The 6 Human Needs That Drive Every Decision You Make with Codie Sanchez

Women are so abused by our society. When I say abused, I don't wanna be— just be derogatory, but women are put in this image of who they're supposed to look like, be like, act like. It's unbelievable what women do to be a mom and a business person and to be a lover and to be a husband or a wife and all those things at one time. It takes just unbelievable energy, strength, and so forth. And when I see what happens with women generalizing about themselves, makes me crazy.

Hmm.

But the one thing women have is they have support. Men don't have that. Men don't go share their feelings. We don't go talk about our relationships. I remember we were having a program in Mexico, and this woman was saying, you were with your friend, and, you know, you know he got divorced, and you don't know if he's dating? You know, he says, we played golf. And she goes, and it didn't come up? He goes, why would it come up? You know? And she was just, like, stunned because she thinks how a woman would think versus how a man's brain would think, right?

Mm-hmm.

And so I say this because I was telling Oprah, I said, one of the beautiful things about the sisterhood, there's just tremendous support. Women share their problems. Men don't share their problems. Men's job is to solve a problem. And then you get with a woman in your life and you want to solve it for them. In a man's world, the more you solve problems, the more you move up the hierarchy of being a man. In a woman's world, no, you share your problems so you can connect and feel for the person, right? So what happens with that is it's actually good for a feeling of support, but it does not create breakthroughs because women will support other women in terrible, terrible beliefs, terrible states, terrible— they have a terrible relationship and they talk to 2 other women who have a terrible relationship about what they should do with the relationship and go, it's all It's all him.

It's—

no, no, it's— no matter how thin you slice it, there's 2 sides. There's him and there's you, right?

Yep.

And so I was doing an event one time for 5,000 women in Radio Music Hall for Oprah. It was all women. I never heard that, that high a pitch of sounds in my entire life in one room. And, um, she said, okay, well, I want you to do an intervention like this. I said, well, Oprah, interventions can take 15 minutes, they can take an hour. I go and tell, it could take 2 hours. She goes, well, we don't have that. I said, I know, and you're doing this program live. She goes, I think you could do it in the timeline. I also have to be willing to do whatever it takes because of course, of course, you know. And I already had this conversation with her about you can't support women just in their limitations. If you really care about them, you got to call truth on them.

Find the truth.

You can still be supportive. And so this woman stands up and she talks about how she's lost her business because of 9/11. She's not been able to build it because of her husband and her kids. And she's 110 pounds overweight. It's because they all demand something from her every moment. Now, I'm a lover of women. Like, I think women are No man on this planet got here without a woman. I mean, through women who risked their life for you to be here. That's my core belief about women. I hold women like this. But this is bullshit, right? I got plenty of friends that had in the building 9/11, their business didn't go under. So it's not 9/11 that did it, right? And your husband didn't make you 110 pounds that way, nor did your children. And, and so everything she's saying is a lie. The women around are like, oh, oh. I'm surrounded by 5,000 women. I go, Eff it. I can't do this. I can't not do this. I said, now, what you just told me is total absolute bullshit. And the whole room, like, it was like shock. And then there's sounds and I'm like, I'm not being mean, but if you want transformation, if you want to change and change your life, you cannot do it by blaming everybody else for what you've done. 9/11 is a horrific thing. I'm sure it massively interrupted your business, but she wasn't even in the building. She wasn't even close to the building. I said, this is not why your business went under. You're making excuses. And I'm saying this because I care.

Excuses will only hurt you.

And And right now, you don't have a relationship with your husband, clearly, by the way you're talking about it. You don't even have a relationship with your kids. And that's another reason why you're probably 110 pounds overweight. You're burying your emotion with food. And then Oprah says— and she's behind me about, you know, like 50 yards. It's a giant building, right? She goes, but Tony, but Tony, but to be fair. And I snapped back and I looked at her like this. I'll never forget, because I was in state. And I'm in state, you know, you don't break my state, right? And she goes, oh, I'm doing that thing, aren't I? And I said, yes, you're doing that thing, right? They had to go to a break, and I just kept working with her. And by the time I was done, I brought her back and got her in a great place. And a year later, She was on Dr. Oz. She lost 115 pounds, had her relationship back. She'd restarted a new business, right? Sometimes you got to do what's uncomfortable. And so yes, I'm willing to do that to have someone's life change, because otherwise you're just making yourself feel good. I can make myself feel good and her feel good and go, gosh, that's so horrible. I understand, and all those things. But F that. My belief is if you stand up in my room, something's caused you to stand up. Some part of you wants transformation, or you wouldn't be in my presence, and it's gonna happen.

I think that's one of the saddest things about what happened with sort of the PC-ness of society today is that so many people feel like they can't say the thing that might actually help because it might hurt somebody's feelings.

Where did we get up this thing that you're not supposed to offend anybody? Here's a question for you. Can people be offended by anything if they want to be?

Yes, but I don't think that should change what I do because of it.

