“Her credit card debt is stopping us from getting married”

Why are you still putting things on your credit cards that we aren't? You aren't paying off every month? I'm not going to bring all of mine to the table to piss it away, because that's what's happened for two years. We've made $180,000 and we have nothing. Except you live with me in my world that I help facilitate and try to make your life easier. In a way, I feel sometimes like I pay a tax for you living here.

If we're just going to continue down this, like, road of parallel lives, if we're not going to do this and if we're not going to become this team and, like, really attack life and create this, like, extraordinary life, then I have to rethink why I'm here.

Becky's 42 years old. Dustin is 36. They've been together for four years. They're not married, and she moved from California to North Carolina into his house. Becky feels like they are not making progress in their relationship. And, of course, money is playing a huge role in this. Now, before I speak to a couple, I review their applications. I look at the notes, but I try not to make any judgments because I want to hear their stories. In this case, Becky was the one who filled out the application. She mentioned she was frustrated that he hasn't proposed, frustrated that she moved across the country, leaving all her friends and family behind, frustrated that they keep their money separate and he never seems to have money to improve their house, even though he has money for other things. Before we dive into this episode, I want to make sure you're signed up to get my 2023 gift guide. This Saturday on my newsletter, I'll be sharing the system for giving amazing gifts and how I automatically save for them, how I find unique gift ideas, and, of course, three holiday gifts that I'm excited to give this year. You can only get it this Saturday, December 9, by making sure you are signed up for free@iwt.com podcast newsletter. Now let's hear from Becky and Dustin. How often do you talk about money in your relationship?

Once a week?

Yeah, at least once a week.

And what's the context when it comes up?

It's normally Becky trying to get me to spend money on something.

Okay. Is that true, Becky?

I don't think that's probably 100% accurate, but I probably do bring it up the most. We talked about it a lot because it's definitely. It's a big deal to Dustin. Like, it's kind of like his big red flag. And from the very beginning, it was like, I'm not going to be with someone who has these patterns with money, and I'm not going to be with someone who, you know, like this and that. So, I mean, money's always kind of been there.

We're trying to figure out how to bring our money together and a few other things, but not really.

Okay, how long you been trying to figure that out?

I guess, like, since she moved in.

How long ago is that?

Two years. What?

Trying to figure out how to combine your income for two years?

Yeah. Everybody does it differently, I guess.

No, speaking as the guy who wrote the book on it, that's not normal. All right, Two years. That's like me going to Taco Bell and saying I've been trying to figure out what to order at Taco Bell. You know, they got the Crunch Wrap, but then they also got those cinnamon twists that all Indian people love. And then you go, well, Ramit, how long you been thinking about this Taco Bell menu?

Two years.

And everyone in the room is like, drop dead silent. They're like, what the. Like, what's the problem? Two years. That's a long time. All right. Okay, okay. Dustin goes, all right. Becky, do you think it's a long time to go two years trying to figure out how to combine your income?

Everything takes Dustin a long time.

Did I catch that you were married before?

Yes. Yes.

Okay, and how long were you married for?

I was married for 10 years. High school sweetheart, sweethearts. We were together 15.

All right, and now. And you two have been together for how long?

Four years.

Okay, how serious is this on a scale of 1 to 10?

10.

I feel like I've just kind of gotten to the point because I had to get here with some other issues where it was just like, I have a choice to make. I can either be with him and accept that he takes longer than I like to do things, or I cannot be with him.

And what did you decide?

I'm still here. It's just that we have talked about combining and, like, taking this next step forward, like, you know, combining our finances, getting married, doing. Doing the things. And we kind of talk about it, and we agreed that end of this year we're going to do it. But when we try to come up with, like, what is that going to look like? We kind of talk about it, but then we can't really come to a conclusion. So then we just stop talking about it. I just feel like this pattern has kind of really overwhelmed me. I feel the most when it comes to Money because he really does make the big decisions, because, as he's going to tell you, like, he has the money. So it's just not a great feeling for me, especially when I feel I've given up a lot for this relationship to work. I just want to feel like we are actually a unit and a partnership and, like, we're going to do this thing, because if not, if we're just going to continue down this, like, road of parallel lives, I'm. I don't want to. I'm missing out on a lot. I have elderly parents. They live in California. My family's in California. My friends are in California. My gym's in California. My whole life is in California. And if we're not going to do this and if we're not going to become this team and, like, really attack life and create this, like, extraordinary life, then. Then I have to rethink why I'm here.

And what does rethink some things mean? I feel like that's a word or phrase that we're not really being specific about.

I mean, rethink if this is the right relationship for me.

Okay.

I not only live in Dustin's space state life, but also on Dustin's timeline, when he's ready to do things. That's when we do things. We couldn't be in a committed relationship until Dustin was ready to do that. We couldn't move in together until he was ready. We couldn't say I love you until he was ready. It feels like I am in a position where one, I am having to prove myself like, that I'm worthy of being a partner, that I have to prove that I can show him that I can be responsible with money in order for him to want to build a life with me. Things that I want or I feel are important maybe don't get done or happen because, you know, he has the money.

Takes a lot of courage to say. I know it can't be easy. And I suspect from the way you said it that you've probably thought about it a lot. So thank you for opening that up to me. Dustin, what do you hear when you heard Becky say that?

I've kind of already knew most of that without her saying it, but what.

Do you hear when she said it?

