Gretchen Rubin separates happiness into two things: feeling good (positive emotions) and feeling right (living by your values). She gives examples like visiting an estranged father or choosing a long commute for your kids' schools, where people accept short-term discomfort to stay true to themselves. She also covers how social connections matter and practical ways to build them.
So I want to ask you a question about two phrases you have in one of your books. You say the difference between feeling good and feeling right. I wonder if you can explain that to us.
Well, when you think about happiness, there's sort of four aspects of it that you have to think of. So there's feeling good. So your feelings of joy, enthusiasm, love, feeling bad, which is trying to feel less anger, less boredom, less resentment, and feeling right. And feeling right is the question of whether your life reflects your values. And sometimes we do things in our life to live up to our values, even though it doesn't cause us to feel good. So, for example, one of the best situations that illustrates this, that I heard of a guy said to me, I have a very difficult father. We had a very difficult relationship the whole time I grew up. He's basically estranged from me and my two brothers, but he's in the hospital right now. And so I'm going once a week to see my father. I really hate going. He's a nasty guy. He wasn't a good father. My two brothers refused to go, but I'm going, so how do I think about that from a happiness perspective? And I thought, I said, well, the thing is, you're doing what you feel like you need to do to live up to your values. She you, this is how a son behaves to a father. Even though it's not causing you joy or enthusiasm or anticipation or pleasure or anything like that, you actually don't like it at all. It's making you feel bad, and yet you're doing it to live up to your values. Or another example, if you look at sort of the conventional happiness wisdom, one thing you would see is a bad commute drags people down. They never adjust to it, and it'll just drag them down every single day. So you should just try to shorten your commute as much as you can, and that'll make you happier. But the reason a lot of people live where they live and have a long commute is because they want their children to be in a certain school district. And so you live there because your value is that you're going to do something as a parent for your child, even though you're going to do something that's going to drag your happiness down on a daily basis, so it doesn't make you feel good, but it's doing something that makes you feel right. And feeling right is a happiness value, even though it doesn't feel good. Because happiness doesn't always make us feel happy.
Yes, profound point. I love that. And I also like the idea that if you can point this out to people with your framework, then it can actually take away those feelings of dread. When you're going on that hour long commute every day, you say, well, I'm doing it for a reason.
Exactly. And this is the thing that's exactly. Because I think what happens to people is they feel like they're not in control or they feel. And the more clarity you have about your values and how your life serves your values, the then the more comfortable you feel about it. Because if you're like, well, this is the choice I made and I feel good about it and I made the choices for the right reason, then it is, it's a solace. Whereas if you feel like I'm not in control of anything, it's this, it's that, it's the other thing. You feel powerless, you feel like you haven't made meaningful choices, then you feel differently about the same circumstances. Whereas somebody else who's like, this is the choice that I made, this is the trade off that I made. Because in life a lot of times you do have to make trade offs. And so if you feel comfortable with your values and how it serves your values, then it's a lot easier to bear than when you just feel like it's all just. And this is why it gets back to if it's serving someone else's values and not your own values, you're not going to be very happy. Like you and I, we have a mutual friend and now we're friends. The friends of our friends tend to be the people that we would be friends with. That's called triadic closure. So if you want to meet people, try to find ways to do things with, with your friends and the friends of your friends.
Interesting. And what would you suggest to do that?
Well, like you could start, I mean a very classic thing to do is to start a book group or any kind of group. Because it's like you and I start a book group and I bring three of my friends and you bring three of your friends. And now we're all in a social network, so we all have a lot of people in common and that helps keep people coherent when they share a lot of acquaintances. But I'm meeting your friends and I have something in common with you, so I probably have something in common with your friends. You meet my friends, then they bring friends. But it doesn't have to be a book group. I mean, I've heard of, I know somebody who has a fly fishing group. They don't fly fish together. They just talk about fly fishing. But they love it, you know, because like, anything you're interested in. A friend of mine has still not done this, but she. But like, all these people want to join. This group, which she still hasn't done. Is a group for people who read People magazine. She said, I would always be well prepared. I have a lot to say. And all these people are like, I want to join your group.
I have very strong opinions on people.
You know, you could just join it and watch basketball or talk about anything that you're interested in, because if you have that, then it also makes it easier to make friends because you're all focused on something that you are interested in together or like getting a dog. So many people I know who have dogs, they're like, oh, I have all these friends because our dogs are friends. So now we're friends. Especially if you live in a place where dogs go to parks, and so you're all standing around while your dogs are playing. Easy conversation. You see the same people over and over again over time. Slowly you make friends.
