Parent Emotional Growth is the Key

Hey everybody, welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos, your host, and today I am excited to have a special guest who just happens to be my brother Tony R Ramos. And, uh, Tony has done a lot of things in his career, and I'll let him speak to that, but, um, He has been a teacher for over 40 years in the public school system and a coach. And so he's had a lot of interaction as a teacher and a coach and through his work through the church with a lot of people, a lot of youth, a lot of families. So I was really happy when he told me that he wanted to go through the certification training to become a Parent on a Mission mentor. And through Parents on a Mission, he's seen a lot of great reconciliation of parent-child relationships, just a lot of impact, positive impact on the families that he's worked with. So I wanted him to come on and talk about that, his experiences that he has seen that the Parents on a Mission program has had. So Tony, my brother, Welcome to the program.

Yeah, glad to be here. Glad to be on, on the air.

Yeah, so listen, um, you know, do you— if you want to talk about, uh, you know, just your, your career history a little bit, kind of give people a sense of that. But I also— before you talk about the, you know, impact that you've seen You, you may be— if you're not, you are close to, but I believe you are— the one, uh, parent on our mission mentor that has taught more classes in English and Spanish than I think anybody else that's been part of helping me with this program. So you, you have plenty of stories, but before you talk about those things I want you to also talk about the, the impact that it personally had on your own personal life. Why, why don't you start with that?

Yeah, that's probably the, to me, is probably the most important thing, not only for me but for any mentor, is that, uh, the impact that the program and the principles make on your life. Has a great influence on what kind of impact it has on everybody else, right? So, you know, I grew up all my life working with people. When I, I went to the training and really started to put those principles to, to work in me, it transformed my life, you know, little by little. It still is to this day, because I've learned it's not just, um, one time, like you get trained, say, okay, I'm done, right? It's a lot. It's, it's the rest of your life process.

That's right.

And, uh, and I've always had a good— I, I could say a fairly good relationship with my kids, but nothing compared to now. Nothing compared to now. It's just a different You know, over the years, it's just become a different world. So yeah, the applying, you know, these, um, the principles, which are really biblical principles, it's just a way of life. And, and so that's what it's done for me. It's, it's, it's given me a, uh, a structure that, you know, there's a structure and there's life. You know, right, a lot of it's provided by the person based on your passion, your— and that's usually your love for your kids. You know, you want your kids to do better, so you, you kind of have that built in, so to speak. You know, you care, but the structure, you don't— most people don't have.

That's right.

And you need both. So some people have a lot of passion, but they don't have any structure. So they don't know how to channel their love and their efforts in a way that becomes productive. Or you have a lot of structure, you know, you have a lot of intellect and training and background, but you don't know how to, you know, to convey it to people around you. You don't know how to get it across.

And speaking of kids, uh, I think you got me beat on the kids but not the grandkids. But can you give people a— you, you and I both are blended families, and you've been a long time. So get— just tell people what your, you know, your family's made up of and, um, you know, how many years you've been married. You know, 1,000 years? I forget exactly.

Yeah, yeah. Well, this year, this July, I'll be 45 years of marriage, you know. So it's, it's quite a bit. You learn a few things. And I have, uh, 3 stepsons and 3 other, uh, children— 2 sons and a daughter. So 6 altogether. One, uh, we lost when he was 37 years old to cancer, uh, back in 2009. So, um, and, uh, may his memory be a blessing. But we have 5 now. And so, uh, How many grandkids?

How many grandkids?

We have 11 grandkids and 6 great-grandkids.

Oh, you do still beating me in life. Oh my God, it never ends.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, so yeah, that, that beats me. I mean, we have the 11 grandkids and 4 great-grandkids. I didn't know you had 6.

Yeah, well, one, one son, one grandson has 4.

Oh wow, is that Josiah?

No, no, that's Joseph. You don't know him either?

Okay, yeah, John's son.

And then his oldest son Chris has at least two that we know of. We don't— we're not able to contact them very much. Oh, okay.

Well, as you guys can see, you guys that are hearing and watching this, we have a lot of experience with kids, our own kids and grandkids, um, and all of it has been a challenge. None of this is easy, and that's one of the reasons that I do this program and that I've written the books that I've written, because as Tony said, people can have structure, they don't have the passion, or they have the passion, they don't have the structure. But let's just be honest, being a parent in any situation is difficult. It's just hard work. We talk about, you know, today's generation, but I'm sure that my parents said that and their parents said that, you know, these kids today, you know, that, phrase, um, and it's, it's all a challenge. And, and that's why we do Parents on a Mission. So, um, I wanted you to, uh, unless you have anything personal else you want to share, but I wanted you, yeah, to talk about, um, you know, some of the, um, I mean, you've done a lot of training, so just talk about the impact in general, the impact that you've seen. Uh, when, when did you get trained? When, when When— I forget when that was.

