293: Raising Happy, Confident, and Successful Kids with Nadim Saad

I started researching parenting and realizing that the science of parenting is the same as the science of leadership. It's actually about guiding humans to be the best version of themselves. That's what good leaders do. The first big theme is leading by example. And was I leading by example by doing this to my children? It's about vision strategy, about two-way communication, about active listening. It's about vision and strategy. Children have a lot of wisdom. And so it's also very important to listen to children and their wisdom. But in many cases, they don't have our experience. And therefore, how can we get them to realize that we have experience and to follow it? But because they want to do it, because they realize it's good for them, not because they've been commanded many times to do it.

Hello, hello, Brave Table fam. Welcome to another episode of The Brave Table. I'm your host, Dr. Neetha. And today I am in studio with one of my dear soul brothers. And he is not only somebody that I love to travel with, that I love to dance on the dance floor with, but the secret that I hadn't known for the longest time is he is literally one of the pioneer leading forces behind conscious parenting and really being able to reframe our emotionality with our children, how to teach children the importance of emotions, which you know is my jam. And today's episode is all about How to be and raise happy, confident, and successful children, and how we can all do that as parents, as mothers. And oftentimes what tends to happen between siblings, what tends to happen when kids seemingly feel like they are out of control, how we— and the differences and more so commonalities that leadership has between leadership and parenting. And how we can bring those and incorporate those lessons of leadership into our own homes with our children, and so, so much more. The themes in our amazing episode today is conscious parenting, the emotions of having an emotional map, how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, what's missing in today's school system, and advice for parents raising young children and teens, and how to actually repair effectively, and so, so much more. If you are a mom, a father, future mom or dad or somebody that wants to revolutionize their parenting in one way or another, you're going to get so many valuable gems from my dear friend Nadeem Saad. And let me just tell you a little bit about Nadeem. He is a serial entrepreneur who's built 3 businesses in 3 different continents. He founded the Happy Confident Company to change the education system, and he's been literally in the school system all over the UK and prepared the new generation to create a better world by teaching Children Consciousness and many of the tools that Mindvalley authors teach. They have impacted more than 100,000 families in hundreds of schools. So without further ado, let's bring Nadeem Saad to the Bray table this week. Hey loves, as someone who's been on a journey to minimize my caffeine intake, I finally found the absolute perfect thing: Lume Superfoods. It is the absolute coffee alternative superfood elixir for coffee lovers on the go but without the jitters. Yep, no more caffeine crashes, energy crashes, just clean superfoods to kickstart my mornings, especially when I'm out running with the kids right away. I don't have time to make my chai or I need a quick afternoon pick-me-up. This Duels is not only a quick morning drink, but it's power-packed with 9g of protein, and all you have to do is just Add hot water and your favorite milk of choice and go. Crafted with the finest ingredients like mayonnaise and chicory root, Lume is not just a morning beverage, it's a wellness revolution in a cup. Packed with fiber antioxidants, it supports not only great digestion but also a thriving gut microbiome. And the benefits don't stop. It's enriched with dandelion root, known for its detoxifying effects, and a blend of ashwagandha, eleuthero, astragalus, Lume works tirelessly to reduce stress, enhance your energy, and bolster your immune system all in one while powering you with clean energy without the caffeine jitters. Lume Superfoods keeps you energized and balanced naturally. And here's something extra, Brave Table fam. Try it out for yourself and I promise you'll be hooked. It's been great for my travels, my to-go mug, and for easy packing. Use checkout code BRAVE for a special 15% discount on your first order at Lume. That's luumsuperfoods.com. That's luumsuperfoods.com. And transform your mornings with Lume Superfoods. Now back to the show.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, friend.

Hi, Nita.

So glad we're doing this. Okay, so we start every episode with you pulling one of our affirmation intention cards, and you have one in your hands.

Yeah, I didn't read it yet though.

Okay, start with the affirmation first.

Okay. I am the only person who can bring forth the creativity that emanates from every cell in my body. I'm a magical being. I'm being light from my creative powerhouse. Wow. I promise I did not pick this one up. I would have loved to. And so I'm very happy. Wow, that's powerful.

Wow, that's powerful.

Thanks. That's what I'm trying to reconnect to. So, wow.

Yes.

Thank you.

Yes. So I have been so excited to bring you on because our audience of parents and mothers, I feel like we are all in this similar boat of how do we raise happy, confident, successful children. And you have a company called Happy Confident. You happen to be one of my dear, dearest soul brothers. And we've been many places around the world. And I'm so honored and so grateful to see your light in a different way, not on the dancing floor, but really as a true educator as you are. You're a father of 3. Amazing daughters who are almost all of them are teenagers.

Yeah, 17, almost 15, and 12.

So that's the question that I want to open up with. How do we raise happy, confident, and successful children?

Do we have a few hours? Okay, look, recently I've been trying to distill, you know, what are the— because I mean, obviously there are so many tools, so many things we can do. But I really realizing that out of everything I've been doing for the last 12 years. So I got into this actually from the world just because I became a parent. I disagreed with my wife on how to parent.

Okay.

She was a teacher, Montessori teacher, but she was— but I felt that she wasn't always doing what she was suggesting to other people because obviously when you become parents, the emotional part you know, comes in. And so she wasn't always doing— so I was like, it felt like permissive and not completely grounded parenting for me. But then I was the authoritarian, and what came up for me was really the way my parents treated me. But I always thought, oh, I'm doing so much better. I'm not using the same things. I'm not, you know, I thought I was doing so much better. And then I had a— I'm not sure I'm gonna share that, but let me share something actually, that the reason why I got into parenting Yes, it's an ugly moment, so I'd rather tell everyone. But I think most parents— not every, there are some amazing, you know, very grounded parents— but most parents have some ugly moments and that we're not proud of. Mine was eldest Noor was 4 and a half, and we were just having a really nice lunch on a Saturday, and first course was salad. She was serving herself some salad, and she dropped a salad leaf on the table. And I said, "Oh, Nur, pick up your salad leaf." She didn't seem to hear. So I'm like, "Nur, please pick up your salad leaf." You know, such an innocuous thing. And she didn't react again. So I went, "Okay, Nur." I used my preferred method at the time to get my children to do things. Counted to 3. And I know that when I give parenting presentations, I always ask the audience, and about 70 to 80% of people use 1, 2, 3. So I go, "Noor, come on." But usually it's for— you want them to— I was like, "Come on, Noor, it's a 1. Pick this up." No reaction. "Noor, come on, 2. Better pick this up." I go, "Noor, 2.5." Gets to the 2.5.

