251. Alison Weihe | Belonging: Finding Tribes of Meaning

Hello, Book Thinkers family, and welcome to our personal development podcast, Book Thinkers Life-Changing Books. During each episode, we interview one of the world's top authors, and as a listener, you can expect to discover new books, new mentors, and new resources that you can use to achieve more and live better. In today's episode, we have the pleasure to interview Allison Vea, author of Belonging: Finding Tribes of Meaning. Allison is an award-winning entrepreneur, global speaker, coach, and the founder of Soul Voice Journeys. She's a former political activist in apartheid-era South Africa. Allison's life has been shaped by a mission of courage, contribution, and healing. She now leads conversations around identity intelligence, Conscious Leadership and the Transformative Power of Vulnerability. In this episode, you'll learn why sharing your story, even decades later, is a radical act of healing, how vulnerability and courage work hand in hand to reshape our identity, and why your voice, no matter how quiet, might be the exact thing someone else needs to hear today. Now get ready to learn and enjoy this incredible conversation with Allison Vea.

Allison, welcome to the Book Thinkers Life-Changing Books Podcast. I'm excited to chat with you today about your book, But first, before we pressed record, you were sharing with me that your book has been out now for a little bit, and you have something weighing on you. There's a seriousness to the conversation and how you're feeling. There's a vulnerability to where you're at in your journey. And I asked if you'd be comfortable sharing it because I think a lot of authors and even business owners that are in our audience are feeling the same way. And what you're articulating is something that. Most people feel and are not willing to share. So tell us where you're at in your book marketing journey.

I wrote this book from the bottom of my heart, from the depths of my soul. It made sense of my whole life journey, of the 60 years that it took me to reach the point to have the courage of my story. But it took me 30 years to have the courage to write my book because I've been so steeped in shame from something that happened 30 years ago when I let down people that really trusted me as a political activist. So in this journey, I poured my whole heart and soul into the book. I wrote naked, without armour, as Brené Brown says, from the opening paragraph to the closing paragraph. And I invested a lot in terms of just trying to get the book more visible, trying to get awareness around it, the relevance of its topics. It's multilayered in its messaging, as you know. But sometimes as writers, and I truly feel like writing is the deepest part of my identity, I feel I'm a speaker that writes, but my true essence is as a writer. And so having walked this journey of finally finding some wholeness through writing, I guess I had the sense that somebody would pick up on my book and it would really matter and it would kind of get a life of its own. And I've been on many, many global podcasts and spoken about the book. And whilst that has been incredibly enriching, beautiful conversations where I've really connected with almost every podcaster from— of those that I've spoken to, from Sweden to the US to Australia to different places, But at the same time, I feel as if the book is now sitting in the ether of bookland. And I think I know now how other authors feel, which I maybe didn't before. And maybe I'm being very vulnerable and honest with you tonight that I had a dream that this book could really change lives, and it sounds like such a cliché, but many people have said to me reading my book has been life-changing for them. It evoked something in them to evoke their story. But I'm sitting in that No man's land now, where I'm wondering, does my book really matter, or does it matter just for me and for the journey I've walked to become more whole through its writing? So that's what I'm sitting with tonight in raw vulnerability as I sit facing you. And I'd like you to pick up on that and say, How can that serve other people? How can my journey be of service to other writers?

I think in, in today's book marketing environment, you see a lot of perfect people with perfect lives and perfect books, and they're selling millions of copies. And unfortunately, that's such a small, inaccurate fraction of just 0.1% of the books that are released. And we need somebody like you're doing today, Alison, who talks about book marketing, I think, through a very realistic lens. It's hard to get your book in front of those that it's best positioned to serve. The average person is overwhelmed with thousands and thousands of different inputs Every single day through divisive news channels and social media that's pulling their attention in 1,000 different ways. And everybody's behind on their bills and arguing with their spouse and overwhelmed with what's going on in the world and foreign politics. And it's tough. It's tough to get a book like yours in front of the right person. But you said something that matters a lot, which is that the book helped to heal your pain. So I guess my question for you is, even if nobody else buys another copy of the book, was it worth it to you? How do you feel about that?

