Conflict-Free Communication - How to Build Positive Relationships and Avoid Drama

Would it surprise you if I told you I have very, very little conflict in my life? Would it surprise you even more if I told you I have learned the secrets of how to eliminate conflict? I don't spend my life cleaning up messes because I have learned the secret to conflict resolution and conflict management before conflict ever begins.

Welcome to becoming wiser with Dr. Robert A. Rohm, author and world renowned public speaker, as he shares stories involving his experiences and lessons learned in a good spirited, positive and fun way. Here's Dr. Robert A. Rome. Hi, I'm Dr. Robert Rome, President of Personality Insights. And on today's podcast, we're going to be talking about conflict management. It seems to be a very, very big topic, but what I want to share with you is something so powerful that really is almost shocking to hear. The fact that you can eliminate conflict management if you understand how conflict happens in the first place. So if you're listening to this or taking notes, I'm going to share with you three thoughts that keep me from pretty much ever having to deal with conflict. I'm not saying that in an arrogant way. I'm not saying that in a boastful way. I've had plenty of conflict in my life. I'm sure you have too. It's just part of breathing and being alive. But, you know, the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again, expect to get different results. Well, if you're involved with conflict or conflict seems to find you, or there seems to be a lot of conflict in your life, would it be anything wrong with asking yourself the question, why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep getting involved in conflict? Conflict is not just in a cloud somewhere floating around and dumping itself on a certain group of people like a rain cloud. That may be the way rain happens, but it's not the way conflict happens. I certainly understand that if rain is in the cloud and it's drifting over your neighborhood and it starts raining and you're underneath that cloud, you're going to get wet or your house is going to get wet because that's where the rain's falling. Well, conflict's not like that. Conflict happens for a reason. It happens because something happened. So I'm going to share with you three things that I believe keep me out of conflict. Keep me from having to spend time cleaning up messes. It is true that we all can make a mistake. It is true that you can't cry over spilled milk. But it is also true that you can learn to clean things up before they spoil. So let me share with you these three things about conflict and you can have time to think about this. It will require some mid course corrections in your own life, in your own family, in your own business. But I promise you the payoff is well worth the effort. The first thing that will help you in the area of conflict management is understanding your words. Your words, those words came out of your mouth. Those words came from your body. You spoke some words and the words created conflict. I promise you men, if you look at your family members and say, you're not going to wear that, are you? That really makes you look ugly or unattractive or overweight, I promise you there will be some conflict that will follow that. I promise you that. Your words have power. Proverbs 18:21 says, Life and death are in the power of your words. A lot of conflict can be cleaned up when you're just careful with your words. I have learned, painfully, I have learned I don't have to say something about everything. I can keep my opinion to myself. I don't have to speak everything that's on my mind. You'll hear people brag about that. Well, I just gave them a piece of my mind. Actually, you did more than that. You gave them a piece of your mind, your will, your emotions, your intellect, and maybe even the relationship that you formerly had with that person. Is it really worth destroying a relationship or a friendship over? Do you have to say something? And also, learning to just think things through and being a little more careful with words is helpful as well. Let me give you an example. I have a friend who's a pastor. He had one of the missionaries that was representing their church. They were out on the foreign mission field and they were having a meeting at the church one night and someone brought up the fact that the missionary had bought a Cadillac. And they told the pastor in front of the whole church, we do not believe he should buy a Cadillac. We want him to have a car, but a Cadillac is a top of the line model and we just don't think he should have a Cadillac. And we don't know why he would take the money, the funds that we have supported him with, and go out and buy a Cadillac. The pastor, being a very wise man, thought to himself, you know, that just doesn't sound right. That doesn't sound like something he would do. So the pastor said to the meeting, the people at the meeting that night, he said, could we just table this? He said, that man's a friend of mine. I'd like to Call him and just maybe find out if there's more to the story. The next day, the pastor was able to get him on the phone. I can't make this stuff up, folks. Turns out that he had not bought a Cadillac, but he had recently had a cataract removed from one of his eyes.

I hope you're just shaking your head, going, wait a minute. There's a big difference between a cataract being removed from one of your eyes and going out and buying a new Cadillac. You see, some words got mixed up. Some words had been spoken inappropriately about the individual. And the pastor was able to say, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before we get this thing in a mess, I need to find out a little more. Recognize your words are the most powerful thing you possess. The reason I don't have to clean up a lot of conflict is because I'm careful with what I say. Second thing. The second thing. When you're talking to someone.

