Detoxing From A Toxic Relationship Part #1

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean. Hello friends and welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. I'm so glad you're here today. Today's topic is Detox from a toxic relationship. This is going to be such a great conversation we're going to have today. It's actually part one in a two part series. So next week we will have part two and I'll explain what part two is going to look like at the end of this podcast. So first of all, great exciting fun news. May 19, save the date. Mark that date on your calendar. May 19, I will be putting on a social media hands on workshop and Toll Oklahoma partnering with Tulsa Women's Fellowship. So Kim Spence and I have put together an incredible day for you. In the morning we are going to talk about creating your content, how to keep your consistency. We'll be building out a monthly social media calendar. In the afternoon we're going to create your branding style, put together some templates and teach you how to create all of those yourself as well as how to schedule your posts and get the most out of your social media marketing. So that is super exciting. That is May 19th. Be sure to mark your calendars and if you have any questions, send me a dm. I'm happy to answer any questions on that. I'll have more information coming out shortly regarding that hands on workshop. And then also, this is exciting too. So many great things are happening. Don't you just love it when all the planets seem to line up and everything just kind of hits on all cylinders and that's what's happening right now. Commit to be fit. My new health and wellness program is underway. You want to get a part of this, you have to be a part of this. It is such an awesome program that absolutely anyone can do. It's not about any crazy, crazy detoxing. It really is about resetting your metabolism, reintroducing different foods and real life. Real life. That's all it is. You don't have to order any special food or anything like that. It's everything that you can get at the grocery store. It's a very comprehensive program. It's health and wellness driven and as a result, you are going to lose weight while on this program. It's a lifestyle. It's not just a program that you start and end. It's a whole new lifestyle to be committed to your fitness and your wellness. It's very, very exciting. I'll have more information coming about that, but send me a DM if you would like to know more before I send out more info. Okay, so let's get started with today's topic. Today's topic is a tough one. It really, really is. And anytime I bring up this, this topic, my inbox is flooded with people that have questions. Absolutely flooded. So I know it's a hot topic. This is probably one of my most popular topics that I discuss in my one on one coaching for life coaching is definitely how to detox from toxic relations. So let's just be honest and say, say this. It's hard. It's really, really hard to detox from a toxic relationship. And honestly, it's confusing on so many levels. So if you, if this is you, then if you're in that toxic relationship, you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say it's hard. You know, at the beginning of your relationship, you were his everything. And I mean everything. You were made to feel like the most important person in the world. You were special. You were special to him. He made you feel special. You were not like any other person that they had ever been with. And they told you time and time again that you were a dream come true, that you were what they've always wanted in their life. And once they got you hooked, you were hook, line and sinker. And you were in head over heels in this relationship with this narcissist. You know, once he figured out that he's got you, that the hooks were in that you were head over heels, that's when you noticed his efforts change. And sometimes those efforts change within a month or two of the relationship. And sometimes it takes a little bit longer, but just out of the blue, you're going to notice that his efforts have changed. And slowly there's cracks in the facade. You'll start seeing just cracks in the stories he tells you, cracks in what you thought he was. There will be things like he liked certain TV shows, you thought he liked certain restaurants or things to do together and activities. And then all of a sudden, he doesn't like those things anymore. He doesn't want to do those things anymore. Slowly, the real him is revealed. He cannot keep up the charade forever because he was never his authentic self with you. He changed who he had to be because he knew what it would take to get you to fall for him. And he did all of that love bombing, all of the things that he did in the beginning of the relationship. He did those things to win you over. And once he had you, all of those things went away. All the sweet notes, the unexpected visits, the flowers for no reasons, all of those kind gestures just went completely away. And as these things were happening, you start to ask yourself, oh, my gosh, what happened? What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Why did it change? The first thing that you do is you blame yourself because you're thinking, you know, this is the first time I've ever felt this way. The first time anyone has ever done all of these amazing things for me. What did I do to screw it up? You know, you think that you've done something wrong because all of a sudden they've changed. And immediately you want to take responsibility for their change. But you know in your heart of all hearts that something is definitely different and something is wrong. Your inner alarm goes off. You