Episode 172: Leadership and Tough Conversations

Welcome to the Unstoppable Profit Podcast. This podcast will give independent insurance agents all of the tools to grow your business and live life on your terms. Wherever you are today, if you're starting with nothing or well on your way to the success you desire, with the right people, processes and promotions in place, you will be unstoppable. And now I'd like to introduce your host, Mike Stromsol.

Greetings, fans. This is Mike Trompso bringing you the next episode of the Unstoppable Leadership series for this year. And my friends, this, for me in teaching and learning this and now teaching about it has been one of the most influential trainings and learnings that I have experienced so far this year in leadership because it deals with something that nobody likes. I don't like it. Even after 47 years in business, 35 years of experience in our industry, I still don't like it all of the time. Rarely is it something I look forward to and it's the tough conversations. So the central lesson today is learning to lead tough but essential conversations. Learning to lead tough but essential conversations. And if you don't have something to write with and, and something to write on, I strongly encourage you right now to pause this video or this audio and go get it so you can stop and go, stop and go and write down everything that I have for you today. It is game changing, especially when you implement, execute, and take action on what you learn in the tough conversations. And the only way we're ever going to get good at it or better at it is to do it, do it, do it. In the words of Michael Gerber, doing it, doing it, doing it. And we become more skilled, more comfortable, and ultimately at the end of the day, more effective in doing this. I've already done it. I've already taken action. Some of them gone well, some of them have not gone well. And I'm going to share with you the details that I learned in my lessons there. So hopefully it helps you get better at this. Let's grow. Here we go. So the first strategy I've got for you in learning to lead.

Tough but essential conversations is don't confront coach, don't confront coach. You want to coach them, support them, and help them in every way possible. And what we're talking about now is the mentality going into the situation, understanding what may or may not happen in the situation, because it's not what is happening or ultimately at the end of the day, it is why it's happening that makes all of the difference. So at the End of the day, you've got to understand that. And once you understand why it's happening, then you can begin to attack the behavior, not necessarily the person. You see, you don't want to attack any person directly one on one. You want to help identify the situation. You know, think about photosynthesis as an example. You see, photosynthesis is a process used by plants and other organisms to convert light energy into chemical energy that can be later be released to fuel the organism's activities. So ultimately, at the end of the day, you want to attack the behavior and the situations that are causing the situations to happen within your business. So the photosynthesis can happen, which will cause your team to grow and shine. And ultimately, at the end of the day, photosynthesis causes plants and other organisms to grow and shine. And that's what you want for your organization, right? You see, you don't ever want to label a person or attack a person or say you, you, you. That's not what's going to get you to the best result. For those tough conversations. You've got to learn to use love and hate. Hate the sin, not the sinner, right? Same kind of thought process. You have to learn to use love and hate in the same sentence. The next thought process I have for you today is there's three ways. There's three ways to enter in, prepare for, and enter in to, to these tough conversations. One is to go into it in the first person. And what that means is you are putting yourself on the vulnerability line and you're confessing, if you will, that you're a sinner. Okay? Now, going into tough conversations, that's about 80% of the time people use that strategy, the first person strategy, entering into the tough conversations. Okay? So, so they say, hey, look, I have been in this position myself multiple times in my career. I've made this. I've learned the same lesson. I made the same mistake. And ultimately, at the end of the day, I wanted to talk to you today about the situation because it cannot happen as we continue to grow and help our business flourish forward. Okay? So the first person is the first of three ways to enter into preparation and delivery of these tough conversations. The second way is the third person. Okay, that's about 19% of the time. And you might say something like, well, I was thinking about a time that Sally was also doing the same thing. And I talked to Sally about it. I asked Sally that it's important that we change this behavior within our organization to be able to grow and to continue to have the great culture we've got, etc. Etc. And unfortunately, Sally couldn't change this behavior and it did not work out well. Ultimately, at the end of the day, if you remember when Sally was doing that, it was not good for our team, for our clients, or for our communities. And we can't have this. So that's the third person. So three ways to frame and position the tough conversation. First is, is first person, second is third person, and third is the direct attack on the behavior in the situation. This is where you need to have a come to Jesus moment, if you will, that this is not acceptable. You go right to the point at the end of the day, that's only about 1% of the time. But sometimes that does need to happen. So those are the three ways. Now keep in mind this thought process as well. You always want to reprimand privately and praise publicly. Reprimand privately and praise publicly. You see, at the end of the day. It's also been observed and learned through studying very successful businesses. 67% of leaders are uncomfortable talking with the people they lead and admit to actively avoiding difficult conversations. That's according to the Harvard Business Review, 67%. That's why it's important to get good at this. We cannot avoid the inevitable. It's going to fester, it's not going to get any better, and ultimately it's going to blow up. Okay. 70% of employees admit to actively avoiding difficult conversations with their leaders, colleagues or other direct reports, according again to the Harvard Business Review. So it's ultimately important that the most successful, the flourishing business out there have these tough conversations. Learn to have them. They are a way to grow and to get better all of the time. Remember from our last training, the Ray back to photosynthesis. We want your team to shine and grow. Right? The Ray you always want to be. The RAE in every way possible ray is rae Recognition, appreciation and encouragement. You want to be that ray of sunlight within your organization. Okay. And go back and watch the prior trainings on our Unstoppable Leadership series if you need to, as you need refreshers in those important areas as well. Okay. See, every person in the workplace spends about 2.8 hours a week working around conflicts in order to avoid them. We just talked about 67% of leaders don't want to do it, don't want to deal with it. 70% of employees don't want to do it, don't want to deal with it. What does that mean? You've got a lot of wasted time and non productive Time. And we've got to eliminate that. Okay? See, we're spending almost three hours to, to avoid what would probably be less than a five minute conversation at the end of the day. That's what's holding back progress and growing and causing our businesses to flourish. You see, at the end of the day, we literally choose likability over health, health of our business and longevity of our business. So at the end of the day.

