227. Rand Selig | Thriving: A Guide to Fulfillment & Purpose

Hello, Book Thinkers family, and welcome to our personal development podcast, Book Thinkers Life-Changing Books. During each episode, we interview one of the world's top authors, and as a listener, you can expect to discover new books, new mentors, and new resources that you can use to achieve more and live better. In today's episode, we have the pleasure to interview Rand Selig, author of Thriving: A Guide to Fulfillment and Purpose. Rand has an MBA from Stanford, a background in mathematics and psychology, and over 35 years of experience running his own financial services firm. His journey has taken him across the world, living and working in Europe, Asia, Mexico, and the Caribbean. He has served on numerous boards, coached youth sports, and remains deeply committed to conservation and philanthropy. In this conversation, we explore the core principles of thriving. We discuss how to take control of your choices and design a fulfilling life, the power of gratitude and why it is key to long-term happiness, and why building strong character is essential for success. Rand also shares how to navigate setbacks and turn challenges into opportunities, along with the biggest lessons from his personal and professional journey. Whether you're looking for practical strategies to improve your mindset or deep insights on personal growth, this episode is packed with wisdom you can apply today. Now get ready to learn and enjoy this incredible conversation with Rand Selig.

Rand, welcome to the Book Thinkers Life-Changing Books Podcast. Before we jump into the first question, I'd love to give some context to everybody. You and I met, geez, about 6 months ago through a mutual podcaster friend who just thought that we would get along. And we had a series of hour-long calls where you got to know me and I got to know you. We've read each other's books and now we're recording this podcast so that you can share What you've been sharing with me privately, publicly. So, I wanted to address that to give everyone some context. And my first question is going to sound like a little bit of a layup, but I think it'll give some good context for everybody. What is thriving?

Beautiful, beautiful. It's great to be here with you, Nick and Luke. Thriving is This place that we can all get to. Some people are there more readily than others, but it's a place that is— and I'm trying to unpack this and give some, some compass for people to get there. Sometimes we get off track. We do things to hurt ourselves, to self-sabotage, to deny ourselves some possibility, to hold on some bad habits. and think that there's no other possibility. But I just want to be a voice of encouragement and inspiration for folks to say, no, you can thrive. Thriving is a very special place. I hope everybody's had that experience, at least for some period of time. And what I suggest is that you got to get to know yourself really well and you can find out what is going on inside. That's what's most important here. It's not the outside world. It's not what other people are doing. It's what you're all about, which takes It takes some homework. You got to look at it. You can't just do it once and 10 years later say, oh, I'm still good. No, you got to keep looking at it periodically because you change and the world changes. I think thriving is a function of 4 things, and I break that into 4 sections of my book. There's thriving personally, which has to do with your character, which has to do with having gratitude. It has to do with how you're handling your finances. It has to do with whether you're going to have purpose and meaning in your life. There's a group of those things. A second element is you've got to be thriving with others. And then you go into thriving out in the world, which is volunteering and being of service and being charitable and philanthropic. And then the 4th section of the book, very important. And it doesn't have to be a person who's 70, 80, 90 years old. It happens all the time, which is you got to be thriving by moving ever forward in life. You got to keep gathering wisdom. You got to keep committing to becoming the better, better person that you can be. And thriving is the climate. It's the average over time. It's, it's not today's weather. You know, the weather could be terrible today. You could be having a bad day. Not to worry. It's the average over time.

I have 2 follow-up questions for you. And then we'll dive a little bit into the book content itself. So, the first part of this question is, why did you decide to write this book? And why were you the right person to write this book? So, those are the first couple of questions. And then the second question or the second part that I'm looking for is, what was that process like for you? of writing and publishing and marketing the book?