2.75.

And that's the funny bit. But the less funny bit is actually I had no idea what I was going to do at 3. And I never really thought about it. Because she would do things without me having to get to 3. And so without even realizing, my brain went to, you know, it's subconscious. I thought, well, my whole authority is based on that. So my reaction was so over the top. I started screaming, shouting, how dare you let me get to 3? Getting to the room, I picked her up, I put her in room. It was a horrible moment. And obviously the whole Saturday was ruined. But that time, before, I had gotten angry, but I'd always have an excuse and minimize it. But that time I thought, that was such a small thing and I made such a big thing out of it. I have no excuse. And so that finally got me to listen more to my wife, but not because she was right, but because I realized, you know what, we actually could both of us could do better. And she had started training in parenting because she realized that she also had to do better. And thankfully, she had become more balanced. And I started researching parenting and realizing that the science of parenting is the same as the science of leadership.

Interesting.

And I had done all these courses on leadership, and I was leading teams. I realized, wow, it's actually about guiding humans to be the best version of themselves. That's what good leaders do. You know, it has to do with the first big theme is leading by example. And was I leading by example by doing this to my children? Certainly not. It's about vision strategy, about two-way communication, about active listening. It's about vision and strategy.

I want to stop you right there because there's so many things that I kind of want to go into, but I really want to iterate you sharing that the parenting is guiding humans to becoming the best version of themselves. And sitting here having a 3 and a 5-year-old, guiding humans to be the best version of themselves. And some days you're going to have shitty parenting moments. And then the other thing I wanted to share is for the parents who are watching this either on YouTube or listening to this, and they're like, wait, what's the problem with the 1-2-3 method? I use that all the time. That's like the books that they share in all of the moms groups.

Yeah, actually, so thanks for asking because I usually, obviously in a parenting presentation, I always say what went through my mind is because my whole authority was based on that fear, the 1-2-3, I realized, well, one second, in 3-4 years, what am I going to do? Am I going to pick up my daughter and she said, no, I'm not. And so it's actually the carrot and stick approach is what's been used for years You know, and that's not good leadership. Now, good leaders, we have the science of leadership shows that carrot and stick is not good in companies as well. A lot of people are leaving even if they have got great salaries of companies that are not treating their employees well. So it's about actually finding motivation and trust. And I love Eisenhower's definition of leadership. He says, leadership is about getting others to do what you want them to do because they want to do it. And in that moment of parent, obviously we do know better until a certain age, actually, because I do believe children have a lot of wisdom. And so it's also very important to listen to children and their wisdom. But in many cases, they don't have our experience, and therefore, how can we get them to realize that we have experience and to follow it? But because they want to do it, because they realize it's good for them, not because they've been commanded many times to do it. So as a recovered authoritarian, it was like just one order after the other, and 1, 2, 3 was part of the orders. When the order wouldn't work, it was like, oh, now I have to go to fear, right? It's a kind of threat, right?

I'm going to take this away from you if you do this. Or the bribery— oh, I'm gonna give you this, I'm gonna give you chocolate if you finish your food.

Exactly. And that's actually— extrinsic motivation supersedes intrinsic motivation. We are all born with this intrinsic motivation to do better, to grow, to be the best version of ourselves. But when we supersede it, and a lot of the system is about that extrinsic motivation, whether it's salary, when we start, it's actually about, for example, even praising our children too much. In some ways, there are good ways of praising and ways that are not ideal. And when you just tell them all the time, for example, oh, you're great, it's amazing, oh, you're so smart, what they internalize is something they can't control. And therefore, but they do things for that, praise. For example, great research that was done on 2-3-year-olds: oh, you're a good sharer, you're such a good sharer, you're good sharing, good sharing. Actually, children who are told too often that they're good sharers end up sharing only for that reason, and they become less generous over time. Oh, they share less because they're doing it for the praise, because this extrinsic motivation, which is the praise, ends up superseding their want to do it. But when they're 2, a lot of them don't want to share, and it's normal. It's a normal stage of evolution for children to kind of They're learning what's theirs, what's not theirs, what they can. So we have to also give them space to not automatically share. We have to kind of teach them why sharing is so much and just allude to their empathy. From 3 years of age, children, their empathy and their mirror neurons are fully developed. Well, the mirror neurons are always there. That's why we can imitate people and we actually have the same emotion as people because we've got these mirror neurons that connect with others. And so on that, when children are told, you know, would you like, you know, you just put yourself in someone else's shoes regularly. They go, yeah, no, yes, I would like someone else to share, so I'm gonna share. So they start internalizing why, you know, you have to treat others like the way you want to be treated.

But you're saying in the beginning, it's okay that they don't share.

It's okay. Sometimes you're like, oh, okay. Oh, sometimes it's okay that they don't go and give a kiss to auntie or granddad or whatever. Or say hi. Or say hi. You know, but what's really great is to actually tell them before the act. It's like, you know, we're gonna meet these people, and you know how much you love when people smile at you and greet you? Wouldn't it be great if you did that? And hopefully they're gonna do it. Most certainly they are, because once you prompt them, and that's the vision and strategy action, and you kind of do things in advance rather than in the moment, you're like, oh, again, you didn't, you know, basically rather than shaming the children in front of others.