It can't be. It can't be. We need to learn to have these conversations. You see, it will not be at the times that you choose to have the tough conversations that you will regret. It will be the times that you didn't have those tough conversations that you're going to regret. And here's the reason it's important to have these tough conversations. One, you're hurting your team. Everybody else is depending on you to have those tough conversations. Two, you're hurting your clients. They need you to have these tough conversations to help them get the proper, excellent service and care and protection that they need. Three, you're hurting the offender, you're hurting the team member by not holding them accountable. Accountable. Remember, accountability breeds responsibility. Okay? Four, you're hurting yourself. You're hurting yourself by not dealing with it, by facing with it and having the conversations that need to be had so everybody can move forward. You see? You know, the biggest obstacle for having these conversations is. What's the biggest obstacle though? What's involved in that obstacle? No, it's not you. It's fear. It's fear. It's false evidence appearing real. Okay? That it's that they will not like you anymore. We talked about likability a couple of minutes ago. We have got to eliminate that. Ok? So if you have been paying attention to our Unstoppable Leadership series for the last few sessions this year, you remember we were talking about the sage brain and the monkey brain, ok? What that means is this. The sage part of our brain is, is our logical side. Okay? So our thinking side, if you will, our monkey brain is our emotional side. At the end of the day, we are emotional beings who sometimes think. We're not thinking beings who are sometimes emotional. We are emotional. There is absolutely no doubt about that. So at the end of the day, we've got to realize that. Ok? And that's where the fear comes in. So the very first step for you to detangle your emotions, or your monkey brain, if you will, with this issue that is called for the tough conversation. What is the very first step? Well, you have to have the courage. You have to find the courage. It could be from a colleague, it could be from calling me. And I am 100% OK with that. I hope you do. Just call me and leave me a message if I don't pick up. And as to what you need, right. First of all, you have to have the courage. You have to have the courage to be compassionate and candid. Compassionate and candid. Number two, you have to have the courage to be caring and steadfast to get that sage brain into the situation. Number three, you have to have the courage to be loving and tough. And number four, you have to encourage people to rumble a little bit to get into the weeds of. Of the tough conversation. Listen, there's two kinds of relationships out there, right? Business and personal. Business and personal. This is a business. Tough conversations, okay? You have to want to sit in their head and to get into their heart. You have to want to sit into their head and get into their heart. Ultimately, at the end of the day, one of my biggest takeaways in learning about this is the following. You must shift. You must shift your mindset on this. You have to start seeing the tough conversation as constructive, as important, as something that can strengthen the organization, as something that can strengthen your culture, as something that can strengthen your team, that can strengthen the trust within your organization.