She's upset. I mean, I guess my. So the root of it would be, I guess, like, we're trying to figure out how to combine finances, but when she moved in, she had a bunch of credit card debt and stuff like that. So I was like, hey, I'm Gonna help out. I'm gonna do these things. This is all I need you to do.

Do these things means what?

Like, all she had to pay for was, like, our groceries for the house.

You paid for everything else?

Yeah, pretty. I mean, for the most part, I think we can somewhat agree to. I didn't pay her car payment and stuff like that.

Okay.

So I took care of all that under the assumption, like, this credit card debt would be paid off. And I was told it was gonna be like a year and a half or a year and three months, and it's turned into, like, two years.

And how do you feel about that, Dustin?

I'm not super comfy. I kind of figured out a lot of it where it stood here recently when we filled out the little paperwork. Because I don't ask. Because I don't. I try not to ask so there's not some sort of conflict.

All right, so you came into this relationship and sounds like you talked about money early on. Like, how did he come to know about your credit card debt?

He asked, like, really early, before I moved here.

Damn.

Now that is unusual. I like that. What'd you say, Dustin? You hand it over a questionnaire, fill this out, and make sure you hit all those required fields, because I need to know this information.

No need to find out later.

So what was it like, Becky, hearing that? That's quite a direct, assertive set of questions. I kind of like that. How did it feel for you?

I mean, it was fine. Our first six months of dating was all talking like we were 3,000 miles apart. I was still living in California. He was living in North Carolina. So, I mean, we. Questions were. It's kind of like a joke. Like, we would look up these lists of questions. We would. I mean, we. That's all we did. So, you know, we were both going through some tough times. And the only. Really, the only reason that our relationship worked was that we were, like, uncomfortably honest about things from the get go, and we were not scared to have hard conversations early on. Really early on.

Dustin tells me that you had credit card debt. How much credit card debt did you have back then?

I had two loans that were like. They weren't credit cards. They were loans. They were like 8,000 and 9,000 maybe. And then I had two credit cards that were probably 4 and 5 somewhere around there.

So you had $26,000 of debt?

I think that was about right. Let me.

All right.

I know she has a good career, so it doesn't scare me. There just needs to be a plan to you know, take care of it, I guess.

This is a conversation I've had with my friends. Back when we were single, if you found out the person you were dating had debt, would you be okay with it? And then naturally, the question came, how much debt? What kind of debt? If it was $10,000 in student loan debt, nobody cared. If it was $25,000 in credit card debt, people definitely cared for. A lot of people I was talking to, they told me it speaks to a lack of control with money, maybe behavioral issues with money. Well, one thing I talk about is that if you have debt, any kind of debt, the most attractive thing you can do is have a plan and be open about it. Like, yes, I have this debt. I went to school for a master's or when I was in my 20s. I wasn't paying attention to my finances. But now I've read books, I've listened to podcasts. I've made a change, and I'm paying off my debt aggressively. I know exactly when I'll be debt free, and it's important to me to be in control of my money. How can you not love that? If you are not sure how to make that plan and you want the help of other people who have paid off their debt and they're improving their money to live a rich life, you can join my coaching program@iwt.com moneycoaching it's.

Hard to tackle life if you're $28,000 in credit card debt.

True. Did you tell her that?

I mean, pretty much, yeah.

What does that mean? Pretty much?

Like, when she moved in, you know, when she finally moved in here, I was like, you know, when she was living in about an hour and a half away, it's none of my business, I guess, but once she moved into the house, I was like, things are getting pretty serious. So what is our plan to take care of these things? Because I don't want to just paddle upstream the rest of my life.

Dustin, is it fair for me to say it's really important for you that your partner is not in credit card debt?

Yeah, I'm not really prioritizing saving for vacations. I don't see why we should be going on any.

Well, we made a plan. He said, I'll pay all of the. You don't have to pay me rent, and you don't have to pay for utilities. You just pay for groceries and all of our subscriptions. You just need to worry about putting your extra money on your debt.

All right. Did you.

Yeah.

All right, so here we are X years later. What's the deal?

Well, in typical me fashion, I was paid off in January or in July. It was paid off. And then I did a job in July that I was supposed to get a pretty big check for, and I spent money before I had it, so I just put on the credit card because I was like, oh, I'm going to get that check in September. And then. That didn't come through. It still hasn't come through. It's Irish taxes or something. And then just little things. I just kind of run it back up.

How much?

Seven.

Yeah. I don't know. I just didn't. I don't know where the seven came from or how it goes back up. July, August, September. Seven grand in, like, three months. Like, we. We worked all this time to, like, get it paid off to go seven grand in three.

Yeah, I mean, a bit. A chunk of it was while I was in Ireland, like, hotel and food and all that. And, you know, and then a chunk of it was the party. I thought I was gonna have that money, so I was like, let me just. You know, I really want to make this party so special, so let me splurge a little bit on this and that. So that was probably the biggest chunk of it. And then, you know, the other stuff has just been flights to Yellowstone and flights California and, you know, medical stuff and then just. Yeah, odds and ends. Just little things. Probably me just spending more than I have coming in and not really realizing it.

Ask a question.

Of course.

Do either of you feel satisfied with what just happened right there? No. Becky?

Not particularly.

So can we try that again? Let's ask the questions that you really want to ask, but you have not said out loud. Dustin.

Why are we still putting things on credit cards that we're not paying off at the end of the month?