You didn't say hi to your papa and daddy.

Instead of just tell them before, you know, we're gonna, and because, A lot of children could be slightly kind of, you know, this oversensitive children might not want to do that, or they might be in a state where they need some time. And we forget that when we prompt them, they put themselves in situation. It's like when you do a little visualization, you want to go somewhere, you're preparing for a talk or something, you need to prepare yourself. Well, children as well need to be prepared for a lot of things. And when we prepare them and we give them choices of what they can and can't do, limited choices, not What do you want to do when you arrive there? It's like, oh, would you rather say immediately hi, or would you like to say it after? I mean, you're giving them limited choices that actually work for you, but that can actually— it gives them an impression of control. And that's so important. And we'll talk about this later, because if I start on this now, we're— but it's about actually giving these children a sense of agency, because from early on, even at the age of 2, yeah, because the anxiety in everyone comes from feeling powerless and from feeling that they have no control over their lives. So giving that sense to children from the earliest age gives them this opportunity to realize, oh, okay, I've got to make choices in my life. And actually it's not difficult. I just need to start understanding who I am, understand what I like and not like. And that effect, the choices give that, put them in the thinking brain and like, yeah, I like this, I don't like this. We have a lot of children when we teach this to parents they end up going around the house going, oh, I like this. Oh, I don't like this. Oh, I want to do this. I don't want to do that. And so they get the chance to practice choices before it becomes overwhelming. Because the choice now— children have so many more choices than used to have, and they've got so many more, at least twice the amount of thoughts that they have. We had 10 years ago, really. So now it's actually— but they say that we have in a week more choices than we used to have in a lifetime. Yeah, well, just imagine, actually. So it can be overwhelming, and it is quite overwhelming for us as well as adults. So just imagine a small child who has a brain who's in development and who's not developed until the age of 24. The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. It's the prefrontal cortex, this frontal lobe of the brain that actually allows us to regulate our emotions, to feel more in control, to be more rational, et cetera. That's my biggest discovery as a dad when I started looking at the research was, oh my God, every time I scream at my kids, even if I get angry, that's what was happening to Nur. To come back to this example, she was in freeze mode. As soon as, even if sometimes if they're already kind of afraid of you reacting, just a little change of tone could lead them to get into freeze mode. So, and when you go into fight, flight, or freeze, You actually— your frontal cortex shuts down. You go into your limbic brain, so the more primitive part of the brain, the survival mode, and you're going to fight, flight, or freeze. And therefore, you will get from your children the opposite reaction of what you want. They can't actually do what you want them to do. So when— and I saw so many parents, they'll just shout and scream, like, scream, 'Stop crying! Stop crying!' Well, the child actually can't stop crying because it's the opposite. We're making it more difficult for them to do it. Yeah. So that was my— oh my God, how can I be, you know, like a loving parent and making it more difficult for my children to do that? So that's where I decided to change, and it was a long journey. Wow.

So, I mean, you're saying— you're dropping so many gems. I mean, so many gems. So I want to kind of just circle back on and really kind of tie it all together. So some of the things that you've noticed in some of the leadership courses that you took and the conferences that you go to, leadership similar to parenting. And one of the pointers you made just right now is the lead and visionary, or visionary and execution. Was that the— that was one strategy?

Yeah, so vision strategy, anticipate, you know. Yes, really have that, realize that your kids are growing at different ages, they're going to need different things. And so have the vision to actually and the strategy to bring these in, these things in.

And almost anticipatory, like having a conversation with the kids before the grandparents come or before the people come to the house.

And you know they're going to want to buy everything.

Yes.

And they suddenly like drop on the floor because they're like, I want this. And like, but just before, it's like, okay, I, for example, I take children to the supermarket who will just choose one thing. So you get kind of either do a rule or agree with them. Oh, would you like to buy one thing or two things at the supermarket? The fact that they got the choice to choose one or two things, for example, they're already much more likely to do it.

By the way, I would dread, I would dread going to the supermarket with Ari. I mean, you know, when we had just moved from LA to Austin, he was 2 and a half, and every single time he would want chocolate. And I'm pregnant with Ila, like, very, very— I'm about to give birth. And there's specific time where I remembered. We go into not the corner store shop, but basically a small kind of store. It's not even the full circle market, but it's very close to our house. And we go in, just, I needed to get something really quick. It's actually the Indian store. There's an Indian store very close by to ours. And Ari runs in, and of course they have the chocolate. They have the chocolate right by the register. And I'm like, I'm just going in. I'm not feeling well. And I'm like, should I leave him in the car? Because I'm like, I just wanna go in and get the thing. Moms, you know you've been there. You're like, am I gonna be punished and penalized for, first of all, leaving my 2.5-year-old in the car for 5 minutes? Or should I bring him in? And I know he's probably going to have a meltdown and he's gonna want to fight me on this. And I remember the chocolate that he wanted. It's like those egg chocolates that have the scooper things. And it's the worst chocolate ever. Terrible. And then I'm like, okay, of course, of course. And yep, he did say it. And I was like, I had to like brace myself. I'm like, no, we're gonna go and we're gonna get whatever we needed to get.

Yeah, that's— by the way, I want to clarify that if this is not an option for him to buy one thing, you don't have to give that choice. It's not because I give the example of, do you want one or two things? Because I know that when I go to this bigger supermarket, yeah, and my kids have be patient for, you know, a good half an hour or more, I do allow them to get one or two things. It doesn't mean they have to eat them now straight away. If it's a small shop and you know, actually you can agree that, you know, yes, the rule is we're not going to buy anything or find, but something that will give him a sense of agency. So important because then they think, okay, I made my decision. And sometimes it can be a no, but if there are too many nos, Guess what we do as adults? Any human being, you're just told all the time what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and you can't have this, you can't have that.