I got trained, I think it was, uh, 20— either 2015 or '16.

Okay.

So one of those times. And, and started the program in the high school that same year.

Right, right.

Same year. Um, and so I— and then after that, I did it every semester at least once, twice, and sometimes 3 times. Sometimes I taught it 3 days a week. Sometimes I taught it at another high school. I did that one time where I taught 2 days in one high school, one day in another, to get that school kind of on the, you know, get them started. Um, so I, yeah, like you said, I probably taught, I don't know, 50 classes, maybe more.

I think more.

I think, yeah, because I did for a number of years and both semesters, you know.

And that's, that's every one of those classes was what, 10 weeks?

Uh, 9 weeks. We started off with 6 in the very beginning because that's what the training went, 6. I like to talk a lot. So I, you know, I said, you know what? I told him, principal, I need another day, another week. So I always had to petition for that. And then, so, okay, we'll give you one more week. And then I got to 7, and then I, then I said, you know what? I need another week, 8. And then we finally got to 9. So that's the last time I did it in the school district. We'd go for 9 weeks. Wow.

Wow. And the parents were faithful.

They pretty much, uh, would come the first time I taught it at Santa Maria High School because I worked at Pioneer High School, but they wanted to get the program started. The principal asked me to do a class. So the class I did there in Spanish, one of the workers who was a teacher's aide there who knew, kind of knew the teachers and had been a part of a lot of different programs there. She said, this is the first class that we've ever had. And it was like only 11 parents where every parent came to every class. I think I might've had one parent miss once. Wow. But she was just blown away that they came to every class and they loved it, you know? And, um, and it's not, it wasn't, I mean, I was gonna say it's not because of me. The teacher has a lot to do with it, but it's the material. If, you know, because you could be a great instructor, but if you don't have anything to instruct, right? But when you have content that they can understand and, and, uh, and make real for themselves— yeah, something that's way over their head, like, what, I don't get this— but something they can apply directly, and they get it. They— that's what the class is for, to explain. And they can see, oh, so this is— I can do this. Yeah, if I choose to, because it's all about working on myself.

Yeah, I think that's one of the main feedbacks that I have gotten over and over, you know. And I've been doing this since— believe it or not, I started teaching Parents on a Mission just by myself in 1996. You know, I mean, and then it grew and grew and grew. And then I started reproducing leaders like yourself so that I could reach more people through people like you in the prisons and the jails and the school districts and the churches and the nonprofit organizations. Um, I started doing that training, the train the trainer, in 2007. So I've heard so many— I have so many stories and so many letters and things, but the one constant I've heard over and over again is exactly what you said. The parents just said, wow, this is relatable. I get it. It, it's real to my life and it's doable.

Right. Because I think that, that parents would come in thinking that you're going to show them what to do with their children.

Right.

So that, that right there is a challenge already because Whatever their situation is, it's a challenge, especially in high school. They have teenagers. So I think they come in a little, you know, okay, what are we going to learn here? But when, when they start learning that we're not here to talk about your kids, we're just about you. So every time a parent would say, raise your hand, said, I got a question, and they would give me a scenario, you know, what my daughter's doing this. And this is going on, and then I've done this, I've done that, and then they'll say, what do you think I should do? And I would always say, I don't know, you're the parent. I said, I, you know that I've, I've only known the parent, I've only known your child for 2 minutes that you said. I can't possibly know what your child's like, but you do. So our class is not about your kids and what they're doing. It's about you and what you can do to be more effective with no matter what they do, right? That's right. And if— because, you know, uh, you know, plants, when plants, you know, you have a house, uh, a plant inside your house, it has like a flower And if you turn it, if you position it away from the light, by the morning it will turn to the light, to the sun, because that's what it's attracted to naturally. That's the way kids are. If, you know, if they see the parent alive, productive, you know, making an effort, positive, because they pretty soon, they, after a few classes, they do start feeling a little bit of confidence. They feel like they're getting somewhere. When the kids see that, that's what makes an impact, even if, even if the behaviors don't change. But I've seen over the years, because sometimes the parent— I would have their kids in a class, so I would watch the change take place.

Yeah, that's so powerful, man.

I mean, I, I mean, I, you know I, one time I had a grandparent who was in the class. The daughter was enrolled in my class, but I never saw her. I just had her name because she never came. And the grandmother was in the class. And in the beginning, and she was a former district employee. And in the beginning she was complaining, that's not going to work. That's not, you know, that's not. You don't understand my situation, my kids. I said, you know, let's wait. And then she would say, no, no, no, uh-uh, there's no way that's gonna— I can't do that. There's, you know, this isn't making any sense. And the husband was there too, and he was silent, you know, he'd just sit there. Well, pretty soon, you know, long story short, by the end of that class That lady wanted to be an advocate to the school district for the program.

Yeah.