Okay. Love that question. Just. Can I just do a quick reframe? It's not we you, is it? No. Ask her the question again and ask it with the proper words.

Sorry. Why are you still putting things on your credit cards that we aren't. You aren't paying off every month?

Because I don't always have the cash to do all the things that we make plans to do in our life. And I don't want to ask you for it because I don't want to hear it. That you don't get to do the things you want to do because you have to pay for both of us. And you didn't sign up for this, and you already had that marriage. You're not going to do that again. So I just put on my credit card and figured out later.

When does it stop? In my head, I was at 13 months, hey, we're going to get this paid off. It ends up going, whatever. 17 months. I'm like, boom. Here's what I feel is a little bit. Pretty good bit of money to get us and me showing, hey, I believe in what we're doing. This is me putting my effort to move us along in life. You have. You don't have to worry about this no more. This is stressing you out. I'm in a situation.

How much money did you give?

Two grand.

Two grand. And that was a gift.

I mean, it was for a birthday.

Okay. All right.

That's what I was told she owed on her credit card.

Great. So you said, hey, you're. You're close to the Finish line. Here's 2K. Wipe it off. Yeah. Okay, great.

So I did that. And then to know, like, it's already back to seven grand and we're here trying to join money and things like that, but we still haven't done. Or you still haven't paid off your credit card. So us joining money or us saving money to go here, it needs to be paying off credit card. And that should be. It's been the number one goal for 24 months. At this point.

I definitely. I mean, yes. Like, I mean, you're. You're right.

So you charge the expenses to your credit card. And what are the consequences of that action?

Well, then I feel guilty because I'm not supposed to be doing that. And we made this agreement, and then I feel stressed because now I have more money to pay off.

What else? Think about your partner.

I know that, like, I would. That if he knew, he would be upset and disappointed.

And what about the connection between you when you charge up your credit card again, what does it do to the connection, the intimate connection between you two?

I mean, it makes it difficult. It puts another barrier there because that's like a big deal to him.

And I think we're here because, Becky, you wanted some certainty around where's the relationship going. Right. Which is a totally fair question. So it seems like part of the behavior here, part of the consequences of that is that it makes the relationship less certain. Is that accurate? Yeah. So have you. Have you made the connection with yourself that when I charge up my credit card and go back into credit card debt, it makes Dustin hesitant to commit more deeply to this relationship?

No, I've never. I've never made that connection if you're.

Listening or watching this on YouTube, you might be looking around, like, what? How could you not see that? But I think it's important to highlight that a lot of people have difficulty seeing the connections between cause and effect. This happens for money, where people will buy a car, but they don't understand that a $65,000 financed purchase affects their retirement, and they don't understand how much it'll affect their ability to spend on vacation or even their spouse's stress. This lack of understanding of cause and effect also happens for health and wellness, where we rarely understand the connection between what we eat and how it affects our body, our energy, our mood, even our skin. And of course, this happens for relationships and work and parenting. So it might seem obvious to you the cause and effect here, but I can guarantee you there's one important part of your life where you are ignorant to cause and effect or simply in denial about it. This is human nature. It happens to you, it happens to me, it happens to all of us. Now back to Becky, who's going to share a very interesting way that she rationalizes her behavior.

No, I've never. I've never made that connection.

Sit with it for a minute. Tell me what comes to mind as you think about it and how you feel about that connection.

I mean, I guess I. I guess I have thought about it because I've often thought he's never going to marry me because I'm never going to be frugal enough or I'm never going to be financially responsible enough because I've always been this way. I've always. I mean, so I guess. I guess to say I haven't thought about it is a little bit of a fib, because I have thought about it. And so I think sometimes then I go in this spiral of like, he's never going to make that commitment. He's never going to do this because I can't do this. And then I get upset because I'm like, well, I shouldn't have to prove myself or be perfect for him to want to be with me. But no, because that was a thing that he was very clear about. So, I mean, I guess I just get in these kind of spirals about it and probably just end up feeling frustrated and. Like, it's. I don't know, like it's my fault, like I'm not worth marrying.

Why do you feel like that? And why have you never told me that?

I guess I thought. I feel like I have told you that it makes me. I mean, but maybe I've never said it. I guess maybe I've never said it that blatantly. And if I haven't, it's probably because I guess I was afraid if you knew that I didn't think I could.

Change.

Then you wouldn't want to be together. Like, if. If I was worried, then you would be more worried.

What's the end goal?

I've always believed, like, I want her to be able to spend money on, like, if she wants to say she has.

I'm talking about the end goal. What's the end goal?

Oh, to be married one day.

Is it like a year or 10 years?

No. I would say so. For me, the main thing would be, like, to see this team come together and, like, go down the road and be like, okay, you know, two months probably not enough. I mean, I could be anybody for two months. You know what I mean? I need to see, like, we are doing what we want to do, and this is gonna work for how long. Again? I don't. I'm on a feeling thing. I don't really. I'm not going to be, like, seven months or something like that. And then I'm going to propose and, like, have this grand plan.

Becky, you see how I'm asking these questions? How come I'm the one asking these questions and not you?

I. Probably because I got tired of asking them.

Do you mind if I read a little bit from your application? You okay with that?

Yeah.

Okay. Have you seen this application, Dustin? No.

I think she might have read it to me, but she might have, like, gave me the Cliff Notes.

