The 6 Hidden Components of Effective Communication

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Now, that quote is attributed to Alan Greenspan, who was the chairman of the Federal Reserve in America, and it has been circulated over the years because it's just so true. What we hear, what we say, how we communicate with each other is very important. Unfortunately, I would say most of the time, confusion sets in. Well, guess what? Today I'm going to teach you two things that I've learned in my life that eliminate all confusion when communicating with another person.

Welcome to becoming wiser with Dr. Robert A. Rohm, author and world renowned public speaker as he shares stories and involving his experiences and lessons learned in a good spirited, positive and fun way. Here's Dr. Robert A. Rome.

Thank you so much for joining our podcast. Today we're talking about clearing up confusion. And I mean, confusion is everywhere. It amazes me to see how much people assume they understand what's going on rather than taking just a couple of minutes to clarify some things. Every communication has six hidden components. Every communication has six hidden components. Let me share those with you as you enjoy listening to this. Number one is what you think you said. Number two is what you actually said. I'm going to explain all these with some examples. Number three is what the other person heard. Number four is what you think the other person heard. Number five is what the other person thinks about what you said. And number six, what you think the other person is thinking about what you just said. Now, all of that takes place in a split second, just communicating with someone. Six different things take place. Now, let me use an example to help you. Suppose I had chocolate cake for dinner last night. For dessert, I had chocolate cake. I had chocolate cake for dinner for my dessert last night. And I say to you, I had some great chocolate pudding for dessert last night.

Okay? Now, I actually had chocolate cake. But I misspoke. And I said I had chocolate pudding. So what I think I said was I had chocolate cake. That's what I thought I said. Because that's what I did. But I misspoke. I miscommunicated. I said chocolate pudding. My mind drifted off. I misspoke. It happens to all of us. So what I think I said was chocolate cake. What I actually said was chocolate pudding. Number three is what you heard. Do you know what you heard? You heard chocolate pudding. Because that's what I said. Number four is what I'm thinking that the other person heard. Well, I'm thinking the other Person heard chocolate cake because that's what I thought I said in this humorous. I have spent a lot of time developing this to keep you from confusion and getting things mixed up. I thought I said chocolate cake. That's what I meant to say. I didn't say that. I said chocolate pudding. So you're thinking chocolate pudding, but I'm thinking you're thinking chocolate cake. Because that's what I said. The next step is what I'm thinking, that you're thinking about what I said. I wonder if you've ever had any chocolate cake. Do you like chocolate cake? Chocolate cake's delicious. Did your mom or grandma ever make a wonderful chocolate cake? My mother was the best chocolate cake maker in the world. So all of that just quickly passes through because what the other person thinks about what I just said. Why am I telling you that I had chocolate cake? Because I want to enjoy it and I want you to enjoy it. And finally, what I'm thinking that you're thinking about what I just said. Would you like to have some chocolate cake with me? Sometimes we could go have dessert, coffee and have chocolate cake. Now you have to kind of think this through because the reason we have miscommunication is because someone assumed something. You can check this out. One of the largest plane crashes in history took place on the Canary islands in the 1970s. You can check this out. Look this up. It was a foggy morning, and there were two Runway. There were two airplanes on two different ends of the Runway, and the air traffic controller could not see either one of them. It was a very foggy morning. He was talking to both of them, and he said things like, do not take off. I think there's another plane at the other end. He was trying to get everything together, but it was almost impossible since you couldn't see your finger in front of your eye because of the fog. And so he was trying to get the airplanes in the Canary Islands on the same Runway, taking off in the same direction. And he told one of the pilots, I believe there's another airplane at the other end of the Runway. Let me check. Okay. And the pilot said, okay. The pilot thought that when he said okay, he was referring to the fact it's okay to take off. Okay. The pilot heard, oh, okay. And the pilot started taking the plane off. It's a tragedy. The planes collided and hundreds of people were killed all because of okay. And listen to this. They blamed the pilot. It was called a pilot error, and here's why. I'm not a pilot, but by law, A pilot has one word he has to say before he takes that plane off. And here's what the word is rolling. Rolling means I'm taking this plane off. He never said it on the flight recorder. He said, okay, they blamed him. Hundreds of people died because of a miscommunication. You see, what he said and what was heard.

Was a miscommunication. Now, I realize that most of our lives are not involved in taking off airplanes. I realize most of our lives are not involved, you know, life and death situations. But I have learned two things to do to clear all this up, and I'm going to share those with you right now. When I talk to somebody, and I mean, we're talking about some business items or some relationship issues or something that is important. I'm not talking about, I'm going to the grocery store to get some ketchup. And I meant to say, I'm going to go to the grocery store and get some mustard. That's not a life or death situation. And thankfully, most of our communication is not life or death. However, do you know the number one cause of marital problems that are number one challenge in families? Miscommunication. Number one child. I can't even imagine what the number one challenge, how much money is lost in business because someone assumed something that they thought they heard someone say that the person didn't actually mean by what they said. So here are the two methodologies I have learned. When I'm talking to someone and we are talking about something important, something that I would consider. We. We don't want to get this wrong. We want to get this right. I always start by blaming myself. So listen to how I do this so you can learn these two techniques. I say this.

