Teresa worries self-improvement will erase who she is. Ramit explains that resistance often comes from exaggerating how extreme change must be. He recommends picking one specific skill to practice incrementally, which reveals your core self rather than replacing it.
Girl, you need to leave him. He needs to work for you. This is a really, really interesting question from I Will Teach youh Be Rich reader Teresa. She asks, what is the difference between changing yourself for the better and losing your identity of who you are now? I don't want to become someone else to get ahead. I don't believe conformity is the answer. I am uniquely different from and I want to keep those qualities that I value dearly. So I love this question because it reminds me of so many of my guy friends who were looking for a girlfriend and they would say something like, I don't want to change myself. She should love me for who I am. And it made me want to vomit. I'm looking at them, they're overweight, they're wearing the same Google shirt they've been wearing for six years, which they got for free. And they say, I don't want to change myself at all. And I think to myself, why are you such a catch? What makes you think you're so great? Why would anyone want to be with you? But in their heads they say, I'm not going to change for anyone. And by the way, women are no different. It's actually worse for women. How many women do you know where girl will be talking about a guy, oh, he didn't call me this week or something, and her friends will say, girl, you need to leave him. He needs to show you how much he wants you. He needs to put in some work, right? How often are women honest with each other to. To say, you know what, you're trying to get this A plus caliber guy. Are you sure you're A plus caliber? What makes you so great? Could you perhaps become more interesting? Hit the gym, dress better, do all kinds of different things. Just as men should be asking themselves the same thing, but instead it's much easier for us to say the other person needs to change. Instead of taking a hard look inside ourselves and, and realizing that if we want to attract that A plus caliber person, perhaps we need to work on ourselves to bring ourselves up there as well. Now, I call this an extreme reach barrier because it is one of the deepest invisible scripts we have. We'll say to ourselves, I don't want to change myself because I'll lose what is quintessentially mine. I used to think the same thing. I was in college, you know, I was a skinny Indian dude. And I would say, I don't want to work out because. Because I'll become one of those big jocks. Those were literally the words I used to myself, as if working out and drinking a protein shake would change my entire character. It wouldn't, but that was the most ridiculous script that I repeated to myself over and over. And I call these extreme reach barriers, because this is how they work. You say to someone, they might ask you, how'd you lose £20? You look amazing. And you say, well, you know, I've just started eating healthier and working out. And they'll say, oh, so you're saying I have to work out seven days a week and only eat carrots for the rest of my life. That is an extreme reach barrier. Instead of saying, oh, so I could probably cut back a little on carbs and maybe go to the gym a little bit more, they say, you're saying I'm going to have to do all of this extreme stuff for the rest of my life. That is an extreme reach barrier, and it's a very adaptive technique we use to not change. Now, from your question, I actually think you may be doing the same thing. Say, how do you reconcile improving yourself for the better without losing what is quintessentially yours? I think you can reconcile those things. I don't think they have to be an extreme reach barrier. For example, if you want to be a better conversationalist, that is a skill. That's not something people are just born with. That is a skill. If you were to become a better conversationalist by systematically studying amazing conversationalists, by practicing, by creating interesting stories and then testing them, that wouldn't actually change you for the worse. That would actually unlock what is quintessentially yours and let it shine through. Same thing can be said of dressing well. Just because you dress a little bit better doesn't mean you're changing what's inside. It's actually allowing that to shine through. Now, I'm not telling you how to dress. If you want to dress preppy or you want to dress grungy or whatever, it may be cool. By dressing better for your style, you can actually let your best self shine through. See, when I was thinking about working out and I was so adamantly against protein shakes, I didn't really understand how protein worked. To become a bigger guy, I just thought to myself, I see guys who are drinking protein shakes, and I'm not like them. And while I'd like to be bigger, I don't understand all this sports stuff, so I don't want to change. And the way I resolve that distance was to say, I don't want to be like those jocks. Now over time I practiced it, I learned about it, I learned the role of protein and growing, etc. And that's when I said, okay, I'm comfortable changing myself. But the fact is that script I said to myself over and over was simply a fear based mechanism to avoid change. So I would say, first of all, acknowledge that you can change. Step one, you can change. You can become a better conversationalist, you can become more attractive. You can do all these things that people think are just natural. Many of them are just skills. Second, pick one thing to improve. Maybe it's speaking up at dinner parties. Okay, perfect. Practice that. Create a plan, evaluate yourself, think, what could I do better? How am I going to do this? How to. Am I going. How am I going to become an entertaining guest at a dinner party? And third, realize that as you practice these skills, they are not going to be taking away from your quintessential self. They're actually going to be letting your best self shine through. Thanks for the question.