I think it was worth it to me because of the soul legacy it left. And even if it was just my journey of revisiting the critical moments in my life when I was on my knees and I got up again, and I was back on my knees and I got up again. And I think I'm helping somebody else at the moment who's writing a book after severe trauma. gang raped by 4 people in a lift. 10 years of her life she went underground, and she's finally having the courage to write her book. And the reason why I'm championing her to write her book is actually not about selling the book. It's about healing the hole where courage used to live. So maybe that's my role tonight. Not even to promote my book or its message, but simply say that sometimes writing is about healing the broken parts of us.

Yeah, I would say so. I think that's an incredibly valuable message, and I think it will resonate with So many people listening or watching the podcast. Emotional resonance was something that we talked about before we hit record today. And in a world of, of, like we talked about, like I mentioned before, there are so many different inputs and so many different things pulling our attention in different directions that when you, when you speak a truth like you're speaking today, when you open up and you're a human, Yeah. And you're vulnerable, and it's not always positivity, right? Sometimes it's really tough.

Yeah.

Uh, I think that you'll find people in the audience today who will resonate with this message and buy a copy of the book or decide to write a book as a way to heal that spot where courage used to live, like you said. So it's an important message.

Hello, Book Thinkers family. We are on a mission to change people's lives for the better, and we believe that the right book at the right time can change Your life, and the only way we can impact more lives is with your help. If a book has changed your life for the better, I wanted to ask you a quick favor. Could you please take a few seconds and leave a review of our show? Because if you're like us, you want to change not only your life, but others' lives as well. And by you leaving a review of our show, it spreads the word about all of these life-changing books and does just that. We greatly appreciate your help. By reaching more people, you help us change more lives. Thank you so much for your time. And now back to the show.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about why you decided that a book was the right way to share your story?

I think I've always known there was a book in my soul. I wrote when I was younger, but then— and I was a journalist for a while in the as a political activist. So writing and my— I loved words and I loved reading and I loved animals growing up. I was the unsporty one in a very sporty family. So books were my way of escaping the turbulence in my home to be able to live in other people's lives. And so that's one facet of it. But I think I chose a book because it was the ultimate vanquishing of the barking dog that I had lived under for 60 years. The barking dog that Sonia Chickett talks about, the author of 27 books. And I heard her speak globally at a summit 6 years ago, and she spoke about the barking dog. And my husband turned to me and he went— in the auditorium— as if to say, you have lived with that barking dog for 60 years. And so maybe writing the book was the final way of saying, this is my truth, and I'm courageous enough to write it without armor so that somebody else can read it without armor and feel and know that so many of us who appear to be apparently successful entrepreneurs, apparently have it all together, but you scratch the surface and my confidence isn't that thick. I don't have a thick skin. I have a thin layer of confidence. It took so much confidence to write this book. It took so much courage To put the words onto the page and then sometimes edit it 17 times. No ChatGPT. But in the curation of that courage, I guess something happened to understand the deeper meaning of my life. Why I became a political activist. What were the pivotal moments that shaped my journey? Why did I become a conscious leader? Why was I an entrepreneur for 26 years, and what were those lessons? And then becoming a speaker and writer— what did that take to rise again in my 60s? to put on a different identity. So now what I am getting, I am getting quite a few magazines wanting to interview me about my story, about angles of my story, and that feels comfortable for me. When people say, won't you write about the barking dog, or won't you write about how you overcame fraud in your company, or— And so I think what it does is it lifts the veil on the journey, whereas you were in the journey. But when you have to write about the journey, you are creating a movie. You are creating a movie of your life. And so I chose a book because it was my form of my own movie. That makes sense?