I mean, you fully rebel when you get older. You don't even want to see— I have girlfriends who they don't even want to see or interact with their mom, or, you know, because of the amount of nos they grow up with.

I know. And if you've actually noticed with people, most people will sense start their sentence with no when they want to say yes. Like, if you— when I get people to start noticing this, they go, oh my God, I'm always going no, I totally agree. And so actually this creates a bit of dissonance. You don't even realize that people are so used to it, but it's because we were told no all the time.

It's so true. And I see even how my in-laws and the elder caretakers in my life, you know, you ask them, hey, do you want to come to this? Or, you know, you're giving them a good gesture, hey, let's go to the 'Let's do this,' or, 'Come with me to this thing, I'll fly you out,' or something. No, it's like a no for everything. And you're just trying to give a good gesture. And you're like, it could be because, fine, maybe it's hard to receive, or because subconsciously they've been programmed their whole life, 'No, stop doing this, stop doing this, stop doing this.' This, and actually even choices work with a lot of adults.

I always remember when I learned about choices, and my wife was pregnant and I still wanted to go to this party. And so I told her, "Would you like to go to this party for an hour or just half an hour?" She laughed so much and she said, "Okay, let's go to the party. But when I say I'm done, we're going." I said, "Promise." So we did. It's just—

So giving choices.

It's respect. Yeah. So giving choices is the sense of agency. But the first part was actually realizing the sense sense of safety. That is a really big one. And some, for example, we now have programs in schools and all across the UK and across the Middle East and the US. We launched in the US now. And what comes out as evidence of the— after just 2 months of using our program, yeah, you ask people, you know, we ask the children if they feel happier, safer, more confident, and all the list of questions. And the number one thing they feel more of is safer. And why is because they get to finally share vulnerably. Because we— it's a social emotional learning program, so we teach them about 100 feelings.

So this is for the children or for the parents?

This is the children, but the parents also get— there's a parent portal that goes with the program, but it's the teachers who actually teach this in class. And so what they get to do is 5 to 10 minutes a day where they share if they have difficult feelings or pleasant feelings, but also unpleasant feelings. And just this opportunity to share, and particularly for what we call the middle children, the ones who are not identified as having real difficulties and not the ones who are, you know, acing it already, where no one worries about these. But when these middle children finally get to express— but everyone, it's actually, it's giving a voice to every child and giving them the confidence to voice what's happening to them. Yeah, children feel safer. And the thing is, we don't often give them the opportunity at home either, because even if we start, we try to listen to them, we often, when you ask them, oh, how was school? Okay. You know, from age 5, 6, it starts being this automatic, okay. But actually, we've got to prompt them, find better prompts, which is why these kind of cards and all of these deep conversations are great. So we have our own conversation cards as well for children, for families, where they can ask about, you know, what was the best time you had You know, what was your most difficult moment? What was the, you know, when you last time you felt embarrassed, how did you recover from it? What was all these kind of things that make them think about themselves and share? And that's so important to make them feel safe. So that's the first level because we often forget about this because we think, oh, of course our children feel safe. Let's talk about, you know, self-actualization, how we can teach them all of these other things. But the first level of learning of connection is from a place of safety.

And that's part of it. Yes, because then it really allows them to open up and really share what went on in school and really share what they're actually going through. And what I love about your cards, because our family has them too, and Ari at 5 has— I mean, we've been kind of doing some of this for a while since— you know, obviously our love for emotionally intelligent kids. But how have you seen it change when the parents and the kids kind of interact after they've gone through the program?

So it's really about— we believe in this holistic approach, and it's very much so. Even if the school does it, we want to make sure the parents are aware of it, because, um, as you're saying, it's when— on average, Bernie Brown was, you know, looking at 3,000 research on emotions and looking at all the that exists in— when she prepared, um, she was writing Atlas of the Heart. Yeah. Said that on average we only use 3 feelings as adults.

3.

And obviously, as you can imagine, it's happy, sad, and mad or angry. So, and the thing is, what, um, we realized, the research shows that when you have more emotional granularity, more emotional literacy, as we call it, then it gives more sense of control to the kids, more sense of the reasons for the behavior. So I'll give you an example, actually, right? So when I got— so I was into parenting, and 5 years later, my middle one, Yasmin, had a challenge. She started being defiant, hitting her sister, while she's the most— she was the most positive person, and she still is extremely positive. But I was like, try to reconnect her to her true self. Oh, but You're so kind usually, you know, and it's me. But it wasn't the right thing. It was only getting worse. So I asked the school, do you notice any difference? And say, no, she's still the most positive person in the class. Like, okay, so obviously she's got a mask at school, or she just behaves differently at school. It could happen. It could be something. And so after 2, 3 weeks of that, I was like, okay, enough. But thankfully I didn't punish her because I coached her instead. But I had so many tools as a parenting coach. And after a really deep more than half an hour session, she ended up admitting, I hate myself. And that was the second, you know, big aha moment for me after the Nur incident, because that's where I realized, wow, had I not had the tools to allow and able to express this, and had I punished her like most parents would have done if they don't know better, if they don't— not using conscious parenting, they would have punished her because she was obviously— because she was being so defiant. She was just like, oh, come on, stop. Stop it right now. And so from this punishment, she would have had to suppress, because obviously you don't want to be punished, so you're going to have to like do something, but without resolving that sense of self that was broken. And the sense of where it was broken, actually the reasons why the coaching is so useful, it was one, because she felt average. And that's a problem nowadays, because children don't want to feel average, because they see all these incredible things on YouTube, on social media, on where people seem to be so incredible. But in our— in her case, she hadn't— didn't have access to so many screens. It was because her two best friends were— one was a gymnast, the other one was a ballerina, and they were doing so great. And she didn't realize that she was one of the, you know, best in class. And so that didn't matter because she was in school where there were no grades, so there was no comparison, which was great. But she felt average.

