“He’s not ready for marriage. So why did we buy a house together?”

There's no quality of life. We're literally, we're house poor. It'd be nice to have like some type of a life again.

Was there any concern about the two of you buying a house, not being married?

I felt that marriage was gonna come and that's also why I bought the house, because I envisioned we would be getting married, we'd probably have a kid, maybe two by now, four years later. I didn't expect my life to look the way that it looks.

That's always been in the long run like the picture for me.

It's just a lot of frustration on my end because I know what I want. It's very wishy washy all over the place answers. And it's like when I say, well, when do you want to do this? It's Sunday. Well, what the hell.

Someday, before we get to the episode today, let's put aside all the long term stuff that you and I know. We should be doing more of calling our mom and dad, going to the gym, flossing. Okay, yes, we should do all those things. But I want to talk about quick wins, the things we can do quickly to be able to be more productive, to be less anxious, to be in better shape, and even to be more generous. I'm talking about getting results in seven days. That is exactly what I'm going to be talking about this Saturday on the podcast newsletter. These are the actual tactics that I used myself and saw massive results in seven days. You yes, we should be doing the two year, five year, ten year things, but sometimes you just want quick results. You can get this issue of the newsletter@iwt.com podcastnewsletter that is the only place you can get it. The email goes out this Saturday, September 2nd. Iwt.com podcastnewsletter Meet Candace and Brad. Candace is 31, Brad is 33 and they've been dating for five years. Candace used to be the breadwinner and she was supporting Brad while he went back to school to be an electrician. Now he earns more. And that change in financial dynamics has put some surprising strains on their relationship. She wants to know what's next. When are they going to get married? He doesn't feel ready to commit to marriage and they own a home together, which has become a very sticky topic because their expenses are about to go way up. Now, when you finish this episode, please make sure you watch the video follow ups.

We're strapped. Like I literally transfer 66 six six dollar to pay for fun money because everything else is going to Bills and debt and mortgage and I feel like the only way that we can get ahead from like where we currently are is to sell our home and have a reset.

Okay. And Brad, what do you think about that?

I will say for the longest time I was very against like even the thought of like selling the house. I don't know, like we bought the house together. Like, I thought we both really liked the house. And then I will say the last few months, as we've talked about it more and more, it seems to be more and more makes sense. But then we would have to go back to either renting or downsize quite a bit. So maybe that's where the hesitation lies with me with maybe not wanting to sell the house because I don't think we'd ever get a mortgage for what we're paying now. Okay.

The challenge here is the house. Is that it?

Say it might be the biggest challenge.

Okay. Candace is like biting, biting her tongue. Sorry. Don't worry, Candace. We got plenty of time today. We have plenty of time to talk about everything that's on your mind. Candace, do you think it's the house that's the primary challenge or is there other things too?

It's the relationship in general. I feel like it's deeper rooted than money, which obviously that's a different day, different topic. But yeah, I don't know, I just feel like in general we're just behind in life. When you look at our investments, we should be further ahead in our 30s than we are. I just feel like we're never going to be able to invest more if we keep this house. Especially when you look at like we don't talk about the future really. We are date. We're very day to day. So that's concerning for me because I'm a planner. I'm type A. Very organized, like.

You don't say. Shocking. That's shocking considering I'm looking at your conscious. I've literally never seen this much text on a conscious spending plan. I'm like, am I reading a dissertation here? I asked for like 10 numbers. There's like 5,000, thousand pages of text. What the hell?

And I hear you say it takes 20 minutes and it took us like three hours.

It took me three hours to read this thing. What is this? All right, and just so I understand, you two have been together for five years, you're not married, but you bought.

A house together a year in of dating.

Wait, what? Why did you do that?

I was perfectly happy renting. His mom works for the bank.

Okay.

And she kept saying, you can't keep running. You can't keep running. You got to get a house, you got to buy a house. It moved so fast for me. Like, that process. I literally, like, just like, I don't even remember that week. Like, it happened so quick.

Wait, you had. You got a house in a week?

It was just so fast. Like, the whole process, it was very quick.

It took my dad longer to buy a car than it took you to buy a house.

I don't think it was just a week. Once we, like, found the house. It happened that fast?

Yes, like that.

We.

We looked around at other houses before for not many weeks. Not a long time, though. No, it did.

Brad, this was your. This was your mom, like, advising you guys to buy a house?

She was. I would say she was a little bit. But at the same time, I think Candace was kind of already looking to buy a house.

Okay.

Even at first, from what I remember, I thought she was looking to buy independently without me even on the lease or without me on the mortgage.

She's like, shaking her head furiously that.

We did find a house and we did end up going in together and we did buy it.

Yes.

And it did happen very quickly.

Candace, would you like to correct the record?

I don't recall ever. Like I said, I was very happy renting. I had everything under control. You know, I had my two bedroom apartment, underground parking. I thought it was just, like, great. My rent was. You know what I mean? I could cover it. I still had, like, plenty of disposable income leftover after all my bills were paid. I was like. Everybody else was like, yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to buy a home. Like, I'm 27. That would make sense, right? And like, when she kept kind of talking about it, it was like, yeah, like, I guess she works at the bank. Like, she knows what she's talking about. Like, that's probably what we should be doing, like going to buying a home. Like, you can't rent forever. That whole thing. Right. Which I've now learned is bs. You can rent and you can be further ahead financially by renting. Yeah, it's frustrating.

Was there any concern about the two of you buying a house, not being married?