It does, it does. And you love writing. And you, you said something that I think is also an important note to mention, which is not often talked about, and that's that I have had a look behind the scenes at many of the largest author brands in the United States, at least millions of followers, large podcasts, big businesses. And it's a mess all the way up, all the way up. I don't think that there's a group of people who is protected against that thin layer of confidence or the mess that is humanity. And some people do a better job at Hiding it, but it's a mess all the way up. I've had conversations before and after podcast recordings with some very well-known people who have expressed some similar things, Allison, and they don't want to get on camera and talk about it. That vulnerability is hidden in a lot of ways. So I commend you for being okay talking about it. In opening it up and shining some light on it. Because just like the book healed that spot for you in a way, um, maybe it created some additional insecurities, uh, you know, as far as the number of people reading it and things like that. But it sounds like you don't have to carry that barking dog around in your head all day anymore.

I still have to navigate it sometimes. And maybe that's just a lifelong journey because with greater visibility came greater criticism.

Yeah.

And it was very hard for somebody that had spent 30 years overcoming shame in order to tell a story. And then when I became more visible, some people said, we've had enough of your vulnerability. Can you not just like, you know? And that's what I'm currently navigating. That's what I'm currently navigating is how do I hold on to my vulnerable voice to help other people? How do I hang on to my courage and remain true to myself? And help other people who may have a story in their soul.

Where does the criticism come from?

Lots of—

where are you receiving criticism? Is it on social media? Is it friends and family? Is it locally? Where does the criticism come from?

It can come from friends and family. It can come from well-meaning people that don't really like this version of me. Um, and that's the truth I'm sitting with tonight.

There's a— there's a— and I'm going to butcher this, but in the book Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari, there's a very small line that I think about all the time. And I don't think he wrote about this in the way that I interpreted it or internalized it, but it was the idea that in all of humanity, in the history of humanity, most people carried buckets of water and bricks and built things for other people. And the idea that stuck with me is that 99.9% of people lived under their potential. They didn't share the vulnerable or emotional things going on in life. They didn't try to positively impact Everyone around them, they just did their job essentially. And I think that the world needs more people like you who aren't satisfied keeping the shame inside and want to go out and help other people. I mean, if the process of writing the book healed some of what you were dealing with, great. But you didn't stop there. You wanted the book to be read by other people because you thought your journey and the light that you shined on situations in your life that you were uncomfortable with could help other people do the same thing. You know, so I just, you know, you didn't carry water or carry bricks or just do your job. You, you stepped out of line and you rebelled and you tried to help other people. And I think, and you did. I mean, you've told me That the book has positively impacted other people. So in a lot of ways, mission accomplished. It's tough to—I heard Lewis Howes say this to me one time—that some people are meant to serve the world in a one-to-many format, and others are meant to serve the world in a one-to-one format. No option is better than the other, and your book is one-to-many. This podcast is one-to-many. You are helping people in a one-to-many format. Maybe not. on Oprah. Not yet anyway. But the book is helping people, and that's black and white. The answer is yes, you've positively impacted other people's lives. And I don't think— again, back to Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari— like, I just don't think most people can say that at the end of their life.

I'm trying to sit with that, but it's percolating.

Yeah, it's, uh, It's an imperfect thought. Yeah, it just popped into my head. Wasn't anything I was planning to bring up, but there's a lot of pressure when you write a book and when you've lived a life like yours to want it to reach as many people as possible. And I, that's a very hard thing to do. I mean, if you were to go back a couple hundred years, 500 years, it was almost impossible to impact people outside of your immediate community. And we're having a conversation today that will reach people in dozens of different countries. And that's pretty magical. You know, you were born at the— in the right place at the right time to have your experiences and then be able to share them and now share them on this podcast and reach people all over the world. So that's pretty special.