Yeah. So, why did I write this? Well, I like to tell the story about looking in my office for many, many years at this 4-foot-high pile of papers that I've been collecting really beginning in high school. These were quotes. I have a lot of quotes in my book. There were articles that I'd written, notes that I'd taken from great books like yours, Nick. And So I was looking at this pile year after year thinking there is several books in that pile and there's several books inside me. And then 4 years ago I said, I'm going to— now's the time, I'm going to write a book. And I thought at first it would be a legacy project. This would be a book that told kind of my philosophy of life and I would share it with friends and family. And I wisely went to 3 good friends who were also authors. And I said, tell me what you think. Tell me what you don't like. like, tell me what's missing, uh, you know, be nice but be candid. And they all came back and said no. And I kind of had to take a deep breath, kind of like Lamaze, for all of you moms and dads out there who know, you know, deep breathing. And they said, you have to make this big. You have— you can't make this a private little book. This has got to get out there to just as many people as you possibly can. Why me? Why Thriving? Well, I've had an amazing life and I've applied myself throughout. In high school, I was really all about excellence. And from excellence, I was really dialed into purpose. And from purpose, I went to encouragement. And from encouragement, I went to just being a kind of person which is kind and respectful and Asking questions and listening, listening hard, which is not necessarily easy to do, especially if you have things you want to share and talk about yourself. Performing acts of loving kindness, that whole thing, call it love. And so I've been on this course for a long time. I've run my own firm for over 3 decades. I've lived in different parts of the planet. I've been a scoutmaster, a Little League coach. I get very involved with the environment, with a roll-up-your-sleeves kind of activity. And I've served on 18 boards. So, all of that allowed me to see a lot of people and have important conversations with them. And I realized there was a lot of people who were stuck, who were confused, who needed some kind of spotlight. on, you know, the possibilities of maybe some ways to go. And I didn't want to do that on a one-on-one basis like an executive coach or a life coach. I wanted to get it into a book. And that's, that's why I wrote Thriving.

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And then, talk to us a little bit about that process. What was it like? When did you start writing the book? How did it come to be? Was it easier than you thought, more difficult than you thought? Tell us.

Well, this has been an enormous adventure. I am a warrior. You know, I've, for over 30 decades running my own firm, an investment banking firm, I've closed over 250 Very complex transactions. And you have to have a lot of grit. You have to really be dialed into what's going on in the transaction. It helps a lot for me to have been a kind of win-win kind of person and building a very trusting relationship with my clients. So, this was a new adventure. I mean, I've read hundreds, if not thousands of books in my life, but I'd never really pulled back the curtain and said, what does it take to write a book? And so this, this was new. The actual writing took about 2 years. It was not easy, but it was well within my, my capabilities. I fortunately had a great content editor, made some terrific suggestions. He gave me 15 suggestions. And he said, you don't have to take any of them. And I looked at the list and I said, I'm taking 14 out of 15. And off we went. I had a fantastic copy editor. I had a great publisher who helped with all kinds of things that I just could not have done by myself. And it was nice to have the publisher do a lot of that, the formatting and, you know, the, you know, proposing some different covers and that kind of stuff. And, but it's not— that was hardly the end of the story. That was in some ways just the beginning because once you have a book that's published, you have to know why you've done it. And if the why is powerful, it'll sustain you and give you energy. And that's exactly what happened in my case. I wanted a book that would encourage and inspire people, and I was willing to do the marketing about that, which some people shy away from. They say, I don't like marketing. I don't want to be a marketing Yeah. But to me, it's never really been about marketing. It's never been awkward. It's been me wanting to, to engage with people and be, be helpful and to share my insights, my experiences, my questions. And so here I am rolling forward. Every passing 3 or 4 months, there's a whole next step of new things happening, which is very, very fun. 17 pages of Google. If you Google me, you got 17 pages. My wife says, wow, maybe you're real. Maybe your book is real.

Now, you mentioned your wife, and I want to ask this because I think it's so incredible. You've been married for 42 years. Maybe it's a little more than that. But I would just love to know what is your— I hate to say the word secret because I don't know if that's the right way to tee this up, but what is your, for lack of a better word, what is your secret for being married and thriving in marriage as well for 42 years?