And her daughters, they were granddaughters. And she would tell me stories like she'd be in the class, she'd tell everybody, she goes, look, you don't know what I'm going through. My granddaughters will come, they steal my credit cards, and then they're gone for the weekend. I don't even know where they're at. And then, then they come home. Monday morning, 4 or 5 in the morning, and then they just sleep. And that's why they don't go to school.

Oh man, wow.

So she would tell me all like, like trying to blow my mind, like, you don't understand what I'm up against, right? But I would always tell her, look, if you get better, everybody's going to benefit from it. That's the key. Well, I don't think so, you know, but by the end she loved the program so much and her granddaughter started coming to class every single day.

Man, I see that's the kind of story that I want people to hear. First of all, let me back up. You gave a great illustration of our mission statement, which I want to say. The mission statement for Parents on a Mission for all of you out there is turning the hearts of parents towards their children and the hearts of children towards their parents as the best method for preventing children from joining negative lifestyles. And when you said that when you turn the flower away from the light, it'll just go back to the light, and this illustration you gave in that story— and I know you have more stories, and so do I— uh, of how when kids see that light when they see that presence, when they see that connection, and they feel it and they know it's genuine. That's what I mean by now that grandma turned her heart towards those kids in a different way, they turned it, reciprocated, and she ended up coming to class, and the grandma wanted to be an advocate. I mean, that is a great story and example of the mission statement in practice, and you had a front row seat.

Yeah. Not only that, but the, the, the granddaughter became like one of my best students, you know, as far as like positive attitude, having fun. She connected with another one of my good students, became good friends, and her sister, who was her partner in crime, who would just do whatever they want, totally outta control. Ended up playing soccer for the high school, which meant going back to school, getting the grades, all that, and ended up on the soccer team.

You know, I just, I, there's so many stories like, I don't care. I mean, I've taught, I've trained people all over the country and in 3 other countries. It doesn't matter. In Canada, same story. And these were First Nations people or what we call American Indians or Native American Indians. Wherever it's been— Connecticut, East Coast, Texas, Oregon, you know, wherever, Arizona— but it's the same story over and over and over again. And like you said, you know, the facilitator, the teacher, the mentor has a lot to do with it. And that's part of the training, you know, that we know we got to be living what we're teaching. But, um, it's just so phenomenal. And one of the— that's— I, I just know you have all these stories, and I just wanted people to hear the results. I mean, I can talk about Parents on a Mission all day, and, and usually in this podcast it's me, you know, sharing something. But, um, hearing these stories, um— now you had another story I want you to tell about um, about a, a mother who was struggling with her son. And her son— you could tell the story, but— and they ended up— the story where she ended up taking him to the show.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. There was this, uh, I had a woman in my class. She was actually going to the same church I was going to at the time, uh, but— and she was, uh, married with a stepdad, you know. And the stepdad and the son just you know, were clashing. And of course that created a clash with her. And so there were— and he was about 14, 15 years old, you know, about that age. It was— things were just not going well. And I don't know, I can't remember exactly how it came to this point, but I remember exactly he left the house, right? You know, the interaction, you know, whatever you could imagine in your own family's life. So they battled, boom, took off. The father, he's a stepdad, he doesn't know what to do. He's just like, you know, you know. And then the, and the wife, the mom says, we got to go after him. She goes, well, I'm going to go. So she takes off. The boy is gone, running, walking, whatever. He just disappears. She gets in her car and just start— and she doesn't know what she's— and she had been in the class for about 4 weeks and we'd been talking about stuff like this, about how it's not about what you do with the kid, it's what you do with you. Right. And you know, it's a change in, you know, if you keep reacting the same way, you're gonna get the same results. So she had that in her mind. So she's driving around, she sees the kid and she goes, and I don't know what it was, but I said, I came up next to him. And I said, hey, I said, I want you to get in the car. And the son just like was going to just keep walking. She goes, but I just felt this confidence and boldness, not angry or mean, but she says, I just told him, look, she says, get in the car. And you see, I wasn't there, but I understand how there's a— the kid saw something different about her. I can't put my finger on it, but He responded. So he gets in the car. Now she's driving around. They're not talking because she doesn't know what to do. She's saying, okay, do I, do I start telling them stuff like, you can't be doing this? They're just driving around silent. Okay, she drives. She lives outside of Santa Maria. She drives into Santa Maria and, uh, she says, okay, we're going to go to the mall. And so, and the son doesn't say nothing. And then when they pull into a mall, she says, would you like to go see a movie? And he just kind of goes, whatever, you know, okay. So they get out, get off the car, they're still not talking. They go in the show, watch a movie, not talking. They come out, movie's over, get in the car, no talking, go home. He goes to bed, which— that's a positive, right?

Right. Yeah.

So, and then the next morning they had a talk, and he was different. He was open. And when she was telling that story, you know, first of all, I was touched and I was blown away. But I would always, whenever I would tell that story, I would say, now look, I can't tell you that that's what you should do.