Wow.

And then the second thing was she felt that she was a bad person because of her behavior.

So she had shame.

Yeah. So what's interesting is this shame cycle that we need to break. Because, I mean, for example, I was an angry dad often until I really did all my therapy. It was because I would go in a shame cycle and my wife would make me feel ashamed for— I mean, she can't make me feel anything. I felt ashamed, but because their reaction really put me in that I'm a bad person without realizing it. So I would go into shame cycle, and guess what? It would just only produce more anger rather than just go, oh, I need to remove myself from the situation. I'm really not dealing with that. I had to— I wanted to justify myself to— in order not to go into shame. So it happens to a lot that we go— a lot of parents that we go into a shame cycle. We don't feel good about our parenting, and instead of just taking a break and going, okay, that's not working, let me just reconnect with myself and do it better, we end up in that, you know, fight or flight. And then we put our kids fight or flight. And it's just, it's not— it's two hurt inner children speaking to each other. Yeah. Instead of an adult really helping the child calm down and really doing the— there's no right thing, but the best possible thing in this moment. Right. Because that's the third aspect actually that I want to talk about, is like agency, is the safety, sense of agency. And then there's a third component which I found so important, is compassion. Compassion and acceptance. It's actually so my new motto and that's working so well in all of my training and my coaching, is we're doing the best we can in every moment. And that applies obviously so well with children because we know that until they know better, so we're doing the best we can with what we have, with what we know, until we know better. And these moments when our children are reacting, they're actually doing the best they can to meet their needs. Yeah, but often they don't really know their needs, so they can't express them, so we don't understand them because But it just goes into the cycle of when we bring that back, the compassion back, it's like, okay, my child's doing the best they can and I can't stand it anymore because I can't hear a child screaming. But what can come from this place of compassion and love? How can I react to that? And often it will not be what I used to do, which was just unfortunately, you know, and I'm not, by the way, I'm not in any way, I did not pass to permissive parenting advocating, oh, just Let them do whatever they want. It's not about doing whatever they want. It's about setting rules and being kind and firm, because it's in this kindness and love and compassion that then they can accept the firmness. If it's just firm and, you know, authoritarian, like as I used to do, it's automatic resistance, right? And you don't want that resistance because you're just creating a lose-lose. What you want with your children is constant win-win. But I want to reassure all parents to make sure that we're all going to F up, as in you're the master. Obviously, we're all F up. And actually, what next?

That sucks. Now what?

Yeah, now what? And now what is actually remove the guilt, because actually they have to learn. They become resilient from these interactions, even if we F up. But what's important is to recognize and admit and say sorry from a deep, from real deep. Sorry. No. Oh, you know, I'm sorry, but you did that. No, no, I'm sorry. That's not how I want to show up. For you. And I wouldn't want you to learn that this is how we show up to people.

I wouldn't want to learn that this is how you show up to people. And it's brilliant that you're bringing this up right now because yesterday we had a party. And we're all here with our families together. And Ayla and Ari wake up from a nap. And she's my fiery one. She's my 3, fiery and sassy.

So beautiful.

And a full personality. Ari's the lover. And kind, and he, you know, and so, and you know, she gets up, she's in her mood, and just starts just screaming and melting down. You know, she's 3, so she's gonna have that. And so, and then of course, some of our friends are also in town, and they come over, and you know, they're like, "Is she usually like this?" And I'm like, "I mean, yes, actually, she's 3." And this is what it is. Sometimes we just have to let her do her thing. There's nothing that I can do to console her. I can reprimand her for it, right? That's not going to do anything. And we just have to be in the discomfort of it. Because like you're saying, this act of compassion of, oh honey, I know you wanted to sleep later. We're now here in Europe. We're gonna go to this thing, and there's just like this transitory period. Or I could have been like, stop right now, we have people over, you know, which I would have done totally before.

And so, and we— something that—

this is like immigrant parenting, by the way. We learned all this from our immigrant parents.

Yeah, it's totally— and the thing is, it's quite globally, even if you're not a parent, It's normal to— I mean, at some point you lose patience. But so what's really important is for parents to know that I already mentioned mirror neurons, and these mirror neurons, actually, children need to use your calmness to actually calm themselves down, particularly when they're younger, when they're 1, 2, and even 3. It's when it's basically get— can get overexcited if we get over— so we're making it more difficult if we get impatient and we start if they sense our impatience, they're going to become more impatient too, and it's going to only go into cycle. So these cycles where children are just— sometimes it's because they just didn't sleep enough. There's many reasons for it, but more often than not, they're picking up on our impatience and it's making them feel unsafe and insecure, and just it continues. So it's so important for us to actually realize, one second, the best thing I can do is to be that rock and that safe space for my child to actually use my mirror neurons and my calmness and my— the heartbeat actually being not overly excited for them to calm down.

So to ground your own nervous system, we need to ground ourselves.

And that's why the best— one of the best things we did as parents was to help each other out. So for example, if I was already heightened, it kind of takes a bit of time to go back down. So sure, my wife Instead of berating me as she used to do, "Oh, I can't believe you're doing this again," and putting me in more anger, we learned to tell each other, "Can I help?" And from this space of, "Oh yeah, actually, yes, because I know that I'm not doing the right thing right now, and I'd better take a breather to be able to come back from a different space." And so she could take over, and I would do the same. Or even if she was more too permissive, Well, she could also get angry. Yeah, but even if she was too permissive, I would say— and because she couldn't find a way to actually get them to do something, I could do, can I help? But I didn't come from this authoritarian, I came from this authoritative, seeing the situation more objectively and going, oh, I think I could do that, that would be helpful now. And that's where I would intervene, not just because I thought that she was permissive and therefore I'd come, no, you can't let them do this, and I would take over. And the message I was sending to kids was, oh, your mother can't deal with you. And so obviously it would be a bigger cycle of permissiveness because they would use her permissiveness. Yeah. So that's why it's really good to be a team as parents, but at the same time realize that we all have strengths and weaknesses. One is often going to be more permissive, the other one more authoritarian, and naturally, just because that's what we get from our parents, and we either do the same or the opposite.