Thank you for that question, Luke. I think I've made hundreds of great decisions in my life, but I say the top 3. include number one, marrying my wife, and 2, starting my own company, and 3, moving to this great town of Mill Valley, California, just, just north of the Golden Gate Bridge. We're very different. We're very different people. She's very smart. Maybe we have a little bit of that in common. She's curious, which is really, really great. She's an artist. I mean, she has her MBA also, But she is very creative in an artistic way that I'm very creative, but not the way she is. And so just rolling with her continues. I mean, every day, every week is more nuggets of very interesting things for me. We trust each other deeply. There's never any little secrets about what— where did— where did that money go, or what are you going to do with that check, or, you know, none of that kind of stuff. And we made a big commitment to each other long ago. It's not like we haven't had some bumps and scrapes and scratches, but we made a commitment to each other which allows us to continue to grow independently and together. So I have friends that are not friends of hers. She has friends that are not friends of mine. We have joint friends, and that allows us to continue to evolve and be the people we want to be and like and, and be surrounded and supported by, by people. Uh, but we, but we really, uh, have, have decided and continue to make that decision on a regular basis. We're, we're in this together. And, uh, we look at each other and say, oh, I'm so, so glad, so fortunate that we, that we have each other.

As someone who's been married for 10 years going on 11, And I have 4 kids as well. It's really encouraging to see someone like you, um, just kind of reiterate that you need to still be yourself and have the individuality, because I think a lot of people tend to lose themselves in relationships and they get so caught up in this, this other person's world that they don't have their own world and they begin resenting the other person. So I think that's a really intelligent and smart way to go about a relationship that you have with your wife especially. Now, I would love to know, your book, you talk about getting to know yourself. That's one of the cornerstones of thriving, right? And it's so important. What are some of the things that you did early on in your life to get to know yourself?

Well, I guess I started with kind of a sense of who I was all along. There wasn't— I can't recall a time where I said, who am I? What am I about? I didn't really have that. that sense. So I had it easier than I think some people do. I also am very independent-minded, so I was willing to be me, and I wasn't going to be looking at outside gateposts to sort of say, oh, well, maybe I should be this instead. I just wanted to double down on the me that I liked. I've always, always liked myself. That also is a very helpful thing. And I understand some people don't don't come to that— the place where that's, that's the case. But I think there have been things I've done routinely throughout my life, starting again back in high school. But I, but I do it regularly. I journal. I write down, especially when I'm having complicated feelings, I'm saying, you know, I'm confused. Not happy. I'm a little upset. Let me break it down. And the way I can get that to come— become clear is by writing it down. And I look at what I wrote and I go, there's some gaps here. I think there's some inconsistencies. And what I'm upset about now, I realize I was sort of pointing my finger at a particular person, but it was more than that. And there was me involved with it too, aiding and abetting. This issue. And so once I've got some clarity about it, then I can work on solutions and put those solutions in place. And that's, that's a really, really helpful thing. I also am very good at chronicling. I think, Nick, you're, you're very much like this too. I, any given time, I know what the last year was about. You know, you know how many podcasts I was on, how many public speaking engagements I had, how many deals I closed, how many trips I took, how many dinners I had out, how many sporting events I went to. It's all laid out. Whom are my friends? And I've added a couple of new ones this last year. What were— who were the most important people for me? And what were the best decisions I made? This past year. And that just helps guide me. I just say, oh yes, I mean, the world goes by pretty fast, and this is a way of slowing it down and making sense of it, but also really appreciating and relishing the things that matter to me. And then I go, you know, I did— I would like to spend more time with this next year, more time with this person next year. And it's, it's a great, it's a great, uh, tool.

I love that. I'm sorry, Nick, I'm completely hogging this. I have so many questions I want to ask Grant. Um, so I'm really, you know, you start out your book talking about the power of choice, and I think it's like really important because a lot of people struggle with this concept even. It's like, oh, I've just been given this life, so I have no choice. It's just, I got to do what I've got to do. What do you say? What advice do you have to the people that feel like maybe their cards weren't so good that they were given?

