Why You Do What You Do - How Your Childhood Environment Impacts Your Present Perspective

Hello, I'm Dr. Robert Rome. Welcome to our podcast today and I hope you'll stop everything that you're doing and really, really listen because this is a powerful story that happened to me and I believe it happens to all of us. Today I'm going to be talking about how your past environment in life will greatly influence your current outlook on life.

Welcome to becoming wiser with Dr. Robert A. Rohm, author and world renowned public speaker, as he shares stories involving experiences and lessons learned in a good spirited, positive and fun way. Here's Dr. Robert A. Rome.

All of us have a past. Regardless of how old we are, we all have a past, even if it was just yesterday. Of course, those of us who are adults had growing up situations that created for us some kind of environment. You may have been the firstborn, the second born, the third born, or additional children in your family. And have you ever thought about Every family constantly changes. I mean, there was a time I was single and then there was a time I was married and it was just me and my wife. Then there was a time there was one child. Then the second child came into a family where there was a mother, a father and an older sister. And then the third child came into a family where there's a mother, father and two older siblings. You get the idea. Families are constantly in flux and that creates an environment in which we all learn and grow. So I want to share with you something that happened to me. It's kind of painful, but I'm willing to share with you because I think it'll be of benefit to you. Hopefully it'll open your eyes to the fact that your past environment, growing up in life will influence. It will have a direct bearing on your current outlook on life. When I was growing up, I was an only child. I had a mom and a dad, of course, and they were very, very different. My father married my mother when he was 42 years old. He was 42 and she was 21. So there's 21 years difference in their age. So I was sort of raised by a grandfather who had a lot more experience in life, a lot more wisdom, a lot more interactions with business and people and a younger mother in life. And so the way it worked out was really interesting because my father taught me a lot of the ways of the world. You might say he was very wise. Many of my friends would come over and talk to him about things, business and buying and selling. He was going to Europe buying antiques and bringing them back before hardly anyone. And I even went to Europe with Him. One time my mother and I went and we flew over. We went to Spain and Switzerland, Holland, France and England and came back on the Queen Elizabeth. Well, I thought that was a big ship. It was really a smaller ship today in comparison with some of the cruise ships that are out there on the ocean. But anyway, it was an interesting experience. But here's the part that slowly developed in our life. My father loved to play cards and so he would come home at and have dinner. My mother and I would have dinner at 5:30. We just. My mother was from the country and she believed in eating early. And so we'd have dinner at 5:30 every night, my mother and myself. My father would usually get home about 6:30 after he'd closed up the shop. He'd get home 6:30 or 7 and then she would make him dinner. So he would have dinner separate from us. But you got to remember all of us grew up in some environment where something happened. I had no way to compare whether that was normal or abnormal with anybody else because it was the only environment that I was growing up in. So my mother and I would have dinner at 5:30, my father would come home at 6:30, he'd have dinner, she'd make him dinner and then he would go to the Elks Club where he would play cards with his buddies till it closed around 11 o' clock at night. And he would do that. Now listen carefully. He would do that on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday nights, Thursday. The only reason he didn't do it on Sunday night is because the Elks Club was closed. So he would stay home and watch tv. My mother and I would usually go to church. And if you'll notice in that explanation, I skipped Tuesday night. Tuesday night at the Elks Club was family night. Family night at the Elks Club was how I grew up. Many of my friends didn't go out to eat. They didn't have a lot of restaurants. Back in the 50s and early 60s there were, this was, was before McDonald's or hardly any other kind of restaurants. I remember Even in the mid-60s the only restaurant in my hometown of Griffin, Georgia was a Hardee's restaurant. We used to call it Hardee's. That was it. So on Tuesday night we would go to the Elks Club. My mother and I would go out, we'd meet my father around six o', clock, we would have dinner together. Then my mother and I would leave. We would tell him good night. I'd always hug my dad and my mom would, you know, give him a Kiss. And my mother and I'd get in the car and go home, would do my homework or watch tv. And my dad stayed at the Elks Club. But Tuesday night was family night at the Elks Club, and so we would go out to eat. And every Tuesday night, it was just like clockwork. We would meet my dad there and have dinner together. So that's the way I grew up. What anything good, bad, or indifferent about that is just the way I grew up. Well, many, many years later, as time passed, of course, I grew up, graduated from high school, college, and I met my fiance that I eventually married. And after we got married, some unusual things happened, especially when it came to mealtime. She was an excellent cook. I mean, she was a wonderful cook. Her mom was a cook, great cook. Everybody in their family just really, really good, really good cooks. So sometimes I would come home and the strangest feeling would come over me. She would have dinner almost ready, or sometimes completely ready, and I would look at her and I would say, hey, let's go out to eat. Let's save that for tomorrow and let's go out to eat. And I can still see the bewildered look in her eyes, like, I have dinner ready. We're ready to eat. Let's sit down and have dinner. And I would say, oh, come on, let's go out to eat. I just feel like going out to eat tonight. I'll take you out to eat. And she'd say, okay. And then that would happen more than one time. It was actually after a period of time, it began. It began to be a problem. And I'm sorry to say I take full responsibility for it. It damaged our relationship. It damaged our marriage. I mean, can you imagine? She was. Had dinner already and all cooked and all prepared, and I'd come in and look at everything and say, hey, let's go it. Let's put it all up. We'll have it tomorrow.

