Pamela Jean A New Life Coaching~The Empty Nest

Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week's edition of Tuesday Talk. Thank you for joining me. This week is going to be all about mothers. I want to get into a conversation and a thought process about becoming an empty nester. So every mother on the planet is going to experience this at one point or another, and it comes with a barrage of different feelings and emotions and ideas that come along with that. You know, when you have your children, oftentimes you're in your 20s. That would be pretty normal that you would be somewhere in your 20s when you have your first child and you spend, you know, 25 years of your life to 30 years of your life growing up with these children and teaching your children how to be independent and how to be on their own and how to thrive in this life. And while you do that, you are so wrapped up and so involved in raising your children that quite honestly, we forget about taking care of ourselves and we lose our identity while that happens. If you are an empty nester, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And if you're in the process, I'm here to tell you the feelings and emotions about being an empty nester are very, very real. When you're in the TR trenches. When you have, you know, three, four, five little kids under the age of 10 and you are literally in the trenches every day of trying to keep up with laundry and getting the schoolwork done and keeping that schedule under wraps, those days sometimes are very long and you feel like, oh, my goodness, this is just the longest day of my life. But reality is, the days are long, but the years are short. And that couldn't be more true. I remember when my youngest daughter, my youngest child got her driver's license and it was the first time in almost 25 years that I had been alone in the car by myself. I seriously didn't even know what to do with myself. Typically, I would turn off the radio and we would have conversations and talk on the way to school or on the way to events. We would always have great conversation. And then all of a sudden, I was in a quiet car. What do you do with yourself? It's like, oh my gosh, I can not that the radio station matters because it really never, ever did. That was never an issue. But I was by myself in the car. And it's a strange feeling. I felt isolated, I felt alone. And I obviously wasn't alone because still still has a very busy life with her being in high school. But it was just a very strange feeling and a sign of times to come of when that quietness happens in your house. And if you have multiple children, when the first goes off to college, the ones that are left behind, even though one child is gone, it feels like a quiet zone in your whole house. It's like, gosh, it's so quiet and it's only one child that had gone off to college. And then when the next one goes, and the next one goes and you're left with just one kiddo at home, it's just like, oh my gosh, this is such a crazy silence you're not used to having. But the empty nest syndrome, it really brings such a dynamic change in your life. As women and mothers. I feel like we have worked so hard to raise our children to be there for them. We're typically the, I guess let's just say it like this. We're like the sacrificial lamb of the family. Because oftentimes women will put their will put our careers on hold, we will put our interests on hold, our hobbies on hold, so we can be there for our children and our family. And we're glad to do that. You know, it's like something we've signed up for and we're okay with all of that. But during that process, when you do that, you become so focused and involved with your children that you lose your identity. You lose who you are in that process. And then when you have the empty nest, when you have all of this free time and this new freedom, oftentimes you don't even know where to begin. You look in the mirror and you don't even know who this is. This woman is staring back at you. And if you stop and think about it when you had your children, if it was in your early to mid twenties or whatever, at a twenty something year old young person, you don't even know who you are back then. And then as you're trying to find and establish your identity, your identity becomes that of your children, which is absolutely what we do. I mean, I did that myself. But what I really want you to encourage, what I want you to encourage you so much on, is during the process of motherhood, don't lose track of who you are. Don't lose track of that incredible, smart, talented woman you were before you became a mom. Not that you're not a smart, intelligent mother, but there's something about losing your identity in the midst of raising your children. It's a balancing act for sure. Whether you're a stay home mom or whether you're a working mother. I think we Both envy what the other person has. When you're the stay home mother, you might be feeling like, well at least they get to get out, they get to socialize. I am just stuck with these kids all the time. And then you have this moment mom guilt because you feel like you don't want to be with your children, but that's what you signed up for, but you really do want to be with them. And it's a mental, it's like mental warfare on yourself. It's this negative narrative about being a stay home mom, but yet wishing you had time away from your children. And then you end up with mom guilt. And that's just the worst thing that you could ever do to yourself is allow that guilty narrative infect your mind. And then if you're the working mother, you feel like you don't have enough time with your children because the pace is fast and you drop them off at daycare and then you go to work your 8 to 10 hours and then you pick them up from daycare and then you're going to soccer or basketball or volleyball, whatever it is on your schedule that day. And you're getting in the door at 9 o' clock at night, you're trying to get them fed, hopefully something healthy because they've been busy all day, you're busy all day and then you throw in that load of laundry and you hope to get it in the dryer before you have to turn in. Then here it is, 10:30, 11:00 clock and you're getting ready to go to bed to start that day over again. And then you're left with the mom guilt because perhaps you had to get onto your kids on the way to school and work and you didn't have really the time to talk through a situation or an issue and then you know, they leave teary eyed and hop out of the car and you drive to work teary eyed because you just had to get onto your kids and, and then you feel like you're just not doing it good enough. And then you let that crazy self talk start happening where you are talking about I'm a terrible mother, I shouldn't, I shouldn't try to