Right, right.

The answer is, if you're having problems with your kid, take them to go see a movie and everything will be fine.

Right?

I wish that was so.

I wish that was true.

Well, because that's what parents are looking for. They're saying, what did you do?

Right, right.

I said, it's not about what she did, it's about who she is.

Correct.

Her life is being— little by little, she's growing, she's thinking a little differently, she's understanding that what she has been doing hasn't been effective. And so she, she didn't plan it out. She just kind of shot from the hip, right? But she kept quiet, says, he's— I know he doesn't feel like talking, so I'm not going to say anything, right? And the next day they talk and everything is good. Not perfect, you know, but of course, of course, it's operative. Goes to school, life returns, and things got better from that point on.

Yeah, I mean, all this stuff is a process. And by the way, for those of you that might be listening or watching for the first time, I'm in Santa Barbara California. My brother lives in Santa Maria, which is about an hour north from here in California. And also, I wanted to— this is one of the principles, what, what makes the difference, that I share all the time with parents. Most parenting classes teach parents how to deal with their children or how to fix their kids, as Tony's been explaining. But Parents on a Mission, we're teaching parents how to fix ourselves. To work on ourselves, that it is our leadership, our leading ourselves, it's our learning to respond and not react. It's all working on, on us, and that is the key. And one more thing I'd like to share with people is Parents on a Mission is not focused like most communities are on the rebellious behavior of children. We're focused on the problems that create rebellious children, not the problems that rebellious children create. But what are the problems that create rebellious children? And unfortunately, a lot of times it's what's going on in the home. And that is not mom and dad to shame you, but what that is, is to name you as the number one asset in the community, that you are the most important person in the community, and we encourage you not to abdicate your role of authority mixed with love in the life of your child. That is the most powerful thing. And the more homes we can get to follow these principles, we're going to see, and we continue to see, the kind of transformation that Tony's been talking about. Let me ask you this, Tony. What would you say Thinking about the, the whole curriculum, what would you say, um, uh, are some of the one or one of the one or two or three of principles that you feel really stand out, um, that you've seen people really, you know, latch on to and implement in their parenting?

Well, I think the number one thing for me, and it goes a lot deeper than just saying this, but is that when you start talking about you got to work on yourself. And what I mean by that is that, and some parents, uh, aren't ready to hear it. I don't usually say this in the beginning of the class, but we get to the point where we're comfortable with one another. They're getting the idea that, you know what, it's all about me working on myself. And I get to the point where I tell them, you have to accept that you are the problem, not your kid. And then they look at me, what? No, I'm a good parent. I have a job. I said, no, no, no, I'm not saying you're a problem parent. What I'm saying is you're the problem. You have to start thinking that way. I said, because if you understand you're the problem, that puts you in control. Because that means you're also the solution.

That's right. Or at least you're part of the problem.

Yeah. If you saying my kid is the problem, because that's usually what they say, it's him, he's on drugs. He's a— I said, well, then it's out of your control. How are you going to control him? You can't. But if you start looking at yourself and saying— because when they say, man, my kid's doing this now, then another thing I would say that would sometimes be hard for them to to receive. But then we, we talk it through, and I would say, the kid is just a reflection of you. Oh no, he's not. I, I'm a good responsible— I said, I'm not trying to insult you. I'm just saying, kids, you're the reflection. There's something about you. I can't tell you what it is. You have to work this out. But if you start working on yourself, pretty soon You'll start recognizing things, you know, that you need to work on and your kids will respond to it. Right. I can't tell you what it is. I'm not saying you're a bad person. I'm not saying you're irresponsible. I'm not saying you don't love your kid. I'm not saying any of that. I'm just saying the kids are a reflection of you. They're saying something to you, but the way they're behaving But if you're only going to look at them, that's out of your control. But if you say, okay, what is— what am I doing, or what am I not doing? Because then it's in your— it's in your court. You can do something about you. So when we go through those steps of looking at self-examination and all the— and especially your thought life, right? I really dig in on that one, you know, because You know, and those kinds of issues, forgiveness. So when really start drilling in on, uh, man, I, I want, I want to get better. And, and then you can really focus pretty soon. They almost kind of forget about the kids for a minute and they start thinking about, you know, how their life can get better, how they need to let go of things or start doing, you know, things like that.