Yeah, it's a— you've put 2 things together there that probably well should be together. You know, I believe we can be the designers of our own life, and I think we can in a similar way be the author of our own story. Being the author, now that I am a published author, is a really great thing because you can decide what to edit, you can decide what to delete, and then your story is more interesting to you, and it's certainly more interesting to other people that are hearing it. I think this issue of do you have choice— a lot of people feel like they're on a conveyor belt and they've decided to stay on the conveyor belt. That's a choice. It's a choice. If you wake up and you say, oh, I really don't want to go to work today. I just met somebody, said he spent 30 years hating his job. 30 years. I thought, oh my, that's horrible. Poor guy. I would not want to be his medical doctor. He's probably got all kinds of problems going on. He's actually a very nice guy. And he said, I'm so glad, grateful that we have— we're friends. I said, Yeah, you bet. You're cool. And I've never heard about this 30-year thing. I'm glad that you're past that now. But people make choices. They make choices about how they spend their time. They decide who they spend their time with. They decide about their habits. So again, you got to know what your habits are, the good ones and the bad, and routines as well. And then you can decide and take a look, what are emotions? What emotions? You make choices about that. Are you going to be positive? Are you going to be grateful? Are you going to be resentful and angry? You're going to be afraid? These are choices, actually. And you can sidle up to the bar of life, so to speak, and say, I'm choosing this. That's me. I'm choosing it. And the people around me may be making another choice, but I'm making this choice. I'm good with that.

Well, just like you, I believe we all have more agency than sometimes we give ourselves credit for. And one of the decisions that I made after starting to read personal development books was to implement a daily gratitude practice. I read that people that practice gratitude are happier and healthier. And it wasn't something I had previously paid attention to. And so, I decided, okay, for the next couple of years, I'm going to focus on this. Now, you have also written about the power of gratitude. That's something that we have agency over. What do your routines look like, Rand, and why do you value gratitude?

Well, thank you, Nick. Gratitude is so important that it's actually a whole chapter in my book. There are only 14 chapters, so, you know, you should do the mental math. It's big. Gratitude is one of these things where I refer to a study. My book is not a personal story as much as it is a Some research, some walk through life, some sharing of a lot of other people's experiences, a lot of quotes. And one of the studies I refer to is a longitudinal study talking about the 7 personal qualities that lead to life satisfaction and achievement. One of those is gratitude. And one of the quotes that I love to refer to when gratitude comes up is, The suffering ends when gratitude begins. So whenever I find myself or I kind of hear my wife, you know, begrudging something, I say, okay, that's clear. It's, you know, not as— it's not perfect. It's not great. It's not excellent. But look at all the things that could have been a lot worse. Look at all the positives that are coming out of this. And it's almost in some cases an invitation. We learn more from our difficulties than we do by the easy-peasy stuff.

That is so true. And it's interesting, you know, I'm like, gratitude has become such a big part of my life as well. It's kind of part of the ethos of Book Thinkers anyway, but I get almost emotional about it when I think about The fact that I was born in the US, the fact that like all these, these crazy things that feel completely out of my control, like the fact that I read books, the fact that I met Nick, the fact that I'm on a podcast with you today, like these things are so incredible. And I think if you start really small with just these hands, you know, I always like to, if I'm having a really bad day, I like to start with my hands. Like, look at what I can do with my hands. It's crazy what we can create and the things that we can make. And the fact that I can pick up and drink water, it's like. They're trying to do this in robots, and robots are having a very hard time picking things up. It's like the fact that I can just do it without thinking about it is amazing. So I just want to reiterate and just appreciate that and have gratitude for this moment because it's so— it's just such a powerful thing. I would love to kind of go back to the beginning of your book because I think this is a really— at least this really stood out to me. You talk— I think it's in the near the beginning— you talk about character. And character is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot. So, I would love for you to maybe unpack what character is and what it means to you and how people can cultivate a better character in their own lives.

