?

Um, swimming, but we stopped.

Tennis. With swimming or tennis, does losing motivate you to train harder or not necessarily?

Um, not necessarily.

Okay. Why do we think it is that sometimes losing motivates us to train harder and sometimes losing doesn't motivate us to train harder?

Maybe if it doesn't motivate you, you're just so sad that you, that you lost. That maybe you don't think about anything else and you just stop.

Has that ever happened to you?

No.

Okay, um, so why do you think that's never happened to you?

Because I really, really want to win most of the time, so I keep moving towards it.

Got it. Um, any other— does anybody else have any other thoughts on winning or losing or what we learned from either experience? Go ahead, Sankara.

I think it's not good to win all the time, or else you become too, like, if you become too bossy or something. And it's not good to lose all the time because then you'll never feel how it feels to win.

So you would say kind of the best path is some winning and some losing so you have both experiences?

Yeah.

Okay, that makes sense to me. What do you think, Marwa? Do you think it's good for you to both win sometimes and lose sometimes because both are necessary to develop and grow?

Yeah.

Okay, all right, in which case I want to keep these short. So it's great to have all three of you here this week and Marwa with great sound. Hurrah! I'll let you go and, um, we'll figure something else out next week, okay?

Ah, okay, okay, bye-bye.