Empty Nester - Rediscovering Yourself after Your Kids Flew The Coop

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean, where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready, friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean.

Hello, my friends. Welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. I am your host, Pamela Jean, and I'm so glad you're here. Today. Our topic is embracing your next chapter, Rediscovering purpose as an empty nester. How many mamas out there are feeling this right now? You know, it's the end of August and you have already dropped your kiddo off to college. Perhaps you did that earlier this month and now you're dealing with a lot of crazy emotions. But we're going to dive into this topic because it's going to happen to all of us. Every. Well, hopefully, hopefully it's going to happen because let's just be honest, we don't want our kids under our roof till they're 40. Right? We don't want that, but yet we're not ready to let them go. Oh, my goodness. Is that you right now? You know, navigating life as an empty nester for the first time is not for the faint of heart. As mothers, we have poured our hearts and souls into raising our children. And when they finally fly the nest, we are left with a mix of emotions. So today we are going to explore how to find some new purpose, fulfillment, new adventures during this new chapter of our lives. And I think the thing that's most important for us to talk about today, too, is, and we're going to wrap it up with this bullet point, is what does our relationship with our children look like after they've left? I want to talk to you towards the end of the podcast about building the adult, adult relationship with your children after they've left, whether they've just left the home and they're heading to the workforce or they are heading off to college, because it's different. And I want to talk to you about it because it's really, really important. And I have some really great tips that I think will help you navigate that. So first of all, mama, if you are going into your child's room at home and sitting on their bed and wiping away tears every other night of the week because you miss them so deeply, I'm talking to you. You know, acknowledge your emotions. It's natural to experience the range of emotions. You become an empty nester. Part of the emotion is going to be absolute, pure joy. So happy for the fact that your kids have moved on to the Next stage of life. So happy. But yet your happiness is laced with grief and uncertainty and fear because you're thinking, oh my gosh, did I teach them everything I needed to teach them? Did I share this? Did I share that? What if I screwed up? What if I didn't do it good enough? As a parent, you question yourself and you put yourself in such a horrible predicament. But take some time and honor how you feel. They're a testament for how much love you have for your children and the journey that you shared with them. You know, if you stop and think about how many years you've been a mother, if your kids are leaving, you know your last one is leaving at 18 or 19 and you have older children, you've been a mother for 20 plus years. At this point, for 20 years of your life, your identity is wrapped around being your child's mother. For me, it's Nicole's mom or Jonathan's mom, or Whitney's mom. That's who I was, that's who my identity became. But if I think back to when I started having children, I was 21 years old. When I had my first child as a 21 year old, I did not know who I was at 21. I think that's fair to say most people don't know who they are at the age of 21. Well, after 25 plus years later, becoming an empty nester, I've become a different person from when I had children. But I don't even know who she is. So acknowledging your emotions is really the first step towards embracing your next chapter. Feel the feels. Feel the joy and happiness for your children. Even though, even though you might be laced with that, that grief, that longing and that heartache. And the house is so quiet. Oh my gosh, the house feels so quiet. After your kids leave, it's time to start redefining your identity. You know, you've devoted so many years to nurturing your children. Their entire life has been devoted to them by you and managing the household and getting them to all of their events, getting them to school, doing the back to school shopping, all of the things. And as an empty nester, it's essential for you to start rediscovering the roles of who you are outside of those roles as the mother, as the nurturer, as the caregiver. You need to rediscover who you are outside of your children. Consider hobbies, passions and interests that maybe you set aside during motherhood or you didn't even explore during motherhood because you simply did not have time or bandwidth or the desire because I know for me I just wanted to be with my kids and do stuff with my K. I had no desire to do many, many things while I was raising my kids because I just wanted to do stuff with them. I loved it so much. In fact, I didn't start working out until my youngest daughter turned 16 because I was still driving her to and from school and had that responsibility. But after she was able to drive herself, that's when I started going to the gym early in the morning before work. It just. I put those things on hold. But it's time to rediscover your dreams. It's time for you to dream again. Because let's be honest, you've been dreaming about and for your kids for the last 20 plus years. Now it's time to start realizing what your dreams are and reconnecting with yourself. You