INBOUND Bold Talks: Jonathan Fields "Turning Your Tormentor Into Your Teacher"

So In March of 2010, my brain went a little bit haywire. I was getting off a plane in Austin, Texas, actually, to go to south by, and I noticed this odd sound in my left ear, kind of like a tapping sound, like a Geiger counter almost just clipping rapidly, rapidly, rapidly in my left ear. I figured, no big deal, right? Flying, you know, whatever. My ears hadn't adjusted, so I went throughout the day and it was noisy and I kind of ignored it. And then I came and I laid my head down on the pillow at night at my friend's house where I was crashing. And the sound is there when all the day drops away. Just click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. And it was tormenting me. I couldn't sleep. All I can focus on is, what is this? What's going on? So this persisted and got worse every day. Worse, worse, worse. Louder, louder, louder, faster, faster, faster. I wasn't sleeping at all. So I'm literally begging friends for something. So I start actually popping pills so I can sleep, which I don't normally ever take. So I finally get back from that trip and I'm trying to figure out what's going on here. And so I call my doctor, I go in, I get checked out, and he's like, oh, you're just flying. Your ears haven't adjusted yet. Whatever. Take some nose spray, call me in two weeks, right? Do that. It's just getting worse, worse, worse, worse the whole time. And over this window, the clicking, the clipping in my left ear starts to get joined by this whooshing sound in my right ear. I'm like, what the heck is going on here? Same thing. Give it time, it'll be fine. But I'm not sleeping. And the lack of sleep and the anxiety going on around this is creating fierce, fierce headaches. So in addition to now taking stuff so I can get even a modicum of sleep, I start taking other pills that I beg, borrow, and steal to try and deal with my headaches. Worse, worse, worse, worse. And I'm trying to figure out what's happening here. And I'm talking to my wife about it, and nobody can hear what's happening but me. So I can't explain it, but I'm suffering and I'm trying to figure out what to do. So eventually I go to the doctor and more tests, and still nothing really is happening here. Give it a little bit more time, it doesn't go away. And we get to a point where I gotta do something. So at the same time, by the way, I just signed a deal with my dream publisher and I was on deadline to write a book. And I can't write. The way I earn my living to create, I can't do. So what do I do? So I start freaking out because that's what you do. I'm also a New Yorker. So we add that on top of it and that's what we do. Neurotic New Yorker. That makes three fold, which is a little bit redundant there actually. So I'm trying to figure this whole thing out. And finally about six weeks in, I go to bed and I wake up at 2am in the middle of the night. And now the clicking and the whooshing is joined by this loud screaming, siren like noise. And I'm like, something, I must have left something on, right? The TV is on. I'm of the age where there was that sort of like thing going on with the TV when you turn it off in the middle of the night. So I'm fumbling around the dark to try and find the off switch. Everything's off when it dawns on me. This is coming from inside my head too. And I collapse on the couch with my wife and my daughter in bed and I just weep. So the next few days are a barrage of tests. I'm in soundproof booths, I'm in brain scans to try and figure out what's going on. Nothing shows up. And they rule out the big scary things, but still there's no really clear explanation for what's going on. Meanwhile, I'm not telling anyone because the moment I tell someone it's real. And the moment it's real, I have to have a conversation about it and that I don't want to happen. So finally we get enough information and the doctors give me the news. They say, well, it's this thing called tinnitus. Now they don't understand anything about what this is. In fact, there's so much confusion about it that the doctors actually don't agree on how to pronounce the word tinnitus. Tinnitus. Tinnitus, Tinnitus. Well, I say, okay, you know, where did this, so where did it come from? And they said, well, have you been around any really loud noises? No. They've been taking medication. Well, I've been popping like two different sets of pills for the last month and a half. I go run home, I Google online, right? Potential side effect of both medications is this tinnitus thing. We still don't know if that's why it's there though. So then I Go back to that. Okay, maybe we have a cause. So what do I do about it? How do I fix it? You don't. Some people, it just goes away over time. Other people, it never does. So I go. And I'm like, okay, I'm not done with that. And I go. I go online and start Googling. Now I have a word to Google, trying to figure out what do I do about it. And this leads me to forums and to discussions and to spammy product solution types of things which none of us in here would ever be involved in. And the conversation is doom and gloom and devastation. And this has destroyed my life, my relationships, my job, like, suicidal ideation. And I'm like, nah, man, this is not where I need to go. So I'm trying to figure this whole thing out