I think what's happening for me is that there's a deeper layer of a spiritual journey happening for me. Having walked the book, having crafted the story, which is just like you said before when we spoke, it's a memoir, but it's not really a memoir. It's a memoir, but it's more of a personal development storytelling. It's more of an evocative story for me. But I think where I'm going to now is a deeper spiritual journey. Of what elements of my story matter to which audience the most, and focusing more on those pieces, and not expecting the book to be the vehicle of the journey. But that's something I've had to really, really navigate this year, is a deeper sense of maybe this is a marathon and not a sprint, which you know intellectually as a writer, but it's quite something else to feel it inside. And so that's the journey I'm walking, of finding— I've done radio interviews around the fraud. I've done, uh, spoken on stages on my entrepreneurial journey, different aspects of my life. But now more and more I'm feeling called to speak about the barking dog and courage, because that almost seems to be what I'm living through now. And sometimes we talk what we are living. And so right now I'm living that truth of what part of your story matters to whom, and only focus on that without fanfare, without great visibility. And just lean into what I believe— what's the message that God has placed in your heart? I think is where I'm living now, Nick. I spoke quietly at a church event on Saturday, and people were crying, and people were immensely moved. And maybe that's just where my life is going to.

I think you're highlighting something incredibly powerful and important for everybody in the audience to realize. And I'm, I'm still learning this, but it's the idea that impact and virality oftentimes in most situations sit on opposite ends of the spectrum. By definition, to be viral, You have to appeal to a more general audience. And to provide impact, you need to go really deep. And oftentimes that has to happen in a small, quiet, vulnerable niche environment where you're driving home one specific lesson from your life. It's tough if you think about the numbers to find somebody who's interested, you know, who's a female trying to heal her inner child who's also in political activism, who's also a successful entrepreneur and speaker and writer, who's also struggling with courage, who's also, who's also, who's also— like, that's a, that's a very specific niche-targeted person that you're best positioned to serve. And so, yeah, where does that person exist? And Sounds like that's the, the next thing you'll have to focus on. So who do you think you are best positioned to serve today? What lights you up? What kind of transformation do you love to see take place?

I love speaking to people. I think I'm positioning myself more and more in the field of mental health. I think that's just been the journey of the book. And I love speaking to intimate women's groups of women who battle emotional eating, who've been back. I did a talk on Saturday which is, it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you. And the eating was just a metaphor for all the ways in which we mask ourselves in our vulnerability. And the survival mechanisms that we had to use when we were younger, but then they become a pattern and a habit, and that becomes our personality, as Dr. Joe Dispenza and many, many other thought leaders have extrapolated. And so more and more, I think I feel drawn to speaking at that level, at a soul level, of what the cost of my not good enoughness cost me as a woman. What did it cost my daughter in the, in the not good enoughness that I unwittingly passed down to her more than my son? And so I think that's where my journey lies now, is speaking to the women that are grappling with identity, some of them younger, at this point in their life where, I don't know what my purpose is, I don't know what my meaning is. And I always say, you don't just— purpose doesn't just descend from the sky. You find your purpose as you find your way. And I've been finding my way for more than 60 years, and I'm still uncovering more. But What I find is I love speaking to older women who maybe have never thought they've got another chance to have a new identity. I created a whole new identity at 60. I started another company at 64. And so in that journey, I think I give people hope. that it's never too late to change your life. And I went from a couch potato battling anxiety, depression, yo-yo dieting, 30 kilograms up, 30 kilograms down, to a woman who stands— sits in front of you tonight, who is still battling some of the barking dog, but who's infinitely more whole. And who doesn't go to the fridge when she's under stress, and who moves to honor her body, and whose journey has actually become a physical— a spiritual journey rather than a physical journey. I think that's where my book is sitting as that part of that journey, just a part of the journey, and maybe The podcast tonight has evolved into a courageous conversation about a book is just part of your journey. You are not your book, but if your book can heal a part of you and give you the courage to lean into a slightly different identity, Then maybe that was its compass. Maybe that was its role in your life, to lead you to a different identity.