We do the opposite.

And sometimes, and it's often subconscious, sometimes it's conscious, like, oh no, I did not like the way my parents treated me, I'm going to do the opposite. But we don't realize that it's not the opposite that we're supposed to do. It's kind of this balanced parenting that's in between. And so sometimes it can be just really actually a big hug and the release of oxytocin. We have to get them to let go of the cortisol, the anxiety hormone, and get back into oxytocin, serotonin. Yeah. And there are many things, many ways to do that. It could be get them to do a bit of exercise. It could be— and just you know, get the endorphins going. So it's all these great hormones that eat up the anxiety. So you have to activate the right hormones. And often it comes from that place where they realize that we're helping them and not that we want to control them, because otherwise they go into the cycle.

Because this goes back to the sense of they're going to rebel if they feel like they don't have any agency or control. Hey, love, want to go deeper and behind the scenes with our mini trainings with some of our guests on the Brave Table, then become an Insider and get the inside scoop. It's absolutely free, and you'll unlock private mini trainings that will help you be even more brave in your relationships as we go deeper in certain areas of your life. So become an Insider today for free at neithabushan.com/insiders. That's I-N-S-I-D-E-R-S. And learn from the Vice documentary Shaft on pleasure, Dr. Kate Northrup on money blocks, Karen Rockland on speaking your truth, and Dr. Nisha Khanna on women's health, and so, so much more. And guess what? It's all free when you go to neeta, that's N-E-E-T-A, bhushan, B-H-U-S-H-A-N.com/insiders. Grab your inside scoop today. And now back to the show. There's so many upgrades of parenting codes that you've shared in this episode so far, but I want to reiterate for the listener and whoever's watching on YouTube, you shared, I mean, such a profound hack, but it is a tool. Can I help? Can I help? Because sometimes I even notice that, you know, if Ajit's in the middle of his parenting, and I'm like, oh, but I couldn't, you know, put, you know, so you're kind of like, put me in, coach, like Tag me if you're feeling not so emotionally resourced to handle that. And I think now, you know, when your kids are babies and they're small, it's just a different challenge in and of itself. You know, you're sleep deprived, they're babies, they might not be sleeping, so it's different. But when they're at an age, like they're at the age where they're now fighting with each other, you know, Isla and Ari, they fight over sharing of toys, which, This is a— so I'm glad you brought that up because that is a thing. And oftentimes the elders would probably say, "No, Ari, you're the oldest, you have to share." And oh, it sets me off. And I'm like, "No, we don't do that." So—

At 6 years old, you were the older.

Right, right. And so, you know, poor guy now. And this happens when the elders are in town. So my— their grandparents. Oh, Ari, you know better. You're the older one. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel like him because I was the oldest and they used to say that to me too. You know? And I'm sure people can resonate with that. Like, how do you then reconcile when other caregivers do not parent like you?

And that's the little conversation you have to have on the sidelines. And that's the vision strategy as well.

Vision strategy.

Okay, that goes back to vision strategy. At the same time, you have to be flexible in realizing that, you know what? You can't change your parents, and it's okay. And children make a big difference. They can make the difference, you know. So even if you've got different styles of parenting from different, even different grandparents and things like that, it's okay, you know. It's, I mean, it's not ideal, particularly if they're very present, but ideally if they're very present, then you say, look, we really would like you to do 2 or 3 things that are really important to us. You can't change the whole thing. Just get them to focus on 2, 3 things that you'd like them to do differently. But the children, they're not so— I mean, they're affected, but it's not that bad because they know the difference between the parents and the other carers. So it's about having these conversations. But coming back to the sharing, and there's something about siblings fighting a little bit that's actually good, that creates resilience. And so I love this book that really gave me a different perspective. It's called The Power of Discord. By Ed Tronick. And what it shows is actually— and I was talking about not feeling too guilty when we fuck up, because actually our children, it's part of their teaching in this life that we sometimes do the wrong things because we're human. We're teaching we're human. So as long as— I was saying, as long as you reconnect and we should tell them that, you know, that's not who I want to be, but they're learning that actually it's human to do that, to make mistakes. So apparently, in 70% of our time, we're in a power struggle with others, and we're in the discord rather than power struggle, without realizing subconsciously we're constantly trying to reconnect with the other.

Yeah.

And so that's part of our evolution as, as in our relationship. So the safest relationship is the ones where we manage to reconnect regularly and we feel safe because we're reconnecting. That's why it's so important to apologize after, because even if we— they lost that connection for a while, What we want is to reconnect as soon as possible. But sometimes it's not possible to reconnect just after the event. So I would strongly advocate not to ask your children, say sorry, just after the moment, because we don't want them to teach to lie, to teach them to lie or to not— they have to feel it. They have to feel that, oh my God, I don't— yeah, to mean it. So often in their— if they are in fight, flight, or freeze, which happens when something just happened, they're going to feel forced to say it. It's much better to say a bit later. And so when I say— often I apologize to my children about something in the evening, you know, before putting them to sleep, and when they're really in that state, when they're really very absorbent, you know, they absorb even better when they're going to these alpha waves and they're about to go to sleep. It's like, look, you know what happened earlier? I'm really not proud of it. I apologize. That was not the one I want to show up, and I don't want you to feel that ever. From me. But, you know, we make mistakes, and then I can explain, you know, I got super angry for that. And, you know, let's— sometimes I go into a problem-solving session. It's like, oh, so what could we do next time so it doesn't happen? So I'm taking full responsibility, but I'm allowing my child to take responsibility, because at this moment, in most cases, they'll go, oh, I'm so sorry, I also— I didn't show up the way I want to show up. Oh wow, totally. And you get the kids who actually go, and so what can we do next time? Oh, you know, maybe next time if you tell me in advance where they'll come up with these incredible solutions.