The connectedness and the personal bonds. All right? And you have to seek the tough conversations. No, like I said in the beginning, it's still something I need to keep working on because it's not something I'm good at. However, if I will push through it, learn to have the tough conversations and keep having them, I will get better at it. I will greater, I will understand them more greatly. And ultimately, at the end of the day, I will get better at it. So the next thing I want you to be clear on right now and is shared purpose. Shared purpose. And I'm going to run you through preparation and actual execution of these tough conversations as we wrap up today. So stay tuned. But shared purpose will be part of that. So the question is, what is your shared purpose with the other person in this situation? Most of the time, the shared purpose will be either goals.

Culture, either doing right or doing wrong, clients, maybe communities. There's not a huge list. But what is the shared purpose in bringing this tough conversation to the table? Okay. And by the way, when you get to the shared purpose and having that conversation, don't avoid the cringe moment. Get to the point. Don't sugarcoat it, okay? You have to also in your mind, as you prepare and then also execute. Identify your outcome goal for this conversation. All right, remember, quick reminder for you here. The first person, the third person, and the direct approach, okay? 80% of the situations you'll want to use the first person. Excuse me, 19% of the situations you want to use the third person. And in about 1% of the cases, you will use the direct approach. Okay? The first person approach is the most empathetic and disarming. It's the most empathetic and disarming. The third person approach protects their ego while giving them the message. Okay? The direct approach. And by the way, thinking back and one of the times that I actually used this recently, I use the first person. Well, I use the first person with a little bit of direct. And thinking back on the lesson that I learned from it, I should have used the third person. More on that some other time. Okay? So first person is the most empathetic and disarming. Third person approach protects their ego while giving them the message that needs to be conveyed. And the direct approach goes straight to the issue. Okay? The outline for the direct approach, its purpose, its fact, it's 1% impact. And the question, okay, so again, this is something that we need to continue to work on to get better at all of the time, okay? So ultimately part of your goal in framing and positioning what needs to be said for the conversation, you need to do that by giving the other person a degree of control, which ultimately puts them in ease so you can have a conversation so that the emotions are not flaring and flying everywhere. Ok? Approach these tough conversations with curiosity as well. Just look at it as an opportunity to learn more, to understand more. Learning and understanding are two important words to keep flowing sometimes in these tough conversations, okay? And if at any time the conversation goes completely sideways, you've got to have your shared purpose forefront and you want to go right back to the shared purpose to get back on track. And here's one of the absolute keys, absolute keys as you head into these tough conversations, and it's simply this, your emotions, the monkey brain, your emotions and your approach, your emotions, your approach will 100% dictate the outcome or the failure of the conversation, 100% your emotions. So make sure that they are in check all of the time, okay? And as you go through these conversations, don't forget about the which we learned in previous unstoppable leadership trainings. Don't forget about the questions, the what questions, the why questions, the how questions. Ok, tell me more about this type questions. Pepper those in as Needed for greater understanding and clarity. All right, so now I'm going to give you some tips. I'm going to give you right now six tips that you're definitely going to want to write down as you head into the mental preparation for the conversations. I actually just reviewed these six tips heading into an extremely difficult conversation just in the last couple days, and it worked. I'm here to tell you it worked that time because I keep fighting through it. I keep learning more. The particular training that taught me all of this, I have studied that training five times so far. Five times. I reviewed it 10 to get better, to learn more, to understand why. Because I need to. I need to. I learned from our leadership coach a couple of years ago. We need to hear things up to seven times, sometimes to get it. Seven times, sometimes to get it. So I keep studying and I study and I study because I want to overcome this and I want to get better at it. So here are the six tips. Tip number one. As you are preparing mentally heading into tough conversations, one, expect a positive outcome. Expect a positive outcome. Tip number two, Acknowledge your responsibility in the situation. Acknowledge your responsibility in the situation. Okay, Tip number three, Validate and acknowledge their perspective. Validate and acknowledge their perspective. Perspective. You see, what people perceive is what they believe. And at the end of the day, absolutely accurate. Tip number four. And I wouldn't do this too much, but I've done it, and it's very important. Tip number four is paraphrase. Paraphrase. Anything they say, continually validate them, see, by paraphrasing a key point that they say, that validates them. And that's so very important. Okay, you know, tell me if I have this right. Might be an entry sentence into a paraphrasing situation. Let me make sure I understand what you just said. Might be another way. So tip number four is paraphrase. Tip number five is prime. And you only want to use priming if it's necessary because one to four has not worked. You only. You'll only use priming if one to four hasn't worked. Okay? And that is, priming is stating what you think they're thinking. Stating what you think they're thinking. We don't know what they're thinking sometimes. So it's kind of a gray area. And so you've got to get better at this and study it all of the time. And tip number six, absolutely necessary. The first time I had the toughest conversation, I lost the patience and I lost the emotional control for 100% of the conversation. And that was my fault. That was on me for about a 10 second period. My monkey brain jumped in and it derailed the situation. Fortunately, I had my shared purpose written right in front of me. I jumped right back to my shared purpose and got back on track. Okay, so tip number six is patience. Tip number six is patience. Let me recap these for you. Number one, expect a positive outcome. Number two, acknowledge your responsibility. Number three, validate and acknowledge their perspective. Number four, paraphrase tip number five, prime use only necessary because one in four hasn't worked. State what you think they're thinking. And tip number six is patience. All right, other key points for you, Be constructive, not destructive. Be a business builder, not a business destroyer. Keep calm and have a calm voice. Calm demeanor. Calm voice. Okay, Take action and stimulate growth.