Yeah. They start focusing on, on themselves. I mean, right. Parents on a Mission is based on the family systems thinking, and that we understand that our children, we are a symptom of our family system. All of us are. You and I are a symptom of our family system as brothers, and then we had 3 older sisters, and all of us came out of a— every family has a system. And that's why Murray Bowen says that one of the best ways we can grow on a personal level is to understand our relationships in our family of origin. When you start thinking about your dad, your mom, your stepdad, your stepmom, your stepbrother, your brother, your sister, and the relationships that you had in that system— because you know how it is there when you get around that system, that your mom, your dad, your brothers, you know, you're acting one way, but then when you go to work or you go somewhere else, then, you know, maybe you act a different way. But nevertheless, um, We're, we're all part of a system. And that's why when, um, schools and psychiatrists and psychologists and counselors, when they try to isolate a troubled kid from their family and try to fix the kid, it doesn't work because that kid is going right back to that dysfunctional system, and we're fighting a losing battle. Yeah, but if parents will take leadership of that system, because they're the leader, things change, right?

And, you know, it's a parent developing themselves, and that's different for every parent because some are doing it through education, some just through, you know, maybe I need to do a better job at my work, maybe I need to start showing up on time, not take extra lunch, you know, all these things that think that don't matter. They do matter. And, and, um, one thing about that is that what I have— what I also tell parents is this. And by the way, if you're a mentor and you're listening to this, I'm not saying that you should tell parents you're the problem. That's my method, right? That's the way I build relationships with people, right? But that's, you know, that's individual, you know. Same thing with a parent. You say take your kid to the show and it'll fix everything. You as a mentor, you know, if you say you're the problem, that might not work for you. So don't take it like that. But the other thing about when you're working on yourself is that it even has long-distance impact. I have a son who lives in Washington State, and that's, you know, I don't have— he doesn't see me. He doesn't know what I'm doing. He has no idea what my day-to-day life is, but I have seen ups and downs, but I have still seen what I do with my life is impacting him. You know, that's right. I wish it would have a greater impact, but nevertheless, I have seen the impact on him that has helped him even when I'm not there. So I let parents know, you might think, well, my son, They're, they're live in other cities. I said it doesn't matter. These are, these are, uh, family dynamics that have a spiritual, um, dimension to them that we really can't explain, but we just know that it's very real. It is very real. Your life, what you do with your life affects your kid, whether they see what's going on with you or not. It makes a difference. Like I tell the parents, obey the speed laws. No, because, and I just say that because they can, oh, you know, they can relate to it right away. Stop at the stop sign. And again, I'm not saying that because that's like a magic formula, but it helps them realize right away, oh man, I never thought about that. I said, those little things you're doing, you know, whatever it is in your household or on your job, these little adjustments that you recognize, you said, you know what, I got to pay more attention to this. But you're going to find that your sons and daughters are also going to do those same things. They'll start paying better attention to what they're doing, what they're thinking. This is, this is part of the blessing of being a parent.

And, and, and that is so true that those are the unseen dynamics that happen. Call them spiritual, whatever you want to call it. So what you mostly talked about there is the personal development of the parent. Now, the second one of the— or the second phase that we talk about is authoritative parenting. Talk a little bit about that and the importance of authority as a parent.

Yeah, I think that, um, sometimes in the cultures, especially in American culture, we've gotten to this place where we think that you got to give kids space You just gotta let them figure things out for themselves. Well, you know, to a certain degree, there could be a little bit of truth in that, but the reality is, is that they need, they want to know who's in charge. And it can't be the authoritarian way of the way I used to do it. You know, and I always tell my parents that was my problem. I was too authoritarian. I demanded what I say goes, and that's it.

But guilty.

Yeah. And, you know, I would yell at them, and, you know, and, and it hurt them. That's right, it hurt them. And what I'm doing now in my life, you know, like, like I said at the beginning, a lifelong process. We're all being healed little by little. I'm being healed. They're being healed. I'm seeing them get better and better and better. Uh, but, um, uh, I lost my train of thought.

You—

what did you ask?

Authority. Authority.

Authority. You know, when, when you start working on yourself and you start learning that you have to take charge of you, not think I'm going to take over this kid's life 'Cause that's, I've tried that, it doesn't work. But at the same time, when you, when you start taking charge of you and building yourself up, then you start realizing that I have to lead the way in this house. See, and, and sometimes authority means that you are gonna be the first one to do certain things like reconcile a battle that took place, an argument. Authority doesn't mean like, hey, you, you messed up, you need to come and apologize to me. I've done that, I've done that. It's ugly because it just doesn't work. But authority a lot of times is realizing I'm in charge, I'm the leader, I'm gonna— I am not gonna allow this tension to exist in my home. I'm going to go to my son, my daughter, I'm going to talk to them, and I'm going to tell them I made a mistake, I did wrong, and I want to apologize for that. And there's strength in that. There's— there is strength in that. And, and, and also, as little children, you know, they need to know who's in charge, and it needs to be you. That's right. They need to learn And when you see— when you're taking care of yourself, you exercise authority in a more loving way, not just by being mean, right? But you understand the significance of you demonstrating to your kids that you're the parent, they're the child, you know?