I think that's beautiful. One of my mentors, Rory Vaden, he's famous for saying, you are most powerfully positioned to serve the person you once were. Yeah. And it sounds like today This new version of Alison is best positioned to serve the version of Alison that was yo-yo dieting and a couch potato and unsure of what to do next and defaulting to food when she felt stressed out. And you're best positioned to serve her. And there are a lot of Alisons yo-yo dieting, stressed out, eating when they feel stressed, not really sure why. Not really sure what to do next. There are a lot of people that are experiencing that today, and you have the tools to help them because you've gone through that transformation yourself. And the book may play a part in your role in serving them so that they have a better understanding of who you are. And, or maybe you needed to write it to move on to the next phase of your life. But this, uh, Yeah. Yeah, this is a very beautiful conversation, and I'm happy that you felt called to share this with me today.

Well, I'm just being supremely honest that your voice can come in different forms, and we're in such a world of an attention economy and viral impacts. That we get into comparison if we're not on that treadmill of catching the wave, of catching the big wave. And I'm not catching the big wave, Nick, but I am surfing very small waves on the edge of the shoreline. And I think they still matter.

I know they matter. I, I think about this all the time. Comparison is only the thief of joy if you compare yourself to people doing better than you, bigger than you, right? However you define it. Comparison creates joy when you compare yourself to those that aren't at the stage you're at today. And so comparison is funny because it's totally subjective. It depends on which direction you look and how you decide to interpret it.

Yeah.

But like I said, most people are just carrying water and you're not. You're surfing, right? Most people are watching from the beach and you're riding little waves, and that's more than most people will ever do. And gratitude is focusing on the impact that you're creating today. Not the impact that you're not creating today. And you are creating impact. You know, that's thinking in the gain, not the gap, as Dan Sullivan would say. And you're doing it. You're actively participating, you're helping people. And, and that's the purpose of this. One other thing I wanted to mention on the impact versus virality side of things. Is that virality through social media or virality selling a book, like I said, it's oftentimes not correlated to impact. In fact, I know of so many authors, and I won't name any names today, that buy their way onto the lists And their book sells, let's say, 20,000 copies in the opening week, and it almost never sells again because it's not a good book. It's a book that they wrote, bought their way onto the list by buying 10,000 or 20,000 copies of the book and having it artificially routed to people. And because the book doesn't have any substance, nobody reads it, nobody passes it on via word of mouth, it never goes anywhere. And so it's a— book marketing is a tough game if the expectation is that you'll create a super deep impact with a lot of people. It's tough. It's almost impossible. Um, you know, but then the— I want to share one other line that came to my mind, Allison. It comes from The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel. He says the only thing that you accurately know about somebody who's driving a Lamborghini is that they have $300,000 less than they did before they bought the Lamborghini. Like, you don't know anything about them other than the fact that they have less money than they had before they bought the car. And I think that's true about a lot of books and about a lot of people who are viral on social media, is the only thing we know about them is they have a lot of followers. Or that a lot of books were purchased. By whom, we don't know. We don't know if they created an impact or if they actually rode any waves. They rode a big wave for like 5 minutes, and then they never got on the surfboard again. So it's more admirable to ride a small wave for a long time, I think. And so I really like that metaphor, and I'm happy that you shared that.

And I think Writing articles around topics that are kind of in my heart is a way of going deeper in my story, because now I'm talking about the barking dog, no longer the barking dog in the book, But the barking dog post book, and that's another whole journey. And so we live in such a complex world compared to generations before. And so to find your voice in the chaos, I guess, is the gift. And maybe my writing the book, because I do believe I have another book, but it's more on thought leadership, on identity and intelligence, what I call identity intelligence. So whilst I feel like there might be another book in the shallows, it's almost like life is writing my next book. Possibly. Possibly. Because like you, I didn't want to portray my book as, oh, it's a bestseller. And I, I just never even went that route. I wanted it to be, it's a book of value on its own. I didn't ever want to run that. Um, but like you said, you get the instant hit and then, and, and in fairness, some books are great and they do have that instant hit and then they continue to sell well and the people continue to market them well. So I've got a friend of mine who's just launched a book globally, and I think he did a very good job of a global launch, and he's continuing to, to work his book through speaking. So I'm not knocking that as a process, but I'm saying that I almost consciously almost went the other route of wanting the book to be judged on its own value. And maybe I almost underplayed myself to some degree, but that felt more real for me.