See, part of the desired outcome as well is to use the following as part of your active guidance system. Think, feel and act. Think, feel and act. So let me get you some help on the thinking, feeling, acting, the fact and the preparation and execution for these tough conversations. Because I have a specific outline, I'm going to create a specific outline for use for all of you in the near future to give you the written framework to get ready for these tough conversations. Okay, so here's the framework for the preparation for these tough conversations. The framework for the preparation for these tough conversations. And I want to drop you another reminder because I'm looking at it right here under my preparation framework. It's something that I've now got built into my sage and mostly monkey brain sometimes. Okay, remember, we are emotional beings who sometimes think, not thinking beings who are sometimes emotional. We've got to understand them. Okay, so let's get to the preparation for the tough conversations. Again, this is preparation. Get out a piece of paper, make it topical and just get ready, write it down. When I get ready for these conversations, I write it all down and I read it again. If I have the time on the next morning or next afternoon before the conversation, write it on one day, sleep. Read it again the next day to make sure I'm clear and then move on. Okay, so preparation item number one, the situation. What is the situation? Write it out. Write down what the situation is. Number two, what are your emotions and your hot buttons that are being triggered? Okay, so Sally is not. Well, let's not use Sally this time. Joe is not responding to his underwriting memos in a timely manner. This has been going on for three months and it's causing backlog, cancellation notices, getting issued, etc, etc. That is the situation. Okay, what Are your emotional hot buttons and triggers. You're constantly hearing from the other people on the team that Joe is not keeping up his weight. It's causing cancellations. The customers are upset and they're tired of hearing about it. Okay, and that. And then they come to you, and that upsets you and causes interruption in what you're trying to accomplish. As an example, okay, now you want to write down number three in the preparation. Okay.