What could we do next time?

Yeah, what could we do better next time? And so, and I say, you know, because we don't want to get— we don't— we want that connection. And so they learn that actually we make mistakes, but we want to keep the connection. And so we, as we reconnect, they actually become more resilient because it's going to happen that someone's going to treat them this way or whatever, but they know how to set the boundaries and how to also apologize and accept, apologize. Everyone takes responsibility. Isn't that what we want? I mean, The best relationships are the ones where each one of you in that relationship takes responsibility. Still make mistakes because we're human, but we take responsibility.

So true. I mean, wow, there's so much I'm taking away from this conversation. And I feel like so many parents, you're just igniting this completely different way of being able to connect consciously, authentically with our children. And it can start as early as 2. It can, right?

Well, actually, from an early age, it's that connection, even when they're 6, 9 months, etc., and actually talk to them regularly. There's science research that shows that when you're talking to your children when they're younger, they've got a better sense of self. They feel safer. Actually speak a lot more or better. So it's super important to actually interact with the kids, just getting them, and then they'll open up, they'll speak faster and all of that. So it's really— and you can even give them choices before they speak. They can just start pointing to things.

Oh, this is brilliant. Okay, so you have a whole basically online portal for children and parents. Tell us about happyconfident.com. So because we would We want to learn so much more about you.

Thanks. So we've got— actually, we're the leaders in mindfulness journals. And so we've realized that using the science of gratitude— and we're very, you know, we have friends who are experts in science of gratitude— and we, as for kids, it's actually very useful. So from age 6, we've got journals that allow children to focus on the 3 things that they're most grateful for in the day, and that allows them to be less anxious and more sleep better. And so in 1 week of doing that Wow. Because what it gives them, this sense of— because as human beings, we have a tendency to look for the negative and for danger. And so when we retrain basically our brains to look for gratitude and what's good in a day, we actually start looking for the positive. So we become happier in just a week. It's positive psychology research shows that in just a week of doing gratitude, you can actually start feeling better and feeling happier. And We also ask them different ways they felt because we're all about obviously developing this language of feelings and opening up. So children who write in their journals from age 6, they start sharing with their parents. For example, oh, today I felt worried. It's like, oh, where did this come from? And then they open up, particularly if it's in the evening when they're in this safe space. So these are our journals. We also have journals that include our 10, what we call the 10 powers. Again, talking about agency.

10 powers.

Oh, I love that. We don't have time to go through all the powers, but I'll name them because it's actually useful for adults too. We first— the first power is the power of introspection. So self-awareness, learning about ourselves, what we like, what we dislike, what we— the second is power of optimism. So actually realizing that we can have negative thoughts. And children, when they're 7, 8, 9, and they realize that other children also have negative thoughts, like, oh wow, I'm not the only one. Yeah, because we tend to tell them, oh no, no, you don't have to think that. Why would you think that? So we don't acknowledge their their difficult feelings often, right?

We invalidate their feelings.

We invalidate the difficult feelings as well as their thoughts, wanting to do better, wanting them to save them from these. But actually, it's better to say, you know what, sometimes I also think that, but you know what I tell myself? It's like, actually, that's not very helpful, and it's not really true. I'd rather think this way. So in this power of optimism, we teach them that we all have the default mode network and negative thoughts, but we can actually decide to have more helpful thoughts. Then the power of interoception is about feeling the feelings of the body. Interoception is this ability to feel sensation in the body, whether hot, cold, as well as feelings. And so when we train ourselves to feel these feelings and realize where they are and what they are, we become— so actually, neuroscience shows that we reduce the intensity of the feeling in the brain, and therefore we feel much more in control. So interoception is super powerful. And we've got the power of mindset, which is all about growth mindset, realizing we have neuroplasticity. So our brains are actually not fixed as we used to think, and our intelligence is actually completely expandable, and that we can do this. And actually, it's normal for things to be difficult at the beginning, but the more we train, the more synapses we create and the more neural pathways, and they strengthen the neural pathways, and therefore we become better at things. So they realize why they— this practice actually makes them better at things and why they want to practice everything suddenly, because they realize, okay, I can be better at this. Yeah. Then the power of failure. Oh, failing. Then when they realize that most celebrities have failed more than average— I see most people successful have trained, obviously failed more than average. No one— I mean, kids don't realize that because obviously they took more risks. They had to take risks, they failed, and they learned from their failure. Suddenly, like, mistakes— instead of being ashamed of their mistake, they go, oh, it's okay, yeah, I just failed, but oh, I just learned this, you know. So you train them to actually realize what gift there is in every mistake. And then comes the— we needed all of these to find— get to power of resilience. You cannot be resilient— people want, oh, I want my child to be resilient— well, you can't be resilient if you don't own this. You've got— you've— yeah, you've got the other powers. So it's that sense of agency that, oh, I can use my— to be more resilient, to pick myself up from any challenge. I need to know my power of failure, my power of mindset, my power of interception, to actually feel— I don't want to feel that about my mistake, it's okay, and all that. So you can find this on happyconfident.com and also in schools now all around the world. We're working with lots of schools, and so they teach the program to the kids. The teachers just do 5 to 10 minutes a day of that program, and in 2 months the children completely switch— more safety, more confidence.

And what if you are listening to this or watching this and you're like, oh my gosh, I want this to be in my school and my kids' school, how do we go about doing that?

Thanks for the question. Yes, just contact us. There's contact on the website on happyconfident.com and say, oh, I'd love to bring this to my school. I mean, I had a teacher who listened to my presentation at Mindvalley 2 days ago. She came to me, she said, oh my God, I absolutely love this. I want it in my school. It's so needed.