And that's okay.

And that's okay.

Yeah, I put out a book a year and a half ago, and my book was not nearly as vulnerable or memoir style. It was purely personal development, self-help type. And after I finished the book, I did over the course of 6 months about 100 interviews. And what was interesting about my experience was that as we would start to talk about some of the subjects in my book, the same follow-up questions started to come up that I didn't answer in the book. And it was a logical line of thinking that I didn't see. And these were questions that my target audience had that I wasn't answering because I didn't do any testing before the book came out. And then I heard Atomic Habits by James Clear. I heard that his book was written in the form of blog posts and mini articles over the course of 5 or 6 years in advance of Atomic Habits coming out.

Wow.

And they were micro-tested with his audience, and he would collect feedback, see what resonated most, see what the next logical question was to answer. And that kind of focus group testing of building the book with your audience is something that I never thought to do, and I regret not having done. I would've written a much better book had I done it that way. So we all have— my, my point in sharing that story Alison, is that we all have, uh, things that maybe we would have done differently. Or I think the moral of your point is that you did it the way that you wanted to do it, and it didn't work out the way you had hoped it did. But that's okay, because that's part of life. It is. And you're acknowledging that. And next time you write a book, if you do write another book, you'll do it maybe in a slightly different way.

Well, I think that book was at a certain tone And the next book, if I write it, would have a slightly different tone. But what I'm doing with my team, who are remarkable and visionary, and they're the reason why I do the work I do. And so we're developing a whole course curriculum around identity, particularly around women and vulnerability and vulnerability about our bodies and vulnerability about self-love and vulnerability about all of that. But it's a journey. It's a course curriculum that takes you on a journey of reflection with masterclasses. And so maybe in that journey will emanate another book through the building of a community where it becomes about our voices, no longer my voice.

Mm-hmm.

And ironically, Our company, the company I founded on the speaking and writing side, not the manufacturing side, is called Soul Voice Journeys. It's not Alison Byer, it's Soul Voice Journeys. And so I think that's my next layer. And so maybe if this is inspirational to other writers, it's about the journey. Beyond writing, through writing, with writing, to take us beyond carrying water. Maybe that's what tonight's conversation was about. How do we make sense of the story in our soul? Because I believe some of us come with a story in our soul, and when we die with it in our soul, We have diminished a part of ourselves. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it happens like that. Sometimes we didn't have the courage to tell it. Sometimes other things happened. But for those of your followers who have got the courage to know that they've got a book in their soul, maybe this conversation tonight is about that. It's about how can your book be part of your soul journey beyond carrying water.

I think so. I think that's a beautiful way to wrap it up today. Thank you so much for the vulnerability and for spending some time with us. And for those that do feel called to learn a little bit more about your journey, where should they go? How do they learn more about you?

Um, my speaking and writing profile is under my website, www.alisonmeyer.com. My book is on Amazon, but there's more about my journey on my website. I've done blogs for years. And so it's really about if there was something— and, and we are now developing a whole new course curriculum under Soul Voice Journeys to almost take people through a journey of claiming their courage. And maybe that's my next evolution, not just as a writer, but as a storyteller in different forms with my key.

Mm-hmm.

And so I would love people to tap into that. Because I think that's where courage lies.

Thank you.

Thank you, Nick.

That is a wrap. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of Book Thinkers Life-Changing Books. It would mean the world to us if you could write a review and share this episode with a few of your friends. I mean, these books truly have the power to change people's lives, and by reviewing or sharing our podcast, you're helping us make an impact. If you have any recommendations for future guests or any constructive feedback for us on how we can improve our show, please feel free to submit a form on our website, www.bookthinkers.com, or send us a direct message on Instagram @bookthinkers. With that, I am signing off, and I hope you have a wonderful day. Don't forget, Go read something.