be doing, being working and being a mom. You just beat yourself up for everything that, everything that you're doing in your life and then you're trying to be a good spouse, you're trying to be a good daughter to your parents or a support system to your siblings and then you have your friends that you're trying to be there for and through this whole process of trying to be the perfect mother and all of the things you truly lose, who you are through all of that. And I'm just here to encourage you and to tell you that every single mom out there that you think has got it together and that she is doing such a great job, she's so perfect. She always looks good. The kids always look good. They're always on time. She struggles, too. She's struggling just as much as you are. You may not see it, but inside she is struggling just as much as you are. I want to encourage you to take time for yourself. Take time to nurture the dreams that you have and stay in touch with that incredibly talented, beautiful, smart person you were before you had children. With summer coming right around the corner. I just want to remind you, remind you of this. I read this online the other day and it made. It just impacted me so much that you have 18 summers with your child before they go off to college and before they head out and move out, potentially. 18 summers. That's not very many summers if you stop and think about it that way. So how can you maximize the time that you have with your kids? Be intentional. Be intentional about the time you have with them. So that would mean unplugged. No devices. Put the devices away. Tell your kids you can't. No devices today. Because we are doing things as a family. We are doing things together. Create that special time to carve out with each child individually. Your children need one on one time with you. Much as you think that I don't have the time, please find the time. Put it on your calendar. If it's not on your calendar, it will never happen. That I can promise you. So put that on your calendar that you have a date night or a date day or special time carved out for each of your children individually. They need that. They crave that time with you. Carve out that time with your special or your support system. Give yourselves a weekly date night, if you can, or every other week or monthly. Make sure that you carve time out for each other and nurture that relationship so you don't lose yourself as a couple. And then all of a sudden, one day, all of your kids are gone and you look at this person that you've been with for all of these years and they're like a stranger to you. Because as you're growing and you're in the trenches of parenthood, you lose yourself. And oftentimes as you're growing up with your children, you're growing away from that significant Other or your spouse. So important to stay connected and stay on the same page of being parents together and co parenting together. If you're a single mom, make sure that you maintain your own identity. Seek out friendships, find those good supportive girlfriends and family friends and church friends, whatever that looks like for you. But I just want to encourage you to embrace yourself where you are with the type of parent and mother that you are. I know you love your children. You'll be lay your life down for them. You would do anything for them. But try really hard not to lose yourself in the mix. I just will never forget the feeling of when my oldest child went off to college. And I know many of you are going through that narrative in your mind right now. It's like someone poked a hole. There's a hole in your heart after that child left home and it's never ever filled again because that relationship that you have with that adult child changes. You're no longer parent child, you're adult adult. So that relationship that you had is different and it changes and it will never ever be the same because they're growing up. And you know, truly, that's the whole point. A friend of mine said to me I was getting a little bit whiny and weepy a couple years ago when the kids were going back to college and. And I'm just so sad I'm gonna miss them. And she said to me, well, you don't want the alternative, do you? Well, no, I guess I don't want the alternative. But all of those years that I was preparing my kids to grow up and to be independent and self sufficient and go off to college and live on their own and be responsible adults, no one prepared me. No one prepared me and I didn't prepare myself for that. And truly was left with an empty inside when the kids left. But it's a beautiful thing when you can look at your children and see them being successful, intelligent, incredible adults and coming into their own. And you can pat yourself on the back and say, you know what? I did, I did well. I did really, really well. So mothers out there, do not beat yourself up and shut off the narrative of mom guilt and feeling like you're not enough and you're not doing it right. Well, you know what? There's no manual on being a mother. There's no manual on the best way to discipline your children and to teach them how to grow. You're doing an awesome job. You're doing a great job. Don't lose your identity during the time that you're being that great mother that you are. Remember who you are. Remember your hobbies. Remember what you used to love to do. Take time for yourself. Carve out time for yourself. Put it on your calendar. Because if it doesn't, if you don't put it on your calendar, it's not going to happen. Write your dreams down. Don't allow yourself to forget what your dreams are. And know that the time, if you look at the radar of life, the time that you have your children, home is just a tiny, tiny dot on your life radar. I know the days are long, but I want you to remember, don't forget how short those years are. And once they get into high school, all of a sudden, boom, you're planning their graduation party and then you're packing them up in the car and taking them off to college. And it's such a lonely and empty feeling. But there is a great life after the kids leave home and you have that empty nest. It's a beautiful life. Just don't lose your identity in that hold true to who you are. Keep your friends top of mind. Keep them at a fingers tip, fingertip of reach to keep in touch with your friends. Keep in touch with that spouse. Don't lose that connection with that person in your life. It's so important. So happy Mother's Day to all of the moms and to all of those women in life that may not be mothers, but you're like a mother to someone. So happy Mother's Day to everybody. Thank you so much for joining me. Be kind to yourself. You're doing a great job. You're a fantastic mother. Get rid of that mom guilt. Be kind to yourself and be kinder. Be quiet. Thank you so much for joining me.