The Hidden Reason Most Relationships Fall Apart with Anat Peri | Mike Zeller

A relationship is built up of, you know, think of it like a garden, but it's created by two separate gardens, right? The, the woman and the man, they all have their own garden. And this third entity, the relationship, the only thing you could bring to it is whatever is in your garden. So when people are telling me that they're having trouble in their marriage or their relationship, I'm like, what are you bringing to it? So the work first and foremost has to be individual. You have to both learn to heal the masculine and feminine within yourself.

Obviously, if you're doing the deep work and you're persisting and you're not giving up, then— because sometimes people are like, ah, that one's like— even for me, I'm like, all right, how long should it really take for a lot of this? I, I haven't heard an 18-month window, but that makes a lot of sense. That deep healing, full rewiring, it's probably going to take closer to 18 months for more significant things if you're following the 5 steps in the 5 stages. Is that something you created or your mentor?

It's something that, uh, I've evolved. I'll say that he created something similar, that there were 5 stages, but the topics and the depth of it, he'd be proud of me. That I've evolved through thousands of sessions that I've done. Yeah, I think for a lot of people, when they look at integration, they don't see how much opportunity there is there. And I always say, I'm like, just remember, you're crossing a bridge. It's a bridge from the old you to the new you. And at times you're going to take two steps forward and one step back, and it's recognizing that. And it's taking actions in alignment and experiencing yourself in that new way of being until it's stable and you don't even know what it was like to be that old you anymore. I mean, I tell my story of who I was 12, 15 years ago, and I am so far removed from being that person. So I do believe lasting change is possible. And there's no shortcut. Sorry folks, there's no shortcut. There's definitely great guides and methods and medicine to all support. And at the end of the day, you gotta be willing to keep showing up and doubling down when it feels like a big dragon to slay. And I think usually at the last, last mile, like think of like a marathon, You know, you pace yourself, you pace yourself, you pace yourself, and then what do they do the last mile? They sprint. And so to recognize that in a client when they are so close to slaying that dragon and they just need to really double down with the right ammunition, like they really need to really, really bring it. And so I challenge, I think that's one of my gifts that I always can recognize in my clients and be like, Yeah, this is where you're at. Time to, time to sprint. Let's go.

I love it. Love, love the sprint metaphor for the end. I'm curious as well on the masculine feminine. Yeah, because some of the clients I'm working with, there's a lot of talk around the masculine feminine, and I do believe there's different energy and a sense of healing that we need. And since there's needs, the feminine desires that are a little bit different than a masculine. But I'm curious from your perspective, like, how does the masculine help the feminine heal, and then vice versa? How's the feminine help the masculine heal? I know one of the bigger things I see that men need to offer to their women more frequently is often even the sense of safety and grounding.

I've worked with a lot of couples over the years, and when I used to— my work was predominantly retreats until COVID, and then shifted my model a lot. And when couples wanted to come to a retreat together, I I would say, how's your marriage? Or how's your relationship? Is it stable enough? Because if it's not stable enough, you can't both come to the same retreat. You can come, but you have to come individually because a relationship is built up of— think of it like a garden, but it's created by two separate gardens, right? The woman and the man, they all have their own garden. And this third entity, the relationship, The only thing you could bring to it is whatever is in your garden. So when people are telling me that they're having trouble in their marriage or their relationship, I'm like, what are you bringing to it? So the work first and foremost has to be individual. You have to both learn to heal the masculine and feminine within yourself, to know how to show up for yourself and then show up in the world. And then there's, there's, there's, we could focus on what else does the relationship want? I find that if the relationship is struggling and the couple come together, they're going to be so focused on saving that relationship or not saving it and running away from it, right? There's one person always that maybe wants to leave and one that wants to hold on, that they're not going to recognize that the origin of it is, is yourselves. This is just created by whatever is— whatever your beliefs are. Um, and, uh, that could create more and more codependency. So in that scenario where the relationship isn't stable, people have to do their separate work and strengthen themselves and show up together.

Yeah, well said. Well, uh, one other question: why is your process different, and why should people think— consider getting certified with you?

You know, I haven't done everything that's out there. Looking, uh, personally, but I'd say it's a lot of times what my clients say to me who have done a lot of different trainings, whether it's, uh, you know, they're therapists, they've done clinical work, they've gone through polyvagal, they've done somatic, they've done breathwork, and they come to me and they say, this, this completes it. There's a complete method and a complete process that no matter who's in front of you, you can apply this method and recognize where in the process they are. It's like a trifecta of the depth that I use, the 5 personality patterns, the method of uncovering the inner child, the what you learned from mom and dad is the foundation of you is the method. And then the process is the 5 stages. And so that combo seems to work with no matter, you know, no matter who's in front of you. And so you can get your clients the deepest results. You can incorporate it to whatever you're doing, whether you are a business owner and you just want to bring this into your management team, or you, you know, you, you work in the psychedelic space and you want to know how can I literally in session, like with yourself, recognize more with my clients. Like you said, I want to get them to feel more. I invite you in your next client session to give them that metaphor of imagine you're on stage and what is it that you're feeling and act it out and set a timer for 90 seconds. And about 5 seconds before that 90 seconds is up, say to them, and what's present now? And they'll say, oh, now I feel Listen, and be like, hey, all right, let's ride that wave for 90 seconds.

Love that. Love it. I love the 90-second exercise as well. And so I think Training Camp for Your Soul sounds like an epic program that I definitely am intrigued with. And it— I mean, you've had hundreds of people go through it already. You're certified, right? Or patient?

Not quite. I've had thousands sessions with clients that have gone through my method. Um, but, uh, yeah, it was pretty new though, right?

A couple years?

Yeah, yeah, a couple years. And the truth is that I didn't open it up to the public until about a year and a half ago, like the last, the last two rounds. Prior to that, it was only open to graduates of my work because I was still testing it. I honestly still didn't believe that, like, Is it good enough to be a certification program? Now it's a 200-hour certification program. And yeah, I'm ready, ready to expand. Let's go hundreds and thousands of people because I do believe that it's, it's the best combination out there for healing.

I love it. Well, Nat, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I've already picked up 3 or 4 gems myself as well. So Um, and hopefully I get to connect with you in person at an experience or a retreat at some point as well. And, uh, uh, thank you for coming on today, and I can't wait to connect again.

Thank you, Mike. Thanks for having me. Thanks, listeners, for tuning in.

All right, see ya.