Wow. Never thought much about that. But that led to a lot of conflict. That led to a lot of heated discussions, you might say, because I thought, let's go out to eat. And she thought, why don't we just eat here at the house? I already have it ready. It's ready to go eventually. Over the years, that was one of the deciding factors. Many, many others. But that was one of the factors that ended up destroying our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I take full responsibility for it. I can only change me and work with me and try to make me a better person. But that ended up in a failed marriage. Then during that Period of time, I was going through a lot of personal turmoil. I did not want my marriage to fail. I did not want to see our family broken up. But there were some challenges. And I ended up going to visit a friend of mine who was a marriage and family therapist, and they gave me some really interesting insights as to how and why my life at the current stage had become the way it was now. If you remember, on this podcast, we're talking about the things that happened in our past environment. That means growing up. That means in your life as a brother or sister or mom or a dad or whatever it was in your past life that you have experienced the. There was some. Some certain environment that you experienced, and now that has a strong influence on your current outlook on your life. So I was going through some counseling, and the therapist asked me, tell me about growing up. And one of the stories I shared was how I would have a mom and dad and we'd go out to eat on Tuesday night at the Elks Club. That was family night. And how the rest of the nights, really, on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, my dad would come home, eat dinner, and go to the El. My mom and I would stay home, do my homework, watch tv. Usually Sunday nights, my mom and I would go to church. My dad would stay home. And that was pretty much my environment. She was very insightful therapist. And she said this. She said, now tell me again what you did on Tuesday night.

I said, well, Tuesday night we'd all go out to the Elks Club and we would all eat together at the Elks Club. Then I would, you know, hug and kiss my dad, and my mom would give him a hug and a kiss, and my mom and I would go home. She said, what did you say Tuesday night was called at the Elks Club? I said, Tuesday night was family night at the Elks Club. And she just kind of stared at me and she said, Tuesday night was what? I said it was family night. And it was like. I'm just telling you, it was like scales fell off my eyes. I began to think and begin to see and begin to get some insight into. Tuesday night was family night. Family night was going out to eat at the Elks Club in Griffin. Tuesday night was family night. Family night was going out to eat. Going out to eat was family night. Let's see, what other family did I experience? Did I have family on Monday or Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday?

Not. Not really Sunday, My mom and I would go to church. That wasn't our family. That was just me and my mom.

