How to stop feeling guilty, with Ramit Sethi

You ever have a conversation with one of your friends and maybe you're talking about how you got your finances under control and you see this weird look come on their face and you automatically know where they're going next? They're going to use this phrase, yeah, I know, I really should do that. They talk about it when it comes to money. They talk about it when it comes to careers, health and fitness, relationships like, yeah, I really should call my mom more often. And yet that's almost a sign. When someone says I really should, they're basically telegraphing, but I'm not going to do it. It's also interesting that people who are in severe credit card debt typically have very interesting behavioral quirks. One of the things we know is that they tend not to open their mail as often as other people. Why do you think that is? Because the sheer guilt of knowing how much they owe is overwhelming. Better to not even open it at all. In fact, if you ask people in severe credit card debt how much they owe, they often will not be able to tell you because they've never sat down to calculate it. It would be too fearful or guilt inducing. So often when I talk about holding yourself accountable or being brutally honest, people misconstrue that to mean be really guilty about the things you're not doing now. The fact is, guilt is not a very productive emotion when it comes to changing your behavior. We all have felt guilty about something we should do, but we're not doing. But does it ever motivate you to actually change? Like, when was the last time you said, yeah, I really should do that and then you went to the gym the next day or you called your parents. It almost never happens. There's something else that causes us to do. It could be an event that's coming up, like our 10 year high school reunion. Could be a trigger, like seeing an old dress that we used to be able to fit into and now we can't. Could be one of your friends getting married and saying, dude, you're not going to believe how much it costs when you have your first kid. These are different triggers, particularly related to life stages that cause us to change our behavior. But it's almost never guilt alone. There's something even more pernicious about the way we feel guilt. We'll say something like this, yeah, I know I should do that, but I'm just really lazy. After a while of saying that your self concept becomes that lazy guy or that lazy girl. Think about it. I used to say that too. I was £127, 5, 11, 6ft. And I'd be like, I can't gain weight. I can't weigh as much as those white guys. And I actually started to believe it, that I could not gain weight. No matter what I tried, I couldn't gain weight. But that became my self concept, and so I almost reveled in it. Now, if you say, oh, I want to do that, but I'm just really lazy, after a while, subtly, you become that lazy person, and that is not the self concept you want to have. So I'm going to recommend something different. Instead of denying guilt, acknowledge it. So the next time you feel guilty, you know you should be doing something, but you're not, acknowledge it. Almost like a scientist. Hmm, that's interesting. Why am I feeling that? Let me write this down. Okay, I'm feeling guilty. Okay, no harm in that. Now, why is that? Because I kept saying that I should open up an investment account, but I haven't. And why is that? I haven't because I don't even know what the first step would be. Well, why is that? Well, because I bought this book two years ago and I haven't even read it. I must be lazy. Nope. I'm going to pull back on those judgments. Say, no, no, I'm not lazy. I just haven't read it yet. Why haven't I read it? Because it's in a box in the garage and I don't even know where that box is. Now we're getting somewhere. And I wouldn't push it. I wouldn't say, well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to open up the box, I'm going to read the book, I'm going to create an asset allocation, then I'm going to open up my investment account tomorrow. No, that's not realistic. That's not going to happen. I would actually call it a day. I would write these things down and say, cool, now I know why I haven't opened up an investment account. I'll pick this back up tomorrow. Why? Because we know that as cognitive misers just doing that internal investigation has taken a ton of willpower. So I'll pick this up tomorrow. Now, notice that I'm taking a really different approach than coming down hard on yourself. See, I used to be very, very overbearing when it came especially to my friend's money problems. And it's something that I'm actively trying to work on, and I have been for many, many years. Friend would come to me, they'd have a Money issue. And I'd say, well, you need to do this. It's already. That's a huge red flag when someone says, you need to do X. So I would say, you need to do this. And their eyes would start glazing over because I would say something really complicated, right? You need to track your spending and then do this and then do that, and then open up an investment account. Trust me, you're losing millions of dollars. And their eyes are like, oh, my God, I hate this guy. I wish I hadn't asked this question at all. And I was giving technically correct advice, but they weren't ready to receive it. And when you feel guilty about something and you're actually vulnerable enough to ask a question, and then someone comes at you at 100 miles an hour, you will never ask them that question again. So instead, I take a very different approach. Other people, if they ask me, hey, Ramit, what's something that I should