INBOUND Bold Talks: Kit Pang "Listen to Standout"

Why don't you just listen? What if I took out a gun and pointed it at you? Does it matter who you are? Does it matter what you have done? Would you listen if your life depended on it? Lives have been taken because people have felt unheard or unwanted. Wars have started because listening to each other and finding mutual agreements were not an option. One of the worst forms of punishment in prison is called solitary confinement, where the prisoner is isolated from any human contact for days, months, and even decades. What do you think that does to a person? Having all your thoughts stuck in your head, not being able to talk to anyone else, will be acknowledged. Jesse Wilson, who has been in solitary at the federal supermax prison, wrote, loneliness is a destroyer of humanity. Three months ago, my wife Agnes said to me, kit, I want a divorce. You're not listening to me. I feel lonely in a way. My wife was in her own prison, in a place that we called home. In February, I was invited to give a TEDx talk on listening. Since January of 2016, I've hosted roughly 80 workshops on communication. I started a business called Boston Speaks to teach public speaking and communication skills. And now I'm here at the conference of my dreams and giving a talk titled Listen to stand out. I'm a big fat hypocrite. What do you think is the difference between hearing and listening? Hearing is involuntary. That means if you wake up and hear the birds chirping or if I started making this snapping sound, you're going to hear it whether you like it or not. Agne was telling me that she felt unwanted and that she was lonely and that she needed me to come home more. I was merely hearing what she had to say because her words went in one ear and out the other. I was still on my phone 24 7, out at too many business events and hosting workshops. Listening is voluntary. That means you have a choice. You can decide if you want to pay attention to the snapping sound or to what I'm saying right now. Something finally clicked in my head when Agnes said to me, so, Kit, are you telling me that you would rather spend time with people that you barely know at your networking and business events than spend time at home with someone that loves you? If you really care about me, then listen to me, because I don't know how else to get through to you. Ralph Nichols, who is the father in the field of listening, said, the most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. And to understand people the best, you have to listen to them. Listening is one of the Foundations of communication. And it's the way we connect with others. But here's the thing. We suck at it, right? Who agrees? Mm. Less than 2% of adults have had any formal education on listening. In our society, much more emphasis is placed on speaking rather than listening. Listening is not sexy. There is glamour and prestige if you are invited to give a keynote. Effective presentations can help you close a deal or gain a new client. And we have to be assertive when we state our ideas. If there's one takeaway that you can get from me today, it's people might be impressed by how well you speak. However, the people that actually matter in your life care about how well you listen. People might be impressed by how well you speak. However, the people that actually matter in your life care about how well you listen. In our world today, we have no time for anything, right? We're here, but we're not here. We're walking, but we're running. And we do things without asking why we're doing them. We're too distracted to listen, overloaded with thoughts. And we'd rather speak our minds, then pay attention. A Japanese Zen master received a visit from a university professor inquiring about mindfulness. The Zen master served tea. He poured his visitor's cup to the rim, and then he kept on pouring. The professor watched it overflow until he couldn't take it anymore. What are you doing? It's overflowing. Can't you see? Like the cup, The Zen master said, your mind has been so full ever since you came in. You are constantly preoccupied with your own thoughts, opinions, and speculations. How can I show you mindfulness unless you first empty your mind? Great listening begins when we first listen to ourselves by taking an in breath and releasing with an out breath. How many times did you say to someone in one day, hi, how's it going? And at the same time, how often do you ask yourself that same question? Hey, you. How am I doing today? What are you dealing with? Is there something going on with you? Am I doing too much? If you are not in tune with yourself, eventually that bubble will burst. And as some of you might know, we have these two things that we call ears, right? And most of the time, we forget to use them. We can all learn to listen to ourselves. And we don't need a smartphone to help us with that. We can simply just check in with ourselves throughout the day. And by tuning in, we get into a better place to listen to others. And if you do want to listen to others better, we first have to understand the bad type of listening. So here are the three common types of bad listeners. You guys ready? Yeah. The first one we call the interrupter. So the interrupter, no matter what you're saying, will stop you mid sentence. They have thoughts in their head and they just can't help but tell you what they're thinking about. It doesn't matter what you're saying. They have a brilliant idea. They have an unsolicited advice. They have something that's way more important than what you have to say. They might have already constructed a whole paragraph before you even finish your first sentence. So this way they missed out on your whole message because they interrupted you. Second, we have the close minded listener. Close minded listeners tend to stick to the ways they have been doing things. How hard is it to convince your parents to try something new? Close minded listening is also the inability to understand why people do things differently from you. So when you close off your mind and your ears, you're shutting off all communication and opportunities for growth. A great artist once said a. Our mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it's not open. Third, we have the pretender. Mm, mm. Yeah, that's funny. The pretender fakes listening by giving you verbal lip service. They want to make a good impression, but in reality, it hurts both the speaker and the listener. They have thoughts and speculations and opinions in their minds and action items they'd rather get to than listen to you. Listening is such a crucial skill for success because if it's done right, it's an asset that can serve us for our entire lives. But at the same time, it could also be a liability that can harm us if we don't know how to use it right. On the day that I got married, I promised my wife that I would make her the happiest girl in the world. In case you're wondering, yes, we are still married. We don't wear rings, but yes, we are still married. But it's up to me now to become a better husband and a better best friend. My wife is my mip, most important person in the world. And the only way that I know that I can show her that is is by truly listening to how she feels, what she wants, and just listening to her. So here are three quick tips that will help you become a better listener. With your friends, with your clients, with your co workers, and even your own mips. The first tip, you have to listen with your body. Okay, Follow me with this one. What do you think is the most honest part of your body. It's not your eyes, it's not your chest, it's not your wrist. It's actually your feet. Your feet, along with your legs, are the part of your body that is most likely to reveal a person's true intentions. So, for example, have you ever had a chat with someone and one of their feet is pointed towards the door? That probably means I want to go, right? So Joe Navarro, who is an FBI agent and a body language expert, he says your feet are the most honest part of your body. If you don't like someone, you may smile at them, but your brain won't let your feet near that person. So if you really want to listen to someone, turn your feet to that person. You're going to turn your body, you're going to turn your head, you're going to turn your eyes to connect with that person. Internally, you are deciding to say, hey, I going to listen to someone else. You're going to show them that you're listening to them with your full body and your mind. Second tip. You want to apply the 8020 rule. In your last conversation, how often were you speaking? If you were speaking 80% of the time, that probably means you were not listening. Instead, aim to listen for 80% and speak for only 20%. Let your conversation partner dominate the conversation. You can keep on asking questions. You can share a little bit of a story about yourself, but let it be about that person, because the most important thing is about them. Third, it's not a tip on how to listen. It's a tip on how to think. It's a way of thinking. It's a mindset of having an abundance of time for the speaker. One of our biggest problems in listening is that we don't have enough time and we are too distracted. According to a study, the human attention span dropped from 12 seconds in 2002 to 8 seconds in 2013. 1 second less than a goldfish. So the lesson here, don't be a goldfish. Your clients, your friends, your co workers, your loved ones deserve your time. And that is one of the best gifts that you can give them, the gift of listening to them with undivided attention. Amazing listening is like an amazing hug. Do you remember the last time you received one? When you give a hug, you have to be present, you have to be caring, and you have to be open to embrace the other person. Like giving an amazing hug, listening works wonders and can leave a lasting impression long after you've left the room. Thank you for listening.