Learn How to Apologize the CORRECT Way

Have you ever had someone apologize to you and after they apologize to you, you felt more anger and frustration towards them before they even apologized to you?

Welcome to becoming wiser with Dr. Robert A. Rohm, author and world renowned public speaker, as he shares stories involving his experiences and lessons learned in a good, spirited, positive and fun way. Here's Dr. Robert A. Rome. Today we're going to be learning three key ingredients in learning how to apologize. Now, this information has taken me a lifetime, literally a lifetime to learn and to develop. And part of it is because I really want to be a wise person. We call these podcasts Becoming a Wise Sage. I was talking to my daughter recently and she informed me that the word sage sometimes can be thought of as a color and sometimes the word sage can be thought of as an herb. But in this context, being a wise sage, many, many years ago, a sage was someone, you can look this up is someone who is very, very wise. They were very astute. They usually were much older. They were someone who had spent a lifetime learning and growing and finding out how to do life correctly. So when I talk about becoming a wise sage, I'm really talking about becoming a wise person. Learning how to play the game of life well, learning how to do things correctly. I had a professor who taught me years ago. He said, everything you learn in your life, you only learn one of two ways. Boy, when I hear things like that, my ears perk up. I mean, everything I've learned, I've only learned one of two ways. He said, we learn by contrast. That, that is, that doesn't work. Don't do that. If you touch the hot stove, you don't have to touch it every day to figure out, I'm not doing that again, that hurt. That's called contrast. But we also learn by comparison. Comparison is, this is the way you ought to do that. This is the way you ought to work with other people. This is the way you ought to organize your desk. This is the way you ought to read. This is the way you ought to study. This is the way you ought to take a trip. In other words, learning how to do things correctly has some real benefit to it. So as I mentioned earlier today, we're going to be talking about, and I think you're going to love this. This is really deep. And I just, I've gotten great response over the years as I've shared this with people. Three key ingredients in learning how to apologize. First of all, number one, you do not need to apologize for events or situations that were not your fault. That were not your responsibility. I'll give you an example. Years ago, I had an assistant. His name was Carl Smith. Carl is a prince of a guy. Just did a great job, worked with me for, I don't know, 15 years. It was every day it was enjoyable working with Carl. Well, one day we're in heavy traffic and Carl says to me, Dr. Rome, I'm sorry there's so much traffic today. Well, I didn't think anything about it. I didn't, you know, I'm not. My goal is not to go through life correcting everyone, straightening everyone out. I just thought, well, that was nice, you know. Few days later we were in the office and it was a downpour. I mean, it was raining so hard I could hardly believe it. We were standing at the door looking at the water rise quickly outside. Carl walked next up, walked up next to me, looked out the window and said, Dr. Homo, Dr. Homan, I'm sorry it's raining so hard today. And I started laughing and he said, what? I said, carl, do you remember the other day when we were in heavy traffic, you apologized for so much traffic? He said, yes. I said, and now you're apologizing for the rain and the weather. I said, are you in charge of traffic? He said, well, no. I said, are you in charge of the weather? He said, no. I said, carl, if you are not responsible for what's taking place, if it's not your fault, if this situation is nothing you brought about or nothing that you can control, you don't need to apologize for everything. And he looked at me and said, I'm sorry. And we both got a big kick out of it because he even apologized for apologizing too much. Well, a couple of weeks later, he came up to me and he said something very transformational. He said, Dr. Rome, he said, I've been thinking. He said, you remember a couple weeks ago how I apologize for the traffic and I apologize for the weather? I said, yeah. He said, and then you said to me, he said, do you remember what you said to me? And I said, yes, I do. And he said, that changed my life. I said, what do you mean? He said, when you said to me, carl, you don't have to apologize for everything. It's not your fault if you didn't bring about the situation, if you didn't cause it. You don't need to apologize for things that you have no control over that have nothing to do with you. He said, I have just learned over my life to apologize for everything. And he said in the Last couple of weeks, I've been asking myself, was that my fault? Was I responsible for that? Is that something that I caused to happen or I brought about? He said, you know what I've discovered? There are a lot of things I apologize for that I have no business apologizing for. And then he said the thing that really opened his eyes. He said, if I apologize for everything when I really do need to apologize for something, it's going to be meaningless because I apologize for everything. Now, folks, I hope you get that this is just our first point here. If you start apologizing for everything that takes place when you really do need to apologize for something, it's going to be meaningless because you apologize for everything. Only apologize for things that you've done wrong, things you've said that were inappropriate, things you've done that. You need to ask someone to forgive you or to tell them you're sorry. So if it doesn't have anything to do with you, if it's thundering and lightning outside, or if it's bad weather or heavy traffic, that's not your fault. You might, if you're with children or with someone, you might could say things like, now, don't be afraid, or we'll get through this, or everything's going to be okay. Just learn to save your apologies for when you really need to give them. They'll be much more meaningful and people will appreciate them and will receive them so much more. Number two, the second thing, and this is really. I mean, you just are not going to believe what you're about to hear. But get ready. The second point is how to apologize. You say, what do you mean, how to apologize? Well, just keep listening. Here's the general rule of apologies. Never repent and rebuke at the same time. I'll explain what I mean. Never repent. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. That was my fault. Please forgive me and. And rebuke. Well, you know, you've done things wrong too, and you're not perfect yourself at the same time. If you are apologizing, then apologize and keep your finger pointed at yourself. I'll give you an example. Here's a correct apology. Wow. I should never have done that. That was very unkind of me. Wow. I should not have said that. Wow. What I did, I have come to see. I was wrong and. And it was my fault. I'm not blaming anybody. It was me. I was the one who did that. I. Those words came out of my mouth. That behavior came from my body, my Environment that I created, that. That behavior in my environment, that was my fault.