She writes, my boyfriend and I have been living together for almost two years, and we do not know how to move forward in terms of money. And it feels to me like our relationship. Since before I moved in, I was clear that I want to change the house or not stay here. I have been patient, but in a few months, it will be two years. He will do one thing like the floors and will want a medal for that. I'm 42. This is Becky. I'm living 3,000 miles from my home, friends and family. I need to know that if I am here, it is for something special. I need our relationship to be special. If we aren't going to be a team and if we aren't going to work together to create something amazing, why am I missing out on life with every other person I love? That is the crux of our conversation today. So do we want to talk about that now?

Yeah.

It just feels really hard because I have to wait for you to be ready for everything. I know you think the backyard is, like, so stupid or the house is so stupid, but I want something that feels like ours.

And.

I. I don't know. I just. I want something that's. That's ours. I just want to feel part of it. And I don't sometimes.

Okay. I mean, I don't. So. It's hard for me to feel like we are building a swimming pool in the backyard when it's all of the money from my account. In a way that's kind of hard for me to understand how it's ours, because in my theory, like, if we went and bought something or we. We were doing something, it would be. We did it. Like, not I paid for it and we enjoyed it.

That.

I mean, that's my disconnect.

I think that's why I've been wanting to, like, join things, because I don't know how else to contribute. So that you don't feel like, is it going to be that until I have $67,000 in savings, like, it's not. It's not yours.

When.

When does it stop being yours? And when does it become ours? Like, not until I match you, because that's going to be yours. So that's. No, that's what I don't understand.

I mean, for me, like, if I'm financially putting the book bag on of, like, oh, we want to have all these things for ourselves. Like, we want to build a gym so that we can have it. The gym's for you. I would be buying it for you. And now it would be ours. But I would have to financially prepare all of that. And then I told you this a long time ago, we can go buy whatever house you want. And if I feel sometimes if I put a pool, build a gym, paint it, did all of. Still would not be enough. In a way, I feel sometimes like I pay a tax for you living here. Like, I'm already at a deficit because you're so far away. And it's like, I don't. I. I can't pay that financially. I can't. I can't put a beautiful pool out there and then overcome, like, every time you miss home and you're like, but we. We. We have this nice pool. I don't want to spend all of my money to do it.

Until now, it's been polite, like a visitor was in their house. But when they start talking to each other, it starts getting much more concerning. Are your parents still together? Yeah. And what do you remember about them as it Relates to money when you're a kid.

I mean, my dad worked, ran his own business. My dad ran his own business. My mom pretty much stayed home until I was like 12 and then she went back part time. My dad pretty much took care of everything.

Why'd you laugh just a second ago?

Because Dustin runs his own business and I'm my mom and I spent. I just like all of a sudden was like, oh, my gosh. We're like literally like reliving my life.

Okay, I like that.

Yeah.

So what happened?

My dad never said anything explicitly, but he was always like, live below your means. They always made a point to let me know that when they bought a new house, they only bought a house for what they made on their last house. So they never went and lived extravagantly. My dad ran a business and he would always tell me about how he had a hundred thousand dollar line of credit at a bank that he'd never touched in 30 years.

So that's good advice. Yeah.

Yeah, My dad's great.

So. But you mentioned that you've been living above your means for years now. Where'd that come from?

That probably came from my mom. So my mom always probably spent a little bit more. I mean, we always had it. But she would just like, squirrel away money all year so that she could like, go super over the top at Christmas. I mean, I can remember Christmases that were just like, stupid. And she always was like, so nervous about money and not having enough money to pay the bills. But we did. So it was like, I never really understood why she was like that because we were never not. I mean, we always had enough money, but she was always like, oh, I don't know how I'm going to cover this. I got to move this money from this account and I got to get cash from this stash that I've put away all year. And I have to do this and I have to do that.

Do you see any connection with that and your behavior today?

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't realize how much. Dustin was like my dad. I think that's where I. That was the laughter. Epiphany was like, my dad has a lot of money stashed away, squirreled away. I don't even know if my mom knows how much he has.

And in that relationship of your parents, your mom nervous energy, saving money, but then overspending, and then who would come to the rescue?

My dad. He paid off all her debt when they first got married.

Oh, gosh. Any. Any similarities?

Didn't know that I never wanted to tell you that.

Look at Dustin smile. Look at that. Now that's a big smile right there. Dustin, you've become her father, which is.

Worst things to be.

Yeah, big, Big Dave's an amazing guy.

He's good.

Okay, so Becky, in your parents relationship your dad came to save the day, Right?

But even in talking as an adult, you know, it was very much my mom was a single mom who was not who was struggling financially. My, you know, my parents are much older so you know, they come from a different time. My dad was a 35 year old bachelor who had a successful business and it was time to get married and time to have a family and my mom was a nice woman who would stay home and take care of the kids. And they've. They, they, they checked the boxes for each other. Yeah.

What happens when Dustin writes you a $2,000 check to pay off the last of your credit card debt? How did you interpret that?

I, I did feel taking. I wasn't, I was annoyed in all honesty because he did it because he didn't get me a birthday present. So three days later he gave me a $2,000 Venmo because I was pestering him about not getting me a birthday present. So if in all honesty in that.

Moment I was irritated she preferred Venmo over cash. It's easier to get it in the bank.

Becky, are you seeing the similarities between your parents relationship and what's going on here?

Yes.

Tell me what you notice. What are the connections? You see.