Family night, Tuesday night, going out to eat. And I mean, I just broke down. It was like I saw it. You see, to me, the way you develop a family is you go out to eat with each other. That was the only family I really knew growing up. Now, listen, hear me well. I'm not bitter about this. I'm not mad about this. Actually, I'm grateful I that I've received insight into why I thought growing up was going out and you to the way you develop a family as you go out to eat together. So I went through some counseling and I had my eyes open to the fact that you know what a family is more than going out to eat at a restaurant together. A family's getting to know each other. It's helping each other. It's loving each other. It's being kind to each other. It's overlooking each other's shortcomings. It's learning and growing. It's sharpening each other. It's being kind and gracious and helpful. It's talking to each other in a loving, kind manner that can help us in our personal growth and development. A family's a lot of things, but I assure you, and I promise you, it's more than just going out to eat together. I look at restaurants today. In every restaurant, Monday through Sunday nights are full. There are a lot of families there, and that's okay. But for me, and here's the. And I said all that to say this to me. I am now able to have dinner at my house with my wife without having to go out to eat. Now, don't get me wrong, I still like to go out to eat, but I'm just as happy and content.

To stay home and to have dinner that my wife has cooked for me and for her for dinner. The thought does not go through my mind any longer. Put it all up. Let's go out to eat and we can go have a family if we're in a restaurant having dinner together. My mind works this way. Let's have dinner here tonight. If you'd like to go out to eat. I'm more than happy for us to go out to eat. If you want to cook dinner here and have dinner here, I'm more than happy to have dinner here because the family is not eating dinner together. A family's more than that. A family's talking to each other. How was your day? What happened? What were some things that happened that were good? Was there any challenges in the day that maybe caused you to feel bad? Is there anything we need to Talk about. You know, many group therapy are nothing more than people sitting around sharing their feelings and their thoughts about the things that have gone on in life. My mind drifted back in psychology and counseling class when I was in graduate school. One of my professors was a medical doctor, Dr. Paul Meyer. He was a psychiatrist. He taught us, and I remember him teaching us. I didn't catch it. I didn't catch it then as much as I have now over the years because I was very, very young. But he said, when a child grows up and he learns to pray, and he says, dear Heavenly Father, he said, really, in that child's mind, it may be, dear earthly Father, as much as I understand what a father is, that I'm trying to talk to somebody now. He said that's why it's important for fathers to be somewhat present in their children's lives, so they think of God as someone who loves them and cares about them, not someone who's distant and not listening and gone all the time.

Years ago, there was a song by Harry Chapin called Cats in the Cradle, and it talked about how the kids are going to grow up to be just like the parents. It's very, very true. That's why I want to encourage you. Take a few minutes to look back at your past environment. Growing up, was there a lot of love and harmony? Was there a lot of peaceful cooperation? Or was this coexistence with each other? A lot of anger, maybe strife, bitterness? I'm not sure. We're not trying to cast blame on anyone. Here's what we're trying to do. Look back at your life. Think and feel some of the circumstances that took place. And ask yourself one question. Does what happened to me then, growing up have any bearing on the way I think and the way I feel now? I have a good friend whose father one day sat down and showed him how much money it cost him to raise him. Here's how much I spent on your schooling. Here's how much I spent on your clothes. Here's how much I spent on your college. Is it any wonder that he's working as hard as he can to make as much money as he can to impress his dead father? These days? He wanted to show his father I can make a lot of money. I know how. You showed me how much it cost for me to grow up in this family. Well, I'll show you how much I can make. Now, you see, these are challenging situations. And I'm not bringing this up to bring heartache and harm. I'm bringing this up to bring joy and relief for you to know that happened to me. Then I learned some good lessons from it. And now I'm free. I'm free to have a job and make money, not to prove anything to anyone, to anyone or anybody. I'm free to be married and enjoy my relationship with my wife and not have to blame that on my mother or my father on the way I grew up. I'm a whole healthy person without having to blame my brothers or sisters or environment in my past life that caused me to have to be a certain way now. I hope this thought has been an encouragement to you. It certainly has set me free to know I do not have to let something that happened to me many, many years ago control me. I can think about it, I can feel about it, and I can release it and become the kind of person that I think is healthy and whole and productive in this life. I'm Dr. Robert Rolman. Be thinking about your past and how it affects your current situation and live healthy and happy and free every day. I look forward to talking to you and looking forward to seeing you on our next broadcast. Thank you so much.

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