Ramit Sethi explains why blunt honesty reads as rude and shows how to fix it. Watch how your most liked friend responds to things, then copy their phrasing. Socially skilled people balance candor with sensitivity by listening first and reading the room.
All right, today, a very interesting question on social skills. And as I read the question, I want you to look closely for the code words that this reader uses. Here's the question from Grant D. Grant says, I'm always at an impasse with how I communicate to others. I tend to be too honest. Some people would rather be lied to than told a truthful and honest opinion. Should I just read people and tell them what I think they can handle or just be open with them? Sometimes people find it refreshing and thank you for the candor. But others scoff at your opinion and hold it against you. Did you spot the code words in that question? Who talks like this? Who says they can't handle me being honest? Do you know what kind of person an asshole? They're the kind of person who looks at this question as it's either me being honest or me not telling them the truth. That's not the way highly socially skilled people talk. Not at all. Because what they understand is, yeah, you can be honest, but you don't have to be 100% honest the first time you meet someone. That makes you an asshole. I know because I used to do this. See, here's what would happen. People would come around. They'd be like, oh, Ramit, I got my fifth overdraft fee. I hate banks. And then I would be like, well, maybe you should take responsibility for your financial life. And they're like, who is this guy? Why is he talking to me like this? And the truth is, was I technically right? Yeah, probably. But that didn't matter because they shut down instantly. And so what I learned over time, and as I constantly learned, because this is a constant struggle for me, is be more sensitive. By the way, I love that I'm calling myself sensitive on my own videos, but I run this shit, so I can say whatever I want about myself. Thank you very much. Here's the deal. People don't just crave information alone. Like, if they have five overdraft fees, they know they're doing something wrong. If they're 50 pounds overweight, they know they have a diet and exercise issue. It's not like they don't know. There are other ancillary factors that are actually more important. For example, have they tried anything else? What have they tried? Has it worked? Has it failed? Who's their peer group? What would their peer group say if they succeeded? And what would they say if they failed? These are all the subtle factors that are even more important than information alone. So here's what you can do to actually improve your own skills in being more sensitive. Take one person in your peer group, your friends, someone who's universally liked, right? No one's got a bad word to say about them at all. And watch how they answer questions. If someone comes up to them and says, ah, I really don't like Mike, he's so annoying. Watch how they respond. I guarantee it's different than how you would respond. Okay? So then after you've studied them, after you've kind of learned, oh, wow, they really have a different way of answering questions, try to model it yourself. The next time someone baits you, they say something like, oh, I just can't lose these ten pounds. Even though you know they never go to the gym, do not just blurt out your first answer. Really think to yourself, how would my friend answer that? And when you do this, not only are you modeling their behavior, in other words, their answers, but over time you will actually change your internal psychology. So don't think that being honest is the only or most important thing. They're actually much more important things than being honest. Because most people don't crave honesty, at least at first. What most people want is someone to listen to them non judgmentally and be their friend. Think about that the next time you get a question where you would normally answer in a brutally honest way. Thanks for the question.
