Richard R. Ramos | FAMILY, LEADERSHIP, COMMUNITY

Foreign I'm Richard Ramos, and welcome to Family Leadership and Community, where I'm talking about the different things that go on, whether it's in the community or issues of leadership. But today I want to talk about family. And what I want to talk about is a situation that comes up from time to time that I try to help parents with throughout. Over the course of the many years I've been working with families, and that is, what do you do about a young child or a teenager who is just constantly getting in trouble? You've been to the school, maybe if he's still in school or she's still in school. You've talked to the counselor, you've met with the principal. You know, you've done basically just about everything you can do, and yet there's still this persistent rebellion, persistent defiance, not listening to you, not listening to school. And so, you know, sometimes you're just ready to throw your hands up in the air and, you know, what do you do? So I want to suggest to you a role that I call the role of the farmer. And normally when I talk about this, I talk about three other roles that parents have. And one is the role of the gardener or the role of the nurturer, like a gardener taking care of your flowers. You know, you have to pay attention, you have to cultivate, you have to water, and you have to nurture the flowers or your plants so that they grow up healthy in the way you want them to grow. And that's kind of the role of a parent. When child are very small, then we move into, you know, when the children turn like 2, 3, 4, 5. Now we have the role of a trainer where we are using discipline to help our kids. You know, don't do this, don't do that. You stop talking that way and things like that, where we're, you know, shaping their character. And then when kids get a little bit older, we send them to school, and now they're in school and they're getting older. And now we kind of take on the role of a life coach, where we're standing on the sidelines of life and we're watching our kids in the game of life. And now we, you know, they're interacting socially at school with authority figures, teachers, principals, other kids and things like that. So, you know, that that's. Those are kind of the roles that we play. But having all of those different roles, sometimes, even though we're nurturing and we're training and we're using discipline and, and coaching, sometimes, you know, kids, some of Our kids, they just continue to give us a hard time or to give the school a hard time. So what do you do? Well, first of all, I want to encourage you parents not to beat yourself up, you know, because this, this happens. You know, the extreme is you can be the best parent in the world and your kid doesn't turn out so well, or you could be the worst parent in the world and your kid turns out great. I mean, those are extremes, but for the most part, you know, we're doing the best we can. And sometimes these things happen. So don't beat yourself up. That's the first thing I want to say to parents. I want to encourage him. But I've had so many parents that have come to me over the years and said, richard, you know, what do I do? I don't know what to do. And at the time, when I heard that, I didn't have an answer. I was a young parent myself, and I was like, man, I don't know. I didn't say that. But in my mind, I'm like, I don't know. So I thought through this, and I came up with this strategy. And I call it, in addition to the role of the gardener, the nurturer, the role of the trainer, and the role of the coach, I call it the role of a farmer. And now what. What is the things. What are the things that a farmer does? So, all right, so number one, a farmer has to plow the land. Okay. And secondly, a farmer is going to plant. Plant seeds, and then you're going to water the land. And also you have to cultivate. You know, you have to watch the weeds and the bugs and the different things like that. So we all know that farming is hard work. And I just want to be very upfront about that because I want to give parents hope. I want to give you a real answer. I want to give you something that works. It's worked in my life. I've seen it work in other people's lives. But I got to be up front. This is hard work. And just like a farmer, it takes persistence, it takes patience, and it takes a little bit of prayer, because we all know that no farmer expects a harvest overnight. You're not going to get your harvest, you know, next week or next month. And that's the thing about this process of being a farmer. So let me explain what these different. These metaphors that I use. So, number one, plowing. What that is, is that's confrontation. This is where you, as a parent, you're not giving up your role as a parent, you're not giving up your role as an authority figure. You are confronting the behavior. And, you know, sometimes this can wear you out. This can really just psychologically wear you out. But the thing is, just like a farmer, you plow that land, and what we're really doing is we're dealing with the heart. The heart is like the fertile soil or the soil that you want to be fertile, and so you got to plow it. And so this is always confronting. I told you not to do that. We've talked about this before. I know you don't want to hear it, but you're doing it again. And you're just constantly, you know, sometimes maybe you get in an argument. You know, that happens. It's happened with me. Other times you're calm about it. But the thing is, you are confronting and you're just dealing with that heart constantly, letting them know this is unacceptable. Then, secondly, planting this. We plant seeds. And the seeds are our words, the words that we use when we are confronting. And, you know, this again, this takes practice, but I just want to give it to you so you can think about it now. But the words that we use, so we, you know, I've learned sometimes we can say things that we don't mean, or we're angry, or we say things that we wish we wouldn't have said during this confrontation, because this is an ongoing issue. But what I've learned to say are words like this, you're better than that. I believe in you and I love you, but I don't love what you're doing. I. This is not who you really are. I know that that's not the real you. You know, things like that. Because now I am giving a negative message in a positive way. I'm not using shame. I'm not saying what's wrong with you. Are you stupid? Can't you get it? You know, those kind of things where, you know we've all been guilty of, and you say those things and they really are not going to get us a result. But nevertheless, our words are very powerful. And we know that. We know words are powerful. So we're plowing with confrontation. We're planting words with what we say and how we're dealing with the issue and then watering. I call this affection. Because we know that everybody needs affection. Everybody needs affection. And sometimes, you know, when a kid's giving you a hard time and you don't always feel like giving them affection. But see, it's important because even when they're acting out when there are times when you find a place where you can give them affection, give them a hug, a pat on the shoulder, you know, just do it because they need it, even though they're not acting right. But that's what I call water for the soul. Because as human beings, everybody needs affection. You know, in the good times, in the rough times, in the bad times, that's just like pouring water on a plant that just needs that nourishment. Okay? And then the cultivate. This is what I call affirmation and like cultivation, that just. It's just something that you do over time. Not necessarily every day. You're not pulling weeds every day, but. But, you know, you're watching the plant, and so you got to make sure you pull the weeds or the worms or the bugs out of the plants. Affirmation. Anytime you have an opportunity to give a good word. Way to go, son. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for taking out the trash. Thank you for cleaning your room. Any kind of affirmation that you. Whenever you have an opportunity, give that affirmation. And here's. Here's the hope. You have to know, mom and dad, that the law of the harvest is on your side. That's the hope. Because the law of the harvest works every time. What that means that as long as we are. We plant apple seeds, we're going to get a harvest of apples. If we plant orange seeds, we're going to get a harvest of oranges. So if we are planting positive words with this confrontation, and we are watering those words and that seed with affection and affirmation, and if we are patient and persistent, the law of the harvest is on your side. You're going to reap that harvest. Now, listen to me. Now here's the tough part. When are you going to reap that harvest? That part I don't know. I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Because every child is different. Every situation is different. But what you need to know is if you are persistent, if you are consistent, and if you can be patient, and if you believe in prayer, you're going to reap the harvest. So that's my encouragement to you today. That's my formula for you. If you're dealing with a rebellious child, don't give in. Don't give up. Try this and see what happens. I've done it. It's worked for me. It's worked for a lot of other people. So that's what I got for you today. Again, I'm Richard Ramos, family leadership and community see you next time, Sam.