No, but I'm just saying, so anyone you can— who said— where did we come up with this new magical rule you're not supposed to offend anybody? If you're not going to offend anybody, you're not going to have any impact. Do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. That's how you can be sure you're never attacked, right? You know, I'm not willing to do that. I'm here on— I've got a purpose. And of course, some people are not going to understand it, but people in my seminars do. That's why they're still there 12 hours later, you know, when they wouldn't sit for a 3-hour movie. They won't get up to go to the bathroom because they're watching real life as it's happening. It's more dramatic than anything you could write in a script because it's real. Because like, even today, reality television is bullshit. It's made up, right? People know it's fake. You feel when something's real, and when something's real, you can relate to it, and it calls to some part of you to be more real. And when we're vulnerable and we're When we get real, we can change anything. But when we try to soften it, you know, like use all the language, yeah, pretty good, it's okay, all that kind of stuff, those softeners keep you from getting to the place where you could actually have a transformation.

Yeah, I got in trouble on the internet a few weeks ago because I said I don't think you should cry in business meetings just because you can't express yourself fully. I think if you need to self-regulate, like you could step out, whatever, but I don't think that you should have a belief that it will help you and it is totally fine if you cry in business meetings. That is just not our society.

There's no crying in baseball.

Yeah, there's just not. And it's happened to me a few times, and whatever. If you cry, I'm not gonna— do you. I don't think it's gonna help your career.

You didn't tell them they couldn't cry, right? You just said that I don't think it'll help you.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

And so you got attacked for that, of course.

Of course. I hear, uh, that you like this pattern interrupt exercise. And what I find fascinating about you is like you kind of just in the moment already know the thing to say.

I adapt to the person. If I know, for example, you value significance the most, then I might show you how by doing whatever it's costing you the significance, and I'll have leverage there. If you're driven by love, then I will use love as the metaphor. If you're driven by certainty, then I'll show you how to take away your certainty if you keep doing this, right? So I'm looking for leverage. It's not just breaking a pattern. That's like a stupid technique, you know, that won't last. It has to be tied to something there's an inner drive about. So we all have 6 needs, human needs. Certainty, everybody has it. It's a survival need because Certain you can be comfortable, because if you're not comfortable, if you're in pain regularly, regular pain means damage, regular damage equals death. So it's the base need for human beings. But if you're certain all the time, you're bored silly. So you need uncertainty, right? You need variety, you need surprise. We need significance. Our culture way overvalues significance today because of social media.

It's insane.

Like, people, you know, put on filters and pretend they're different than they are. One of my buddies has his own gym, and he told me this the other day. I couldn't even believe it. He said, on a daily basis, daily basis, women and sometimes men come in who are, you know, influencers, because he's got a great gym. They lay out all the equipment, they take all these pictures, and they leave. They don't work out a single ounce. When you're 27 to 32, you have to be an idiot to not be fit, right? I mean, it's like decent genetics and you can be fit, right? So, but they're making money off of it. They don't do anything.

Fascinating.

It's just about looking good, right? And then using their looking good to try to make money. So, I mean, that's gonna wear off for them, unfortunately, at some stage in their life, right? So it's like significance is overvalued. The need for connection and love is the deepest need that people have, but most people want certain love. And so they try to control the love and it kills it. Or they want significant love, like it's gotta be the most significant thing, and then they get— they start to promote who they are more than they are because they think that's what's necessary, and they're not truthful, right?

Mm.

And then we need to grow, we need to contribute. Those are the spiritual needs. If you don't grow, It doesn't— your relationship's not growing. If your business is not growing, it's dying. There's— that's the law of life. Everything grows or dies. But also, when you grow, then you have something to give. What makes people have a meaningful life is to feel like there's something beyond yourself. Because meeting your own basic needs, any idiot can do it. You can lie to yourself and do that. You know, you can work just 12-hour days and do that. You can— there's a million ways you can meet those basic needs of certainty and uncertainty and significance and connection, at least, not so much love. But I, when I look at people, I try to see what's driving them.

Can you tell right away after meeting somebody what their, one of the 6 is?

6 needs. I look to see what are their top 2.

And what if you know nothing about them?

I ask questions along the way.

You ask a lot of questions.

Yes.

All the time.

One person counted one time, I had a woman who was suicidal. I asked 167 questions before I made one statement. If I'm gonna evaluate somebody, I have 3 questions. Same way as what you would have in your business or on a date. Can they do the job?

Mm-hmm.

If I'm interviewing them in one of my companies, by the time it gets to me, of course they can do the job or I wouldn't be interviewing them, right? Or if you were dating, can they do the job? If you've been dating them 6 months, yeah, they can do it. The more important question is, can they do that job well long-term, right? Will they keep doing a great job? Because everybody does a great job in the beginning. And what determines that is, are their goals in alignment with the job? So whether it's a business or a relationship, it's the critical element there. And then the last part is, is it the right team fit? In a business, you can relate to this, I'm sure, because of all those businesses you run. You know, you can have somebody who's a superstar, but they're the wrong team fit. They rub against everybody else, they piss everybody else off, and maybe they're like your top salesperson or your top marketing person, your top whatever, and you don't want to get rid of them because, man, they bring in a lot of revenue. But unless you do, they'll destroy your business. They've always said, you know, it's not the person you fail to hire, it's the person you fail to fire that destroys your business. And so I'm a big believer in Testing. What I do is a full background check on everyone now. The panic you see in some people's eyes, then the tightening in some people, and then the people like, no, it's totally fine, and then you get the report and then they never call you back. I mean, I have saved myself so much money, time, and energy by having that one investment in a long-term relationship upfront.