I should never have done that. See, everything I said points at me. Here's how you mess up an apology. Wow. I am really sorry about what happened. But, you know, I know you understand because you made mistakes yourself, too. See what I just did? I repented and rebuked at the same time. It does not work. It makes the person you're apologizing to feel slighted. That's why I was started the podcast today by saying, have you ever had someone apologize to you, and after they apologize to you, you felt more angry or upset about the situation than before they even apologized to you? I've heard people make a. I mean, I've got a whole long list of apologies. I'll share a few of them with you. Hey, listen, I'm so sorry about what happened. But, hey, nobody's perfect. Are they? See, that's that you. You're. You just ruined your apology by throwing off on another person or other people. Yeah, nobody's perfect. How about this one? You know, I've been wrong about this situation, but, you know, you've been wrong at times yourself. See? See how. I mean, it's comical when you hear it, but not one person. Listen to me. Not one person in a thousand. I might go so far as to say, not one person in 10,000 knows how to apologize. We're going to be coming to point three in just a minute, and that'll be the icing on the cake. But if you are apologizing, then apologize. I'm sorry about what happened. Please forgive me. That was my fault. And stop. Don't keep going. Don't bring them into the mix. You know, I was late for this meeting. It was my fault. And next time I will start earlier. I learned a good lesson. Please forgive me. Okay, not, wow, I'm sorry I was late for the meeting, but probably everybody here's been late for meetings, too. And y' all know how it is when you get behind slow people in traffic. I was talking to someone the other day, and they said that almost that exact sentence. They were late for an appointment, and they said, wow, I think everybody in town who drives slow got in front of me today. I thought to myself, that is such a poor apology. You would have been much more respected and much more thought of if you had said, I am so sorry. I was late. I started. I left my house too late this morning. I now see I'm going to have to allow for traffic and leave earlier in the future. That Was my fault. Please forgive me. I learned a good lesson. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. See the difference? You've got to practice this stuff.

I'm so focused when I apologize to keep my finger pointed in my face. You know, I should never listen. I'm apologizing to my wife. How about this? Here's the way it would go. Hey, sweetheart, I am sorry I was late for dinner. You said dinner would be ready at 6 o' clock and it's 6:15. I know you worked hard and you've got it on the table and it was my fault for being late and you have prepared dinner for us and, but, and here I am running late and now everything's gotten cold. I am so sorry. In the future, I will be where I'm supposed to be on time. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

See what I just did? I blamed myself. And when I did mention her in it, it was to lift her up. You cooked a good dinner. You had it on time. I told you I'd be here. This is my fault. See, if I say to my wife, sweetheart, I'm, I'm sorry. You said dinner would be ready at six. But you know, you got to give me a little bit of slack here, sweetheart, because you know, I can't control traffic. I left on time and, and see how that just makes people more frustrated, more angry. So again, let's review. First of all, don't apologize for things that aren't your fault. Number two, if you apologize, then apologize. Just blame yourself. Repent. It was my fault. I should never have done that. I should never have said that.