We finished talking about something. Here's the way I end it. Could I say back to you what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear? Did you notice where my finger is pointing? My finger's pointing back to me. Could I say back to you what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear? You have to practice saying that because that will not flow out of you naturally. You can say in a number of ways, would it be possible for me to share with you what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear and then explained it to the person and they'll either go, that's exactly right, or no, that's not what I understood. So you see, there's a methodology you can use for overcoming confusion. Would it be possible for me to share back with you what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear. Practice saying that. You can write that sentence down. You can. You can memorize it. It comes out of me naturally because I've practiced it so many times. I don't want there to be a mix up. I don't want there to be hurt feelings. I don't want somebody to get all bent out of shape. So we are discussing something. A business deal, a book that we're printing. Something that you're responsible for and I'm responsible for. Something you're supposed to do that I'm counting on. Something I'm supposed to do that you're counting on. And you know. You know I want to say something kind of funny. If you're listening to this right now and you're thinking, that is ridiculous. I don't have time for that. Well, let me ask you this. You have time to clean up the mess that's created by miscommunication. Do you have time to clean up the hurt feelings? Do you have time to straighten out the relationship all because you didn't have time for this? Boy, I have time for it. I don't spend any time, hardly any more cleaning up messes because I realize it's probably more good than more likely than not. There's some misunderstanding here. So could I say back to you what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear? That's number one. Here's number two. Now, number two has a little bit of a twist to it because it does include the other person. However, you're still letting it default back to yourself. I'll explain. Here's the second methodology. Would you mind sharing with me what you think I said so I can be sure I communicated clearly with you? Now you say I tied them in a little bit because now the ball's in their court. I want them to tell me what they understood I said or what they think the understanding is about. But I still don't blame them. I'll say it again. Would it be possible for you to share back with me what you think I said so I can be sure I was clear? Or would it be possible for you to share back with me what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear? Would you share back with me what you heard so I can be sure that I understood what I said? You're asking them to say something. You're asking them in a very subtle, not manipulative, but a very subtle manner, what is your understanding about this? Now you see You've got to be careful when you say this, because here's what it sounds like to the other person. You know, I don't think you're very smart, and I don't think you were listening. And I'm not really sure you even care about what we're talking about here. So it's time for a test. So I'm going to ask you some questions so you can. So I can hear whether or not you're really listening to what we just discussed. That. That is not how you want to come across. Believe me. All that's going to create is more conflict and more confusion. So you want to gently, lovingly, passionately, but kindly say, would it be possible? Say, I'm trying to get something out of them. I want to hear how they understand things. This is a second level. This is deeper. Could. Could you share back with me. Would you mind sharing back with me what I think I just said or what you just heard so I can be sure I understood things clearly? Keep. Remember, here's the way I do it. When I'm talking to someone, I keep thinking about my finger. Where's my finger pointing in the first one? It's pointing this way. Could I say back to you what I think I just said so I can be sure I. I was clear. You get that? It's all about me trying to make sure we're not mixed up here. There's no confusion. I blame myself. I've got big shoulders. I'm able to handle blame. Okay, if I made a mistake, let's clear it up now. Not $20,000 down the road. And. Well, I thought you said. And they said, and he said, and what I heard and what you meant. Stop all that. Boy, this is why you have problems in families and business and marriage and relationships. This is how wars have started. Somebody misunderstood something that someone else said. Then the second one. Watch how I watch my finger again. Would. I'm pointing to you now. Would you. Would it be possible for you to share back with me what I think I said or what you heard so I can be sure I communicated clearly. I'm still taking the blame. I'm still taking the responsibility for the communication, but I'm asking them to say something because here's what I've discovered between number one and number two. If I say number one, which is, could I say back to you what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear? The burden still is on me, and I can explain it again, but if. If you didn't quite Understand it. I really don't have a good way of knowing that because I'm the one who's doing all the talking. I'm the one who's doing all the explaining.

Years ago, there was a program called I Love Lucy, and Lucy was married to Ricky Ricardo. Ricky was from Cuba and English was his second language. And Ricky used to say to Lucy, I don't like the way you explain that to me. He didn't say explain, he just said splain. S P L A I N. I guess the way you'd say Lucy, you didn't explain that to me very well. And that kind of became a funny way. We used to say the word explain, and it still is in my mind. I guess it'll be in my mind forever. The first way, I'm splaining to you what I understand. But the second way, you're splaining to me what you understood that I said. But you have to remember not to be a person full of blame and shame and guilt. And I don't really think you're very smart. I don't think you're listening. And, you know, you probably are going to get this mixed up.

However, everything I just said sometimes is true about all of us, isn't it? I thought I said chocolate cake, and I said chocolate pudding. So you heard chocolate pudding, and you're thinking chocolate pudding, and I'm thinking you're thinking chocolate cake. Because that's what I was thinking, but that's not what I said. And all of that takes place in an instant. So today you have been given two of the greatest gifts you will ever have in your life. And if you will start practicing these, you're going to say to yourself, huh, that's interesting. That one sentence was able to clarify some confusion. We were able to explain things to each other better by simply saying one of two things. Could I say back to you what I think I said so I can be sure I was clear? Then you explain it and let the person say, that's right or, that's not what I heard? Let's. And you clear it up. But remember, keep your finger pointing in your face, not their face. And the second, gently. Would it be possible for you to share back with me what you heard me say so I can be sure I was clear? And there you have. Will take you a little bit of practice, but I'm going to make. I raise my right hand and I make you a promise. If you'll practice these and put them into use, things are going to get cleared up. You are going to have better communications and less stress, more productivity. And you will, as they say in the fairy tales, live happily ever after. I'm Dr. Robert Rome. I hope you've enjoyed today's podcast. Practice this. It will make a difference in your communication skills in the coming days. Look forward to our next time together. Thank you so much.

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