know, how that gut feeling where you just. You don't know, but you know. You know, you know that something is off. Your intuition is telling you something, but you choose to ignore all the red flags. Have you done this before? I know I have. You know, your intuition is the alarm clock on? The intuition is going off and. And it is going off loud in your head and heavy in your gut. But you're choosing to ignore those red flags because you're holding on to how it was when you first dating or when you first were in that relationship. All of that attention and all of that time and how in love you felt. You're just hanging onto that because you're afraid you might not ever have that again, that what if this is your last real chance at incredible love? That incredible love story. But here's the hardest thing to come to grips with. Here is one of the hardest realities that you'll face. You felt in love. You felt all of the things, but he did not. I'm going to say that again. You felt it, but he did not. And through all of this, you start to question yourself on a deeper level because you have ignored all of those warning signs. Maybe it is me. He was so great at the beginning. I must have caused the relationship to fall apart. And a little bit of panic starts to set in because you don't want to lose that opportunity at love. By now, you may have invested years into the relationship. Maybe it's only months, but maybe it's been years into this relationship. So you try to talk to him. You ask him, you know, what did I do wrong? I thought you liked this. But now you said you Don't. And he gets a little aggravated with you. He gets mad at you, but he says, no, it's not you. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. It's fine. So you give him another chance. And you tell him, you know, I apologize. I'm so sorry if I did something to upset you. And you vow to work harder next time. And you're going to work so hard on that relationship. And here's the worst part of it. You are working harder. And the narcissist that you're with, he knows that he's won the game 100%. He has won the game because he has you scrambling. You're the one now that's working hard for the relationship. Do you see how those roles have been switched? How the switch has been flipped? How in the beginning, he would not leave you alone. You were the most important thing in the world, and now who's doing all of the work in the relationship? It's you. He has you exactly where he wants you because you are now scrambling after that relationship. And he knows that he can do whatever he wishes because you are stuck. You are stuck. You're hooked. And he knows that he has you blaming yourself for all of the things wrong in the relationship. You blame yourself for everything. Meanwhile, his mission's accomplished. He does whatever he wants, when he wants. And you are left scratching your head, holding your heart, wondering, what did I do wrong? You're left with that feeling that you really can't live with him, but you can't live without him either. In a way, you're addicted to him, and you're addicted to how he treats you. And at this point, you would pretty much put up with anything to keep him in your life, even when. Even when you know he is so wrong for you. Is this resonating with anyone today? Are you hearing this? That you can't live with him or you can't live without him? You're addicted to him. And you know that you would do pretty much anything to keep him in your life, even though you've had all of those red flags waving in front of you. And you know he's wrong for you. And trust me when I tell you this, this is a vicious cycle, and you will not win this cycle. You won't. So now what? Now that you are sucked into this relationship and you do honestly care for this person, you love him. And you honestly would do anything for him because you love him. And the hardest thing to come to reality with is the fact that he will never love you back. In the same way. So now what? How do you break free and begin the detoxing process? Well, the first step is to be honest with yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and decide when enough is enough. Now I want to tell you this. If you are in a narcissistic relationship and he is physically abusive, absolutely 1,000%, get out. Don't wait around, please. If they are hurting you physically, please get away from that situation. But once you've made that decision, you have to promise yourself that you will look forward and you will not look backwards. Once you've made that decision, the narcissist then will go on the offense and they are going to go back to love bombing you like he did in the beginning. He's going to work hard to keep you. He really is going to work hard to keep you because he's like, oh, she's onto me. I'm going to have to step up my game. And that's exactly what he'll do. He'll work hard to keep you. And you may be tempted to take him back. You might be tempted because typically you are someone who is loving and caring and you may be tempted to take him back. But trust me when I say all of the changes that he says he will make or he has made are temporary. He's not capable of change. Keep focused forward and focused on rebuilding yourself and your life. And it's safe to say that by now your self esteem is shot. Your self worth, it's non existent. They have stripped you of every ounce of confidence, self assuredness, all of the things that you used to love about yourself. They have stripped those things of you. And let me tell you this, your best friend, when you begin the detoxing process is time. Time is your very best friend. Do not hurry into another relationship. Please do not hurry into another