know, when we are caring so deeply for our children and our family, we can easily have lost sight of our own needs and desires in that process. Now is the time to start reconnecting with yourself. And how do you do that? I know you're thinking. I don't even know where to begin. I'm so lost without my house full of kids. Engage in mindful practices. Start journaling your thoughts. I know people, a lot of people resist journaling. I don't even know what to write. I'm not a good writer. I've heard all the excuses on journaling, trust me. But let me just have you start with this every day. Every morning. Make part of your morning routine. Start journaling about five things that you are grateful for. Five things. And it could be I'm grateful for coffee because I'm very grateful for coffee every morning. Your gratitudes may seem very surface and trivial at first. As you really embrace this practice of journaling your gratitudes, it will turn into a much deeper meaning. While while that happens, you're unlocking some dreams and passions through your gratitudes that you didn't even know were there. And take some time to meditate. Give yourself some prayer time. Give yourself some time to breathe. You haven't been able to exhale for 20 plus years. Now's the time. Nurture your physical health. I know as a mom raising kids, I did not exercise. I didn't eat as well as I could have and should have. But now's your chance. Nurture your physical health through your exercise and a balanced diet. Get on a new lifestyle health plan. Remember, caring for yourself has never been selfish and now is the time since the kids are gone that you get to start practicing a well balanced and happy routine. When it comes to your health and wellness, you get the chance to do that. So, you know, while your kids are now your adult children because they're off to college and you're an empty nester, while your children are embarking on their own journeys, it's an opportunity for you to start strengthening and cherishing other relationships in your life. Reconnect with your husband, reconnect with your partner. You know, let's be honest. Our relationships while you're raising your children with your spouse or your partner were put on the back burner. It was. I know it was. That's kind of the nature of the beast. You sacrifice everything for your children. It's time to reconnect with your partner. Plan some date nights. Rediscover the love that brought you together many, many years ago and revisit that love. Build that relationship. Start over again. Start dating again. Start planning fun date nights. Maybe you switch off every other week that he plans this week and you plan next week and you plan your date nights. You. You do a weekend getaway. My gosh, you haven't been able to do a weekend getaway in years. I know you haven't, right? Get a weekend getaway on your plan. Maybe every other month or once a month you do a weekend getaway. Rediscover the love that brought you two together in the first place. Foster those friendships with other empty nesters or engage in community activities that you haven't been able to engage in. You know, the friendships that you have friends out there, but you just haven't really nurtured a deep, loving friendship because you've been so busy with your children. Well, start a list of those people and start connecting with those girlfriends and schedule a dinner or a movie or a shopping date or something to start fostering those beautiful friendships that have gone to the wayside during your child raising time of your life. Look at the community activities that have been on the back burner because you just simply didn't have the bandwidth. You didn't have the time. Get involved. Find a church home. If you don't already have one. Find a church home and get involved with the women's Bible study or a women's group or the support systems out there that you can help and support other empty nesters. When you start building and growing community around yourself, you're actually creating the most beautiful and incredible support system for yourself that you can experience and also share with others. Embrace the Idea of new adventures. This chapter of your life, this empty nesting chapter of your life opens up a world of possibilities. Travel to new places, try out new activities you've always wanted to explore and do certain things, but you just haven't done it because you're busy raising kids. Even consider going back to school. Maybe you never finished your degree or you want to advance on your degree. Maybe it's time to do that. You have the freedom, you have the time and the freedom to do those things. Now you really have endless opportunities as you step into life as an empty nester. Remember, life doesn't stop here. Life actually begins here. A new life begins here. It's a new chapter that you get to start. I want to end with a conversation about how to navigate life with your adult children after they've left home. And I'm going to be the first to admit that I didn't do this right for a long time because I didn't know that I was doing it wrong. If I'll just be really honest with you, I just didn't know I wasn't doing it right. You know, when our kids leave home, the first thing that they adjust to is being 100% independent on their own. They make every decision. They make every decision, every move. They're responsible for everything in our minds. We're still the parent, we're still the mother that we were the day they left home. But the day they leave home and go off to college, even though they're going to be coming back in between the summers, between