Yeah. The very first chapter is about building character. And the first half of the book is this thriving personally. It's so foundational. If you don't have this together, you're not thriving personally, the rest of it is Very, very hard, maybe impossible, maybe impossible to accomplish. So, so what is character? Well, character is a combination of a lot of different things. It's, it is a function of your personality. For example, are you introverted? Are you extroverted? We live in an extroverted world. And so if you're introverted and a lot of people are, 20, 30% of people test that way. A lot of people are shocked when I tell them I test as an introvert. They go, really? I say, yeah, because The technical definition is you got to get away from people to recharge. The extroverts thrive on lots of people, a lot of commotion, and they just, you know, they have more energy at the end of all that. Well, no, I need to get away from that too. And I do my best work by myself in solitude. So character is also things like, are you taking responsibility? Are you going to point the finger and say, oh, it happened to me and so-and-so is responsible, the government's responsible for, you know, this person's responsible, I'm entitled, I'm, you know, this should be, should be, though should is a signal that something's not quite right. Do you have integrity? When you say you're going to do something, do you do it? Or not. These are all things. Are you a planner? There are many facets that I point to and try to unpack in sometimes humorous ways and sometimes referring to some very succinct quote by somebody else that then people say, oh wow, you put that quote in Exactly the right place in your book. So building character is something I've talked to many high school students now, and this is a really important thing for them to latch on to because the modeling they've had may be good, but it may not be complete. And what they've been encouraged to do may not really reflect who they are or who they really would like to So, this is, again, you got to do this for yourself and then stand up and take those steps forward, one step at a time, as you were saying, Luke.

Now, you've mentioned that you've taught this to a lot of high school students. What role has character played in your parenting? I'm curious. Now that Luke is on to his 4th kid, I just had my first kid, how do you instill that in a young person?

Well, I think there's several things that happen, right? If you're a good parent, you're there, you're paying attention, you're checking in, you're raising the bar as appropriate, or in some cases lowering it to make sure they can get over. Don't want to make it too easy and you don't want to make it too hard. So you got to be calibrating that bar. And you need to be modeling. Modeling. If you're doing talking and then they can see— I mean, kids are amazing at seeing the hypocrisy, and they instantly know, Dad says this, but Mom says that. Ah, there's a gap, so I'm going to exploit that. I mean, it's shocking how quickly they can see that. So you got to model, and you got to work with your partner to make sure that there's a consistent message. around that. So modeling's really important, and then you got to talk about it. So I believe— I mean, I have 2 amazing, amazing children. They have big brains, they're doing big work, and they got big hearts. I was actually going to write a book about that, you know, high-performing kids with heart. And I took a pause thinking, what if they later turn out to be not so great? So But, uh, they're, they're great.

They're great. Uh, not a chance of that happening. Not a chance of that happening.

No, but they, they have gotten, uh, this message by, by through seeing, seeing what's going on with me and, and my wife, but also in conversations. We had family dinner. If I wasn't traveling for business, I was home. When they were little, I'd get home and I'd read them a book, and sometimes it was 3 books, uh, before they were okay. I said, I I think it's time for bed, time to go sleep, you know. And but later, dinner conversations all the way till they went to college. What's going on? What's important? How do you feel about this? Here's what I'm struggling with. Here's a mistake I made. And here's how— what I'm going to do about that. I need you to— I need— I have to make an apology. I have to make amends. I'm going to forgive myself. Also, because carrying rocks around without forgiving others or yourself is a heavy load, not a way to go. So they've seen, they've seen the humility in me. They see a strong person, an accomplished person, but also a person who's willing to admit, to be honest, to be vulnerable, and to charge forward with very high standards.

I think that's amazing advice. We recently sat down with an author named Joe, Joe Disena, and he was sharing with us that there is an epidemic of unhappy, unhealthy children out there. And the root cause of that issue is an unhealthy or unhappy parent.

Yeah.

And so, it doesn't surprise me that your 2 kids are thriving because they have such great role models. in their life. And I'm happy that you shared that advice with everybody that's listening today. I mean, there are a lot of parents out there in the audience.

Well, good.