So it's kind of Because even if you're a parent, educator, a teacher, an administrator, you can actually get this curriculum in the school.

And what's amazing is because we experienced backlash— is not the word, but rather, okay, it sounds great, but we don't have time in our curriculum. These curriculums are so full. It was like, well, we actually use the science of habits and the Atomic Habits to just do 5, 10 minutes a day. And it's actually proved to be more powerful than our the previous program, which was 1 hour a week. Oh wow. Because kids, it becomes part of their daily life to speak about feelings, to feel vulnerable, 5 minutes a day, and to help each other out, which is what we're trying to create— communities. The schools have to be communities, safe places where children feel that they're there not just to learn but also to feel safe and heard and valued. Yeah, because then they can blossom and become more confident and want to learn. It's from this place they want to learn. That's why 5-10 minutes day of this is changing the schools.

Wow. So we have to wrap. I know that we have had such an incredible— I feel like I have to bring you back for part 2 because there's so many things that we could definitely go down into, and even this idea of control with children. So that's gonna be part 2. But as we get into our Spill the Chai round, I know we have our conversation card deck, so I'm gonna have you pick your 2 cards from the deck to answer, and it can be as long as you want, as short as you want. This is our igniting round.

How long do I have? No, I'll try and make it short. What is something not many people know about you? Well, actually, I kind of started on that, but it's people see me as Happy Confident. Actually, when I came up with the name Happy Confident, I would ask my friends, What does it make you think of? Because I wanted to— they said, oh, makes me think about you. Like, oh my God, I found a company that's you.

That's so true.

But the thing is, I realized that, and it's only a few years ago, that this happiness and confidence is great, but we must not suppress the more difficult feelings. I used to suppress them because, you know, I don't know if you've heard, like, Bernie Brown and Esther Perel in this amazing podcast talk about comparative suffering. And in comparative suffering, it's like, okay, I went through the war in Lebanon and nothing compares to that. So it's all— it's always like, oh, my problems are not important enough, right? So I feel fine, I feel good. Most of the time I feel super good, and otherwise I feel fine. But then it's suppressing a lot of things. And when you bottle up these things, you suppress them, at some point they're going to come back. That's what my anger used to be due to. And so what a lot of friends would go, you Are you getting angry? Like, yeah, unfortunately. But what's very unfortunate is that it's my— with my loved ones. It was with my wife and my kids that it would happen.

Wow.

And we didn't actually— I mean, it was one of the reasons for divorcing from my wife, but it wasn't ultimately— we really tried to work on this, but once that was in the space, it was difficult to get rid of it. So we went to 6 couples therapists. Anyway, I'm not gonna tell them all my stories.

That'll be another one.

That's another one. But yeah, so it's really Well, and that's what we teach kids, by the way. Happy Confident, although the name is Happy Confident, which is our natural state. I really believe that, particularly when you're younger, our natural state is being happy and confident. But as we grow up, we get all these layers and it becomes more difficult. But what's important is the kids realizing that it's not about being always happy and confident. It's finding the tools, having the skills and the tools to come back to that state. But really acknowledging the others because it's so important. Do I have time for another one?

Yes, you have one more.

Uh, when was the last time you felt nervous about meeting someone new? Why was— I mean, actually, I, I very rarely feel nervous about someone, but I, I felt recently, uh, nervous about meeting one person. Okay, it was to meet Richard Branson. Oh wow, because he was my idol as an entrepreneur, and so going to Necker Island, meeting him was like, wow, this is a big deal. And he turned out to be the most amazing person, so attentive, always wanting to make everyone feel good.

Yeah.

And so, yeah, so I was super nervous, but it ended up working out. Exactly. Because it's like, what it's all about— realizing that we've got everything. And why would we feel nervous to meet someone who's just exactly human like us, right?

And that's what we teach our kids too.

Why? Exactly.

Okay. And, and the question that we typically end with every episode is one word that describes this season of life.

This season of life? Essence. Really coming back to my essence. Yeah.

This has been an extraordinary conversation. It's no wonder you have been in this light as a parenting educator, leader, coach. And I'm so glad you were able to pour into our community at the Brave Table.

Thank you so much, Nita. I have so much love and everything for you. So much. So many. Thank you for doing this and bringing all these nuggets of wisdom to this world.

Until next time on The Brave Table. Wow. Welcome back to the other side. If you are as blown away by Nadeem and all of the intricacies that he's shared Go ahead right now, follow him @NadeemSaad_official on Instagram. He's also Nadeem Saad, that's S-A-A-D, on LinkedIn. I will link both of those in the show notes. You can go directly to happyconfident.com, request him to present at your school organization. If you are a parent, go to happyconfident.com and see what are the resources that you want to get for your kids, for the parents in your life, for the other parenting couples, the moms, the dads in the PTA, the school pickups, in the mom circles, in the mom groups. I feel like this will really revolutionize how we're really thinking about parenting and how we want to show up for our kids. And in many ways, I feel like it's almost— even if you listen to this or watch this and you don't have children— how we can actually heal ourselves yourselves, and maybe one day you want to start a family, but the things and the codes that you've received today just by listening to this that we can put into practice for ourselves, because at the end of the day, the change starts with us, as Nadim shared. And so it's so remarkable, so incredible. If you love this episode, go ahead and share it with a friend, colleague, family member, bestie, another mom in your life, and tell us what your favorite part was. Let us know in the comments below if you're watching this on YouTube, or shout us out on Instagram. Tag us at The Brave Table, @neethabushan. And if you haven't already and you really love, love this episode, I would so appreciate if you could send us a 5-star review. It would help the show grow more than you know, to get the most amazing guests as possible, and to help other people get more brave in their life. So thank you so much for tuning in. And until next time on The Brave Table.