That Dustin's like the reliable one and the, you know, steadfast one and he makes all the decisions and he makes sure we're not going to like go into financial ruin and I spend the money and then you know, he kind of comes in and as annoyed as he is, takes care of it because. Because he cares.

Dustin, is that an accurate representation of the roles right now?

Yeah, I mean she, I feel like she knows she doesn't have to worry.

That's exactly what she just said. You're going to be there to make sure everything's okay. But can I ask a question to both of you? Are those the roles you both want in your relationship?

No.

No.

The clues are all around us. Becky never noticed the similarity between her parents relationship and their own. I'm interested that when I gently pointed that out, she went right back into her story about why she was annoyed that he gave her a $2,000 gift because it was late and the true point totally passed her by. This is really important. Sometimes People are so deep in their own stories that they don't notice what's going on right in front of their eyes. That's happening here, and that's a tough way to live. It was at this point in the conversation that I noticed something peculiar about their relationship. Can I ask you something? You two ever say positive words to each other?

No.

Dustin, you ever say positive words to.

Becky like I do? Sometimes. But I'm also very terrible at conveying my feelings. So what?

Kids are terrible at riding bikes. They still try.

Okay, true.

Y' all want to practice right now? Should we try doing something nice? What do you say? All it took was you filling out an application, getting through literally thousands of other people, applying, getting screened, me showing up here, having a Netflix show. All it took was a few simple things for us to come together and maybe, just maybe, say a couple of nice words to each other. What do you say? The dead silence on this call tells me that I might need to give you a little bit more guidance. That's fine with me. I don't mind. Who wants to go first and acknowledge their partner and say something nice?

I'll go first, please. I very much appreciate everything that you've done for us up to this point and for me. And I know that that was difficult for you, and I know that it means that you care a lot about me and our relationship, and I don't want you to have to feel that way anymore. And I want to be a better partner so that you can feel more secure in our relationship.

I guess I didn't understand or didn't know if you did appreciate everything I did. So it's nice hearing that. I would love for us to come together and move forward and kind of you not have that boundary where you can't speak to me about money. I guess that way, I feel like that would be kind of a wall that's coming down. So maybe we feel more together about everything and that, you know, moving forward, we would. At least you're not on your page, and I'm on my page. We'd kind of be on the same page and both have a general understanding of where things are going.

How'd that feel?

Good.

Pretty good.

Looked good. I'm not kidding. It looked awesome watching the two of you really hearing what their partner was saying. One thing I learned in my own relationship is that there's never too many nice things you can say. It's never too much.

I love you.

I like that shirt. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher today. Wow. I can't believe that you packed suitcases for us. That's so cool.

And on and on.

It could be as small as packing. The suitcases could be as big as. I just love waking up next to you. And. And I hope that this little exercise just scratches the surface of. It's actually okay to say nice things to each other. In a way, it actually connects you so much more than talking about logistics. Anybody want to say anything else to your partner while we're here about this?

I believe that she's. I believe she can do it. Like, I believed in her the whole time.

Talk to her.

I believed in. I've believed in you the whole time. I wish maybe there was some more openness so I would have known. Like, hey, maybe I need to pick this up right here. Because if I don't, we're going to put it on a credit card. Like, I'd rather pay to whatever right now instead of pay $500 towards interest because we may pay it off. I mean, I just rather take care of it and know we're headed in the right direction.

I mean, I'm. Thank you for not, like, making me feel crappy about it. And, you know, I'm sorry that I didn't feel I could just tell you. I'm sorry that I. I just, you know, it's hard for me to not be perfect and I didn't want you to, you know, I don't know. But I'm sorry. I definitely will be more honest because I guess I can feel safe that you're not going anywhere.

Still here.

Wow. Honestly, amazing. I'm so impressed with both of you. The level of communication, the honesty, and what makes it even more special is that you haven't really talked, like, this much at all.

Right.

They're both shaking their heads. Been together for four years. Haven't really talked like this. If you're listening to this on audio, I would highly encourage you to come watch their body language on YouTube every week now, I'm getting comments from people who come over the videos. They go, hey, I was listening on my phone, but I finally decided to see what they look like. And now I'm hooked on the videos. In terms of Becky and Dustin, I loved their communication. I'm a little shocked that this was the first time they've said something nice to each other, which obviously goes a lot deeper than we can tackle on one call. But I am pleased to see how they were able to communicate. Now, I wanted to get into their numbers, and a bunch of you have asked Me where you can get the template that all of these guests are using for their finances. It's called the Conscious Spending plan and it's free to download@iwt.com CSP. You mind if we take a look at the numbers? All right. I think it's going to shed a lot of light on what is going on here. To summarize, been together for four years, talked about the credit card debt being paid off. It was paid off earlier this year, but now it's run back up to $7,000. And we're really here because, Becky, you want to know where's this relationship going? And right now your finances are separate. You want to, you both want to know that you're going to be part of a team. Okay. All right, let's take a look. Dustin, can you help us through the net worth section? Just read the word in bold and read the full number next to it.

Assets 537,900.

All right.

Investments, $30,189.

All right.

Next savings is 69,815 and debt 450,215.

All right.

Total net worth, 187,689.

So let's kind of, let's go underneath these numbers because it's important. It shows the difference in your finances. So in terms of assets, Dustin, you have $520,000 and Becky, you have $17,000. In terms of investments, talking as an.