Well, we talk about how authoritative parenting like that, uh, establishes, uh, internal peace in children because they know that Hey, my dad, my mom, you know, they're going to take care of me. It establishes boundaries for them where they know that, you know, if they go too far, we're going to be there to say, hey, hey, you know, what are you doing? And we're using our authority not to be mean, but we're using our authority to teach them how to be concerned about other people, how to honor other people, uh, those kinds of things. Because children need to learn those kinds of things. But I'm sure you've experienced this. You, you see parents that, uh, they have absolutely no authority or control over their parents, over their children, and that just becomes a nightmare.

And I, and I've seen that live and in color many times because I would go to a parent conference with a kid. I was having— maybe I have a problem with the kids, okay? We're gonna, we're gonna have your parent come in. We're gonna talk, you know, and, uh, and, and then I, I would always want to do it by myself, but sometimes the counselor would say, hey, I see you have a meeting. Okay, well, I need to be involved. And I'm like, okay. So, you know, I don't want them, but that's okay. So we go into the office and then, and now I'm hearing this parent, the kid is there saying I don't know what to do. And the kid is sitting there and saying, I cannot make this girl or this guy, I can't make them go to school. I can't make them get out of bed. I can't, you know, I can't, I can't, I can't. They're surrendering in front of their kid, right? Basically telling us that everything's out of control. They've tried everything. I had a woman like that. That I was in meeting, totally depressed, sad, you know, and, and feeling like it was hopeless and blah, blah, all that story. And, uh, so in these classes, many times I would suggest taking Parents on a Mission, and some would, you know. Well, this lady says, well, I've tried all that. I've been to every kind of thing. My kid's been in trouble their whole life. I've tried every program, and I've already been through all that. I said, well, just, you haven't been to this one, so why don't you just give it a try? Well, same thing. She came in just, you know, like, okay, let's see what you got. You know, by the end of the program, she said, can I take this class again? I said, yes, you can. Yeah. And it was a total transformation. Of her first, but then I knew who the kids were because I think one of them was in my class. And I began to see the change in the kid, you know, right? And see, and learning, uh, you know, when, when a parent is in charge of themselves, they develop a sense of self-respect that they realize, I cannot allow this to exist in my home. Because it's like, I have, you know, we have to teach parents there has to be a healthy self-love. That's right. That you develop, that you stop putting yourself down, saying you're terrible. And because the kids are, you're, they're reflecting off of that and say, well, my mom didn't care about herself, why should I? I mean, they don't think that in their mind. It's just a, it's a dynamic that's going on. But when you start taking charge And then you start saying, okay, uh, what you did, we need to talk. I'm not happy with that. I want to hear your side of the story. And, uh, and all of a sudden you're approaching things differently. You're talking, and, and you may end up telling them, okay, you know, uh, you're still going to have to be punished, you know, whatever, right?

Right.

But, but the thing is, is that there's something happens when they, first of all, that you're stepping in as a parent. You, you want to hear what they have to say. This is just one example. And, and, but you did, you don't let them run over you. And the kids don't like it always at first, but if you're consistent, then they learn to respect that. And there's a different type of authority you're establishing there, more based on love and respect. Then who's the boss, you know?

Yeah, no, kids have an innate— I have, as you probably remember, I don't have it in front of me, a quote that I use from a psychologist that said, you know, runaway youth, they end up hating their parents because they have an innate desire for their parents to save them from themselves.

Yes.

Because their parents don't take authority they end up resenting their mom and dad, and they have love for the ones that showed the discipline, you know, and the correction and the shaping of character, even though at the time we don't like it. But those kids end up having respect and love for those kinds of parents. And that's what we're talking about, the authoritative type of parent, which is a balance between shaping character, you know, if there needs discipline, we'll do that, But we also have words of encouragement. We also have love and, you know, all of those kinds of things. And the other thing that you mentioned earlier that we teach, you know, we answer this question: How do I earn respect from my authority? I mean, that's one of the main things. And as you know, in Home Field Advantage, we teach them to start early. But even with older kids, one of the main principles, and it works, of earning respect for your authority is simply admitting when you are wrong and apologizing.

Yes. And I think that's weak.

Oh, that— I can't do that. I'm the dad. I can't admit to my children, you know, that I'm wrong. Yes, you can. And if you do, you're going to earn a lot of respect. Uh, when you are sincere and genuine about apologies like that.