be investing in? I'll say, oh, well, out of curiosity, where's this coming from? And they'll say, well, you know, I realize I've got like a few thousand dollars sitting around in my bank account and I should probably do something with it. I say, oh, you know what? That's. First of all, you're way ahead of most people. They wouldn't have even been thinking about that. So when you think about investments, like, what are the first things that come to your mind? Notice I'm not giving them an answer to their question yet. Why? Because if I tell them all the things they should be doing, they're immediately going to feel guilty. So I ask them, I lead them into a very subtle thing, and I'll probably conclude with a little challenge. Be something like, you know, here, here's a copy of my book. Why don't you read that and come talk to me and we'll talk about it afterwards. Now, if they are dedicated enough to read just one chapter, I'm certainly happy to give them some of my advice. The same thing is true for you. So when you notice that you're feeling guilty about something, don't just feel guilty and then say, yeah, I'm not the kind of guy who does this, or I'm not the kind of person who invests. No, scientifically, you say, okay, I'm feeling guilty. I acknowledge that. All the steps that we talked about a few minutes ago. And then, you know that I like to create solutions based on abundance rather than scarcity. So I'm not going to say cut back on all your spending, especially lattes that's just not my style. The first thing I would actually recommend, in fact, for couples, for example, is I say, you know what, if one of you has a money issue, instead of making them feel guilty, set a goal for both of you where you can save the money for something really fun like a trip to Australia or a trip to Vegas. Say, you know what, we're going to save for that. And once you do that, once you see the power of saving, you're actually going to naturally want to save for other things like retirement. So let me give you a couple of examples of how to change your behavior not based on guilt, but based on abundance. Okay, situation one, I love sweets. One option could be cut sweets out, never buy them again, never do it at all. Deny myself. How long do you think that would last? How many millions of people try to take that exact strategy every year? And, and then, yo, yo, back to eating sweets. Millions. Instead, what I could say is, you know what? I love sweets. So I'm going to give myself one day a week as my cheat day, and I'm going to eat whatever I want guilt free. Now, the rest of the days, you know, I might cut back a little bit, but I'm for now going to look forward to Saturday when I'm going to indulge in whatever I want. Awesome. Totally shifted your mindset from feeling guilty to scarce to abundance, right? Feeling in control. Let me give you another example. Let's say that you've been dreaming about starting a business for five years, but it hasn't happened. Okay, so what can we do here? One, we can say, you know what? Let me acknowledge that I'm not going to start a business at all. For some people, you're just not going to start one. Fine. Or you could say, look, I've been thinking about this. I've been ruminating on it. I've been feeling guilty. I still can't do it. What are my other options? I could go to a seminar. I could join a course, I could hire a coach. All of these things can help you kick start yourself, almost kick you to get going on your goal. If starting a business truly is important for you, you have to look not just at the cost of hiring a coach or a program, but the cost of having this thing at the back of your head for the last five years. So one thing that I learned early on was that guilt was not a very productive emotion for changing my behavior. I felt it. We all feel guilt, but the fact is that just makes you feel bad. That doesn't really do anything productive for you. Instead, what it does is it changes our self concept to say stuff like, I'm not the kind of person who would start a business. I'm not the kind of person who runs on the treadmill. I'm not the kind of person who manages their finances. That's not the self concept you want to have. So instead, what I like to do sum it all up, I want to take a scientific approach to knowing when I'm feeling guilty. Almost like you're an outside observer. Okay, I'm feeling guilty. Here's what happened to trigger that feeling. Here's why, why, why, why? The five why technique and then take a break, come back the next day and say, what are my potential solutions, especially out of abundance. So my challenge to you today to identify three areas where you feel guilty. What are they? They tend to be the same classic for career, money, relationships and health. So pick out what is it exactly that you feel guilty about that you know you should do and you haven't done? Break it down with the five whys. Why have I not gotten my dream job? Because I'm not sure what my dream job is. Why? Because I haven't done X. Why? Drill down and take a break. And then the next day I want you to come back and think of some solutions. Think of all of them. Could be ones based on scarcity. I'm not going out until I find my dream job. And then also ones based on abundance. When I find my dream job, it's going to make me feel like this. Once you have those down, you are naturally going to drift towards the ones out of abundance. And this is a clear way to cut through the feelings of guilt. The unproductive feelings of guilt actually productively move towards living a rich life because it goes back to the idea of being brutally honest with ourselves.