Adult, you know, it was very much my mom was a single mom who was not who was struggling financially. My, you know, my parents are much older so you know, they come from a different time. My dad was a 35 year old bachelor who had a successful business and it was time to get married and time to have a family. And my mom was a nice woman who would stay home and take care of the kids. And they've, they, they checked the boxes for each other. Yeah.

What happens when Dustin writes you a $2,000 check to pay off the last of your credit card debt? How did you interpret that?

I did feel taking. I was annoyed in all honesty because he did it because he didn't get me a birthday present. So three days later he gave me a $2,000 Venmo because I was pestering him about not getting me a birthday present. So if in all honesty, in that.

Moment I was irritated, she preferred Venmo over cash. It's easier to get it in the bank.

Becky, are you seeing the similarities between your parents relationship and what's going on here?

Yes.

Tell me what you notice what are the connections? You see.

That Dustin's like the reliable one and the, you know, steadfast one and he makes all the decisions and he makes sure we're not going to like go into financial ruin and I spend the money and then, you know, he kind of comes in and as annoyed as he is, takes care of it because. Because he cares.

Dustin, is that an accurate representation of the roles right now?

Yeah, I mean, she. I feel like she knows she doesn't have to worry.

That's exactly what she just said. You're going to be there to make sure everything's okay. But can I ask a question to both of you? Are those the roles you both want in your relationship?

No.

The clues are all around us. Becky never noticed the similarity between her parents relationship and their own. I'm interested that when I gently pointed that out, she went right back into her story about why she was annoyed that he gave her a $2,000 gift because it was late. And the true point totally passed her by. This is really important. Sometimes people are so deep in their own stories that they don't notice what's going on right in front of their eyes. That's happening here, and that's a tough way to live. It was at this point in the conversation that I noticed something peculiar about their relationship. Can I ask you something? You two ever say positive words to each other?

No.

Dustin, you ever say positive words to.

Becky like I do? Sometimes. But I'm also very terrible at conveying my feelings. So what?

Kids are terrible at riding bikes. They still try.

Okay, true.

Y' all want to practice right now? Should we try doing something nice? What do you say? All it took was you filling out an application, getting through, literally a five.

Year old bachelor who had.

Successful thousands of other people applying, getting screened, me showing up here, having a Netflix show. All it took was a few simple things for us to come together and maybe, just maybe say a couple of nice words to each other. What do you say? The dead silence on this call tells me that I might need to give you a little bit more guidance. That's fine with me. I don't mind. Who wants to go first and acknowledge their partner and say something nice?

I'll go first. I very much appreciate everything that you've done for us up to this point and for me. And I know that that was difficult for you. And I know that it means that you care a lot about me and our relationship and I don't want you to have to feel that way anymore. And I want to be a better partner so that you can feel more secure in our relationship.

I guess I didn't understand or didn't know if you did appreciate everything I did. So it's nice hearing that. I would love for us to come together and move forward and kind of you not have that boundary where you can't speak to me about money. I guess that way, I feel like that would be kind of a wall that's coming down. So maybe we feel more together about everything and that, you know, moving forward, we would. At least you're not on your page and I'm on my page. We'd kind of be on the same page and both have a general understanding of where things are going.

How'd that feel?

Okay.

Pretty good.

Looked good. I'm not kidding. It looked awesome. Watching the two of you really hearing what their partner was saying. One thing I learned in my own relationship is that there's never too many nice things you can say. It's never too much.

I love you.

I like that shirt. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher today. Wow. I can't believe that you packed the suitcases for us. That's so cool.

And on and on.

It could be as small as packing the suitcases, could be as big as. I just love waking up next to you. And I hope that this little exercise just scratches the surface of. It's actually okay to say nice things to each other. In a way, it actually connects you so much more than talking about logistics. Anybody want to say anything else to your partner while we're here about this?

I believe that she's. I believe she can do it. Like, I believed in her the whole time.

Talk to her.

I believed in. I've believed in you the whole time. I wish maybe there was some more openness so I would have known. Like, hey, maybe I need to pick this up right here, because if I don't, we're going to put it on a credit card. Like, I'd rather pay 2 whatever right now instead of pay 500 towards interest because we may pay it off. I mean, I just rather take care of it and know we're headed in the right direction.

I mean, I'm. Thank you for not, like, making me feel crappy about it. And, you know, I'm sorry that I didn't feel I could just tell you. I'm sorry that I just. You know, it's hard for me to not be perfect and I didn't want you to, you know, I don't know, but I'm sorry I Definitely will be more honest because I guess I can feel safe that you're not going anywhere.

Still here.

Wow. Honestly, amazing. I'm so impressed with both of you. The level of communication, the honesty, and what makes it even more special is that you haven't really talked, like this much at all. Right. They're both shaking their heads. Been together for four years. Haven't really talked like this. If you're listening to this on audio, I would highly encourage you to come watch their body language on YouTube every week now, I'm getting comments from people who come over the videos. They go, hey, I was listening on my phone, but I finally decided to see what they look like, and now I'm hooked on the videos. In terms of Becky and Dustin, I loved their communication. I'm a little shocked that this was the first time they've said something nice to each other, which obviously goes a lot deeper than we can tackle on one call. But I am pleased to see how they were able to communicate. Now, I wanted to get into their numbers, and a bunch of you have asked me where you can get the template that all of these guests are using for their finances. It's called the conscious spending plan, and it's free to download@iwt.com CSP you mind if we take a look at the numbers? All right. I think it's going to shed a lot of light on what is going on here. To summarize, been together for four years, talked about the credit card debt being paid off. It was paid off earlier this year, but now it's run back up to $7,000. And we're really here because, Becky, you want to know where's this relationship going? And right now, your finances are separate. You want to. You both want to know that you're going to be part of a team. Okay. All right, let's take a look. Dustin, can you help us through the net worth section? Just read the word in bold and read the full number next to it.