It was, it was, I was the one who did that. And then also, I might add, as we're on that second point, if there's anything that you can do in the way of restitution, that, that might be a good, a good time to do it. Like, you know, it was my fault. I realized dinner's gotten cold and you know, if you would rather go out to eat tonight, I'm happy to take us and I'll pay for it.

You just have to keep the focus on blaming yourself and not blaming another person. Now that's not always what you have to do because sometimes you just can't, you know, undo things that were wrong. But you can always undo or change your attitude towards another person. Then number three, and here's where it really gets good. Number three.

Ask for forgiveness and get an answer. Now, you're not going to believe what I'm about to Share with you? This is comical. When you ask someone to forgive, you get an answer. When I say to someone, I'm sorry I was late, that was my fault. I won't be late again. Will you forgive me? And they say, oh, it's no big deal. No big deal. Don't worry about it. See, I didn't get an answer. My ears are like heat seeking missiles. And here's why. If you do not get forgiveness, bitterness will creep in. And when. Bitterness. Bitterness is like poison. Bitterness is like you drinking poison and expecting another person to die. Bitterness destroys families. It destroys relationships. Let's say you're talking to your kids. Hey, I told you we'd go to the ball game today at noon. And I've got to work. My boss has called me in and I've got to work. And there's really nothing I can do about that because my boss told me I had to work. Would you forgive me for having to change our plans on Saturday? Dad, it's okay. Well, thank you for saying it's okay, but will you forgive me? I'm asking you, will you forgive me for that? Dad, it's no big deal. You know, we can go another time. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your heart and your attitude towards me, but I mean, will you forgive me? Now here's where it gets comical. The person you're trying to get forgiveness from does not even know they don't want to give you forgiveness.

They. They don't want to say yes. Because as soon as they say yes, the bitterness factor breaks. As soon as they say yes, then that's the end of it. It gets healed, it gets cleared up, it gets straightened out. So let me. Let me practice giving you a couple more examples. I'm talking to my wife. Sweetheart, I was very unkind and I should not have spoken to you harshly. Would you please forgive me? Listen, I know you're tired. Don't worry about it. Thank you. I was tired. You're exactly right. But I'm asking you, would you forgive me for speaking harshly to you? Listen, you know I love you and you know it's just not that big a deal. Thank you. I love you too. And it may not be a big deal to you, but it is a big deal to me. And I'm just asking you from the bottom of my heart, would you please forgive me? Oh, I just think you'd make in a mountain out of a molehill. Well, that may be the case. I may be making a mountain out of a molehill, but I'm Asking. Would you. I'm asking you sincerely, would you please forgive me? Listen carefully, friends, until you hear the word yes.

They haven't forgiven you. They will hold a grudge. They will talk about it behind your back. They will tell another person. This isn't manipulation. This isn't wheeling and dealing and. And. And schmoozing and cajoling and controlling. I'm telling you, this works. If you were in an organization and somebody came up to you and they said, listen, I have to tell you, the other day I was in your office and I took a pin off your desk, and I accidentally walked out of the office with it, and I wanted to bring it back and tell you I'm sorry. I walked out with that. With your. And would you please forgive me? Oh, you can have the pen. Well, thank you. I really appreciate it. I like the pen, but I'm just wondering, could you forgive me for taking it? I didn't. I really didn't mean to steal it, but in essence, I walked out with it without permission. And I'm just wondering, would you forgive me of that? Listen, I've got a whole drawer full of pens. I'll never miss one. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. But would you forgive? So listen to me. Listen carefully. If you don't get a yes, the next time you hear the story is when they're telling someone about you coming in the office and stealing their pen, or when you didn't get a yes, and your wife talks to her sister or another friend about how harsh you spoke to her.