I felt that marriage was going to come, and that's also why I bought the house, because I envisioned we would be getting married. We probably have a kid, maybe two by now, and four years later, I didn't expect my life to look the way that it looks right now. So that's also why I'm at a. Like, I'm at a crossroads, I guess.

What is the crossroads?

If that's not something that is important to Brad, or if he doesn't see doing those things with me, then it's kind of like those are things I value. So it's like I. I'm. I don't want to keep putting my values on the back burner because I do feel like I've been very, like, lenient with things up to this point. But I also think because I've been so lenient, that's why the way that it is. And we haven't taken those steps.

Let me hear Brad's perspective. Brad, so you got into this process of looking at houses. It seems like it moved pretty fast. Were you ready to buy a house when you both did?

I would say at the time, no, I was not 100% ready because like I said, I was still in school, so I wasn't really making a whole lot of money at said time. I had a little bit of money saved up.

So you got this house. Were you concerned about, you know, buying a house without being married?

No.

Okay.

No. Like, that's always been in the long run, like the picture for me.

What is it?

And that was definitely a big part of buying the house. Was like, that's just one of the steps forward it to me, it didn't have to be in any specific order. Like, it didn't have to come marriage, then host.

Like, I just feel like five years is long enough to kind of know if that, like, that's what you want to do. Like, even if it wasn't a wedding, it just at least be engaged to be. Like, we're heading that direction. And I just think even that's hard for him to want to do. And I just think it's not about the money to buy a ring. I think it's deeper rooted.

So you heard me ask both Candace and Brad if they had any concerns about buying a house without being married. Here's why. Because that is a very bad decision. Literally every single week on financial forums, there are people who say, yeah, we dated for two years, but we decided to stop throwing money away on rent and buy. Unfortunately, last week, we decided to break up. What should we do with the house? And this becomes a financial and often legal nightmare. What if you have to sell but one of you doesn't want to? What if you can't afford to maintain the house? What if one of you makes more than the other or you end up Having to sleep in the bedroom next to the person who cheated on you. At least with marriage, there are legal precedents on what to do. So I'm going to be extremely clear here. If you are not married yet, do not buy a house together. And if you do because you want to ignore my advice, make sure you both have lawyers who look over the agreement for Candace and Brad. Let's also note that it's not just that they're unmarried and they've bought a house. It's these other dynamics. They've got the mom whispering in their ear. They've got. They've got the rush from everyone around them to buy a house. I mean, damn, I spend more time deciding on my in and out order than they spent buying this house.

Just think, maybe financially we haven't totally gotten there yet because like I said, I just finished school last. Like this time last year, things kind of flip flop where now, like, I make more money than she does. And now things are kind of just back to basically where we started.

I see.

So now we're still kind of just, like she kind of said, kind of spinning our tires. We're just in the same spot.

Okay. I understand why your income has gone up, Brad. Because you finished school, you got a job. I think you got a raise recently, right?

Yeah, like three months ago, I got like a 30% increase. What I'm making right now. Like, if you had asked me even five years ago, I would say I probably might not even in 10 to 15 years be making what I'm making right now.

Okay. Wow. Congratulations. That's awesome.

All right. Yeah.

So your income has gone up. And then, Candace, am I reading this correctly? Your income went down. Okay. Why is that?

So my trade is dental hygiene. We were laid off work for quite a period of time. And during that time off, I guess I just thought, okay, if I'm going to do a change, like this is the time to do it kind of thing Anyway. So now I'm working from home, still in a dental field. It's for a dental insurance company. It's a nonprofit. I'm very happy. Like my mental health and emotion, like everything, I'm better in that sense, but I am starting to feel like I'm falling. Like I'm falling short of my potential with the pay that I'm at, because I know what I'm capable of. But I don't really want to go back to the clinic.

What was the pay decrease?

I. At my peak, I was making 64,000 four days a week. Yeah.

Okay. And now.

Now I'm at 43,000. 2 60.

So how do you two make decisions when it comes to money?

Well, up to this point, it's just been an understanding that he pays the groceries every week when we go get groceries. Any, like, any bills. Like, it's just been him. Like. Like, I just take care of the mortgage payment. Basically, he sends me that 360 now. We just started that a couple, like, months back.

Okay. Just. Just to go back to the mortgage for a second. Before, you were paying 100% of the mortgage. Now, how much are you paying?

Well, the mortgage minus 360, I guess it's going towards the mortgage. Basically, the $360 that he's sending towards me is for the mortgage payment. I pay the mortgage. It fully comes out of my bank account. And we had that set up that it came out of my own because when we bought the house, again, I was the breadwinner. So we just set it up that it came out of mine. Just recently, Brad finally started to contribute towards the mortgage.

Okay, and now you're making less than he is.

And I was still paying all the mortgage.

What percentage of the mortgage do you pay, Candace?

Okay, can I just do quick math? So that is, I'm paying 74% of the mortgage.

Okay, you're paying okay. Seems a bit weird, right? You're making less, but you're paying 74. Why is that?

Because we never talked about it when things changed.

Oh.

And it just was in my account, so I don't know. Just didn't talk about it. And I just.

She paid the mortgage, and I paid everything else. They both roughly by the end of the month. If you add up all the costs and fixed spendings that I spend and what she spends for the mortgage, it was roughly pretty close. The mortgage might have been a little higher.

First of all, this is just way too complicated. This is why I insist on simplicity in your finances. Next, this is why I really dislike.