Learn to say the phrase as you're talking to them. Say, listen, I have something I want to share with you, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. So if you would give me a chance to share this maybe two or three different ways so I can be sure I'm clear. Now. You got to think that through. I'll say it again. Yeah, there's something I want to share with you, and I'm not sure I can share it in just one sentence or one thought or one. So would you be so kind as to give me two or three chances to explain what I'm trying to explain to you now? Here's the. Here's the power of that. After you explain it the one, the first time, learn to say, do you. Do you have any questions? Did I explain that in a way that I'm trying? It might be something as simple as you're getting ready to go out to eat. And since I'm the husband, I'll say to my wife, sweetheart, I want to share something with you about going out to eat tonight, but if it's okay, I want to share it two or three different times so I can make sure I'm being clear. Is that okay? She'll say, sure, sure. What is it? Say, well, I'd like to go out to eat tonight, but I want to make sure that you feel like you get a say in what we do as well. So it's not like I have my heart set on a restaurant. Where would you like to go out to eat tonight? See what I just did? I created a scenario that there's a lot of flexibility. There's not conflict.

Let'S say you. But let's suppose I say it differently, sweetheart, I want to go to Longhorns. I'm in the mood for steak, and I'm going to go to Longhorns. And I don't care whether you go with me or not. That's where I'm going. And if you want to go find. If you don't stay home or go somewhere else, I know. I can see your eyes getting real big right now going, wow, that creates some conflict. I promise you it would. So I've learned not to do that. I've learned what to do, but more what not to do. And one of the things, when you're talking to someone about a situation, it doesn't matter whether it's your family vacation, going out to eat, to a movie or a business deal. In a business deal, you might say, now let me share with you how I see this business deal coming, coming down. But I can't explain everything in one sentence. So let me explain it two or three different ways. This is a lot like looking at an object from several different angles. It's like looking at a situation and saying, this is the way I see it. Let me explain that a couple of times in a couple of different ways so I can try to get out exactly what I'm saying. However, I want you to have the freedom to ask questions. I don't. I heard somebody say this one time, I don't want to be right. I just want to get this right. I'd write that down. That has saved my conflict resolution mind many, many times when I'm talking to somebody and say, listen, I just want you to understand I'm not trying to be right. I'm trying to get this right. You see, that's the whole idea of, let me say this. And very few of us can get an entire concept out in one sentence. It takes two or three sentences or four or five sentences. So when you start with, you know, I'd like to try to explain this, but if you don't mind, it might take me two or three times to get this out. And I certainly want you to have the privilege. I certainly want you to have the opportunity to ask any questions, you're going to see that that changes the whole tone of what you're trying to do. You explain, this is the way I see this business deal coming down. We're going to buy this product for this amount of money, and this will be the net gain for our Business. Now, let me say it another way. I think our business would be better off by having this product. But I want to get your input and see what you have to say or what you have, any questions about that so I can be sure I'm thinking that through correctly. Do you feel. Do you sense the teamwork, the collegiality, the camaraderie, all those great words that mean, let's work together on this, folks? If you have the something inside of you that says, well, I'm just in a hurry to do this the way I want it to, let me tell you two other words that describe that. It's called conflict resolution. You're going to create conflict, and then you're going to have to resolve the conflict that you created. I am not in the business of cleaning up conflicts that I created. Sometimes they find me, sometimes I create them. But very, very, very rarely am I embroiled in some kind of conflict because my attitude is, well, I don't have to be right about everything. I'd like to get things right. So let me ask a couple of questions. Please feel free for you to ask me. Listen, there is a principle called are you easy to be entreated? Are you easy to be entreated? We don't use the word entreated a lot, but it means, are you approachable? Can someone talk to you about something without you blowing up, without you reacting, without you falling apart?

I learned in graduate school.

That many times we had to take the opposite point of view. My doctoral minors in psychology and counseling. Sometimes we'd have to take the opposite point of view and argue it to our opponent just so they could see whether or not we were listening to them and we understood what they were trying to say. Did you follow that? In other words, I have a point of view and you have a point of view, and our points of view are in diametric opposition to each other. I want to listen to you till I can explain your point of view to you so clearly that you would look at me and say, yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to say. You eliminate conflict and you bring about conflict resolution. So, again, the first one was, with our words, the way we speak to people. The second, being able to say, I want to share something with you, but let me have a chance to share it a couple of times and let you ask questions just so I can make sure I'm clear. Here's the third one, and this one may be the most important of all. Do not speak behind someone's back. Anything that if it gets back to them, it's going to make matters worse.