Assets, 537,900.

All right.

Investments, 30,001 89.

All right. Next.

Savings is 69,815. And debt, 450,215.

All right.

Total net worth, 187,689.

So let's kind of. Let's go underneath these numbers because it's important. It shows the difference in your finances. So in terms of assets, Dustin, you have $520,000, and Becky, you have $17,000. In terms of investments, Dustin, you have $25,000. And Becky, you have $4,800. Okay. Saving 67,000 for Dustin, 2,800 for Becky. Debt. I want to talk about this. Dustin, you have $243,000 of debt. And Becky, you have $206,000 of debt. So if we actually split out the net worth buy, partner. Dustin, your net worth is $370,000. And Becky, yours is negative $181,000 accurate. All right, Becky, what does it feel like to hear those numbers?

I mean, it doesn't feel great.

What is the $206,000 of debt that you have?

Mostly my student loan.

How long you been paying that off?

I mean, I graduated seven years ago and I haven't been paying for the last three years, so I just made my first payment this month.

How much payment did you make?

369.

Okay, how long will it take you to pay it off?

Forever. I mean, I'm on the income based repayment plan where, you know, after 25 years or whatever, it gets forgiven. And I think you take a tax hit.

All right, and Dustin, what's your $243,000 of debt?

It should just be the house, the remainder of the house and a truck.

What kind of truck?

For the. For the business.

That doesn't answer my question. What kind of truck?

F. 350.

350. How big is that freaking thing?

It's the biggest one you can get.

Jesus. And what do you do for a living?

I build swimming pools. So I haul equipment and whatnot.

Oh, really? How much did you pay?

65.

65,000. All right, we haven't gotten to your income yet. Assuming you have a very high income, that sounds like a very reasonable purchase. See, let's pop it up here. I'm in suspense. Just like you. Income. All right, gross monthly income. Becky, what is your. What's this number here? Your total combined monthly income, assuming you have a very high income, that sounds like a very reasonable purchase. Let's see.

Let'S see.

Pop it up here. I'm in suspense, just like you. Income. All right, gross monthly income. Becky, what is your. What's this number here? Your total combined monthly income.

10,333.

That's gross income. That's $124,000 a year. All right, did you both know that you make $124,000 total per year?

Yeah. Yeah, I think we did.

I. I think I thought we made more than that, because I make.

That's what I want to know. Who makes. Hold on. Before we go on one, I legitimately do not know the Answer to this. One, partner makes $8,333 a month, and the other makes $2,000 a month. Who makes what? I'm partner one, you make $8,333 a month. And I have a lot of questions. Dustin, you make $2,000 a month?

All right, so, Ramit, we didn't know what to put here. I own a business, and I don't. I'm not really set up to pay myself, so I just kind of put money in my account when I want to, but automatically drafted. I automatically draft 2,000amonth.

10,333.

That's gross income. That's $124,000 a year. All right, did you both know that you. How much does your business make?

I think last year we cleared 150. We pulled out a bunch of money throughout the year.

So, Ramit, the truck.

Yeah, let's start at the truck. Make $124,000 total per year?

Yeah. Yeah, I think we did.

I. I think I thought we made more than that, because I make.

That's what I want to know. Who makes. Hold on. Before we go on one, I legitimately do not know the answer to this one. Partner makes 8,000.

The truck. We had to buy the truck at the end of last year or else he was going to have to pay taxes.

Who taught you this? Extremely poor use of personal finance. Who taught you this?

No one. Just winging it.

This is, like, part of the big issue. Dustin. Dustin graduated high school barely, and then worked for a little bit and realized, I cannot work for someone else. I am going to work for myself and start a business. And I think he's done better than he really thought he would. And now he, like. I mean, when I met Dustin, he had one account, business and personal. He just lived out of that account and kind of did a little bit here and a little bit there. And so now he doesn't know what's the business's money and what's his money. And. And that leads to a lot of our issues of, like, I don't really know how much money we have, because sometimes it sounds like we have a lot, and sometimes it doesn't sound like we have any.

I'm so confused. Like, I have so many questions. First of all, the way you talk about money. Becky, I'm talking to you.

Yes.

You talk about money like, you don't make that much money. Do you know that?

I never realized that.

Yeah, you talk about money, like, feel.

Like I make that much money.

You make almost a Hundred thousand dollars a year. $333 a month, and the other makes $2,000 a month. Who makes what?

I'm partner.

One, you make 8,330. And the way you. And you live in North Carolina, and I don't think you pay rent.

Right.

So the way you talk about money is completely at odds with the numbers on the page. You are living an old story.

Three.

Three dollars a month. And I have a lot of questions, Justin. You make $2,000 a month.

All right, so, Ramit, we didn't know what to put here.