and I'm talking to my wife about it. Where do we go? What do we do about this? Meanwhile, I can't write, I can't do anything. And it gets to a point where the sound eventually evolves. And one day my right ear becomes super sensitive to a whole bunch of different sound frequencies. And my wife sees me cupping my ear like this to try and protect it. She's like, what's going on? I said, my ear, it's just really sensitive. Certain sounds kind of scramble my brain. The sound of your voice is one of them. That is not a good thing to say. You're what? I tried to make a joke about it and she says, I want to cry. And she said, why don't you just take something so you can sleep? I said, because if that's what caused this and. And God forbid it makes it worse, I think I might kill myself. I can't believe what I've just said. That's not me. That's not me. And that becomes a turning point because I can't live like that. And I start to ask a different question. Instead of how do I fix this? I change to, if the best doctors in the world can't figure this out, if they can't help me, if this is me for life, what do I do with that? What do I do with that? So I start to explore a lot of my how do I actually live in this place? And there's a teaching in Buddhism which translates roughly to abandon hope. And I never really got it, but actually now I do. Because what it's about is not about giving up hope. It's about understanding the difference between circumstances that you can change and circumstances that you can and your job becomes how do I be OK with What I can't change. And I start to explore, well, where can I go? What interventions can I do here? How can I in some way get a grip on this? At the same time, the book that I'm writing or trying to write in fits and starts, which was about peak performance in business and art, takes a turn. And I realized through all the conversations and the exploration there that uncertainty, that living and leaning into and embracing uncertainty is actually one of the core traits of innovators. Over time, that becomes my salvation because in researching that, I start to go deep down the mindfulness rabbit hole and I discover all of this research about this incredible intervention, especially how people deal with it, with pain, with loss, with anxiety, with stress. And I'm getting exposed to this left and right. So what do I do about it? So I don't know if this is going to work or not. So I Google online right again, because that's what we do. And I'm like trying to find somebody. I'm about to give up. When from the Internet walks my tinnitus spirit guide in the form of a tinnitus suffering former rock drummer turned mindfulness based cognitive therapist named Bruce, who happens to live three blocks from me. Sweet. I asked Bruce, will this work? He's like, he could. Thank you. So he says, come in. I talk to him. He's like, here's the instruction. And I know what he's going to say. He says, focus on your breath. But if the thing that keeps distracting you keeps coming back, make that your focus. And I know he's telling me, you need to actually focus on the sound. The thing I spend all day running from, I now need to run into. So that evening I sit and I'm breathing and I try and just. I'm like, I'm not listening to him. I know better. New Yorker. Breath, breath, breath. No, I'm just like trying to push, push. It's. It's like slamming me from all directions. So finally I'm like, okay, let me just run into headlong the sound. And I start to shake because I'm so anxious. So I stop and I just deep breathe and calm down and I run into it and I shake and I stop and I deep breathe and calm down. And I do this over and over and over, night after night after night until it starts to ease a little bit. And then one day, a couple of months down the road, I'm sitting in my meditation and I'm focusing on the sound. I'm surrounded by it. And something interesting happens. My mind drifts from it without me trying. It just drifts from it. And that's the turning point. Because I realize in that moment that I have the capacity to just let it go, to be with it, but not be it. So Joseph Campbell said, in order to find your treasure, you need to actually walk into the abyss. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. Standing here right now, I'm consumed by sound. But I'm okay. I'm better than okay. Because that shift between trying to fix versus accepting and then finding and leaning into my practice, my abyss is the sound in my head. But it led me to my practice. My practice has now taken me from horrible to baseline. That was the intention. But that same practice, now four and a half years later, has taken me from baseline to extraordinary, to creating, to connecting, to sharing, to ideating, to building on a level that I wouldn't have been able to do before I had that practice. So here's the thing. When I look out into the room right now, my abyss is the sound in my head. Every single one of you have your own. Your own thing that scares you, your place of uncertainty, paralysis, that thing where wading into it terrifies you. But it's also the seat of your treasure. So my question for you today is, are you ready to wade into it? To turn your tormentor into your teacher and then the creator of something extraordinary in your life? And if not now, then when? Thank you.