That is one of the most powerful things I've ever learned. Let me say it two or three different ways just to be very, very practical. If you were my friend and I was talking to you, I give you my word, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever talk about you behind your back. Unless it's something good. If it's something good, then I'll brag about you all I want to behind your back. But if it's something unkind or if it's something that's going to create conflict, just bite my tongue. Now you say, well, yeah, but sometimes you need to talk to people about things that are hard. That's exactly right. And I already said the way to handle that in what I just said. If I'm going to talk to you about something that's hard, I'm going to talk to you about it, not the world you and I can get alone. I always try to make sure the person's rested. That person, they're not in a hurry, they're fed. Did you hear those things there? It's at a neutral time where they're not in a hurry. They're not going to sleep on me. It's not late, late at night. They. They're rested, they're fed, they're not in a hurry. And say, listen, there's a couple of things I need to talk to you and I wanted to talk to you. They're a little bit challenging for me, and I was hoping we could just talk about these as friends, alone, here, behind closed doors. Did you catch all that? I'm trying to show respect. I disagree with people about a lot of things, but I'm never disagreeable about anything. Wow, that's worth the whole podcast right there. It's one thing to disagree, it's another thing to be disagreeable. My father used to tell me that growing up, Robert, it's okay to disagree, but it's not okay to be disagreeable. You see, if I'm going to talk to you, I'm going to talk to you when you're rested, when you're fed, you're not hungry, you're not in a hurry. We have time and we're alone, and I'm not going to embarrass you, and I'm going to say, you know, there's something that happened and I'd like for us to talk about, see if we could work through this together. In other words, I'm not going to talk about you behind your back about anything, that if it got back to you, you would feel betrayed. You would feel as though I either hurt your feelings, I was disrespectful, or worse yet, I was just a big blabber mouth gossip about you. However, if I tell my friends, oh yeah, I was with, I was with John the other day. He is such a great guy. John really does love people and he's got such a good attitude. I hope I can be more like him. And that gets back to John. And John says, somebody says, hey, I was talking to Dr. Rome the other day and John said he wants to be more like you because you're such a good guy. Can you see how that would be edifying and encouraging and uplifting, not gossip, not betrayal and not disrespect. So let me recover them real quick. Isn't that funny? I just said let me recover them. I meant to say let me cover them. I think the right word is recover them because those are the three things we need to recover in our life every day. Number one, be careful about your words, what you say. Those words came out of your mouth. Those words came from your lips. Those words came from your body. Be careful about your words. Everything I've said on this podcast today has been uplifting, edifying, and encouraging because I know how to use words carefully. Number two, if you're explaining something, start at the beginning by say, I have something I want to explain to you, but if it's okay, I may need to explain it two or three times to get the concept out. And I want to give you the opportunity to ask any questions. I've learned that sometimes if I just say something one time, there's misunderstanding. So if it's okay, I'd like to explain this and maybe then explain it again from two or three different angles from everyone's point of view. And then we'll see if you have any questions so we can work through this together. And then number three, never, ever, ever say anything behind someone's back that would be hurtful or painful. Sometimes I realize I was a school principal. Years ago, I noticed when I had parents and teachers in my office talking about students or their children. When I later talked to the child, the student about it, they would look at me and say, what did my parents say about me? What did my teachers say about me? I picked up real quickly. Do you want someone to have a meeting about you to talk about you behind your back but not let you know anything about it? That happens in the workplace all the time. It's detrimental to health, it's detrimental to your job, it's detrimental to your future, and it's certainly detrimental to progress in a business. I love my staff. We have hard conversations sometimes where we talk about things. If it includes three or four of us, everybody's on the call. I just don't want to participate in a meeting that's about somebody where we're going to be talking negatively or hateful or unkind and then have to clean it all up. That's called conflict management or conflict resolution. And it's a big waste of time because you could have avoided it by being wise in the first place. By the way, that's what these podcasts are all about. Becoming wiser. And if you'll include these three methodologies in your future endeavors, you're going to become wiser and know how to handle conflict management. I'm Dr. Robert Rome. I hope this has been helpful today. Practice these things. You'll be glad you did, I promise. See you next time. Thank you so much. For more information about this podcast, please visit www.becomingwiserpodcast.com.