And I wish I could just grab you right now by the shoulders and gently say, look me in the eyes. This is what being a wise sage is all about. This is what learning how to become wealthy is all about. This is what learning to have a good marriage is all about. This is what having good relationships with your children. Listen, I have four grown daughters. I have six grandkids. One day I was with one of my grandkids and I said something that was a little bit harsh, a little bit unkind. I later told him, I said, listen, I said, you know, I snapped at you, and that was just wrong of me. Would you. Would you please forgive me? And he said, oh, of course. He says, not a big deal. I said, well, does a core. Of course. Is that a yes? He said, yes, absolutely. That was the end of it. It broke the power. Can you imagine him going back and saying to his mother, well, my grandfather spoke harshly to me. She'd pick up the phone and call me, why did you Speak harshly to my child. Well, did your child also tell you that? I said I was wrong and I asked them to please forgive me, and they said they would. This is something you're going to have to think about, friends, because I promise you, the reason I'm the happiest married person on the whole planet, the reason my grown daughters love me and adore me, the reason my grandkids just. I don't want to say worship me, but just love being with me, is because I keep the slate clean. And the way I keep the slate clean is three ways. Number one, I don't apologize if I didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't my fault. Number two, if I apologize, I blame myself and I repent and I do not rebuke. That was my fault. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have gone there. I shouldn't have. Whatever it is that you've done, blame yourself and stop with that. And number three, could you find it in your heart? Would you be able to please forgive me for that? I have two friends. I'll wrap this up. I have two friends. Here's how I learned this the hard way. Years ago, I had two friends. Bill Vestal and Larry Bradley. Bill and Larry and I all worked together. One day I said something a little bit unkind about Bill to Larry. I was just kind of, you know, running my mouth a little bit too much in my younger days. And I was telling Larry something that Bill had said or Bill had done. And, you know, it wasn't a big. Wasn't, you know, the biggest event in the world, but something I shouldn't have been talking about.

The next day, Bill came in my office, and he looked at me, said, can I talk to you for a minute? I said, sure. He said, did you say to Larry? And then he repeated what I had said to Larry. And I wanted to say, no, I didn't say that. I don't know why Larry would make that up. But then I would have had two problems talking about Bill behind his back and lying to him to his face. So I said, yes, I did say that. He said, well, why didn't you just come to me and talk to me about that? Why did you have to talk to Larry about it? Behind my back, I felt about 2 inches tall. And I said to him, I said, I'm very, very sorry. I said, you're 100% right. I'm 100% wrong. And I said, I. I shouldn't have said that. And then I said, would you. Could you find it in your heart to please forgive me? He said, sure. I said, I've learned a good lesson. I will not ever speak about you behind your back again. Unless it's something good that I'm telling someone that you did something good. We both laughed. He walked out of my office. Can I tell you something? That ended it. There was no more bitterness. There was no more backbiting. There was no more off at the cooler, everybody talking about someone.

This is powerful stuff, but here's the secret. You got to put it into practice.

I hope that today's session on becoming a Y sage has been helpful. I hope you'll not apologize for things you can't control that have nothing to do with you. I hope when you do apologize, you'll point your finger at yourself and say, it was my fault. Those words came out of my mouth. That behavior came from my body. I should not have done that. Please forgive me. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I've learned a good lesson. I will not do that again. I feel bad about that, and I'm very, very sorry. All of that. All of that. You can just pick whatever you'd like to in the way of blaming yourself, and then go to the third. And don't bring anybody else into the mix. And then go to the third step and say, could you find it in your heart to please forgive me? And listen for the word yes. Listen for the words, I forgive you. If you do not give that. If you. Excuse me. If you do not get that from the person, they do not forgive you. Well, don't worry about it. Or we all make mistakes or, well, it could have happened to anybody. No, they subconsciously are holding on to what you did to them to use it against you later. And you're the only one that can break that cycle because you're the one that made the mistake. You're the one that erred. You're the one that got out of line. Can you imagine working with someone who never talks to you, never. Never talks about you behind your back? And if they ever say anything wrong, they apologize, they blame themselves, and they learn and grow from the mistakes and do better next time. That's how you build a company. That's how you build a family. Think about all the backbiting, all the hatred, the meanness, the vindictiveness is in politics. That's in the news. That's in the world. Well, I don't know about you, but I want to be a healer. I want to be a difference maker. I want to be a wise Sage. I'm Dr. Robert Rohm. I look forward to being with you again on another podcast sometime soon. Practice these three things. You will see how they'll make a major difference in your life, in your relationships, and in your future. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you next time. For more information about this podcast, please visit www.becomingwiserpodcast.com.