Yeah. And see, I look, that's one thing I learned in Parents on a Mission when I got the training and when, when I would teach a class, I said, look, I'm teaching myself. We're learning this together. I don't have this all down. I'm not an expert, but I am a teacher and, and I have a job to do, but this applies to you and to me. And when I took those steps at different times of apologizing to my children, you know, and I read my brother's own testimony about his experience, you know, it, it brought some healing, you know, to me and to my kids. Uh, so we— and my, like, my son John, my oldest one, he's been institutionalized most of his life since he was a teenager, in and out of jail, in and out of prison. Hardly ever would see him, you know. But years ago, not too long, probably about 3 or 4 years ago, he's living in Washington State He was out of prison, kind of, you know, living wherever, doing things, trying to make it. And I talked to him on the phone and I said, hey, John, you know what? I want to, I got to share something with you. And I said, I just want to tell you that when you were younger, I know that I was way too hard on you when it came to discipline. I disciplined you too hard. I think I needed to discipline you. But I overdid it, and I know that it hurt you, not just physically, you know, it wasn't a beating or anything, spankings, you know, but, but I said, I know I hurt your heart, and I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for that, and I want to ask you to forgive me. And then it got quiet, you know, and when I'm saying it, who am I talking to? Yeah, but I'm saying it, I'm feeling the way I feel right now. I could feel like a lump in my throat. And I'm telling him this, he's on the other end, and then he just says this. He says, well, you know what, Dad, I needed to hear that. That was all he said. But it did something for him and for me. Yep. Even though he's way far away, and I wish he were closer so I could have more contact. But the thing is, is that that willingness to humble yourself and admit, it does wonders. Even we're talking about my son, is he's 50, he's 54 years old right now. So this is, you know, 4 or 5 years ago he was like 48, 49, 50 years old. It's never too late.

No, no, no, it's never, never too late. Never too late. And, um, I mean, I, I've had to apologize more than I want to, more than I want to admit. And, you know, living these principles, especially as a stepparent and building a blended family, which is one of the greatest challenges of my life, is having to blend families. And so I've made a lot of mistakes. And so if you're out there, you're listening, you're a stepmom or a single mom or a stepdad or blending families, Listen, we're with you. We've been through it. It's not easy. So don't beat yourself up and don't, you know, put yourself down and don't give up either. These things can be reconciled. And that is also one of the things we talk about in Parents on a Mission is the power of reconciliation.

Yeah, yeah. And forgiveness, you know, another thing that really helps parents is when they do little group sessions, right? I found that when, when you deal with the issue, like say forgiveness, or looking at what negative things have impacted your life— think about it, write it down, go talk with someone— you know, those, those moments, you know, I've had so many positive, uh, comments that parents— you know, I was in a classroom time where my son Jonathan was there He's one of my, uh, the youngest of the 3 stepsons. He's like, I think he's 50 now. But anyway, he, he was there in the class just visiting. He was visiting from out of town. He was there. And so I paired him up with a guy who was hard-nosed. He wasn't talking. He was all silent, tattooed all, you know, just, you know, a gang member and all that. He's there. He's just sitting there. He doesn't say a word. So I pair him up. I said, okay, okay, Jonathan, you go with him. You guys go together. And we were in the church. I said, spread them out. Okay, go over here, go over there, go talk. Well, when they came back, I said, okay, uh, who wants to share? What was that like? What did you guys experience? He was the first one to raise his hand. Blew me away. And he says, you know what, that really helped me because I didn't think there was anybody like me going through what I'm going through, feeling the way I feel. Because Jonathan's been through that too with me, right? The battle, the bitterness of the stepdad. He's my stepson, you know, and all that, being on the streets, being on drugs, being in jail, being in prison. He's been— and now he lives here in Santa Maria, right? He loves me, you know, he's glad to be here, you know. But, you know, we've been through some tough times. But when— so when he went and talked to that guy, the guy couldn't believe that, wow, there's someone else out there that feels the way I feel or been through what I've been through, and it just helps them so much to feel that they're not alone.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, I know that, that, that happens. Uh, those little breakout sessions that we do, um, really, I, I sometimes have to stop people. It's like, well, come back, come back now, we gotta— yeah, we gotta finish the class, you know, because they love, you know, being able to share. Uh, and you know that that comes, um, those kind of breakout sessions come a little 3, 4 weeks, whatever, right? You've been there a little while, you, you know, you've built a little rapport with each other and you've done some little icebreakers and you've gotten to know each other. And so this is the process that we want. Remember that information without emotion, there's no transformation. And so if, you know, I tell people this all the time, or especially those that I'm training. Like, if all you want to do is give people information, you know, that's, that's why I don't use a PowerPoint. But if you're going to use a PowerPoint and all you want to do is give them information and you don't care whether they believe it or like it or know it or it changes their life, no problem, you're giving them information. But Parents on a Mission is about transformation, and we Transinformation must be connected with emotion, and that brings the transformation. And so the classes, for those of you that have never taken them and you might be listening to this for the first time, that's the way they're structured. We're not, you know, as Tony already said, we're not experts. We're not like we've got it all together. But what we have is experience, and we've seen change in our lives, and we're facilitating the process where people begin to trust each other. They begin to be transparent and vulnerable, and that's the magic. That's when things happen. And then they go home and the kids see something different. And so those breakout sessions and those exercises that we do, that's the purpose of it, is to cause people like this young man that Tony mentioned, who was opening up his heart because somebody was listening who understood and had a similar experience.