It's not easy to be a parent. Let's face it. And, you know, one of my laments, my daughter is just simply brilliant. She's a doctor and everything was going smoothly until somewhere in college, maybe after college. And that's when those kinds of teenage things— so she was well past being a teenager— came out, and she started pushing back and being aggressive and doing things that were very uncomfortable for, for my wife, her mom, and me. And I said, wow, she's just kind of a late bloomer with acting out. And, uh, we just have to do special care and attention. We have to listen to her. We have to, you know, Maybe, maybe apologize. Maybe there was stuff that was a little too hard. We were pushing, pushing for things that weren't appropriate for her at the time, or she didn't feel she could have a conversation with us about it. So it's hard being a parent, and it's— you don't know when it's gonna— when it— what's gonna happen. I'm actually, uh, gonna— I'm flying this Sunday to go to Arlington National Cemetery to bury my dad. Huge, huge towering figure. Yeah, you know, I learned a lot from him. I'm very, very grateful for what I learned from Dad and from Mom. I, I like to say that I picked my parents well. You know, this is something that can be passed on, and I've picked and chosen the things that I want to— that I want to remember and learn from. And one of the things that I've learned from my dad powerful and towering a figure as he is, is things that I don't want to do. I think that's a gift also. So I didn't have to buy the whole package. There's a lot to, a lot to buy into. And I think, I think he'd be very happy with me talking about this, and he's going to be very happy with my eulogy. I've given one a few weeks ago as a celebration of life, and I said, I think he's here. And I think he's smiling. Yeah.

What an amazing message to close out today. I, I will kick it over to Luke in just a minute for the final couple of questions here. And I'm sure Luke is bummed out because he has about 25 more for you, but we're about to run out of time. So, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your friendship over the last 6 months or so since we had a chance to meet each other. And thank you for writing such a great book and trying to be a positive light in this world and show people what you did to thrive because it's possible for everybody. We all have agency and we can choose hope like we talked about a little bit before we press record. So, I'll kick it over to Luke for the last couple of questions here.

Thank you, Nick. All right.

Well, I hate that this has to end so early, but so be it. We'll have another conversation for sure. I like to ask these last 2 questions. The first one is, where can people go to find out a little bit more about you and get your book and all that fun stuff? And of course, We will link it in the show notes.

Well, if I'm not overreaching, I want to mention 3 things. One, you can go to my book website, www.randselig.com, R-A-N-D-S as in Sam, E-L-I-G.com. You can go to my Amazon author page. I think it's very good. There's a lot of good information there. You can read testimonials, you can see lots and lots of 5-star reviews, and you can also go to my LinkedIn. That's my primary social media thing. So, that's LinkedIn/in/RandSeylig, and lots and lots of goodies over there too.

Beautiful. Thank you so much. All right. This is the final question and it's this. I ask all of our guests. If you pass away and all the information that you put out, the books, the courses, whatever you've put out, the websites, blogs, all the stuff disappears, but you can leave the world with a single piece of advice, what would it be?

Well, I'm happy to tell you I don't have an instant answer because I'm holding on. I'm building a legacy. I talk about it's very important to know what legacy you're creating and then live it, be living it. I think I am living my legacy. which is about excellence and purpose, about encouragement, and about love as I define it, being kind and respectful and listening and those kinds of things. So, today, my answer for that, Luke, is to have purpose, to know what you're about, what you stand for, what you don't stand for. People who retire, and I say, don't use that word, use rewire. to open up the possibility of a next chapter in your life. I don't know, you could be in your 80s or 90s at the retirement home. Have purpose. Have purpose till your last breath. It gives you meaning. It gives you a reason to be here, and you'll be attractive to other people too.

Such beautiful and great advice. Rand, thank you so much for coming on our podcast today. We've had such a great time. We learned so much from you, and I can't wait to continue learning from you. You are clearly thriving, and I love to see that. I want to model my life after yours and have similar thriving in my life. Um, so very, very grateful for you.

Thank you so much, Luke, for your kind words, for, for being the host, uh, with Nick today. Uh, you, you two are, uh, fabulous.

That is a wrap. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of Book Thinkers Life-Changing Books. It would mean the world to us if you could write a review and share this episode with a few of your friends. I mean, these books truly have the power to change people's lives, and by reviewing or sharing our podcast, you're helping us make an impact. If you have any recommendations for future guests or any constructive feedback for us on how we can improve our show, Please feel free to submit a form on our website, www.bookthinkers.com, or send us a direct message on Instagram @bookthinkers. With that, I am signing off, and I hope you have a wonderful day. Don't forget, go read something.