It's striking. I. I'm frankly shocked when I found out that that 8333 is yours. Because the way that Dustin talks about money is, like, way more confident. And it's like, we shouldn't be traveling. We have boundaries and on and on and on. And when I hear somebody making 8300 bucks a month and they have debt, I'm like, okay, just pay it off. Especially with your cost of living. Like, let's solve the problem. We could literally knock this thing out in two months. I'm candidly surprised. Now, Dustin, what the man. Explain to me how you can afford a $65,000 truck, please.

Is the business bought it.

The business made $150,000. How can a business making $150,000 paying you no salary at 150k? How can that business afford a $65,000 truck?

I don't know. I own a business, and I don't. I'm not really set up to pay myself, so I just. It's doing it.

Who told you that, Chet? Your. Your friendly local North Carolina Ford dealer. What do you say? Ah, come on in here, Dustin. What kind of payment you want to make? You want to pay 600amonth? I can't do 600, but you're a good friend. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go ahead and give you 650amonth. Going to be a 96.

Just kind of put money in my account when I want to, but automatically drafted. I automatically draft 2000amonth.

Month loan at 7.5%. Yeah. You know, your interest is credit isn't that good. But, like, how much does your business make?

I think last year we cleared 150.

You know what? Something special for you. I'm going to throw in the floor mats all for you.

I wish that truck was $650 a month.

How much? Oh, yeah, it's way more.

How much is the payment? Yeah, 1450.

You're the one who's paying $1,450 on a truck plus gas, more than our mortgage.

Oh, yeah.

Explain this to me. How much you spend in gas per month?

Oh, I'd have to look it up on the. I spent 200 over 200 on Monday to fill up some of the work truck.

And. And do you love your truck?

I mean, I didn't want a dually.

What? What's that?

It's just a dually. I'd want a regular truck.

His car. His truck. His truck has six tires for me instead of four.

Wait, this is crazy. Hold on. My videos. Oh, my God. I think my video got frozen because. Oh, my God. What happened? After over 100 episodes of this podcast, this was literally the first time my video cut out on me. And I think it's because I encountered someone who makes $24,000 a year and bought an F350 with six tires and a.

We pulled out a bunch of money.

Throughout the year, so $1,450 monthly payment, including $200 in gas. He filled up this Monday. Well, in part two of our conversation, you're going to hear the surprising conclusion of Becky and Dustin, including the rest of their numbers. I'll see you next week. Me.

The truck.

Yeah, let's start at the truck.

The truck. We had to buy the truck at the end of last year or else he was going to have to pay taxes.

Who taught you this? Extremely poor use of personal finance. Who taught you this?

No one. Just winging it.

This is, like, part of the big issue. Dustin. Dustin graduated high school barely, and then worked for a little bit and realized I cannot work for someone else. I am going to work for myself and start a business. And I think he's done better than he really thought he would. And now he, like. I mean, when I met Dustin, he had one account, Business and Personal. He just lived out of that account and kind of did a little bit here and a little bit there. And so now he doesn't know what's the business's money and what's his money. And. And that leads to a lot of our issues of, like, I don't really know how much money we have because sometimes it sounds like we have a lot, and sometimes it doesn't sound like we have any.

I'm so confused. Like, I have so many questions. First of all, the way you talk about money. Becky, I'm talking to you.

Yes.

You talk about money like, you don't make that much money. Do you know that?

I never realized that yeah, you talk about money, like, feel like I make that much money.

You make almost a hundred thousand dollars a year. And the way you. And you live in North Carolina and I don't think you pay rent. Right. So the way you talk about money is completely at odds with the numbers on the page. You are living an old story. It's striking. I'm frankly shocked when I found out that that 8333 is yours. Because the way that Dustin talks about money is like way more confident. And it's like, we shouldn't be traveling. We have boundaries and on and on and on. And when I hear somebody making 8300 bucks a month and they have debt, I'm like, okay, just pay it off. Especially with your cost of living. Let's solve the problem. We could literally knock this thing out in two months. I'm candidly surprised. Now, Dustin, what the man. Explain to me how you can afford a $65,000 truck, please.

It's the business bought it.

The business made $150,000. How can a business making $150,000 paying you no salary at 150k? How can that business afford a $65,000 truck?

I don't know. It's doing it.

Who told you that, Chet? Your friendly local North Carolina Ford dealer. What do you say? Come on in here, Dustin. What kind of payment you want to make? You want to pay 600amonth? I can't do 600. But you're a good friend. I'll tell you what. I'm going to go ahead and give you 650amonth. It's going to be a 96 month loan at 7.5%. Yeah. You know, your interest isn't. Credit isn't that good. But you know what? Something special for you, I'm going to throw in the floor mats.

All for you. I wish that truck was $650 a month.

How much? Oh, yeah, it's way more.

How much is the payment? Yeah. 1450.

You're the one who's paying $1450 on a truck plus gas.

More than our mortgage.

Oh, yeah.

Explain this to me. How much you spend in gas per month?

Oh, I'd have to look it up on the. I spent 200 over $200 on Monday to fill up some of the work trucks.

And. And do you love your truck?

I mean, I didn't want a dually.

What? What's that?

It's just a dually. I'd want a regular truck.

His car, his truck. His truck. Has six tires for me instead of four.

Wait, this is crazy. Hold on. My videos.

Oh, my God.

I think my video got frozen because. Oh, my God. What happened? After over 100 episodes of this podcast, this was literally the first time my video cut out on me. And I think it's because I encountered someone who makes $24,000 a year and bought an F350 with six tires and a $1,450 monthly payment, including $200 in gas. He filled up this Monday.