relationship. Because friend, if you don't figure out what was broken in the beginning, what was broken in you to allow someone to allow that narcissist in your life, what was broken in you to allow that person to mistreat you so much to emotionally abuse you. If you don't repair that, you will only repeat and you will only make the same bad choice the next time around. The only person that you should be dating at this point is yourself. Make a promise to yourself that you will give yourself a year, at least a year to heal, a year to rediscover you. The detoxing process, my friend, is absolutely no fun. Honestly, it totally sucks. There's nothing fun about it. I'm not going to lie to you there, but you have to be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free. But feeling the truth, feeling the truth is generally not fun. Especially when you have been living in denial for sometimes many, many years. You have to allow your mind, your body and spirit a chance to heal and face the truth. Allowing his toxic influence during this time is not helpful in your growth and healing, which is why no contact is an absolute. Delete this person from your phone, block them on social media, do everything you can to have no contact with this person. You know, think about it like this. You know you've honestly suffered PTSD and you have to give yourself some time to heal. You have to, you know, going. Think about it like this. Going back to drinking wine is not the cure for alcoholism. So going back to a toxic person is not the cure for detoxing. He's not the cure. He'll never be the cure. You've been traumatized by years of lies, mind games, manipulation, abuse and brainwashing. You know, for some people, it's many, many, many years that you've been going through this. It's going to take you time. Like I said, time is your best friend. You have to give yourself some time to trust yourself again. Trust that you can make good choices for you. Build your self worth, confidence, self esteem. All of that takes time. So surround yourself with healthy people. Surround yourself with people that are in a good place, that are in a place in their life that you want to be be. Find a friend to help you keep accountable. Kind of like if you are recovering alcoholic, you have a sponsor, you have a go to person for when you feel tempted to pick up a bottle. You have a sponsor, you have a go to person. Find a friend to keep you accountable. Set healthy boundaries around yourself. Rigid boundaries, not just with the narcissist, but in general. Because by now you've been pretty beaten down and any boundary that you once had doesn't exist anymore. So you'll have to create some new boundaries. Say no when you mean no. If you don't want to do something, don't do it and learn to fall in love with yourself again. And that's sometimes hard to do because after coming out of a narcissistic relationship, you feel pretty cruddy. You feel stupid, you feel taken advantage of, you feel every, every bad thing a person could feel about themselves. You feel. And the reality is you've fallen victim to a narcissist. And when you need to give yourself that time to become that survivor of A narcissist. And once you've become the survivor, that's when you become the thriver after a narcissist. This is really hard, friends. It's hard. It's not going to be an easy journey getting away from the old narcissistic abuse and the old thoughts that you have of yourself, but you are absolutely 100% worth it. So just to recap, you know, time is your very best friend. Give yourself time. If you're interested in one on one coaching on detoxing from a narcissistic, toxic relationship, I am happy to help guide you through that. Contact me if you want to talk about one on one coaching because this is hard and you will need help. And if you don't do coaching, then get a counselor, get a therapist, find someone that can help you through this because it is not easy. You will need help and support and don't be afraid to ask for help and don't be afraid to be honest with yourself. So next week, part two, we're going to talk about detoxing. When you have to stay with your narcissist, think about that. Not everyone wants to leave the narcissist that they're with. Not everyone. Maybe you're married to a narcissist and leaving divorcing is just not an option for you. For whatever reason. Whatever reason you have is fine, but you don't want to leave the narcissist. I can give you some tips and some survival tactics to help you with your sanity and to help you with your peace. Now, I just want to say one more time, if you are being physically abused, please get out, get help for that. But next week we are going to take a dive into detoxing. When you have to stay with that narcissist, when you're in that toxic relationship. But getting out is not an option. That's what we're going to tackle next week. And trust me, that's going to be a great conversation too. So, friends, I want to thank you for being here. I want to thank you for being part of this wonderful group in this incredible community. If you're not a member of the A New Life Facebook group, send me a dm. I'd love to add you or find the group on Facebook. It's Pamela Jean, a New Life private group. Request to be a member there. It's a safe place. It's a safe place for us to have conversations about anything that we want to talk about. Getting help and support from others just like you is exactly, exactly what you need in your life. So, friends, thank you so much for joining me for this week's episode. It's an honor and privilege to be here for you. Have a great week, my friend. Thank you for joining us today on A New Life podcast. We will see you next time. Sam.