Yeah, one of the things that I also try to help parents understand, you know, there's a scripture in the Bible that says that God is going to make you his signet ring. Most people don't know what that is, but a signet ring is something you see in the movies where They would, you know, drip some wax on a document and then stamp it with the official, uh, seal of the king or whatever, so that when they took the document, they would know, oh, this is, this is for real. Well, you see, when you're, if you put to practice what you're learning, this is true in any field, but in Parents on a Mission, if you put, if you're the parent and you put to practice, you don't just go to the class, get the information and check it off. But you work on it, you're actually working on the forgiveness part, the, you know, the personal development. What starts to happen is that things start to get chiseled away in your life. These are things you can't see or feel, but your life begins to take shape. And your kids are like clay, they're like putty. And you're— every time you're around them, you're making an impression on them that you can't see. But it's real. And what you will see is, is the change in them. I had a mother one time come to class, and she's, you know, I ask her at the beginning, how things going, anybody got comments? And the mother raised her hand. She's in a Spanish class, and she was, she said, I, I want to share something. And, and as soon as she started talking, she broke, started crying. She goes, my daughter who was in my class, another student. She goes, my daughter said to me these, just these simple words, which were powerful and had the woman just broken. Her daughter says, Mom, I see a difference in you.

Wow.

Just though, now I know teenagers and they, you know, they were, you know, battling, don't talk to each other, they don't have a good relationship. So I understood for her to say that to her mom That's like a mile. That's huge. Like a canyon breaking through a mountain, you know? So it is your life, the things you do to get better yourself. You're impressing your children with something that you might not see results right away, but sooner, as long as you keep working on you, you're gonna keep— and I, I would tell my students all the time, If you're in my class, first of all, you're not here by accident. I know you don't understand that, but I'm going to tell you this. If you're in my class for the whole year, my life is going to make an impact on your life and you're never going to be the same. And they would look at me like I was crazy. I'd say, you know, I know you don't understand that, but I'm just telling you this. If you're here, I'm going to make a mark on you and you're never going to be the same. Well, with the parents, You might not get like that, but I try to explain it to them. You're, you're impacting your kid's life in ways that you can't imagine. Keep going forward. Don't give up.

Right, right, right.

It's powerful.

That's powerful stuff, man. Well, listen, I'm going to leave it right there. I— that, that's a, a great way to end this, uh, episode. So listen, for those of you that are listening, again, you're listening to the parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos, your host. You've been listening to my brother Tony Ramos, and I just want to encourage you in a couple of ways. Number one, um, I'm going to be giving a master class for free online on April the 23rd at 12:00 PM Pacific Standard Time, and I'm just going to share some of the, uh, things that we teach. If you're interested in that and you want to join that, it's going to be live. It'll be a live podcast, or I'm sorry, a live stream. You just need to go to my website, richardramos.com, richardramos.com, and there's a contact tab. You'll see a tab that says contact, and you just click on that. There's a form. All you need to do is put your email address in there and give me a note. Hey Richard, I would love to join your master class on April 23rd. So that's one thing. Secondly, if you want to read what Parents on a Mission is all about, my book is on the website. You'll be able to easily find it. And there's, uh, um, there it is right there. Uh, there's videos on my website that you, if you want to learn what's more more about what is this all about. So that's there. Also, if you say, hey Richard, I'm, I'm ready, I'm in, I, I want to, I want to go through the class. Well, I have an online class. Let's say that you're listening to this and there's not a Parents on a Mission instructor, mentor, teacher in your city. You can go on my website, richardramos.com Go to the tab at the top of the website and it says courses. Just click on that and you, you'll be able to easily enroll in the Parent on a Mission online course. And the beautiful thing about this is that you take it at your own leisure. You can watch one video for as long as you want to and then turn it off and maybe the next day go back. There's 15 videos. None of them are more than 20 minutes. They're, they're all very short. But I did that for those of you that do not have a Parent on a Mission teacher class in your city, and but you say, hey, I want to go through this, I want to learn this stuff. There it is online for you. Just go to my website and you'll find it there. And beyond that, I would really appreciate it if you would subscribe to this podcast, if you would like the, the episode. And if you would share it, share it with your friends, share it with family members. If you know parents who, um, you feel like, wow, you know, that they could really listen or hear something like this and really, uh, inspire them, share it with them. Because that's how I can reach more people, and that's the goal, is to reach as many parents, stepparents, single parents, blended families as we can. Uh, there's a lot going on in the world today. There's a lot about this whole, uh, artificial intelligence, which I've talked about on my podcast, about the digital age that we're living in, and so many things that are going on. And that's why, Mom and Dad, you are the most important asset in the life of your children. And in my opinion, you are the most important person in the community. So let me end with this, as I always do. Remember, Mom and Dad, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.