the next school year, I get that. But they are not the same people. Our children are not the same young adults when they come back after that first year of college as they were when they left. As parents, as a mother, we don't always navigate that well. We are thinking, oh my gosh, college has changed you. I don't know who you are anymore. I cannot believe you're speaking to me that way. I can't believe you're not coming home till 5 o' clock in the morning. We are appalled by what has happened to our sweet little child or sweet little boy or girl after their first year of college. But moms mom is out there. We don't want them to be the same. We want them to grow. We've given them the tools to make those good decisions. We've given them the tools. We've done our work. Our job description as we know it is over. Think about it this way. When your kid goes off to college, when your young adult leaves the home you basically are getting a pink slip. You're getting a pink slip because your job has been eliminated. Your job as the mother that you have always been has been eliminated. And you have to write a new job description. You can either start writing the new job description and understand that it will never be the same, or you can butt heads with your young adult every time they come home in between each school year. Those are ultimately your options. And what will happen if you do that? What will happen by their sophomore and junior year? They're not going to come home during the summer because they don't want to. That absolutely will happen. You spent all of these years preparing your kids to go off to college and grow up and become adults. You've prepared them, but no one's prepared you. I get it. You don't know what to do. You don't understand that your job has been eliminated. You've raised them. Your job description, your job is over. It's ended. Now you get to earn the right to become their friend. You get to become their friend. You don't get to decide what's best for them anymore. You don't get to tell them what to do. You are there on the sidelines if they ask your opinion. You can give an honest opinion, but there is no telling them what to do anymore. The expectation for them to be exactly the way they were when they left home in the first place, it is not a good expectation. You're only going to hit your head against the wall over and over and over and think, what is wrong with my kid? And your kid's going to be thinking, geez, mom is so controlling. She's got to get a life. She can't control me. I'm an adult. You have to let them be adults, and you have to also let them be the adult of their choosing. Oh, my gosh, is that not difficult? Because, let's be honest, they're not going to make all the decisions that you want them to make. Their dreams for themselves are going to be different than the dreams you have for them. The choices they make for themselves are not going to be the choices we want them to make. And we have to be okay with that. We have to be okay with that because they ultimately get to decide. But the really cool thing about it is we get to earn the right to be their friends. You get to build a friendship. Now, that window when they're in college, between the freshman and senior year of college, it's a little bumpy because they're adjusting and so are you. And when two people in a relationship are adjusting and emotionally charged and not stable, there's going to be some conflicts. You're going to butt heads. Plan on it. Just know it's coming. Know it's coming. But after you've adjusted and they've adjusted, the friendship that comes is absolutely beautiful. But you have to earn the right to be their friend. And you have to let go of the idea that they are the same kid that you dropped off at college that freshman year that's going to come home after their freshman year. They're not the same kid, nor do you want them to be. There's nothing wrong with missing them and longing for that time that they lived under your roof and you had full control over everything about their lives. There's nothing wrong about longing for that time. But the sooner you let that go and allow your adult children to make their decisions and let them know how much you support them, that, hey, I may not agree with that choice, wouldn't be what I would have done if I were you. But you know what? It's your decision. It's your life. You get to decide. It's so cool. Empower your kids to make the decisions of their choices. Let them make the decisions. They have to live the life. All the while, they get to either benefit from their choices or they have consequences that they deal with with their choices. You have to let your kids feel the consequences of their choices and don't give your opinion unless they ask. Trust yourself that you did a great job of raising them and that they will make good decisions. Believe in yourself. Believe in the job that you did. Give your opinion when they ask. And if they don't ask, don't give your opinion. It's good. That simple. It's that easy. That is the purest of unconditional love. So think about it as one chapter closing, a new chapter beginning that ends with an incredible, incredible friendship. So, ladies and gentlemen, if you're listening, I am going to wrap it up by saying this. This is not the end. This is purely the beginning. Embrace this new journey for yourself, because the best really is yet to come. Thanks so much for joining me today, everyone. Until next time, dear mothers, take good care and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.

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