What is the other person that you're going to have the conversation with? And Joe in this case, what are they thinking? Try to get into their head. What might they be thinking in this situation? Take their perspective fully. How do they see the situation? You want to begin to understand that. Write out what you believe. It may or may not be right or wrong, but see if you can dive in and try to understand what they're thinking. Number four, what are they feeling? Try to get into their heart. What is their emotional charge about this situation? What are they feeling? And it could be a whole myriad of things. Okay, maybe they're feeling inadequate because they haven't been trained properly. As an example, what is the desired outcome? Okay.

What do you want them to think and feel afterward? And what is the change or result that you seek? What is it you want them to be completely up to date, they're answered properly, that your team is supported, and. And then everything's humming on all cylinders and you're growing your business. Maybe as an example, okay, number six, what would you like to say but probably won't after thinking this through? See, that's why you do this preparation exercise before the tough conversation.

Is it still to get it out so it can be released? Is it still to get it out so it can be released? What you would like to say, if you need to do it, say it. Okay. But be ready to say it strategically. All right, now, once you've prepared with all of these items, now it's time to execute. Here's the execution plan. Remember your approach. So step number one to write on your execution plan document template is which approach am I going to use? Number one, the first person approach, story of when you did something similar, the third person approach, the story of when someone else did something similar, or the director approach, going directly to the issue. Remember, first person is about 80% of the time it's used effectively. Third person is about 19% of the time it's used Effectively. Direct is 1% of the time it's used effectively. Okay, so that's number one. And. And the execution plan, when you actually Sit down to talk to Joe. Okay. Number two, if it's first or third, write an example story, Write that out and make sure you have that to deliver so that you know Joe is engaging so you're not flying off the cuff and all of that kind of stuff. That's your execution story to use as the example in first or third person situation. Number three, shared purpose. The outcome you both want their. Excuse me, your shared objective. Okay, let me repeat that. Shared purpose, the desired outcome you both want and your shared objective. Your shared objective is the business continues to get new clients and keep clients on an ongoing basis, have your culture remain great and everybody be happy and productive. And the outcome you both want is to exceed your goals. As an example. Right? Okay, that's number three. Get your shared purpose. Clear, right? And state to them what the shared purpose is. Number four, deliver to them the fact. Deliver to them the fact when you're executing this, the issue of the conversation we need to talk about, boom, deliver it. Number five, the impact that this issue is having, how this is negatively affecting them, you or other people have it written out. Deliver it to them when you execute. Number six question, after you deliver all these things, tell me what's going on, what can I do to help and support? Do you see this differently than I do, tell me what I might not understand, etc. Etc. Etc. Don't forget about the why, what, how, tell me more scenarios. Ok? And then as the conversation evolves, you want to be able to pepper those in what, why, how, how likely, tell me more, what else can you do to fix and resolve the situation so we can all go on and grow together and restate your shared purpose right then and there. Okay? I hope this is giving you tons of tools to help you begin to learn.

To lead tough but essential conversations. My friends, at the end of the day. As I mentioned when we started this training today, it is something that is a learned art. It takes practice. It takes a matter of doing it, doing it, doing it and doing it, doing it, doing it again. And only then by actually making a decision and taking action to have those tough conversations can you become a more effective leader in having these tough conversations. Don't forget two kinds of relationships. Business and personal. Excuse me? Business and personal. Business and personal. This is a business conversation.

At the end of the day, my friends, you got this. I believe in you and I know you can do it. So I hope this has helped. I hope this helps you grow as an unstoppable leader to have those tough conversations. So good luck. Create the template. Create the preparation template and the execution template. We'll have more help coming sometime in the near future with that, but until then, implement this and study it, and continue to study it. We want to be here to help you in every single way possible. Until next time, this is Mike Stromceau, encouraging you to get out there and to make a difference. Be unstoppable and leave no regrets, because you are incredible. You are awesome. I believe in you. And you got this. I will see you in the next episode.

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